I had forgotten. Disgust shadows desire. Another life is never safely envied.

The fourth day at the island started out a lot calmer in pretty much all regards, it was three days before Christmas and everyone was starting to feel mellowed out after exerting themselves by acting like crackheads and toddlers for the first few days.

Sadly, the D'Silvetta's didn't have an off switch.

And neither did Fly.

They're the ones who gathered all the people around our age, their siblings and partners and demanded we play soccer together.

From the very first game, we knew that Vivianna and Payton couldn't be together but everyone and their love were on opposite teams, with the twin D'Silvettas as the extra rule. So I wasn't on Jasper's team.

Somewhere along the way it was decided that we were the black jersey's, while the other team was green.

Honestly, used to playing sports around guys who didn't give a fuck about me- -excluding Fly who already knew and saw me at my worst- -when I over heated because the fucking tight black fabric heated me up like crazy I didn't think twice about tugging my jersey off.

And I think about that for a second, just a second when I remember the things I've gone through and the words etched into my skin, before shrugging it off and jogging up next to Fly -who throws me my water bottle.

"You're tan." Flynn notes.

It's a small warning, in case I forgot the white marks that line my body, but I ignore it. Seeing that, he continues to drink.

If I don't care, he doesn't either.

"Think we're going to win?"

On our team, there's me, Nyx and Anadi as strikers. Then there's Aiko, and Lavender as midfields. Vivianna refused to 'be defined' by a spot and runs around the field so she's a wild card, but has scored us points. Nymphadora, Eris and Isaiah are our defense. And Fly is our goalie.

Meanwhile on the other team, there's Atticus and Scar as the strikers. Arabella and Dela as midfields. Both Payton and Axel were wild cards and Axel was getting on my nerves, because he made it so he was always trying to block me. Damien and Jasper were the defense, Cara is the goalie -the girl could jump.

So it's pretty even to me, though we are down two points because Viv decided it was her job to attempt to annoy Fly which only led to an honest conversation.

Scar, knowing her boyfriend's weaknesses, took this opportunity to score.

Shrugging again, I listen to him as he starts to tell me and Nyx about a new game plan.

Nyx is surprisingly competitive.

Both of our attention gets caught at the sounds of crying, our heads whipping over to Jasper. His older sister gets to him first, trying to coax his hands away from his face.

"Jitterbug?" Stepping closer, I gently hold one of his lower arms. "What's wrong?"

"I want...to f-fight." Is all he stutters out, taking a shaky breath.

Sharing awkward eye contact with Nyx, I ask "Do you want a hug." the same moment she asks him why he wants to fight.

Not hesitating, Jasper wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest, head bowed against my shoulder as I raise on my toes so he doesn't have to bend over so much.

"It's 'cause..." Jasper sniffles. "Castor..."

Even speaking so close to my ear, I can't really understand him. It's quite confusing.

"What did I do wrong?"

"You want to fight Cas?"

Once again, mine and Nyx's minds work at the same speed, just in opposite directions, which I'd imagine is a bit confusing for Jasper too.

Him crying breaks my heart just a little.

This isn't something I was prepared for.

Over Jasper's shoulder, Axel frowns. "Jazz?"

It's Jasper who snaps this time. "Too close. You're too close."

Not knowing what's happening I hold him tighter, glaring at Axel until he takes a few steps back, motioning for his little sister to do the same.

"Jazz?" Nyx said cautiously.

Without warning or saying anything more, my boyfriend dips down and throws me over his shoulder, making me yelp in surprise.

His hands are gentle on me.

The only new thing that I know for a fact happened was someone being able to see my scars -that or he noticed my two new tattoos, but I doubt that's it.

I'm a white guy, that's pretty clear, but just like my dad during summer if I spend any time in the sun after a few days I tan pretty dark.

So normally, during winter or the rare times I wouldn't get sun time, you can't see the scars I have unless they're very fresh because they pretty much match my skin.

It helps that I've used scar cream and don't let myself get infected, which annoyed my doctors with how much they've had to add to my medical history.

To me, my worst scars aren't anything someone made on me, but the ones I've made on myself.

And Jasper has already seen those.

That means I didn't take into account the amount of shock that can come with seeing actual words written into someone's skin, mocking or degrading them, alone with all the other ones I have.

My boyfriend is crying not because of me, but for me.

I wrap my arms around his middle, trying to stay calm myself. "Jasper?"

"No." Jasper just says, hands tightening.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"I..." The giant trails off, muscles jumping under my touch. "Just no. I can't."

"Can't?"

Am I triggering him, or is seeing me like this just really weird, I know the scars are ugly -does he need to be alone.

But if he needed to be alone, why did he bring me?

Or why didn't he tell me to put a shirt on?

Not saying anything else, he continues to carry me all the way into our cabin, dunking back down to gently set me in front of the couch before he sits down himself.

His arms open like when he wants a hug.

I don't know if that's completely okay right now, or what I've done wrong, nerves and anxiety twist in my stomach and it just gets worse when Jasper sighs, eyes closing for a few moments as his jaw jumps.

After a few seconds, Jasper sits up straighter. "Star, I am very angry right now." Angry and sad, or just angry enough to cry? "Can -I just need to hold you. Can I?"

He's not going to ask me to put a shirt on?

That's...he needs me right now, and I guess if he needed me to do that, he'd ask that too.

So I don't waste more time and climb into his lap, letting him pull me even closer until he could comfortably rest his forehead against my shoulder.

Jasper takes a shuddering breath in, and I can feel it under my finger tips.

"Castor." The musician says, pulling away to meet my eye. "Stop it. Stop being mean to yourself. You didn't -you didn't do anything wrong."

"You're angry because- -in Eden- -of my scars and-" I squeak a few times, shoulders jumping. "-that I didn't tell you about them."

My boyfriend makes a half-scoff half-squeak noise of surprise, nuzzling his face into my neck where he places a gentle kiss. "You're beautiful, Star. All of you, your eyes, your personality, your palms, your laughter, your scars are no different. You're my god, and you're a beautiful God. Nothing will change my mind about that."

How can he say that, seeing my body the way it is?

God, is he trying to make me cry?

"The scars on your body don't make you any less beautiful." Jasper cups my face, thumb brushing along my cheeks.

That'd be a yes.

"My mind's a- -in Eden- -mess too."

I'm not beautiful inside, I'm an asshole. I'm mean, too mean and cruel and violent for someone like him.

Isn't that what's most important?

"Mess or not, you're the most beautiful person I know, Castor." Pressing a delicate kiss to my lips, Jasper sighs against me. "It...it makes me so angry that someone did this to you -that someone hurt you. But I'm not mad at you, I'm not upset that you didn't tell me about the scars or anything like that."

Though I have no idea how comfortably I can really say it, I already said I'm going to share everything with him.

Is now a good time?

"Can...I'll tell you about how- -Christmas lights- -I got them?"

"Of course," Jasper instantly agrees, nose bumping into mine to make me meet his eye again. "I won't judge you, but I can't... I-I can't promise I won't get any angrier, Star. I'll try hard, though. I don't like being angry around you."

"Anger is fine," I tell him, pressing my head under his chin -knowing if I see the pain in Jasper's eyes any more tonight I might start sobbing. "I get angry too."

Which he already knew.

"No offense, but your anger... seems less destructive than what I've done before."

Does he not remember me beating up Axel...?

Also I told him how much I fight, how that wasn't a bad fight for me either.

Pausing, knowing how kind he is, I ask, "What do you mean?"

"K-Keres isn't the only person I've hurt, I just... there's reasons a lot of people in my town are scared of me, and none of them are good. I'm a big guy, and I know how to fight really, really well. It's not good for others when I snap."

Well yeah, I didn't think it would be.

But Jasper just doesn't hurt people -there's always reasons.

"Did they deserve it?"

"Yes." It would surprise me if they didn't. "They were horrible people, but violence is never an answer when things can be solved in calmer, less bloodier ways."

Sometimes violence isn't the answer.

But it is the question.

And um, the answer's yes.

Jasper knows how to fight really well -like how Axel and me can fight? Does that mean he'd be willing to spar? "Can I fight you?"

The giant actually laughs at me, "No, I'm not fighting you. Nope. You're tiny."

What is with this fucker and him calling me tiny.

"I'm not tiny," I pull away just to glare at him. "You're a giant, that's it."

"I usually only spar with my papa, Tio Gus, Damien, or Axel. And I know for a fact you're going to be mean to yourself if you bruise me, because you will. I bruise really easily." He's right, I do hate that, but I also learned from my dad who spars with my mom, who's the same way. So I don't think I'd even bruise him. Plus, I fight more defensively than offensively, like Axel. "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want you to get frustrated with yourself."

"Wait, wait, let me get this right," I sit up straighter. "You don't want to spar with me because you're worried about how I will feel and not that you might get hurt?"

"I already know you know how to pull punches," Jasper tilts his head, frowning. "And it's not going to be an honest fight and it's not like you're going to use this as an opportunity to hurt me on purpose or something."

That's...oddly comforting.

Especially knowing who his last boyfriend was.

"So no, I'm not worried. Well, maybe because I'm clumsy, but that's a whole other category of injuries."

"How about this," I continue. "You spar with Damien- -with, with, with- -or someone else, and I watch. If I think I'll get hurt or our skill sets are too different, I won't ask to fight you again but if I don't then we spar?"

Clearly hesitate, Jasper nods, "If I hurt you -like, honestly hurt you, I'm going to cry."

"That's not fair." Not when I'd be the one in pain. "I hate it when you cry."

"And I hate it when you get hurt, so..."

"Fair," I shift further along his thighs, trying to be comfortable there without also letting my mind slip into dangerous territory. "Do you really want to have the conversation- -in Eden- -about my scars?"

We did get a bit off topic, but he says yes so I start to think.

Like fuck, how am I even supposed to say all this.

Now I know why I avoided it for so long.

"I'm gonna do this as fast as possible," I decide. "But also, kind of like a presentation because if I tell you it like it's a traumatic story I have to care about I'll probably cry."

I really fucking hate crying.

With passion.

"That's...that's okay, whatever makes you most comfortable, Star." My boyfriend presses a kiss to the side of my temple. "Don't push yourself."

Though I'm all too aware about what I'm doing at the moment, I distract my body by tracing the gold and black dragon curling over his shoulder.

"Both sets of my grandparents are abusive, annoying fucks who have made it their life mission to get 'revenge' on my mother for ruining their lives and 'stealing' my dad away from them. They raised my uncle, who's a police officer. He's a drunk, a nasty one at that. Because of that, he thinks he can do whatever he wants and usually his target is me and my siblings. Out of us, I'm the easiest target."

It's amazing and annoying how many shitty people seem to realize that.

"Eris and Triton haven't met him, it's going to stay that way. Your dad-- I don't think... he shouldn't be around that."

Bar Red was...I know he's sensitive, otherwise he wouldn't seem so upset at so many things, or treat Jasper- -6'5" capable Jasper who's strong, smart and reliable- -like he's still his baby boy.

Mama taught me to protect men like him.

That's what I'm trying to do, because right now, I don't need protecting anymore.

"Once, they called CPS on my parents for some bullshit and during the investigation we all got divided. Because Jonah's a cop, he was able to slow down everything. I lived with Jonah." I got a lot of scars during that time. "I was only there for three weeks."

My parents were ordered not to contact us during those three weeks, but I told the CPS worker off to her face for trying to take my phone from me.

"Nemesis actually went with Adonis because he acted really fast and petitioned the court for us all, but they only let him take her, so she was only with my grandparents for a few days." But those few days weren't pleasant for her either. "Atlas was just about eighteen when it happened, so he got to stay home. Circe and TJ lived with my Uncle Jem, who's fucking amazing by the way. Uncle Kace already had Fly that week but my Aunt Roby and Uncle Keagan have two younger kids, so they took Eris."

It was terrifying being separated from my family like that.

I mean, I went from a house with two loving parents, five siblings- -two of which were little kids- -to stuck with Jonah and wondering if they were all okay, knowing I wasn't.

Luckily though, it seems Eris doesn't really remember that.

"There were days Jonah just didn't let me go to school, so I got really behind and missed the end of semester exams that made me fail one class. That wasn't fun."

Even back then, I remember Fly being upset that I missed practice -not knowing about school.

"At school I was...I was the only gay kid in the mess of homophobes on the football team." Just like now. "My hockey team didn't care but in that sport, you get beat on anyway. It's actually really fun, but..."

It is a really fun sport.

But it came with bullies. With Clark.

"There was this one, this one, this-"

My throat tighten as my hands start to shake, and I don't know if my body is following suit, but I do know how weak I feel.

"You're doing really good, Castor." Jasper presses a kiss to my forehead, and I try to relax, I do, but it doesn't work. "Talking about this...it -it's really hard. And I'm proud of you. Do you need your medicine?"

"Fuck-" I already took two today, and probably shouldn't take more, but when I start to tic more, cutting myself off, I start not to care. "Please."

My boyfriend stands up, arm under my thighs to keep my stable. I squeak, then growl, then squeak again.

"Am I heavy to you?" I ask -trying to distract myself all the more.

Jasper shakes his head, "Not at all."

I huff but don't add more to the conversation, letting him carry me to our room where he just leans over to let me drop down on the bed.

He hands me the bottle, allowing me to take three before cuddling with me until it kicks in -letting me lay on his chest without complaint.

My body calms down when my mind keeps raging.

"His name, it was-" So when I say this, I flinch. "Clark."

And Jasper seems to flinch with me.

"He bullied me," I admit. "But a lot of the time it went a lot farther than that. It's not like he was homophobic or hated people with disabilities, it was just me that he hated. I just seemed to piss him off, somehow."

I still haven't figured out why.

"At our school, he was top of the food chain, his dad was on the school board and his mom was the Sheriff, so he could get away with anything."

"That's bullshit." My boyfriend frowns, hand continuing to gently run along my back. "There should've been people who stood up for you and against him. I'm, I'm sorry they didn't."

Nobody knew, not really.

There were some things that Fly saw, but he also knew I got into fights and hurt myself, being too pale from bloodlust or having broken something, it was normal.

And I kept all of this completely separate from my family.

My parents still don't know.

At this point I think it's too late.

"Nothing he did, he got consequences for." And I mean nothing, not even the times teachers would catch him. I don't think he got a single suspension his entire high school life. "So he just kept escalating, went from jabs to punches to beatings to using weapons, to things that felt like, like torture. The words, I mean. 'Spaz'. A few 'Freaks' and 'Twitch'. Then it started to be stuff to prove I had Tourette's like my own mouth didn't spew out nonsense proof every few minutes. He always tried to get me to stop, to just stop moving or talking, to stay silent or still, but I can't stop. I can't stop."

Maybe that hurts as much as it does because I've tried to get myself to stop too.

"That somehow turned into proof I was gay, or able to fight like everyone said. Those two things they don't, they don't mix well." My hands start to shake again, so I clutch onto Jasper tighter. "He hurt me a lot, in a lot of ways and I can't, I can't, I can't say it. I don't -he just hurt me and it's weird, it's weird that the most damaging things he did are the things I don't have scars from. The shit nobody can tell by looking at my body."

If I needed to, I can't prove it.

There's nothing I can do.

And I fucking hate that, but I've given up on the idea of anything else.

"You don't have to say it, Star." My boyfriend keeps comforting me, and for some reason it just makes me want to cry more.

"All he knew how to do was remind me that I'm nothing more than a body," Like my mind didn't count, but he said even if it did, it'd be worthless. "A body that's dysfunctional and useless. I'm just a body."

Jasper shakes his head.

"You are so much more than a body."

I want to believe him, but I can't even look at him as he sits up to hold my face in hands, and probably to look at my song easier.

"You're not -you're not those words that they called you, you're not just your Tourette's and you're not just a body. That's like saying, because of my synesthesia, all I am is just mixed up, worthless senses. Your body might not listen to you all the time, but it's not useless. It carries your head from room to room, doesn't it? It lets me hold your hands, lets me cuddle with you and kiss you and gives me the best hugs. Nothing about that is worthless."