I didn't grasp that desire and duty could rival each other, least of all that they most often did.

Jasper's actually going to spar with me.

The timing might be a little shitty, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited for it.

Honestly, Fly talking about how better he's doing since he moved in with Scarlette distracted me. He moved out of his mom's house in the middle of Senior year, but into a pretty small apartment.

Scar didn't like that.

But it was better than the alternative, because in Flynn's mind, living with Scarlette wasn't an option for some reason.

He's an idiot, that's all I know.

When Jasper and Axel kept getting closer together, although they were arguing, it caught my attention so I jogged over to them.

The musician said he's fighting Axel- -who I already beat in a fight- -to make sure he can fight me without hurting me too.

I don't understand the thought, but I appreciate the effort.

Besides, chances are I'll end up fighting with Fly -we used to spar all the time before practice and on days he needed to do something to distract himself, or me for the same reason.

"I didn't expect you to use that mammoth size body of yours and push me." Is the first thing I heard that idiot Axel say all while collapsed back onto the ground.

My boyfriend just shrugs, a half smirk on his face. "That's like, really not my problem."

"Loser," Axel calls him, pushing himself up to stand. "Fight me!"

I'll fight him again, just for being stupid.

But Jasper, who straightens out, making my eyesight become nothing more than his shoulders, seems to have this covered.

Axel laughs nervously. "I forgot," He clears his throat, obviously nervous. "That you were that tall."

Jasper scoffs, "You just made a comment about me being a mammoth."

Hearing this, I flip Axel off.

"Have you looked in a mirror, my man?" The stupid D'Silvetta does a weird bow and twirl just to blow me a fucking kiss, to which I flip him off again. This is the only one Jasper sees. "You're very large, in all the right places."

First of all, Jasper's a virgin so that leads me to my second point, the only person that should ever know that is me.

Nyx, without pause, slapped the back of her best friend's head and dragged his head down to her height by his ear, Axel yelping the entire time, "Quit it, A, or I will make you sterile, you know Jazz gets anxious when you talk like that!"

The two go back and forth with each other until Axel ends up apologizing to Jasper, who just makes a face back at him.

Flynn tugs on my arm right above the wrap, making me turn up to him with a raised eyebrow. I'm not sure how he noticed I even had that, or something happened, but clearly he does so I do.

It was an accident.

He sighs in relief, raising his eyebrow back at me and glancing at Jasper.

Because I've never had to tell him that before, I actually end up saying out loud "I told him everything." which makes Fly grin, high fiving me.

Crossing my arms I roll my eyes at him, and though I can tell he's 'proud' of me, he doesn't say anything more.

I mean, for fucks sake, I couldn't even talk about it without triggering myself.

About that, nonetheless.

It felt real, it really did, and my skin crawls everything I think about the slightest detail of it. Maybe it feels so bad because I was taken advantage of more than once, or maybe it's all just because of me being taken in the first place.

But I hate myself just a little for not being able to get over it.

I want to get over it, I do.

"I'm not ready to lose yet," Axel blurting this breaks me from my thoughts. "He's a Hufflepuff but he's scary."

"I'm really starting to question your intelligence."

Rich coming from the guy who willingly goes by Fly.

"He has none." I spitefully add, making Axel's own girlfriend laugh. That's tough.

"Alright, let's do this!" The stupid D'Silvetta looks my boyfriend in the eyes, then demands, "Strip."

My anger flares up, worse than before, but with it comes anxiety.

After a nightmare like that, I feel so raw.

It's good to work it off, which is how I usually deal with this and is the reason I even started running in the mornings.

"Okay, but like, actually take your shirt off," Moving back into the 'rink' of sand, Axel continues on, making both me and Nyx glare at him. "I know you like to just fight in your shorts, which you're already wearing."

Obviously I don't mind Jasper being shirtless at all, but I do mind Axel being around and touching him when he's like that.

I fucking hate how possessive I am.

"No comments about how ugly I look." Jasper says. "Seriously, A, you either insult me or flirt with me, pick one."

"Or neither." His oldest sister grumbles.

Hold on, did this fucker seriously just say he looked ugly?

Jasper Red -ugly?

What a fucking joke.

Before I can protest Jasper tugs his shirt overhead and turns, letting me see the dark red marks on his side and chest, the stark white bandages on his wrist.

My emotions get the better me and how overwhelmed I was is only half of it, and I find myself trying not to cry again.

Despite covering mouth, I still manage to catch Jasper's attention -though it definitely could have been one of my tics that did it.

"You, you lied." In a tic, I squeak but since I'm also crying it makes me start hiccuping too.

"Castor," My boyfriend is quick to make his way over to me, taking me in his arms. "I-I didn't want to make you feel worse. I promise that, that I'm okay. It's just a couple scratches and bruises."

One's I caused.

Jasper should never be hurt again, especially not by me.

Wrapping one thick arm around the back of my thighs, Jasper pulls me up in a koala hug. I wrap myself around him, trying not to keep crying but I can't stop.

My wrist starts throbbing, but I don't care.

"You should- -Christmas lights- -have told me. I... I didn't know it was you."

During my nightmare I didn't know it was him, I thought it was Clark, not him. Hurting him is the last thing I'd ever want to do.

I never want to give anyone a valid reason to compare me to Keres.

"I know." My boyfriend speaks gently, and I realize he's seen me cry more today than the entire time we've known each other. "My star, I really am okay."

It's not only physically I'm worried about, what if me hurting him triggers him?

Fuck.

I actually hurt my boyfriend.

"I knew you would never hurt me, not on purpose. Y-you were terrified and you were hurting yourself. I had to do something, this will heal without a problem. Please, please don't beat yourself up over this."

Holding onto him tighter, I'm all too aware that my emotions are too high right now to get a good grip of myself but I can't do anything about it. "I'm so- -in Eden- -sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't-" I tic a few times. "I didn't mean to."

"You have nothing to apologize for." I scoff in reply. "Hey, I'm being serious. If this was me, and our situation was reversed, you'd be saying the exact same thing I am. I've... I've hurt someone, I broke my sister's arm once in when I was having a bad dream. That wasn't my fault, it was an accident, just like this was an accident. Unless, of course, you wanted to hurt me."

Wanted to hurt him?

I love him, I don't want to hurt him.

"Of course- -Sasuke- -not!" Sniffing, I pull away and glare at him -half concerned it might look like a pout, all because I'm crying.

"That's my point," He brushes his nose against mine, making me look back up at him. "These injuries -they're not bad, not at all. I'd do it again, too. I care about you, Castor, you're mine, okay? If I get hurt helping you then I get hurt. You've done the same thing."

He doesn't have nightmares like this.

He doesn't hurt me.

So I have to ask, "When?"

"Catching me when I trip, only to fall with me. When I had my panic attack because of the fire drill and I couldn't see -you hurt your hips."

I...I did?

"Beating up Axel."

That really shouldn't count.

"That wasn't just because he made you mad, it was about how he made you mad." Yeah, by hurting Jasper's senses. Surprising me, Jasper places a small, soft kiss against my lips, ignoring the tears on my cheek. "I know you're possessive, and I don't mind it. I know you help me all the time. I'm allowed to help you."

Is it really help if he gets hurt and then has to be helped too?

Especially if I'm the one hurting him...

Breaking me from my thoughts, Jasper growls at me and me having Tourette's, I can't stop myself from growling back.

Why does he like doing that? I'm still not sure about how it works.

Blinking past the last of my tears, I raise an eyebrow at him. "How'd I hurt your wrist?"

"Nuh-uh," He hitches me further up on him. "It's not bad, and you'll only feel worse."

"I bit you, didn't I? Scratched you?" I try to guess, but he just shakes his head at me.

"Not telling.

"Just...will it scar?"

"Nope, not unless I purposely make it worse..." What the fuck -does he want it to scar? Like hell I'm letting that happen. Seeing my face, probably able to guess my thoughts, Jasper quickly adds, "Which I'm not going to be doing."

Sighing at him, I press my face against his shoulder, not being able to stop myself from biting him until I can force myself away from him, hand shooting to the spot.

Fuck. Fuck!

"That's exactly what I didn't- -Christmas lights- -want to fucking do!"

"You're okay, Star." Jasper has the audacity to laugh, making me glare again. "That barely hurt. I've bitten you more than you've done to me."

I huff at him, "Yours were on purpose."

"Yeah, but it's not like you drew blood or anything." Oh great, so that's the limit. "Besides, it's a little funny."

"It's not funny. Not at all."

"Excuse me, sir, I'm the one getting bit," He pokes me on the nose. "I'm allowed to think it's funny."

My grumbling cuts off as he growls at me again. Narrowing my eyes at him, I wipe my face clear of tears as I ask, "You're enjoying that, aren't you?"

Jasper kisses my cheek along with my palm, which was still up by my face. "Immensely."

After a few more moments and a shout from his older sister, Jasper puts me down and tries to walk away but I grab onto him before he can.

My boyfriend jerks under my fingertips and I realized I grabbed onto his hips, which apparently is a sensitive spot on him.

Instead of mentioning that, I focus on his bruises.

The one on his chest is the reddest and looks like I kneed him right in the side, I know it's not that bad as I run my fingers gently over the spot and he doesn't even wince.

Why didn't he just tell me?

I should have been able to apologize sooner, make sure he was okay.

"These look like they hurt, Jasper." I scold him, frowning.

"I'm clumsy and get bruises like these on a weekly basis, Star." The musician mumbling this doesn't ease the worry in my mind. "You just don't see me shirtless that often, but if you did you'd know I have one almost always on the top of my hip from that one annoying counter at home."

Jasper squirms slightly under my palms but doesn't look uncomfortable it's more like he's...jittery.

Knowing what counter he's talking about, how he slides in the hallway out of his room, I move my fingers down to the edge of his shorts right at the dip of his hip -where there's even a bruise still present, unless this is from something else. "Here?"

"Ah, yeah..."

His muscles jump, making me turn up to him at how hesitant he sounded. "You lying?"

Jasper shakes his head, flush rising along his neck. "No, I'm not, someone just needs to punch me for my thoughts."

Well...we are supposed to fight.

In less than a minute we're in the rink, Nyx calling for us to start.

I've never seen Jasper fight so I don't know his style. Unless I'm really mad when I fight, like with Axel, I'm mostly a defensive fighter. My goal is to pin someone or knock them out in the easiest way I can.

So I wait for Jasper to move first, hands not in fists like the giant but flat to block.

My boyfriend takes a step closer, frowning, and realizing he's surprised for some reason I dash under his raised arms and twist on heel -catching one ankle around his to send him flat on his back.

He spins around, arms raised. I quickly grab them, pinning him down as I straddle his hips.

Smirking, I lean into him. "Maybe you are a bottom."

Without warning, Jasper thrusts his hips up making my entire body freeze in shock at the fact that suddenly his very hot body is pressed into mine in the best way possible.

My shock lets him grab my wrists and turn over so I'm on bottom, pinning me back in reply.

"Oh," Jasper breaths. "Maybe being a bottom is a possibility."

Everyone around us erupts into laughter and Jasper hides his face against my neck, laughing to himself.

Who does this fucker this he is, he might be a switch but I'm sure as fuck not a bottom.

"I'm not a bottom." I tell my boyfriend, holding onto his jaw.

Mint eyes glance at our bodies, "Well, you're definitely not on top."

"Let go of my hands and I can change that real fucking fast."

"Guys!" Scarlette claps her hands, catching both our attention but it's really only Jasper who goes red at the attention we got. "Stop flirting or whatever. Fight."

Fly snorts, "What a mood killer."

Jasper rolls off me, letting me glare at him as he smiles and pulls me up.

And just like that we're back to fighting.

I let the musician circle me, he fights way more offensively than I do and I'm able to nearly get him pinned but every time he overpowers me.

My boyfriend is a giant of a man, ranging a bit over 6'5" with a broad body covered with muscles. He works out all the time and sure, he's slower than I am but he's also a really good fighter.

I've never felt this small compared to him.

This round is a lot slower than the first and I'm almost able to pin him again until his body twists onto mine, taking me down instead by using his weight to win.

Not used to fighting on sand- -but guessing Jasper's done this a lot due to his stable footing- -I accidentally slip and wind up handing the win to Jasper on a golden platter.

Then again I accidentally head butt him in a tic, so I definitely don't deserve that win.

The fourth and last set, Jasper won again.

Huffing, I cross my arms and turn to him. "I can kick your ass."

Jasper only laughs, kissing my temple. "I know, my star. You're a really good fighter."

I know that. I mean, I could kick Axel's ass. I kick Atlas's ass. And all my male cousin's ass. And Fly's ass.

So why the fuck can't I win against the musician of all people?

He's a puppy!

"Yeah, well, if you weren't so big, I would've won." That's the conclusion I'll go with, I guess. "I didn't even know you could fight that well. What else are you hiding from me?"

The look on his face says there is something but he comments on me being tiny before saying, "I don't hide much from you, I blurt it all out before I have the chance."

"Fair." It really was and besides, it's not like it's required he share all his secrets with me. "And for the last time, I'm not tiny."

Standing to his full height, our chests inches apart, Jasper looks straight out and even as I tilt my head and eventually stand on my toes, he doesn't meet my and doesn't seem to even see me.

Are you fucking kidding me.

"Uh-huh," He finally looks down at me, minty eyes smug. "Not tiny. Got it."

"I am not tiny!" I protest. "I'm average, I'm- -tiny, tiny, tiny-"

"See!" Jasper says pointedly, flicking a hand out to me. "Even your Tourette's knows it's true."

"I mean like, that's funny, but no," Raising my middle finger at him, I huff. "Fuck you."

"Fuck you?" My boyfriend bends over just to be eye level with me. "If you say please."

"Please? I thought we already agreed you were the one sucking my dick."

Jasper grins, winking at me. "Again, if you say please."

I can't believe I love this cocky fucker.