I sat on the inner corner of the booth and watched the cars stop and go at the intersection outside. The diner was packed full of students, their voices all raised in delight as they talked about the game and their plans for the rest of the night.

"Hey Rowan, good game!" A few girls said in high-pitched tones as they passed our booth. I turned back to see Rowan giving them a kind smile before they left, giggling all the way back to their table.

Seventh group of girls to come by...

I found myself staring at him and averted my gaze just as he turned to look at me. I directed it down to the burger on my plate. My appetite was non-existent. Why'd I even order anything at all?

Erik was talking about the game to Rowan who was nodding along, letting him exhaust himself.

"Are you okay? You haven't eaten anything." Lucy said to me in a low tone. Erik was still talking, but I could feel Rowan's eyes flicker towards me. I gave her a reassuring smile and nodded.

"I'm not that hungry. Do you want any?" I said, pushing my plate towards her. She frowned and looked down at it.

"I can go get you something else if you don't want this-"

"No thanks, I ate a lot of popcorn at the game. I'm just not hungry." I said, hoping she'd drop it. Lucy nodded and picked up one of my fries, popping it in her mouth.

It felt weird being out in public with Rowan. The attention that'd been on him during the basketball game had stayed, and even spread to us. I didn't like it. I didn't know how he was so used to it.

"Are you guys ready to get going?" Erik said, nodding towards the door. He'd finally stopped interrogating Rowan on a play-by-play review of the game.

"Sure!" Lucy said enthusiastically before looking at me. I didn't want to go, but I also didn't want to ruin her weekend back home.

"Yeah." I said after a moment. We shuffled out of the booth and went to the front counter to pay. People said things to Rowan as we passed by, congratulating him on the win, even some staff held up their tables to say a few words. Just being near him made me feel suffocated.

When we'd reached the outside, I took a breath of cool air and relaxed. I'd never been like this. Until Ray. I didn't feel comfortable around strangers anymore, whether it was one or many.

We were only about two blocks from the party, so Erik suggested we walk. I felt my stomach drop as Lucy skipped up ahead to chat with him leaving Rowan to walk next to me alone.

Shit.

I kept my hands in my pockets and listened to Lucy's laughter from up ahead, trying to distract myself from the fact that he was right next to me. This was the one situation I wanted to avoid. The silence between us was loud, and I almost wanted to congratulate him again on his game but my mind kept reminding me of the night we'd talked in the car.

I crossed my arms around my chest, trying to pick out words from Lucy and Eriks conversation up ahead to distract myself. I felt Rowan shift beside me and snuck a glance at him. His hands were in his pockets and it looked like there were many thoughts swimming behind his eyes.

"So?" He said all of a sudden. He turned to me, and I felt my body tense.

"So... what?" I replied. What did he want me to say?

"Well, you never answered my message."

His last message had told me I didn't need to avoid him. Well I'm not now. I thought to myself, I came to the game didn't I?

"Oh, no. I'm so sorry what'd you want me to say?" I responded, surprised at my snippy tone.

Rowan also looked taken aback at my response, his eyebrows raising in amusement.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

I nodded and pulled out my phone.

"There you go."

I sent the message to him and heard the phone buzz in his pocket seconds later. He gave me a weary look, not bothering to take his phone out.

"Evan..."

"What?"

I could see a mix of different emotions cross his face. I felt I was being childish. But he was the one who regretted kissing me, so shouldn't he have been happy with the distance? I could hear music beating up the block. We were getting close.

"I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me anymore."

I studied the houses we were passing, wondering what I could even respond to that.

"Do you know what happened to Ray Warner?"

I don't know how I allowed it to slip out of my mouth. I didn't dare glance at Rowan, remembering what'd happened when Ben had confronted him at Eriks party over the summer. I kept my eyes trained on the pavement and he was silent. The longer he said nothing the more nervous I got, my body tensing.

"No, I don't." He finally replied.

I felt a wave of disappointment rush over me. His prior silence had already confirmed my suspicions. I looked into his eyes, they were dark, serious.

"How do you expect me to talk to you when all you do is lie to me."

"I'm-"

"We're here," Erik yelled back to us, and Lucy skipped up to me and grabbed my arm.

"Let's go!" She pulled me forward, through the front doors. Rowan and Erik followed close behind.

We made our way to the kitchen, people quickly got out of Rowan's way as they shamelessly stared at him. Lucy finally let go of my arm, busying herself by mixing a drink with the half-opened bottles on the counter. I grabbed a can of beer and watched Lucy laugh at Erik after he tipped a can of coke and the sticky liquid spread out over the counter.

At least she's having a good time.

Rowan was still next to me. We stayed silent, though based on his absent expression I was sure he was also thinking of our interrupted conversation. A few guys came up to greet him, and after a moment, I recognized them from the team. There was a small group of girls that'd come with them, each of them looking elegant and intimidating.

I looked around at the flawless skin and perfectly symmetrical faces surrounding me, feeling like I was in a Scott Westerfeld novel. This was not my crowd.

I didn't want this. I didn't want to be hanging on Rowan's shoulder letting jealousy and frustration seep through me just because pretty girls were flirting with him. I wasn't that type of person, I didn't want to be that person.

"S'cuse me," I said, giving one of the girls a smile and squeezing past her. She gave me a charming beam in return and let me by.

"Ev, where are you going?" Erik yelled at me from the other side of the counter.

I didn't feel like yelling over the music so I just pointed in the general direction of the living room, which was a bit less stuffy.

I wandered through the crowds of unfamiliar faces, wondering how many of them were actually from Nebraska. Probably none, I thought. They all looked far too happy. I made it to a half empty couch and sat down, sipping my drink.

What was he gonna say?

My eyes found him. He was still in the kitchen talking to his friends, but he looked distracted. His hand was gripped tightly around his drink, his eyes glancing around the room every few seconds.

What the hell happened to Ray Warner?

A few people sat next to me on the couch, and I felt my discomfort grow at their proximity.

"Hey," I felt a hand on my arm and a long haired blonde sat far too close to me, leaning in close. I moved back, feeling claustrophobic. "You're hot. Care to help me make someone jealous?"

I felt my jaw drop a fraction in surprise, and struggled to find the right words to reject her.

"Uh, thanks but not r-"

Her mouth was on mine before I could process what was happening. Her lips were soft, and she tasted like booze. Her tongue forced its way into my mouth right before I was able to push her away. I felt shock flood through me and my heart pounded like I'd been attacked.

A few girls were watching us from across the room and started giggling when they saw I'd spotted them. She flashed them a smirk.

"Thanks," she said to me, and got up, walking towards them.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. I was biting my lip as my mind raced. There was a new type of shame creeping over my skin, one I couldn't explain.

What the fuck was that?

I tasted blood, but my mind didn't process it and my teeth kept biting my lip as my nerves turned into physical discomfort. I looked back to the kitchen. There was a pretty redheaded girl with her arm wrapped around Rowan's waist.

"There you are," Erik plopped down on the couch next to me, spilling a bit of his drink on his shirt. "Shit." Lucy sat beside him.

"You okay?" She asked me, sounding concerned. I tore my gaze away from Rowan and turned to them.

"Yeah, you know I think I'm gonna call an Uber. Not feeling great, probably drank too much." I lied, my teeth digging further into the tissue.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

"Are you sure?" Lucy said, getting up to sit next to me. She put the back of her hand on my forehead like an overprotective aunt and I brushed it away.

"Mhmm. You can stay though, I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

"I don't mind coming with you-"

"No, stay, I know you're having fun." I wanted to be alone. Lucy nodded and I stood up, saying bye to them before leaving the living room. I made sure to avoid looking at Rowan as I passed the kitchen, and released a breath once I made it to the front door and out into cool air.

I hurried down the stairs, passing a few couples who were not-so-discreetly hooking up in the front lawn. I made it to the sidewalk and called an Uber on my phone, trying to calm myself down.

Why are you so fucking weak? I felt tears brim as I stared down at my phone screen, my vision blurring.

Care to help me make someone jealous? I was glad I was leaving early enough to not find out whether some angry drunk dude was gonna come find me or not. I lifted my shirt to wipe away the bitter taste she'd left on my mouth, wiping harder and harder until I was sure my lips would get chapped.

"Evan,"

I felt a hand on my arm and yanked it back in surprise, quickly wiping my eyes and taking a step back. Rowan was only a few feet from me, his eyebrows drawn closely together in concern.

"Oh, hey. I'm just leaving," I said, hoping he didn't notice my hoarse tone. I flashed the Uber screen to him.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothi-"

"Is your lip bleeding?" He took a step closer, "What happened?"

"I accidentally bit it earlier, it's fine." I said, averting my eyes to my phone screen. I smelled the familiar vanilla scent as the breeze blew and Rowan stood by me.

"Evan, you don't look like you're okay,"

"It was just an accident-"

"I'm not just talking about your lip," he said, and I kept my eyes on my screen.

"Well, I'm fine. Thanks for your concern."

"Why are you leaving early?"

"I'm tired."

"Erik told me you weren't feeling well."

"Well Erik is also shit-faced so I don't know what to say about that."

"Lucy also said you weren't feeling well."

"Well, again- I'm fine."

What did he want me to say? Hey Rowan, some weird blonde chick stuck her tongue down my throat without warning and now I can't get her bitter taste out of my mouth. I feel sick because of it. I don't know why I'm so upset by it, I just am. Yeah, no.

"Come on," Rowan said, and snatched the phone from my hands. I saw him cancel the Uber. I felt too emotionally drained to argue with him about it, wondering what he wanted from me. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but I wanna at least make sure you get home safe."

"So you canceled my ride?"

"I'm taking you."

"Haven't you had something to drink?"

"Yeah, water."

I crossed my arms and walked next to him, glad to be getting some distance from the party.

"Where's your car?"

"Campus parking, a block from here. You okay with walking?"

I felt strange. Despite my suspicions on his involvement with a missing person and the complete lack of transparency he showed me, as I walked close to him I got a sense of comfort that made me feel safe.

"Alright."

***