A/N: Hey, welcome back to the next segment of Ranting About my Mental Issues Vicariously Through my Characters, in this chapter we have gay sadness in the lunch room. I recently found FINNEAS and oh my god, I can't believe I forgot he's billie's brother, talent must just run in their family. Anyways, Partners in Crime doesn't really apply to this story, but it's one of the few songs that is just so beautiful it's made me cry multiple times, so give it a listen if you've got a minute. I hope you like the chapter and also have an amazing week.

At lunch on Wednesday, Logan took his salad and apple and sat next to Oliver. He decided he wanted to actually eat all of his food this time, even if he ended up skipping dinner, or had a panic attack over the dressing, or everyone looked at him weird. He needed to finish it.

He'd been trying to eat more recently, mostly because Oliver wouldn't stop bugging him about it, but he was trying to convince himself it was his own choice to make steps toward getting better and not because he just couldn't stand that look of concern and confusion on Oliver's face every time he refused to eat or the way his jaw ticked when Logan lied to him. Logan was sure he wasn't supposed to be picking up on the signs that Oliver knew there was something wrong, but he was also sure Oliver didn't know the extent of his sheer paranoia at the thought of anyone finding out. He knew they'd send him away to some clinic and where he'd be weight watched, and group sessioned, and force fed until he was fat again, he couldn't let that happen, he couldn't tell anyone. That didn't take away any of the guilt of lying to his boyfriend, though.

Syrus walked in a few minutes late to lunch, his hair just a bit messier than usual, and Logan only realized he was kind of staring when Sy looked back at him and Logan quickly shot his eyes back down to his salad. He didn't know when he'd stop feeling bad about what he'd done, if he ever would, scared that Sy would hate him and hold it over his head forever. Why shouldn't he?

Logan just took a bite of his salad and Ivy glanced at him, then down to his food before she looked at him again, Logan could tell she was a bit shocked and he shrugged. He hadn't actually eaten his salad at Lunch since Freshman year, back when he used to buy fries and sodas. It seemed like forever ago now, he could hardly remember how it felt to be okay with how he looked, he wondered if maybe he never was to begin with. His own self hate was one of the most consistent things in his life, even when he wasn't actively hurting himself, when he was trying to recover from self harm, or eat more than usual, or stop smoking, it was always there, just waiting. He wasn't sure why, but ever since he'd started being depressed, he had this overwhelming need to destroy himself in any way possible. It was never quite fulfilling, but sometimes, when he was standing on the scale in his bathroom staring at the number, or sitting in the bathtub watching blood trail down the drain, he felt the most amazing euphoria, a warmth and safety that he couldn't ever explain, it pulled him back every time he tried to quit. He could never seem to stop chasing that feeling, to have it back just once more, and still, it was never enough, he was never enough to satisfy himself.

"The musical's coming together nicely." Logan said and Ivy smiled, nodding.

"Yeah, I think the actress for the queen is really doing the best out of the cast." Ivy said with a giggle and Grace grinned, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Shush you, you're going to steal the show." Grace said and Ivy rolled her eyes, kissing Grace's lips.

"Get a room." Sy said with a chuckle, taking a sip of his coke.

"Excuse me, problem?" Ivy asked playfully with a raised eyebrow as Grace wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's shoulders.

"Oh no, none at all, I just think you two could stop being disgustingly cute for a second and talk to everyone else." Sy said and Ivy laughed softly.

"But we're in loooove, and everyone has to know." Ivy whined with a grin.

"We can always continue this when we get back to my house." Grace said and Ivy sighed, nodding.

"Are the mics going to be ready in time for the show?" Ivy asked Tyler.

"Was there a problem with them?" Logan asked.

"Yeah, kind of, we're just ordering new ones, they'll be in working order in time for the show." Tyler assured.

"That's good." Logan said, taking a bite of his salad. He had just noticed how quiet Oliver was and glanced at him a moment. "You're quiet today."

"Am I?" Oliver asked with a small smile.

"Mhm." Logan said, taking a sip of his water.

"I don't think I'm any more quiet than normal."

"He's a pretty quiet guy." Ivy said.

"Not to me." Logan mumbled.

"Maybe you're special." Ivy said.

"Nah, I've just known you a while." Oliver said with a shrug.

"So I'm not special?" Logan asked sounding fake offended and Oliver rolled his eyes.

"Of course you are."

"Special weird or special cool and unique?" Logan asked with a giggle.

"Are they mutually exclusive?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah, because there's kinda like..cool weird special." Ivy said and Oliver sighed.

"You're just great." Oliver said.

"But not special?" Logan asked.

"Great and special..especially great." Oliver said and Logan laughed softly.

Logan glanced over at Sy who was doing something on his phone before he got up.

"I gotta go, I'll see you guys later." Sy said.

"Where are you going?" Ty asked.

"The library, I have a project to do and have to meet up with my partner to do research for it."

"Oh okay, seeya in Math then." Tyler said and Sy nodded, walking off.

"Is he acting weird?" Grace asked.

"He zones out when he gets stressed, it's probably just the play coming up." Ty said

Logan nodded a bit, watching Syrus leave. He felt bad all over again, his stomach twisting up, but he just took a sip of his water, pushing the stone back down his throat.

---

Logan was quietly working on one of the details for the painting of the queens court, it was the last thing he had to paint for the set. He glanced over to a girl across the room who was working on painting a different set piece, she was pretty with dark brown eyes and purple hair. Andrea maybe? No, it's definitely Annie..or something with an A. He was bad with names, but he knew she was nice, he'd talked to her a couple of times.

"The set's looking good." Logan jumped when he heard Tyler speak behind him and his friend laughed quietly.

"Uh..yeah, it's almost done, I'm really just adding details and small stuff at this point." Logan said with a shrug.

"You're staring at Alex pretty intently."

"What?"

"Alex, you've been looking at her for like, five minutes." Ty said, glancing to the girl painting a prop across the room.

"Oh, I must've zoned out, sorry." Logan said, looking back down to the painting.

"You look tired." He said and Logan paused, biting the inside of his cheek.

"I know."

"Are you okay lately?"

"Yeah, totally, just a bit of insomnia and anxiety, never a good mix, ya know?" Logan said with a quiet laugh.

"You can always talk about it..if you want." Tyler said softly, fidgeting with his fingers and he sounded too much like Sy. Logan took a breath.

"Yeah, I know, it's just like, everyone gets anxious and it's really no big deal, I don't need help." LiarLiar.

"I know, it's just..I know I'm not great at being sympathetic and all that shit, but I'm here for you, just in case you didn't think- I don't know what I'm trying to say, I'm sorry. It's just..we're friends and I'm worried about you, so if there's something bothering you or if you did need someone to talk to, I'm here." Tyler said and Logan smiled, nodding.

"Thanks, Ty." He said softly and his friend smiled a little. "You could talk to me too, if you needed to."

"Thank you." Tyler said, then paused a moment. "So you and Oliver are together then?" He asked but it was more of a statement and Logan sighed softly.

"Is it that obvious?" Logan asked, pushing up his glasses a bit as they were falling down his nose.

"Yes."

"I guess Sy knows then.." He mumbled, painting a design on the courtroom walls.

"Is that why you were trying to hide it?"

"I didn't want to hurt his feelings..I guess attempts at sparing his feelings have only made things worse in the past though, maybe I just haven't learned my lesson.." Logan said with a sigh. "I just don't know how to fix our friendship, I feel like he hates me."

"I don't think there's anything like fixing a friendship instantly, it just takes time."

"I know, I just-"

"He doesn't hate you, though, or at least, I don't think so." Tyler said and Logan looked up.

"What does it matter if he's mad at me forever?"

"He won't be."

Logan ran his fingers through his hair, glancing at Sy who was sitting on the fake tree branch they'd made, reciting his lines to Ivy up on stage. Logan just wanted to know what to do, he wanted all the answers in the universe so he'd know the right choice to every decision and not have to spend the rest of his life wondering if he got it right, if he chose the best path possible, because he felt like he never did.

"Do you think Alex has a boyfriend?" Tyler asked, glancing over at the girl and Logan looked up at him again with a little grin.

"Wait, do you like her?" Logan asked and Tyler squeezed his fingers into a fist before reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.

"Well..she is pretty and she's adroit in many things. Did you know she builds robots?" Tyler said and Logan giggled.

"You should talk to her, I bet she'd be equally as impressed with your skills in science."

"Well, I mean, you both do art so maybe you could talk to her for me."

"Ty, confidence is hot, just go over there and start a conversation, you can talk about robots or stars or something."

"What if she brushes me off?"

"Then get up and keep going, you tried your best."

"Maybe tomorrow.." Tyler said. "We're leaving now anyways." He grabbed his backpack and Logan grabbed his own, putting anything he brought with him in it.

"I'll seeya tomorrow, Ty." Logan said with a smile and his friend waved a bit.

Logan walked out to the parking lot where he always waited for the late bus to come. He was a bit early as most kids had to change out of their costumes. He glanced over to the other side of the parking lot where Jace was getting in his car and he couldn't be too bothered to wonder why he was there so late, he was much more aware of the tightening in his chest and how had it was to swallow as he moved a hand up to touch his neck gently. He hadn't realized how scared he was of Jace even still. He knew Jace wouldn't hurt him, but he couldn't forget all the times he'd come home with hidden bruises or the feeling of being scared he might not wake up right before he passed out. It wasn't often that Jace had beaten him that badly, but it didn't have to be. Jace had always made Logan feel weak and defenseless. He stuffed his hands in his jean pockets and took a breath.

"Hey, you wanna ride?" Oliver asked and Logan jumped a bit before giggling quietly.

"Jesus, I didn't even hear you walk up to me."

"Distracted?" Oliver asked with a raised eyebrow before glancing over to his ex-best friend's car driving away and Logan could tell he was gritting his teeth just seeing Jace in his vicinity.

"Let's just go." Logan said, grabbing Oliver's hand and pulling him to the car. Oliver followed and then gently pushed Logan against the side of the car, glancing around before he leaned down to kiss him. "Someone could see." Logan mumbled, though not putting in any effort to push away his boyfriend.

"Let them." Oliver said with a smirk, cupping Logan's face as he tilted his head to the side a bit and Logan smiled a little, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's neck, kissing him back.