《How to Write Stories People Will Love》22. Streamline Your Sentences
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It's very easy to get caught up in your words as you write. You picture a scene in your head, then transcribe it into text. This is a good thing when you're chugging through your first draft and whipping out those chapters. Go you!
But when you are proofreading and editing, it's time to take a critical eye to your sentences. Are they wordier than they need to be? Can the same point come across with more brevity? Here are a few ways to figure this out...
What I mean is, is there something in the sentence that is stating the obvious? Here are some examples to illustrate my point:
WORDY: She blinked her eyes in confusion.
STREAMLINED: She blinked in confusion.
She can't blink her elbow or her hat, so we can leave out "her eyes". The sentence is still perfectly clear.
WORDY: He glared angrily at me.
STREAMLINED: He glared at me.
Because glaring is already an angry action, we don't need the adverb to tell us that it is. You can't glare in a sad or happy manner, so dropping the adverb tightens the sentence.
WORDY: I turned off the shower and wrung out my wet hair.
STREAMLINED: I turned off the shower and wrung out my hair
You don't wring dry hair, plus this person was just in the shower. We can gather that it's wet in there. So we can drop the "wet"adjective. These are tiny adjustments, but over the course of an entire manuscript, they add up.
Sometimes we're trying so hard to convey an important moment, we don't realize we're stating the same thing over and over again. For example:
WORDY: I stared out at the crowd and began to sweat. My hands shook and my jaw locked themselves tight. I couldn't breathe. My whole body started shaking. Even my scalp tingled with anxiety. There was no way I could speak. I was just too nervous.
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STREAMLINED: I stared out at the crowd and began sweating. My hands shook, yet I couldn't move my mouth despite the nervous energy. My thundering heart sank as I realized I was about to bomb this.
What's happening here is, after the first two indicators of anxiety, the reader gets it. Sweating, check. Shaking hands, check. This person is nervous. Everything after that is just overkill. We don't need the tingling scalp or the stunted breathing. We get it. She's nervous. Move on. In the streamlined example, I ended the paragraph by transitioning her state of anxiety into one of disappointment as a way to move forward with the plot.
When you're combing through your first draft, pay attention to passivity. Active is when the subject is performing an action. Passive is an action being done to the subject. Not only is it a weaker way to say things, it also tends to be wordier. Some examples:
WORDY: The crazy train came to a stop.
STREAMLINED: The crazy train stopped.
WORDY: The robbers were caught by the police.
STREAMLINED: The police caught the robbers
WORDY: We need to gain access to the vault of cookies.
STREAMLINED: We need to access the cookie vault.
If you're interested in reading more about how to tighten your writing by eliminating the unnecessary and restructuring sentences, check out Write Tight, by William Brohaugh.
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The Blue Mage Raised by Dragons
Blue mages learn skills from beasts. This is the story of one fortunate enough to be taken in by dragons. Book 1 and Book 2 available on Amazon! ____________________________________ Please note that this is the original, unpublished, web-novel version. Check out my website: http://www.virlyce.com/
8 923The Psysword Chronicles (HIATUS)
"Definitely above average. You've woven in enough goodness in the first 5 chaps to warrant a deeper dive." -RaccoonMage "A well written Isekai." -TaxReligion "When I saw it was an isekai I expected the same old tropes. And, while the main character was indeed transported to fight the main villain, that is as far as the main tropes go[...] I was pleasantly surprised." -doravg "[T]his novel has lot of good things going on for it[...] I can see this becoming one of top tier novels on this site." -Crow3r A fantastical world called the Ecumene. A sinister invasion by forces of the Underworld. A war that threatens to rend the Three Realms asunder. 18-year-old Kendrick is from another universe entirely, summoned to be the hero the Ecumene needs... but he's kind of a clumsy goof. Two companions—a fiery, battle-ready witch named Bellara and a soft-spoken, friendly healer named Sahni—welcome him to the Ecumene for one purpose: he may be the only one that can save it. Why? Precisely because he's an outsider to their world. And how? With an ancient weapon that seems tailor-made for him alone: the Psysword. Book 1 complete.
8 349The Demon Lord who wished to be a Hero
This is the story of a person who in his life born and raised to be scary and dangerous. Being born from a Yakuza/Mafia family, his face and physique showed signs that you would expect from someone in that line of work. The funny part is, he doesn't like his family line of work and is actually a nice person, yet everyone is afraid of him except a few. However their was a strange occurrence of a "Game Pod" being sent out for game newly released for random people. The only thing people know is that is a post to be an VR RPGMMO. Which our Main character gets as well as his "Friends". He plans to become a Hero in the game however, he becomes the Opposite of what he wishes to be, and the game isnt actually a game (Hello! This is my first story Ive ever written and will post on Royalroad! I hope you will enjoy it and I really appreciate constructive criticism! I will probably edit the synopsis In a later date and if you have any ideas for it I would really appreciate it. And on one more note sorry for my spelling and grammar, sorry if you see any mistakes and point them out for me, please *Bows* Oh! I keep forgetting things! XD This story will have elements of other stories I have read, an example is RE:Monster and its ability to allow monsters to evolve at a certain threshold of levels. [ 15+ (Maybe even higher...) Strong Language, Blood/Gore, Sexual innuendos or content] ) [Found the Pic on Google images, not owned by me]
8 154Bloody Hell
Alan Maxwell has one exceptional talent. He can read peoples body language and micro expressions so well that, in many cases it's not hard for him to fake being psychic. When a foreign agency decides that said talent would make him an exceptional spy, events quickly begin to spiral out of control. With enemies on all sides, and friends that will as soon kill each other as his enemies, Alan will have to put his skills to the test in the ultimate game of cat and mouse. ===I came up with this story in response to a question. I once asked someone why there weren't really any Yandere harems. I realize that the answer to that is 'everyone dies' but thats boring so... here we are. A story I came up with explicitly as an excuse to create a harem entirely out of obsessive psychopathic axe murderers. Or in other words - "What happens to Bond girls when they disappear?"As a warning, there are sex scenes. Its tagged. I'll leave an authors note at the top of any chapter that has them if you'd prefer to skip it.
8 173Road To S
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8 207Warfare Between Lost Hearts
During the long awaited war crisis in Manila, every legal-aged inhabitant, specifically voters, are required to work for the government in order to reestablish the living land and battle against a mass terrorist attack. The country where the terrorist originated are still in the unknown and under further research. Juveniles haven’t got any choice yet to live by themselves. Building a town, planting food crops, hunting animals and even manslaughter is required in the generation by means of survival. Keisha and his brother, Jaden, are left alone haunted by vicious brutes hiding from the shadows. Until then they found hope wherein they can rule over and persist the ongoing catastrophe.
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