CHAPTER NINETEEN: STARDUST

The world is always greater than your desires; plenty is never enough.

-Aleksandar Hemon

While waiting to dry off so I don't have to mess up my hair until the Tourette's does it for me- -something I normally do while Jasper picks up Vivianna in the morning- -I usually just do this or gather things in my room, usually shirtless, usually when I don't have anything to give a fuck about until Jasper comes back.

Today is different.

Because since I got out of the shower, Jasper followed me around the dorm as I did the random, small and pretty much useless things my brain screams at me to do.

At the moment, I'm tying my short strings tighter, since they keep sagging down and Jasper gets distracted enough by it to continually poke the top of the strawberry, which, in turn, distracts me.

This was after I put on a tank top too.

"Okay," He says, eyes still on me. "Cuddle time, sir."

"Might not want to call me that." I grunt, watching as he laughs quite cutely and opens his arms for me -him laying on his bed, head turned to me with a pout.

Too fucking cute.

Not wasting time, having already gotten permission, I climb onto the bed and into his arms. I want to be as comfortable as possible, so I choose to sit on his lap instead of cuddle his side.

Besides, most times when we cuddle the giant puppy ends up pulling me onto him anyway, I'm just cutting to the chase.

Crossing my arms as Jasper grabs my hips, shifting under me until his head is raised more comfortably under the pillow to talk to me. It's way too tempting to touch him when we're like this.

But this is cuddle time.

And though I've never really cuddled with someone else, I actually enjoy it.

Then the musician is glancing above my head in the same moment I let out a quiet growl, ticing. Which, of course, just gets me thinking about what he must see through every one of my verbal tics.

"What's my growl look like?" I ask.

Without me doing anything else, he flushes. "Do it for me and I'll tell you."

Does it look that weird?

Narrowing my eyes at him- -the effect my glare once had is completely gone, which is only half disappointing- -I try to read him enough to know if it's weird enough that he can't describe it or he likes seeing it, but he just keeps smiling, dimples showing off.

Then, I growl how Noelle likes me to -deep in a way that she says makes the sound 'wide'.

It must be weird when it's right in your face because Jasper's lips part and he looks frozen as his eyes flick around.

"So?" I ask, thinking how a kiss would be nice right now. "What does it- -bit hot innit!- -look like?"

"Stardust."

I can only blink at him as his smile widens impossibly so, seeming really happy with that.

Stardust? I don't -I don't know how that looks.

Should I train myself not to growl anymore? I've done years of behavior therapy, which is why my tics are so manageable unless I get worked up. It used to be really hard for me to manage but now, if I ever manage to develop a bad tic, I know how to train myself to get rid of it.

Which is a lot easier for verbal tics.

My squeak annoys me and my growls make Noelle smile.

"This green that I've never seen anywhere else, too. It's ethereal." Jasper continues to explain, thumbs running gently from my hips to my bare side. "There's rose leaves and mint and sunflowers along the edges. But the sunflowers are just because you like me, t-they're not usually in your growls."

That's all green, save for the sunflowers and since I'm not sure what sounds half of what he said creates, I stick with what's easier and ask "Rose leaves?" because unlike everything else, I know what that looks like for sure.

"Your squeaks. But also when you're relaxed, content."

He doesn't like when I'm angry, but of course he likes when I'm relaxed.

Does that just have to do with someone being angry or the color...

"What about my anger?"

"It's like moss," While he's talking, he doesn't look bothered and even pulls me closer. "But it's never without pine or basil, and it's not loud or wiggly."

"Pine and basil?" Are those not the same color? "Wiggly?"

"Pine is when I noticed you're feeling protective and basil is your fear. I... I don't like when your song goes that color." So that doesn't bother him, but me telling myself to fuck off does? "And with wiggly, like...hmm, how do I explain this?" Jasper pauses, tongue coming out to fidget with a snake bite. "Like, your song reaches out and likes to cover other's, and it likes to move with mine. They dance, it's odd but it's really cool to see sometimes, mine is such a dark color that I just learned to ignore it."

Until this moment, I hadn't made the connection that he has a song for himself too, meaning he can never not hear that one.

"But other than that, yours is usually just a calm thing or wiggles slightly when you're happy. Not like Dela's or Flynn's whose are constantly bouncing, like non-stop movement."

I'm only half aware of my eyes getting stuck on his lips. "What colors are theirs?"

Who are we even talking about again?

At the moment, I can't process anything that's not him.

"Fly's is silver, like Christmas tinsel and the bottom of cooking pans. Viv's is all purples, but sometimes she has blueberries."

"This is going to sound stupid but when you say blueberries-" I squeak. "-and rose leaves or sunflowers, do you actually see them or?"

"Well, no, and that's not a stupid question." Jasper shakes his head. "Emotions and sounds and all that, they have colors and shapes. Most times with people I know, I just remember them as flowers or different items that are the same color to know what emotion they go to. But Fly's? His goes in circles and when you guys are next to each other it looks like literal Christmas tinsel wrapping around a tree-- since you're always green."

I'm always green.

"Do you like green?"

That would be bad if he didn't.

Jasper instantly flushes as he blinks, seeming to be a bit surprised but he still manages to smile. "Of course! Green is safe and my favorite. Always has been. Nothing that's green has ever hurt me, it's always a good thing. So are you-- g-good I mean, not a thing."

"I never want to hurt you," I tell him, thumb gently gripping his jaw. "And I know you didn't mean I'm a thing, though if it was you who was objectifying me, I wouldn't mind."

His hand leaves my hip momentarily to poke my nose, making me blink at him as he says, "Sir, are you flirting with me."

I roll my eyes at both the question and the name, "Are you really not able to tell?"

"Nope," Jasper's hands tighten and he shifts under me again. "But your grumpiness when I ask is amusing."

Due to him saying this, I grip his jaw and squeeze his cheeks again, which makes him smile.

"See?" He says. "Amusing."

Little does he know how adorably dorky he looks when I do this.

"You're a goof."

"If I'm a goof," Jasper retaliates. "Then you're a God."

Huffing, I cross my arms again. "How do either of those things connect?"

"Because, sometimes, goofs like me like beings like you, and I know you're a star and a celestial, so God is just the next step logically. Now I have someone to worship, and you have someone to bless."

Bless?

That doesn't sound like a half-bad idea.

But this is the musician, and his thoughts aren't exactly parallel to my own.

"Bless with what?"

"Kisses and cuddles." Called that. "And pretty noises. And in return, you get a bunch of strawberry stuff."

Right, because it's not like I get the exact same amount of kisses, cuddles, his songs.

Tapping on his chest, I say, "I don't think the pretty noises count, Jasper. They're not exactly on purpose."

"Talking counts, your voice is beautiful." Stupid giant making me flush. It's not the sound, but the image. Personally, I know the actual sound of my voice carries a lot because of how deep it is and that freaks a lot of people out. "And you do make noises towards me that are on purpose too, not just your tics. You growled for me earlier, too."

Why does synesthesia and growls mix so well?

And looks like stardust?

No wonder he stares at me so much, all those colors are in the way.

"I growled as part of a deal," I remind him. "Do the noises I make actually look good, jitterbug?"

"Yep," The giant answers convincingly fast. "I wish I could explain it better but I don't know how. You're just all around green, and green is very nice. And your song sounds really good too, it calms me down a lot."

It calms him down?

Part of me thought it might be some really weird techno shit even the twisted thoughts in my head, but hey if it's a slow song and it helps, I think that's pretty cool.

"Can you always hear it?"

"When you're close enough," How close is close enough? "It's never silent to me."

"Would..." I pause, half wondering if this is weird or maybe insensitive since he has to constantly hear it anyway. "Would you play it for me? My song, I mean?"

Jasper nods, flushing as he wraps one arm around my hips while grabbing his phone. "No judging me, sir."

I nearly scoff because I don't judge him, I judge how well he could fit between my thighs.

"I had an um, a p-project for my Music Foundation in Psychology class and we had to do what the five basic emotions sound like to us. For happiness, or joy, I did your song?" I'm his happy song? "So, um... I have a recording of it on m-my phone?"

God, I love him.

Man, the day he figures out how out of his league I am, I'm screwed.

I've definitely noticed Jasper asking for kisses more often and more comfortably, once he fully understood how little I would pressure him, and how I usually wait for him to kiss me instead of asking for one.

Being with him is comfortable.

But it's also kinda scary because the stage that we're in right now is a place I've rarely gotten with other people.

I've always just been someone's fuck buddy, a casual fling that didn't last more than a month or a crush that ended as soon as they got sick of me.

Never before have I fit in someone's life so easily.

What I'm scared of now is losing him.

"You're a dork, Jasper, but you make me happy too. Let me hear myself..." Pausing, I wrinkle my nose at him. "That sounds weird."

Jasper chuckles at this, angling his phone to me as the song- -my song- -starts.

It's a soft sound at first, a guitar getting it's strings plucked rhythmically but gets deeper as it goes on, piano and violin getting added in until it was a strong, but still oddly gentle, kind of music that moved smoothly through different sections.

This is what I sound like?

The song he made is...it's incredibly amazing to hear. It's distracting and calm and it reminds me of when I'm looking down at the perfectly neat dorm or staring at Jasper.

How can -how am I the one that sounds like that?

He didn't add anything to it?

Fuck.

The one part of myself that I like without trying and I can't ever really experience it.

"Is that really how you hear me?" I hear myself ask, body leaning into him.

"Yours sounds better than that," Jasper says this like he believes it but I'm not sure I do. "I got close, though."

If I sound like that, Jasper's song must be twice as beautiful.

At the thought I poke his phone, "What about your song?"

The musician blinks at me, looking more than surprised, though I'm not sure why. "My song? I, I think I have it saved in here? I'm not sure, I guess I just didn't think it was worth recording."

Is it ridiculous to say that broke my heart just a little?

Handing me his phone, a song titled 'Black Lotus' is pulled up, reminding me of his hair and some of the designs on his shoulder blade.

He tells me I can play it, only if I want and I don't understand how he thinks I might not want to.

The song was...it was more upbeat than mine, a smooth guitar rhythm one of the first things I notice as the bumpy notes start to come out from the phone but then I notice in the background of it all, there's a soft, slower melody from a violin.

His song just reminds me how some people laugh when they cry.

It's haunting and sad but so filled with life and excitement.

"You're beautiful too," I tell him, gently kissing his forehead as he keeps his eyes on me, having been waiting for a reaction. "I just wish your song didn't sound so sad."

"It's not too sad anymore."

Let's hope that's true.

Jasper tugs me down to his level, so instead of straddling him sitting up, one of his legs slips between mine and we lay together on our sides. "Kiss?" He asks this, but doesn't move his face from where his cheek is buried in the crook of my neck.

Sighing, I'm half tempted to spitefully kiss his shoulder, just to be a little shit about it, but decide not to. "You gotta let me reach your face if you want a kiss, Love."

The musician lets out a short breath against my neck before pulling away, "Right."

Moving back, I come face to him, eyes dropping down to his snake bites. They always catch my attention, I always say their name in my mind, and it always makes me bite the inside of my cheek or my own tongue.

Meaning I definitely can and will bite Jasper too.

"I might bite you." I warn, knowing that might change something or make him not want to kiss me.

I'm pretty sure the last time that happened, I actually got hit because the guy I was with got surprised. It was funny to me, instead of painful.

Some people just don't understand that when I tell them about a tic, I have no control when or where it happens.

The giant just smiles and says, "That's okay."

That's all.

No "Try to control it." or "Can't you stop it?" or "Just let me kiss you without it." or anything like that.

He just threads his fingers through my hair and angles my head down to him, kissing me without hesitation.

The kiss doesn't start soft like I'm used to when it comes to Jasper, he kisses me hard and presses closer to me than I expected.

Warmth shoots down my spine, his lips makes my mind turn to static as the musician parts his lips with a soft gasp and runs his tongue across my bottom lip -asking for entrance.

Choosing to deepen the kiss, I open my own lips and move my head to get better control, fingers digging into his back.

Jasper pauses for a moment, new to this whole thing, but as I curl my tongue around his, him tasting of oranges and mint, he groans into my mouth and presses harder into me.

Moving my tongue along his to twist his piercing makes him shudder against me, quickly getting used to the kiss and opening his mouth for me to explore further.

The musician gasps against me, still not used to breathing during times like this but at the moment, my body is too hot and my mind isn't paying attention to anything that isn't his mouth on mine and his hands gripping my body to care about a silly thing like oxygen.

My shoulders tense as my jaw opens wider, I pull away from him best I can but still end up biting down onto his lower lip, tugging on it enough to know it must have stung a bit.

Dropping his mouth from mine, I take a sharp breath in, about to apologize when Jasper just clenches his hand in my hair and presses his mouth back against mine.

I sigh against him, relaxing into the soft, slower kiss.

But it seems the second I get comfortable, the second I'm able to fully take in the way he tastes of mint again, my arm moves out and jerks me to the side, making my forehead snap into Jasper's.

Fuck.

Rushing to sit up, I start apologizing -cupping his face in my hands and pressing soft kisses to the bright red mark on his forehead.

The absolute and complete dork just laughs lightly, pulling me back down to lay next to him.

"It's okay, Star," Jasper kisses the base of my throat, making a new wave of heat go through my system at the affection and the new nickname.

I know I'm named after a star but nobody's taken that into account. Then again, I am talking to the same man who tries to tell me I'm a god, so in reality, I shouldn't be surprised.

He pecks me again, murmuring against my skin, "You don't have to apologize."

"We were making out and I headbutted you." I can deadpan with a scowl.

Which would be more funny than frustrating if I hadn't hurt him.

Jasper hums in reply, moving up to put his head on my shoulder, curls tickling the side of my jaw. "I was there."

"Smartass."

"Yeah, yeah." Jasper sounds a bit strained but I pointedly ignore it, knowing how new all of this is for him, besides it was fun. "It's just that you can't help it, which you obviously already know. I get that it frustrates you, Castor, but I really don't mind it. It doesn't annoy or bother me. It's a part of you, and I like you. All of you. Simple as that."

Thankful, I give him another small kiss, smirking as I say, "I bet I can make you like me even more."

And just like that, I put my hand up to his jaw and he lets me kiss him until he's red and panting out every breath, pressing closer to me every chance he gets.