***

I'd finished eating dinner and my parents had just gone to bed. How late would Rowan's practice go? I'd never felt this impatient before.

I turned the TV on, the lights around me off, and flipped through Netflix. After mindlessly scrolling through my options, I decided on a random episode of Arrested Development. I numbly stared at the screen without processing any of the show, though my mind was racing.

What would he say to me? Would he just tell me it'd been a mistake? Would he talk about it at all? I looked at the time, it was already 8:30. He'd probably forgotten.

I got back up to go to the front door and unlocked it, before walking back to the living room and dropping down to the couch.

I sent the message to Rowan, hoping he'd respond with a 'five minutes away' or something close, but after a few minutes when he didn't respond at all, my heart fell.

Don't put expectations on people you hardly know.

The lack of sleep from the night before was catching up to me, and I could feel my eyelids drooping.

Wait a second, I know you...

I forced my eyes back open, trying to focus them on the show but about a minute later they'd fully shut, and darkness blurred my reality.

I'm back on the cement. It's wet and dirty... He has me pinned to the ground.

"I warned you what would happen..." He says, his rotting, yellow teeth showing as his lip curls upwards.

I try pushing him off of me, but I'm weak, and my arms feel like they're made of lead. When did they get so heavy? He picks up a long shard of glass from next to him. I feel my heart pounding, almost forcing its way out of my chest...

"I told you what would happen if you said a word to Williams... Didn't I?" My eyes follow the glass in his hand with panic, and it gleams dangerously in the sunlight.

I shake my head, but he brings it down, pressing slowly against my throat, applying more and more pressure...

I woke up with a start and my eyes snapped open, trying to adjust to the darkness, only to find a figure kneeling in front of me.

I jumped back in shock as my heart almost leapt from my chest. I tried to yell, but his hand was already on my mouth. I grabbed the man's arm, trying to pull it away in terror.

"Shh, shh it's me." I heard a familiar voice whisper. I froze, my hands still gripping his arm tightly, until I saw the light from the TV reflecting off his face. I slowly let go of him and he took his hand off my mouth.

"Oh my god," I whispered, breathing heavily as if I'd just finished a marathon. I sat up and leaned back, rubbing my eyes. My face was damp with sweat and I wiped it away with the top of my shirt.

"Are you okay?" Rowan asked, and I looked at his shadowy figure ahead of me.

"I'm fine, just..." He looked at me uneasily, his eyes focused on mine. "Nothing." I finished. My mind was still reeling from the dream and slowly processing why Rowan was at my house. I looked behind him and saw that the show had paused, with the message, 'Are you still watching Arrested Development?'

Rowan let me catch my breath and I pushed away the vivid images from the nightmare I'd had seconds earlier.

"What time is it?" I whispered to him, feeling my heart slowly return to normal.

"It's nine-thirty. Sorry, I thought you'd be up, I just got here." It's only nine-thirty?

"I was supposed to be, I guess I passed out." I took a deep breath as flashes of my nightmare returned.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rowan asked quietly. His eyebrows were drawn closely together in concern, and I wondered if he'd heard me say anything in my sleep before. The thought made me cringe and I hoped he hadn't. I talked in my sleep a lot. My friends used to laugh at all the crazy shit I'd say when we'd hang out late and I fell asleep before them.

"Yeah I'm good." I said, regaining my self-consciousness as I remembered why he'd come. "We can talk outside, that way we don't have to whisper?" I said, avoiding his eyes.

"It's raining, but we can go to my car if you want." I nodded and he stood up, offering me a hand to help me.

I took it and quickly let go when I was up, silently following him to the door. I pulled on my shoes and a beanie from the hallway, before grabbing my keys and locking the door as quietly as I could behind me.

The rain was coming down hard, drenching everything in sight. It clashed loudly against the house and the ground, I wouldn't have been able to hear Rowan if he said anything. I followed him, thinking back to the last time I'd been in his car...

I hastily shook my head to brush away the memory before it came. The rain pelted us forcefully and we got in, closing the doors behind us loudly.

I took off my soaked beanie and held it on my lap. His car was clean, and I felt bad that I was drenching the smooth leathery material of his seat in water. The silence between us was loud, and I started nervously picking at my fingernails waiting for Rowan to say something. He turned the car on cranking the heat to high, and I smelled his familiar sweet vanilla scent as the air circulated.

"You hungry at all?" He asked, looking sideways at me. I glanced at him, before looking out the front window.

"I had dinner, but if you're hungry there's a Sonic nearby, I could get a drink."

"Okay," he said, switching gears to drive and pulling away from my house. I turned on the alert sound on my phone, in case my parents woke up and noticed I was gone.

The drive was painfully quiet, and I watched the rain fall on the windshield. The wipers were on their fastest setting, but they seemed to be no match for it. It pooled on the glass in a matter of milliseconds, loudly combating the sounds of the car's engine. I didn't know how Rowan could even see where he was going, all I could make out were blurred colors of red, green and white lights.

He seemed to be at ease, like he could've driven perfectly in that rain even if he were blind. He made his stops and turns smoothly, as if he had a map of the roads printed in his mind. I rested my elbow against the window and leaned against my palm, running my hair through my fingers anxiously.

"How was your practice?" I asked, breaking the silence. I saw him glance at me from the corner of my eyes before looking back at the road.

"Not bad. I had to help my coach out with some stuff after so it ran a bit late." I nodded. The energy between us was awkwardly formal, but I certainly wouldn't be the one to address the elephant in the room.

"Are your games starting again soon?"

"Yeah, we have our first preseason game in a few weeks, but regular season starts after winter break."

"Oh, cool."

Rowan pulled up to the Sonic drive-in, where there were two cars ahead waiting in line to order.

"What are you gonna get?" He asked me, and I lowered my head to look at the menu from his window.

"Uh..." I was too nervous. "I'll do a chocolate shake." I said, picking the first drink I saw. I was getting more and more tense the longer we avoided the topic...

"Are you sure you don't want food?" He said, and I shook my head.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Okay."

Rowan pulled up to the speaker and ordered a grilled cheese sandwich, fries, and my chocolate shake. I don't know why, but I was a bit surprised. There was something so simple about a grilled cheese. It was youthful... Innocent. Two adjectives that nobody in their right minds would ever use to describe Rowan Williams now.

I caught myself staring at him as he spoke to the person through the speaker. Never mind what had happened the other day... But what happened to him? What the hell had happened since those days in elementary school? Were any of those outlandish rumors that'd spread during high school like a disease true?

He was right there, and he had all the answers to my questions. I felt the urge to just ask him, right there and then. But the stronger the urge grew, the more sure I was that I'd keep my mouth shut.

The car in front of us pulled ahead, and Rowan turned forward driving closer to the pick-up window. I snapped my eyes away from him before he'd realize I'd been staring. He reached into the middle console and pulled out his wallet, and I felt my face flush slightly as I realized he was paying for my milkshake.

I quickly reached into my pocket and relief flooded me when I felt my own wallet. I'd probably fallen asleep with it earlier.

"You drove," I said and he turned "I'll pay." I held out a twenty and he just looked at it before a small smile crept up on his face. He gently pushed my hand back down, and I tried to ignore the tingle I felt at his touch as I frowned at him.

"No. I was the one who asked to talk, woke you up, and scared you half to death. Least I can do is get you a drink."

The tone of his voice seemed final, there was no changing his mind. So I leaned my head back against the chair and started picking at my fingernails again. I hated feeling in-debt to people more than anything. It was a nice gesture, but it didn't help my already agitated nerves.

I could list the things Rowan had done for me in just the past few months that more than made up for simply waking me up. If I counted them all, I'd be infinitely in debt to him. A minute passed and we reached the window.

The worker opened it and told Rowan the total. He looked familiar to me, but I wasn't sure why. His eyes flicked between Rowan and I, looking slightly puzzled. He obviously knew who Rowan was. I assumed he was somebody who went to Metropolitan, and remembering the state of my face, I quickly leaned far back in the chair, turning my head to look out my window.

Rowan didn't show any sign as to knowing who the worker was, and thanked him politely as he grabbed the food. I turned back as he drove away from the window before pulling into an empty parking spot on the other side of the building.

He handed me the shake and I took it, muttering an awkward 'thanks' and taking a small sip. Rowan took a bite of his sandwich and leaned his chair back a bit, turning to me.

"How was your first day back?" He asked me, and I held back my surprise as best as I could. Is he seriously asking me about my day?

"Uh, fine I guess." I said, thinking back on it. All I'd done was try to avoid attention and stress about the kiss. "You?"

"Not too bad." He said, and I found it hard to look away as his tone changed slightly, signaling that a topic change was coming. I felt my nails dig into my palms and quickly unclenched them, hoping he hadn't noticed.

Calm down, Evan.

"So, about yesterday." Here it comes. My eyes snapped to his. The car was dark though I was still able to sense what looked like guilt appearing in his eyes. "I shouldn't have kissed you, Evan."

I felt my emotions crash down on me all at once. My face heated and my mind was scrambling to find an answer, but it was coming up with too many. I couldn't think of the words to respond.

Of course he regrets it.

I mean, this was Rowan Williams. Why would he want someone like me? We were complete opposites. I looked away from the older boy and shrugged, worried that if I let myself say anything I'd get too emotional.

His eyes were studying me sharply and I lifted the shake to take another sip, focusing all my attention on the water that was pouring down his windshield.

"Listen," he started again and I leaned my head back against the headrest, still fixated on the rain ahead.

Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at him.

"You don't know everything about me." He said softly, and I could tell he was reading my deflating body language. "And if you did, you wouldn't have kissed me back."

I released a breath I'd been holding and wrapped my arms lightly over my stomach, still holding the cold shake in my hand. The car was silent for a moment while I tried to think of something to say to that.

"So maybe you should tell me." I started, surprising myself with the steadiness in my voice. "And I can make that decision for myself."

I finally broke my gaze from the windshield and looked at him. His eyes didn't wander from mine but as I looked into them, I knew there was no possibility I'd be getting any sort of answers about whatever dark secrets he harbored.

"I can't." Rowan said, his voice was firm. I turned away from him and stared back at the rain.

"You think I'd tell people?"

"No." He paused a moment. "But I don't know what you'd do."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you don't want to know about those types of things, Evan... Trust me."

"You clearly don't know what I want." I said, surprising myself again. I looked at his lips, remembering how they'd felt against mine, before my eyes trailed down to his hands... His hands. They looked different.

I looked away, focusing my attention on my milkshake. The whipped cream was slowly blending in with the drink, the cherry on top sinking down. I fiddled with the straw, mixing the cream into the shake.

"I just don't want you to get hurt again."

I just don't want you to get hurt again...

...I just don't want you...

I blinked, feeling my emotions start to overcome me. When had I become so insecure? My mind was twisting Rowan's words, when it should've been listening to them closely.

If I'd really been listening, maybe I would've been able to start putting some pieces together.

I should've asked him more questions, even ones I knew he wouldn't answer. Did he know what had happened to Ray? Why were random drunk men on the streets afraid of him? What was the conversation he'd had with Ben about?

Why were his knuckles bruised when they hadn't been the day before?

But I was drowning in the feeling of being unwanted. He didn't want to tell me his secrets, and he'd made it clear that he regretted kissing me. I was too fragile to understand that he wasn't rejecting me. I felt tears start to brim and I turned my head to look out my window, holding them back.

"Can you just take me home then?"

***