My whole desire is to burn myself away.

Having a disability like Tourette's is hard.

A lot of people don't know the underlying conditions that come with it, they think it's people cursing without control or doing something vulgar. They don't see it as someone with tics that can be the smartest guy around. They don't know that ADHD, autistic tendencies and OCD and more affect people with Tourette's more than it doesn't.

In this regard, it's hard to connect with people.

The few times I've been asked, I used my glasses to describe it.

Because yeah, I have pretty shit eyesight and I need glasses.

Sometimes, I wear contacts so you can't tell I have bad eyesight and need glasses, but that doesn't mean I don't need them.

And still, some people don't even know glasses exist.

Most people don't believe I have bad eyesight, just because they've seen me when I'm wearing contacts instead of glasses. Others judge me for not being able to see correctly, or think I'm faking it so I get new glasses or more attention.

Sometimes people tell me how they wish they had my bad eyesight so they could get out of doing things, or wear the glasses.

But they don't know that sometimes, I can't work because I can't see. That without the glasses, I can't read a single page of my favorite book or see the face of someone I love. That my eyesight has nothing to do with my mood, or the way I feel, or my depression, that's it's all in my head like the glasses aren't a part of me too.

People like to tell me to try harder to see, or take vitamins so my eyesight gets better or maybe do yoga so I don't need the glasses anymore.

Having a twin, one who shares all my features, a lot of my habits, everything in life except my disability is a different kind of hard.

Because then I have to tell her how it feels, how self-aware I have to be about my mental state and the lack of control over my body.

Circe has never been able to fully understand what I mean.

That doesn't mean she doesn't try -my twin's a great listener.

Right now, for instance, is the first day of winter break and she's letting me rant to her.

She picked me up from my dorm and when we got home, after telling my parents more about Jasper and playing snow hockey with Triton, we're at the bottom of my cliff with her glaring at me from a rock she kicked the snow off of as I skate around.

I love ice skating and that paired with my recklessness led me to knowing how to do three kinds of flips on ice and dominate a hockey game.

"I don't know," I huff out, voice half muffled from my scarf -my entire family, save for my mom and Eris absolutely hate the cold. "He's like...perfect?"

"I could tell," Cece throws her hands up. "How is that a fucking problem?"

"Because I'm-" I growl. "-far from it, and a part of me feels guilty- -in Eden- -for some reason, like, he shouldn't be stuck with me. But I love him, so there's no way in fuck I'm giving him up."

She stays silent, letting me continue even as I skate faster before doing a few spins.

"I'm scared one day he'll wake up and realize I'm not the kind of guy he wants."

Cece doesn't respond for a moment before saying, "What if he's scared of you doing that too?"

It's then I'm reminded of Keres' name, which makes me scowl. "I think he's more- -Christmas lights- -scared of other things. And moving on, since I can't control the future, he's my first boyfriend. Does he not think that's weird?"

"Me and Noelle are each other's first girlfriend." She says.

I scoff, "You guys are high school sweethearts, Cece, you've been in love since we were ten. You two are each other's first everything. I can't give him that."

Even if, in some regards, he could give me that.

"Does that actually matter what firsts you guys can have together? If I was you, I'd focus more on who's going to be your last." Circe pauses. "Shit, I sounded really smart just then."

I sigh, "You ruined it."

When I got to my house and after my mom did some digging she found out that my parents actually knows Jasper's parents, Bar and Clementine, and was friends with them when they were teenagers.

She told me the universe missed out on them having a lifetime together, so me and Jasper must be it's way of making up for that.

Me and Jasper make sense together -I don't have to think hard about any of it, not even why I want to be with him.

Everything in the world is designed by people who don't want you to succeed so they can, life is hard and every day is made to make you question why you're alive, why you should be and what good you're actually doing.

With Jasper I don't have to think about that because it doesn't matter who doesn't want me to succeed, how hard life is or why I'm alive.

All that matters is that we will succeed together.

We will get through life together.

And, most importantly, we'll feel alive when we do it too.

I'm not good with words -not at all. Actions work better for me, which is kind of ironic for a guy with Tourette's, and with Jasper, that's what I have to pay attention to the most. He doesn't have to ask me many questions either.

With his synesthesia, he can just tell. It's nice, in a way. My emotions aren't something I'm good at expressing, they're something I've always kept close to my chest and the more I've grown up, the more that's been true.

I love him, it's not something that needs to be discussed and I can tell that everyone around us knows too.

The oblivious dork probably can't tell though, but that's okay with me.

There's no rush.

"He's your world?" My twin asks.

"He's everything." I answer.

She doesn't need to know more than that.

Yet I can't help but talk more about him.

"Physically, he's seems like a really intimidating guy for a lot of people, but you know-"

Snapping, Cece interrupts, "We're used to that."

Nodding, I start skating a little more gently. "Jitterbug's one of the kindest people I've ever met. He's as sweet as Mama is, but he cusses less than her. And he calls me, he calls me by my name and I have no clue why I like it -it's just my name."

Spinning on one foot, still careful of my other ankle, I go around the rock and catch Cece's smile.

"The big guy is actually pretty jumpy, he gets startled a lot." I grin at this. "And when he wants a kiss but he's tired, he'll make these- -bit hot innit- -adorable grabby hands at me. You'd never know he was as strong as he is, it's so fucking cute that it's actually annoying."

She snorts, "You're just like Papa, that's annoying."

"Whatever." I grumble, hitting a slight bump on my skates making me slide to the side, sending snow flying into my face.

Then, of all things, I fall on my side and slide into a fucking pile of snow.

"Ugh! Fuck this. I hate the fucking cold!"

"Get that puppy of yours to warm you up," Circe snickers. "Maybe then he'll melt your ice cold heart too."

Picking myself up, I skate over to her and take my phone out from her purse, all while she glares at me, and unlock it -it already open from when I had texted Jasper that I might not reply for a while.

Sometimes he sends me pictures of things, random things, for no reason and half the time, I just respond to them with a video of me saying something ridiculous about it or a confused, constipated look.

But this time, I take a selfie, and send him a quick text.

fuck you

What did I do?

With this, he sent an annoyingly adorable picture of his head tilted to the side, him clearly confused.

But he's sitting outside in a t-shirt. When it's snowing. Without a single goosebumps in sight.

What bullshit.

you're warm

I'm still confused :(

i'm cold

and you're warm

do the math

I'm bad at math :/

you're not here to warm me up

and I fell in snow

More like, I skated myself into a pile of snow after kicking the stuff in my face, but he doesn't have to know those details.

Is that not supposed to be funny?

I scoff, smirking as I sit on the rock opposite of Cece, ankles crossed and back straight.

it's like you're begging to be dominated the next time i see you Jasper

Sir

I mean

Well

Yes please???

I know some ways to warm you up.

Did this cute motherfucker just insinuate what I think he did?

There's no way that I'm not going to give this any follow through the next time we're alone together.

He actually is asking for it.

is this permission to kiss you breathless against a wall

or just teasing

It took a while to convince me but now I know that I deserve to kiss my gorgeous boyfriend until we're both breathless.

Love doesn't care what the world thinks is fair.

Yet to be determined

But probably permission ;)

fair enough

but i'll be ready for it either way

Can I get another picture of you?

Sometimes when flirting, when we're doing it over text or the phone anyway, he'll get too flustered and doesn't like it when I'm not in sight so he changes the topic but I'd bet my life he's bright red right now.

Given I am too, but that's more because of how fucking cold I am right now but Jasper making me blush just makes me feel warmer, so I don't fight it.

"Cece." I deadpan, watching as she pauses her own selfie process to give me the same look back.

She replies in the same tone too, "Cassie."

"I think we're doing the same thing."

"Flirting and selfies with adorable mongrels who see sound?"

"Yep."

"Yep."

"Cool."

And I go back to doing that, doing what Jasper asked, even if I'm not a fan of selfies, only to be smacked in the face with a snowball.

"Loser!"

That's the picture- -you know, the one of me being punched by frozen water- -I send to my boyfriend, followed quickly by one of Circe trying to run away from me on the ice without having any skates.

Oh no!

Are you okay Castor?

she's in danger

That doesn't answer the question >:(

Is she falling on the ice a lot?

nah i'm gonna kill her

Pocketing my phone, I drop down like I'm about to tackle someone and skate over to her, able to grab her around the middle as she screams at me and drop her in the same pile of snow.

"Who's the loser now?" I ask, not expecting it when she grabs my ankle and tugs, making me slip on ice and send my phone, that I was going to take a picture of my twin defeated with, right into my nose.

Why is it always my fucking nose?

Circe cackles as I fall on my ass. "Still you!"

My possibly-sprained-ankle more sore now but I'm more worried about the blood now staining the ice. "Cece," I snap, throwing my phone- -that's in a waterproof case- -at her. "You broke my face."

"Buddy, there's nothing I could do to break that more than it already is." Finally standing up, she notices the blood and makes a sheepish face. "Let's act like none of that happened and I'm still your favorite sister. Is it broken?"

Shaking my head, I glare at her, only for that little fuckshit to take a picture of me and clearly start to type.

"You- -cold, cold, cold- -fucker!" I scramble to stand, it being hard on skates when there's blood on me.

She doesn't fight me too much when I get it back, just enough to actually send the picture and text.

He was defeated.

-CC

"What kind of sick power move is this?" I ask, kicking snow in her direction. "You don't pass my vibe check."

Not trying to verbally fight, but still annoy me, Circe just squeaks in my direction, making me squeak back.

And she does this again.

Then again.

Even as I use the snow to clean the blood off me, which is something I learned after my eight grade Hockey season took a turn in an ice covered Walmart parking lot, she's making me squeak.

At that point I gave up and decided to check the texts Jasper instantly set back -only for his contact photo- -that's him with the dog Snapchat filter pouting that Vivianna sent me- -to light up the screen as he calls me.

"Castor?" Jasper's voice, deeper with concern, comes through the phone as soon as I answer. "Are you okay? What happened? Why are you bleeding? Did Circe break your nose for trying to murder her?"

"Jitterbug-" I squeak. "-what are you talking about?" It was barely any blood. "I promise I'm fine."

But glancing at my twin who has a cocky smile on her face and is sending victorious pictures to her girlfriend, I know she won't be.

I get revenge.

And I serve it cold.

Which is not me saying I'll make her bleed, but I definitely will infuriate her.

"Liar," He says. "Circe sent me a photo, saying you were defeated, and your face looks like how it did when we first met. All bloody but you were also glaring instead of passed out. So you are very much not fine, not if you're hurt."

I'm so cold that I'm numb, especially my nose, so I'm definitely not in pain but I imagine that I will be later.

Shaking my head at his worry I just say, "Jasper."

He huffs, "Castor."

"It's just a bloody nose, I'm really okay." This isn't even a lie. "I just want to kill Circe much more than before now for making you worry. Are you still outside?"

"Um..." He pauses, and a metal clink sounds out before he groans. "Why am I like this?"

Did he break something?

Shit, now I'm worried.

"What happened?"

"Nothing," My boyfriend sighs. "I just -never mind. Are you okay?"

"Not the first time I got a bloody nose, I'll live."

"As far as you know," Him grumbling this just makes me grin, imagining the kind of shit luck someone must have to die from a bloody nose. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. A bloody nose won't kill you, you're right. I was just, I was being s-sour and I don't even know why I was being sour."

"That's your version of sour?" I snicker. "Cute."

"My sourness is an extension of meanness which isn't cute. I actually can be mean, sometimes y'know." Actually, I don't know. "Like, a real meanie-pants. Zero percent nice. Zilch. You might not believe me, Castor, but it's the truth."

"Pfft, of course it's true." I say, sarcasm lacing every word. "I'm trembling just at the thought."

Jasper whines, and I can imagine him pouting as he says, "Castor! You're teasing me, aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm actually terrified." I falsely inform. "That's why I'm dating you, because I'm just so attracted to your meanness."

"Oh, I'm sure that's why." The musician pauses before sputtering, "What the fuck?"

Waiting for an explanation doesn't go as planned, because I hear the sound of porcelain shattering on the ground and a muffled yelp.

"Jasper," My anxiety spikes -remembering the last time something went wrong when he got cut by something. "Are you okay? Jasper?"

"Star," He answers, sounding a bit strained. "I'm okay -wait, Mal! Don't do that! Blaine!"

Wait but who are those people- -I think Blaine is what he calls Nyx but I'm not sure about that- -and what the fuck happened?

The only thing I can hear is muffled voices and the sound of crunching glass.

Is he walking on what got broke?

Was that last sound a cat -seriously what the fuck is happening.

Circe whistles, eyebrows raised. "Is he good?"

All I can do is shrug, waiting until I hear him again and the sounds get less muffled before he says "Castor! I'm sorry, the cat was being a butt," So it was a cat. "My foot got stabbed, I usually don't swear that much, also how's your nose? Are you still bleeding?"

"What do you mean your foot got stabbed?"

He says that and then asks if I'm the one bleeding -what the hell?

"A plate broke," Jasper explains. "Malchance was going to jump onto the floor next to all the broken pieces and I grabbed her before he could, but when I moved a bigger piece stabbed me. That's why I wasn't answering. Stupid spoon."

"Spoon?" I ask, walking over to Circe's car.

What the fuck does a spoon have to do with all this.

Fuck, I'm so confused.

"Yeah! I was talking with you, and I was nervous, and somehow I ended up fiddling with a spoon? Like, it happened twice."

Not the weirdest thing I've seen someone do randomly when they're on a phone call.

Locking the doors when my twin tries to get in, I point to the stuff still by the rocks.

Little shit.

"I don't even know where they came from because I never opened a drawer and those are not the kind my sister owned. Magic spoons. Oh, what if they actually were magic and could teleport and stuff? Could it teleport me too? That would be cool."

I bet it was just a D'Silvetta dicking around and trying to set up confusion.

"Jitterbug, focus," I say, not caring about magic spoons when he got stabbed. "Did you bandage your foot?"

"Um, nopity. But I will!" Sure he will, the dork rarely takes care of himself when I'm not there. "Are you still outside?"

"Go take care of your foot, you dork. And no, I'm in the car right now." Smirking, I lock eyes with a scowling Cece, both of us flipping each other off. "Circe is grabbing the rest of our things as a punishment for breaking my face."

"Is your nose actually broken Star?"

"Nah, I'm fine, just a bloody nose."

I'm thinking about self tanning lotion in her body wash, or maybe getting Noelle to move everything in her space in the apartment an inch to the left, so she keeps bumping into everything.

Maybe I'll just let Noelle take Noodles to the apartment for the weekend, let her scare Circe in bed.

With a sigh, Jasper scolds me. "This is why you don't try to murder people."

"Meh."

He huffs at me, making my smirk grow.

"What time are you going to be home today?" I ask, holding the phone to my ear as I lean over to open the trunk -keeping the doors locked still. "I'm going to be back by seven- -seven, seven, seven- -I think. Send me pictures of the ferocious dragon? And yourself."

The musician hums a yes before saying, "Around the same time, probably, unless I annoy Nyx too much and she kicks me out."

I can't really hear what his older sister says but whatever it is makes Jasper shout "Whatever, fuck nugget!" in reply before acting like nothing happened. "There's this cafe around here that has the best strawberry milkshakes you will probably ever taste. So I'm going to bribe them for their recipe and bring back one for you to try."