Why doesn't hatred kill desire? I would have given anything to sleep. I would have behaved like a schoolboy if I had believed in the possibility of a substitute. But there was a time when I had tried to find a substitute, and it hadn't worked.

"Love?" I call Jasper, digging the phone I pick pocketed from Atlas in the car out of my pocket. "I'm going to go talk to Fly," Jasper instantly pouts, making me roll my eyes. "Don't get jealous, he has nothing on you."

Not taking my words to heart, Jasper crosses his arms and stares at me when I stand, clearly not wanting me to be next to him with Jasper there.

But one hint of turbulence and I think Jasper will kill himself tripping.

So I put a standing-ban on him.

Out of all the fucking years this guy has been flying places, you'd think his body would be used to it. Yet he's already elbowed one of his cousins- -thankfully it was Axel- -in the back of the head, stepped on one of his uncles, chest-bumped one of Scarlett's sisters into an empty seat and lastly, sat on me when trying to get to his seat.

The giant's too clumsy for his own good.

"Be back soon?" The musician asks, minty eyes hopeful.

I nod, but he's clearly not done with the conversation as he raises a finger.

At first, I honestly think he's flipping me off but then I realize he's pointing to his lips. See? Adorable, needy puppy.

Leaning over, I peck his lips and where his right dimple shows up for good measure. "Happy now?"

"Um..." He shakes his head, pointing to his face again. "Here please."

Raising an eyebrow, "You're pointing to your entire face."

Jasper nods, grinning widely.

Shaking my head, I kneel on my seat, take his face in my hands and kiss every inch of this dork's gorgeously flushed face until he's giggling and happy again, making me give him just a few extra pecks on the lips.

"I'm not asking again," My words make him pout for a split second before he's grinning again. "I'm gonna be gone, but I'll be right back."

Giving him one last warning glare, I make my way over to Scarlett and Flynn, who waves excitedly at me as he catches my eye.

Idiot.

"Cassie!" He cheers. "What brings you to this side of the plane?"

The plane is split into two sections for comfort, adults and kids then teenagers. Then that's split on either side, chairs are reversible but only the three D'Silvetta brothers and Nyx are face to face. Damian looks like he wants to commit murder.

He's facing Axel, so I support him.

There's empty seats in front of me and Jasper but up and to our right is Dela and Lavender, next to them is Eris and Arabella and in front of them, spinning in her seat, is Vivianna next to a sleeping Ahmik.

The ones I don't know that well otherwise are all on the other side, sticking to themselves even if they're all quite loud, singing, or fighting among themselves.

"Hey, so I stole who-know-whose phone," I tell him, having already taken the lock down and having no hesitation tossing it at the football player -Atlas's name is banned from his dictionary. "Two rules, no doing permanent damage, no deleting personal stuff or looking at photos. Other than that, do your worst damage."

"Ha, ha! The power-" Fly starts to laugh maniacally, then cuts himself off with a frown. "Wait, won't you literally get beaten for this?"

At that moment one of Scarlett's dads, Lawrence, comes through the divide with Bar Red at his side -them probably checking on us.

But that doesn't make anything that was just said less worrying, making the older man raise an eyebrow at me.

I love Atlas to the best of my abilities.

I love how soft and kind he can be to our mama, how he tends to put people before himself and knows how to fix everything even when he's not looking for the solution.

I love how fucking smart the guy in some ways while being so dumb in other but he uses every drop of his intellect to it's full potential. I love how he adapts to everyone that he loves, when they're quiet he's loud for them but silent when he needs to be and when they're literally insane he matches their energy while keeping them safe.

I love how he's the most amazing brother to all our siblings and takes Eris to her games and Triton to see movies and play games with him, how he paints with Nemesis even though he sucks at it just like he's terrible at making food and baking but he does that with Adonis and Papa anyway. How he supports Selene every way he can and goes to Pride with Circe and Noel.

I love how he's a family guy and treats Grace with respect and how excited he is for the baby they have on the way and to be a father, and I love how I think he's going to be a good father and is a good uncle.

But I don't get why he doesn't love me.

Because my love for him doesn't change the fact that we've told each other things that make me sick to my stomach and made rage cloud my mind.

That doesn't change that for some reason, I remind him about everything he hates about himself, or the world, or I'm just unlovable to him.

It doesn't change a thing.

Not how he has pushed me to the point where we both ended up screaming and throwing punches and for us to end up in a bloody mess on the floor, like our fists could suck the life from one another.

But he's still my brother.

So I find myself smiling, one that's half-grin, half-smirk like I know something they never could.

And I say, "Fly's talking about my older brother. He thinks he's king of the world. Giant prick. But he's a good guy, you might even like him if you give him a chance."

"No you won't!" Fly announces, pushing me so I stumble down the aisle. "The guy is totally charming, really nice to women and annoyingly smart."

Scarlett pats the dumbass's head affectionately, "You're not making a strong case for yourself Babe."

Flynn scowls, sinking in his seat, hand clenching around his phone, "I'm being serious though. Won't he get really mad at you?"

"I don't give a fuck, it's no different than normal."

"Yeah but this is like the first time in like, what, ten years that you won't wake up on Christmas either freshly beaten, or with a black eye." He snorts. "But then again, this is his first year staying home with Sawyer."

Rolling my eyes, I point down to the phone. "I already took it, Fly, either you mess with it or I drop it in the toilet. Which sounds more appealing to you?"

Silently, the idiot tucks Atlas's phone into his pocket, lips pursed.

Scarlett raises an eyebrow at me, sharing a worried glance with her father and uncle. "Is he serious about the Christmas thing? You know Fly can exaggerate sometimes."

"Well yeah?" I pause, having to realize that isn't normal at all. "It's just -he's kinda, I don't know how to explain this. Think Mistlefoe- -Christmas lights- -but all year round?"

"What's Mistlefoe?" A deep voice I know all too well asks behind me.

My head snaps over to Jasper with a glare. "Why are you out of your seat? You could hurt someone, or more importantly, yourself."

"I-I know but we're talking about you getting hurt," Jasper shrugs innocently, but his minty eyes flick to Flynn's. "Nothing you can do about it now."

"Do you not remember I can pick you up?" I snap, arms crossing. "Or are you just selectively choosing to forget that."

Jasper flushes, struggling to answer, so his dad does it for him.

"What the fuck is Mistlefoe?"

With an arm snapping out to Jasper's middle, tugging him close to me, I answer. "Hangs above your head, green, pretty sure it's a plant."

"Man, are you just mispronouncing mistletoe?" Lawrence asks, quizzically frowning at me -neither men seeming to notice their third best friend now grinning like a maniac hanging off the doorframe behind us.

It's then the miscommunication dawns on me.

"Oh. Oh! No, no that's not it. Instead of kissing, he just gets to punch me? It's like a freebie. No consequences, no limit. Usually he hovers around the arches just to bump into me. He's the only one that ever goes full no, no one else seems to enjoy beating someone else up. Besides maybe my dad." Papa does like being able to fight Uncle Jem without Mama scolding him. "But eh, I got used to it."

"Nine years, you were eleven when this started." The blond, Lawrence, quickly puts together but I hope he knows I'm not 20, but 19. "How much older is your brother than you?"

Six years.

Realizing a seventeen year old beating up an eleven year old with or without a disability sounds bad, I end up shrugging uncertainty.

"I don't pay attention to him." My lie is probably one they all catch. "Does it matter?"

Jasper's dad, who's staying oddly silent, nods, a glare set into his brown eyes.

"Yeech." Fly shudders, sinking in his seat.

I chuckle at this, if only to relieve tension as I point to Bar's face. "Dude, do you honestly think he's scary? Him? Grow up, his wife's more scary than he is, and that's saying something. The guy won't even touch you unless you hurt someone here. Given you're closest to Scar, you should even be looking out for the blond more."

"You grew up with guys who look scary and act mean!" Fly jabs me in the stomach. "Meaning you're used to this, I'm still scared of this. Plus you're used to getting hit, your pain tolerance is insane. So even if he did scare you, you wouldn't worry."

He, annoyingly, has a point.

"Why's your pain tolerance so high?" Scarlett asks me.

Her dad continues, "I second that. And what kind of guys did you grow up with?"

"I know you know how much fucking older he is." Bar growls out.

My head reels at this, the questions and the snappy voices and the concerned looks.

I'm literally fine.

Or I was before I started to feel overwhelmed.

"I don't know how- -Christmas lights- -to answer when you, when-" I growl. "-when you're all asking me questions." Tightening my arm, I'm not sure if it counts as hiding but I definitely make it so I can't see his family properly from how I press into Jasper's chest. "No personal questions."

Here I was, almost forgetting that I hate humans.

With one last glance at the hard yet un-intimidating look Bar sends me, I quietly lead me and Jasper back to our seats.

"Hey," I mumble, dropping my hands down to hold one of his. "Can we cuddle?"

Jasper grins, nodding. "Please."

"Oh wait," I pull away slightly. "My meds make me really-" My head tilts to the side, hair falling in my eyes. "-drowsy if I stop moving. I might fall asleep."

"You took them today?" He tilts his head, probably not knowing I had a reason to be anxious. I nod.

When I'm up some place high, my brain tells me to jump.

A plane is no different.

I can't actually jump out, which makes my intrusive thoughts worse.

Being happy with Jasper makes them better.

"I don't mind, come here," Offering his lap up to me, I don't hesitate to follow through and curl up in his lap. "Perfect."

"You make me seem so small," I complain, rubbing my cheek against his chest as the heaviness of my eyes seems to hit me like a truck. "Isn't that annoying to you? You have-" I squeak and then end up yawning. "You have to reach down all the damn time just for a kiss."

Jasper's chest shakes with a small laugh, "It's cute, not annoying."

Ugh, this cute motherfucker just called me cute.

Stupid boyfriend with his adorable hotness.

"Six years," I mumble, moving my hands out to clutch one of his arms to my chest. "He's like...six and a half years older than, than me."

Jasper tenses slightly before relaxing, arm coming around me to run along my back.

It'd be comforting if I was upset.

"That's a long time for a kid." The giant says, voice a soft hum.

"Kinda..." My murmurs are muffled by his shirt. "It just...hurts that he hates me. Ya' know. More than the...than the punches, I mean..."

His chest is a really good pillow.

And he's so warm.

It's nice.