As stirring as Gracie's kind words sounded to my ears, they also felt like a slap in the face. The way Gracie saw me was the way I wanted to see myself, but I knew the truth. I knew I wasn't okay. I might never be okay.

I was still deeply shaken from my "bad dream" just now. Bloodshed and violence seemed ingrained in my subconscious, stalking me like a deadly shadow. I no longer knew how to relax. I always felt the need to stay hypervigilant, to watch my six, even while I slept. The things I had done in the past already corrupted my soul. That shit would never let me go. I was trapped in a hell I had created for myself.

If I was really as good of a man as Gracie believed me to be, then I wouldn't have fucked up in every area of my life.

As a son, I nearly killed my own dad in a fit of rage.

As a Marine, I wasn't able to keep Matty safe, to bring him home to Aisha alive.

As a man, I broke Gracie's heart because I thought Craig would be able to give her a better life. Then, I went ahead and fucked Lydia because I couldn't have Gracie.

I destroyed everything I touched. I didn't deserve forgiveness. I didn't know how I could ever be redeemed in my own eyes or even in God's eyes. I felt as though the only thing I had yet to fuck up was being a father to Stevie. I hoped, I prayed, that this would be the one thing I got right in life. My baby girl deserved a good father, and I wanted to become one for her.

"Gray?"

Gracie's voice drew me from the darkness.

I glanced over, taking in her gentle eyes and lovely face. I suddenly felt the need to tell Gracie my ugly truths. To correct her misconceptions. To remind her what a piece of shit I really was.

"I dunno, Gracie," I rasped hoarsely, "I'm pretty fucked up, and there doesn't seem to be much I can do to fix anything—"

Like Lydia, my dad was dead.

So was Matty.

Gracie couldn't go back and repair her relationship with her sister. Just like I couldn't change my abusive dad or bring Matty back or unfuck Lydia.

That was life.

Sometimes, we were only given one chance to get things right.

"—I think, at this point, I simply have to learn to live with what I've become."

Her expression crumpled. "Oh, Gray, that's not true, there's always a chance for us to change things around..."

My heart clenched at the sight of her sadness. Gracie looked so hurt on my behalf. She looked utterly broken up over her own problems, too.

Moments ago, everything Gracie had confessed to me about her sister, her dreams, really struck a chord in me. As kids, I secretly envied Gracie for her family. They seemed so perfect from the surface, so loving, so wholesome, especially compared to mine.

Back then, I knew Lydia always took advantage of Gracie's goodness, that was why I never liked her growing up, but I didn't realize, until now, how truly damaging their lopsided dynamic had been on Gracie.

It made me hate Lydia.

It made me hate myself even more for touching Lydia.

I stammered, "Your dreams about Lydia, though. Damn. I-I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but... I guess... maybe... not everything in life is meant to have a happy ending. I don't think we can expect to have closure with every single person or situation who has hurt us. When we get a happy ending, it's a blessing. When we don't, it's kinda... expected. But what I can promise you is that—"

The words got stuck in my throat as my mind spun away towards painful memories.

My dad's death had felt like a sign from the universe. Karma finally finished what I started that fateful night I sent the fucker to the hospital. I didn't feel remorseful about it. I would rather kill him than let him kill my mom. I didn't miss the man at all when he passed.

Yet, my lack of humanity made me feel as though something was very, very wrong with me. At the end of the day, my dad was still my dad. His life was still a life. His death was still a death. I couldn't see him as such, though. He would always be a monster in my eyes.

After the funeral, I made the decision to leave Gracie behind for the Corp because I had been so fucking terrified of the growing monster inside me. I was scared that I might some day unleash that violence on Gracie. Like I had unleashed it on my dad. Like my dad had unleashed his anger on my mom.

What if this shit was genetic?

At the time, I had hoped that the Corp would be able to set me straight, to keep my monsters contained through discipline and training and purpose-filled missions.

Yet, while I deployed overseas, I didn't let go of Gracie, not entirely, because my selfish heart still wanted her for myself. I held her in limbo. Never committing to her fully but still treating her like my girlfriend. When Craig first appeared in Gracie's life, a soul-crushing wave of guilt reared its head. I realized how unfair I was being to Gracie, a girl I claimed to love and respect, by holding her back from a happy, healthy relationship.

I decided, then, to do the right thing and let her go completely even though it damn near ended me.

At present, I didn't have the right to be Gracie's man, but I could still be her friend. No matter how much I desired her, no matter how I felt about her, it didn't matter. This wasn't about me. This was about her. More than anything, I wanted to make things up to her even when it felt like a lost cause.

In the dark of the living room, I reached over to pat her hand. It was a platonic touch, a straightforward gesture that held no intent other than to comfort her when she seemed so distressed.

I found my voice again.

"—I'm here as your friend, as your partner in crime wherever and whenever Stevie is concerned. I'm not going anywhere. Not anymore. I never should've left your side in the first place. From now on, when you're sad, I'll be sad with you. When you're happy, I'll be happy, too. You're not alone, Gracie. I swear to God, I'll never let you feel alone again."

I uttered every word with my whole fucking chest.

Suddenly, I felt the couch dip downwards as Gracie shifted towards me. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me into a tight hug.

She whispered in my ear, "Thank you, Gray, for being here. Just so you know, I'm here for you, too, okay? We don't have to go through this shit alone. We have each other again."

The word 'again' stuck out to me.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Just like when we were kids.

When we only had eyes for each other.

When she had been my best friend, my first love, my everything, and I had been hers.

With a soft groan, I buried my face into her neck, breathing in her sweet scent.

"Oh, Gracie..."

"Next time," she murmured, "if you have another bad dream, you can talk to me about it. If you feel like it. Okay?"

I was relieved that she wasn't pushing me to talk about my night terrors this time. My emotions felt so raw, so on edge at the moment. I didn't know if I was ready to reveal the full extent of my internal chaos just yet.

With my heart in my throat, I replied thickly, "Okay..."

She continued to hold onto me a while longer, saying nothing, doing nothing. She didn't need to lift a finger. It felt good simply to be close to her again. If only for a short while. A part of me knew I should've distanced myself from her kindness. I felt like I was taking advantage of her goodness, somehow. Like Lydia. I knew I shouldn't have lingered in our embrace, I had pulled away from her hand earlier because I didn't want to cross any boundaries, but Gracie always made me feel so weak. Weak—in a good way. She had a way of breaking down my walls. She made me feel as though the impossible might actually be... possible.

That was the power of my Gracie.

Her mere presence could turn darkness into light. Bitter into sweet. On this shadowy night, I clung to her with all my might because I knew this moment wouldn't last.

I was probably going to love this woman forever.

I would need to love her in secret, though.

Tomorrow morning, once the shadows lifted and the sun came out again, I would have to let her go. I would have to be her friend.

Only her friend.

Nothing more.