Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.

The worst part about having something inside you so self destructive like depression or anxiety is that it's so intimate, it's personal. Your own mind is working to pick you apart by everything you once found exciting or love.

You become so close with your own tragedies no matter how small that leaving them behind feels like you're killing a part of yourself you need to survive.

But the thing is you don't need it.

Mental illness just tricks you into thinking that it's normal, because it's always been there but normal doesn't mean okay.

For a while, I couldn't see past the Tourette's and I didn't realize anything else was wrong with me.

But clearly, that's not true.

I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, I have ADHD that I have to take medicine for, insomnia that keeps me up at night and OCD tendencies that are bad enough to trigger fits but not bad enough to definitively say I have OCD.

And it's all a part of Tourette's -something most of my problems seem to be linked to.

Slowly, things fit into a schedule.

My day would start at five, I'd go on a run until six thirty and then I'd take a shower. When I got out me and Jasper would get coffee together and he'd walk me to my eight am hell class that is Business Management before going to his because apparently, he shares his first one with a friend.

I'm not sure if that means he doesn't want me to meet his friends or not.

We don't see much of each other during the day but occasionally during his lunch break, he'll text me to see if I want anything.

But because my nine and eleven am classes both deal with me making food- -them being Baking and Pastry Arts and Culinary Arts- -I always say no.

The last class of my day is my Art Therapy Practicum that I minor in, it only lasts an hour and goes until two thirty but my football practice starts at four and ends at seven thirty at night. Jasper's last class ends at five thirty.

So I get home last.

If home is what I should call it, anyway.

I get nervous about so much, it's ridiculous. I'm afraid to hold coffee, take a shower without asking first, throw away my egg shells, use the oven, have a conversation and tic in public.

None of these things I should be afraid of, I know how to function perfectly in the real world and I know my tics can't be helped.

But that doesn't stop me from being anxious.

That doesn't stop people from staring.

It took me a while to figure out that my roommate doesn't quite like being out in public either.

Jasper is popular, anyone could tell that, he knows people's names- -he knows more people's names than I have met in my life, which is strange- -and he's nice to everyone. He's cute and tall and he's smart, he can play many instruments and is in great shape.

He's everyone's dream friend.

And boyfriend.

But he is still really awkward and shy, something that is adorable all on it's own, and never has very serious conversations with people or goes to parties.

The musician is a people person but it's like he's waiting for a person that's not there to come up to him and be his perfect friend.

I really wish I could be that person for him, he deserves a person like that.

Many things prevent me from doing that and my anxiety is at the top of the list.

Still every day I get up and go on that run. I take my shower.

And then I get coffee with him and we sit outside under a tree that's on the stretch of land between the two buildings we have to go in, Jasper plays the guitar and I listen.

I listen and relax.

Today was no day, today is just like yesterday and will be just like tomorrow but that doesn't mean that today doesn't feel good.

That would be a lie.

The schedule we have is a good one, it helps keep order in my life and I've gotten used to living in a dorm and attending college classes a lot sooner than I would.

Jasper's to blame for that.

And it's infuriating because now, if he changes the schedule or doesn't want to be around me every morning or doesn't feel like playing the guitar, it would make my day feel weird.

It would mess me up.

I'd become chaos.

Yet he stays consistent, he doesn't change or try to change me.

Besides the occasional question if anything he's doing is setting off my tics, to which I always say no, Jasper doesn't make a big deal out of my disability.

One of the worst things about having Tourette's is how exhausting it is. I'm always moving and worrying about how I'm moving. It makes me tired just like it would make everyone else tired to just move, move, move.

Somehow, this is something the musician understands well.

When I get home from practice he already has dinner made and my plate set out on the living room table.

Lately, we've been watching movies at night.

Tonight '5 Feet Apart' is already up on the screen and though I doubt my roommate picked this with himself crying in mind but I know that at the end, I'm always bawling.

Let's just hope he's prepared for that, because I might not be.

"Cas?" Jasper turns to me, minty eyes looking my frame over before meeting my eye -most of his reactions hidden by the half-lit room. "Is there anything I can do to make living with me easier?"

I tense, head jerking as I squeak.

As I said, exhausting.

"No." Shrugging I turn back to my food. "Living with you is easy."

He accepts this answer as the truth and sits down on the other end of the couch, given this is the one that is facing the TV, and takes his own plate in his hands.

Because I'm so relaxed, I make it to the pool scene before I have another tic.

This time, it's as I'm trying to eat so I send a spoonful of mashed potatoes flying to my right.

Or more specifically, onto Jasper.

"Fuck-" Instantly nervous, my body jerks as I grab a napkin from the table, growling quite a few times as I try pathetically to help him clean. But due to another tic, I just make it worse. "I didn't mean to! I'm- -mother ducklings!- -sorry."

Jasper nods, taking the napkin from me and putting his finished plate onto the table.

"It's okay," His voice comes out muffled due to him tugging his shirt over his head, making me more than grateful for the fact that I can't see his very attractive form in its entirety at the moment. "I know you didn't mean to."

I know I didn't mean to, I want to tell him. That's the problem.

Holding my arms to my sides, as if that would change anything, I don't look up from my lap for a good few minutes.

It's enough time for Jasper to come back to the room with his pajamas on, not acting bothered by me literally throwing food on him or cursing in ducks.

Living with me -that must be what's hard.

"I am, I'm like-" I growl, jerking again. "I'm here, all the way, mentally," My explanation gets cut off as I flinch harshly. My Tourette's doesn't want me to say this, apparently. "Mentally, I'm here and I'm not dumb. I don't-" Fuck me, because I squeak again. "-miss anything. Physically I'm, my tics are...I can't stop them."

It always felt as though I was running to make it onto a bus but could never catch up before the doors closed.

Jasper looks at me for a few moments, just observing, before he says. "I never thought you weren't here. I think you're a pretty fucking smart guy."

"Why are you-" I growl. "-so nice to me?"

Maybe I should be used to people being nice because for the most part they are, but they're the kind of nice that shows they think I'm fragile or have to be protected. The type of people who don't think that are usually the ones who call me a freak or mock my tics.

The musician doesn't think I'm fragile.

He doesn't treat me like it either.

So where are all the comments and the mocking, the "Spaz" and "Twitch" nicknames and the confused, conflicted looks when I make jokes about myself.

He laughs at my jokes because they're funny and I think Jasper knows I do it to make myself feel better, but mostly probably, because if I laugh, he can't stop himself from laughing.

It's so confusing now, to be almost twenty and not treated like a kid who needs to be sheltered or a freak.

"Um, did you do something I shouldn't be nice to you over?" Jasper asks this sounding genuinely confused, like he couldn't think of a reason someone wouldn't be nice to me.

"Yeah," I nod and motion towards his new outfit, more relaxed by him being so relaxed over it. "I threw food on you."

Shrugging he merely points out "You didn't mean to." as if to say that means it doesn't matter what I did.

"I still did it," I say, eye twitching in a wink. "That's awkward."

Opening his mouth to say something but catching himself last minute, Jasper shakes his head at himself before giving me that charming look.

"You're making it awkward by thinking it's hella awkward, it's not actually awkward at all."

"Fuck. Isn't that worse?"

He laughs, minty eyes locking onto my own. "If you think it is, sure."

Shaking my head, I push my plate further away from me on the table, now having completely lost my appetite but strangely, feeling better.

"This movie makes me cry," I admit.

Jasper grins, "Me too."

"I think I've watched it at least fifteen times but I always react the same way," At the moment, I don't think I'm even aware of how much I'm talking. "I never thought a straight love story would ever get me so-" I squeak. "-emotional, so fuck me, am I right."

"Fuck you?" Jasper laughs, minty eyes looking over my frame in a very...playful way. "If you insist."

Flushing, my head jerks as I let out a few squeaks, grateful I put down my plate right about now. "That's not what-" I squeak again. "What I- -bit hot innit!- -meant."

He just shrugs, "Makes no difference to me. Just know, my offer still stands."

It might be possible that living with me isn't all that bad for him.

Maybe it's just bad for me.

I know I was attracted to him the first time I saw him and I'm not quite saying it was anything like love at first sight, not at all.

What I'm saying is that I saw him and I felt like I already knew him. I didn't process him as a stranger, I processed him as a familiar friend I was with in a strange situation.

And in this moment it only confirms that this, the familiarity, it's mutual.