《Gracie & Gray》Chapter 17

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I woke up the next morning with a sense of clarity that had eluded me the night before, and reality stung like bitch.

Whether I liked it or not, I was going to be a father.

Whether I liked it or not, Lydia was going to be the mother.

Within a few months, we were going to be one fucked up little family.

And Gracie—

God, Gracie...

My whole damn world shattered all over again.

I couldn't think about her right now. It hurt too much to think about her. About everything I still felt for her. About how she was actually Craig-free, unmarried, and available at the moment.

About how I had fucked up everything for us.

There was no question in my mind. I was a selfish piece of shit just like my dad. I didn't even know why I tried to reach out to Gracie after I slept with Lydia.

I guess I had stupidly hoped for a second chance, a reboot, after I learned from Lydia that Craig was out of Gracie's life for good.

I had missed Gracie so fucking much.

I thought we could, at least, become friends again. I wanted to try and rebuild our bond in the faintest, quietest of ways.

But, damn, what had I been smoking?

I was scheduled to ship out in a week.

Even now, more than anything, I wanted to see Gracie again, but I didn't dare call or text her anymore. I felt ashamed now. So fucking ashamed. Our relationship had become too fragile after what I did with Lydia. I didn't want to destroy what little shred of tolerance Gracie might still possess for me at this point.

We were probably going to see more of each other, anyway, once the baby was born. Yet, I didn't know how I would ever be able to look Gracie in the eye again. She deserved everything that I could no longer give her.

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I had no fucking clue over what to do about Lydia and the baby, either.

I intended to help them out financially.

Anything beyond that, though, scared the hell out of me. My kid would probably be better off without me. I would be doing both Lydia and the baby a favor by staying away. Keeping my distance. I was a liability. A threat. I knew what I was capable of.

My mood plummeted.

Suddenly, my heart felt like it might implode from grief. The mere thought of losing Gracie forever—while being forced to see her regularly as an extended family member of sorts—crushed me more than my dad's actual death. I had wanted so much more from her than that...

Matty was still on my mind as well.

I tried to focus on the concrete, the facts, the tangible tasks, to get myself back on track. I hated feeling so out of control.

One thing I did know: I planned to stop by Matty's house again before my deployment. The other guys and I agreed to take turns to check in with Aisha and Sadie—see if they needed help with anything and make sure that mother and child were doing okay.

Christ, I needed a drink.

I also needed to talk to Lydia again. We had a lot of shit to figure out.

I needed to do so many things to get ready for the baby. Upgrade my life insurance policy. Maybe even put together a will?

In all my thirty years of fucking around, I had never felt so scared of anything as this tiny human being that Lydia and I had created together. The universe loved to mess with me. That bitch had a real twisted, sick sense of humor, and she certainly never liked to make things easy.

What I wanted—was Gracie.

What I wanted even more—was to become a good father.

Different.

Completely different.

From the monster who had raised me.

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