Six months had come and gone, breathing had become harder, sleeping was nearly impossible. Living started to hurt.

But at the same time, the numbness had become my centrefold. Every morning I got up and went to the stables every morning. I had been trying to be more active. Try and keep myself out of my head.

I had started to notice changes in my body. My arms were getting bigger, my legs getting stronger. I felt better, I was not as tired as I used to be. It has gotten easier for me to go outside the castle walls.

It helped a lot. And though my thoughts were always on the what if. I found myself keeping myself busy so that I couldn't feel the sadness that was inside me. And it was working. With the body changes, came the mental changes. I felt stronger in a way. I felt more in control.

Juanita had cut my hair a week ago, so now my hair was close to the nape of my neck, the weather was warmer in the night time now, and it made me feel a bit better because at least Edward isn't freezing cold if he was out there.

They had sent men time and time again, but each time they've come back empty-handed. And each time my hope dwindled. But there was one spot they had not checked yet, and that was west of where Edward was taken. They had gone so far, but Ronald informed us there is a village that was not on the map, one that his family had come from. One that had only a hand full of people left. And that was worth visiting.

Ronald and I had done our training, and some times Alexander would come and join us, which was something I was fine with, sometimes. He had been around more then I had liked. It was almost like he was trying to get my attention more then I was willing to give.

Yes, we had shared a kiss one time, but it was nothing more than that to me. And I sometimes wondered how much he thought it was I was trying to draw a clear line in the sand. But he was always there, never far from the sidelines once his work was finished.

I tried not to think about it too much, tried to not let it bother me as much as it was on the inside.

"I leave in a week," I said, dropping a book onto the rounded table my father was sitting behind. He, Mangus and Ser Talbot were having a small meeting, and thanks to Tsar, I had known about it and made it known that I was leaving. "Edward is my best friend. I refuse to let him live in the woods when he could be injured, or worse."

Ser Talbot looked at me, his eyes narrowed, but not in a sense that he was angry, more like he was deep in thought. "Yer' not goin' by yerself are you m'lord?"

"No, Tsar, Alexander and Ronald will be accompanying me."

"Ronald? The boy in the stables. You must be joking." Father said, raising from his chair. "You can not be serious. You have no training, and you want to bring two men who also have no training with you? I will not allow it."

"I have training. I have been training for months. With Ronald, who has one of the best hands I have seen on a man who is not a trained knight. He has skills beyond his means, and he will one day be a great addition to our army." I said, my eyes matching my father as I tried to not let my confidence shift. "Alexander spent his life living on a farm, using his hands, and his body to fight the elements. He was also a trainer in his village but refused to become a knight to support his family. And Tsar has been a known archer for years. I watched him shoot a bird as it flew in the sky just last week. Both these men have been training me. They are more than enough to take along with me."

It was true, though I had no idea before, Tsar had finally had enough of watching Ronald and I struggle with a bow one day. He had come practically out of nowhere and helped fix it, shaking his head at us both. "You are seconds away from breaking it." He scolded, and it was one shot he called out saying he was aiming for a leaf that was dangling off a branch. Foolish I thought as he aimed his weapon and shot.

I had never seen anything like it, not only had he hit the leaf, but it pinned to the trunk of the tree so it was not lost in the woods.

"I'll help you. But only if you promise to let me come with you."

"You fool. I was bringing you along anyways."

"I will not allow you to be lost in the wild as well," Father said, his hands pressed to the table.

"I will bring dogs, I will leave markers on trees. But I am not taking a no from you father. I have only come to inform you of where I will be going"

"I do not know what hold Ser Talbot has on you." Father started, and I could feel my blood running cold as his eyes darkened. "I do not like it. And when — if you get back to this castle. You will be looking for a bride. I am not having these rumours fester more. I will not dismantle your determination to get Edward home. But when he is home. You both are moving on. That will be it. There will be no more."

"Fath— "

"It is my word, and my word is law. Now, make your way. We have much to speak of." He demanded, waving me off. My jaw tightened as I stood tall, I gave father one nod before turning and taking my leave. My boots heavy as I made my way back to the study where I left Ronald, Tsar and Alexander waiting.

"There are rumours and I have not been told?"

Tsar shook his head. "I have heard no rumours of you and Edward. Have you lads?" Both men shook their heads, at the question, and I let out a sigh.

"He could be bluffing. I will not be far from Edward when he comes home, but I can give space when he is well again, so that father thinks that all is well."

"Perhaps you should just stay. Send others out."

I looked at Alexander, shaking my head. "Men have been sent out and they have found nothing. I want to see what is out there with my own eyes."

"My lord. Edward may be dead. And if he is dead, his body will not be — "

"Silence. You do not get to speak of Edward as if he is not alive. Because until I have proof that he is not. I will not believe it."

Alexander sighed, "Yes, my lord."

"I have not trained for four months just to be told no. That will not happen. You are either with me or against me. And you can gladly leave the castle while you are at it."

He just nodded his head

I felt a change in myself. In the room. Alexander didn't say a word the rest of the night. Until it was the two of us alone.

"M'lord. I do believe in you. I am just... nervous. I do not wish to lose you, or any of the men. We all became such good friends I worry. I do not wish to lose more. I have already lost my family."

"I understand," I said with a sigh. And I did. I understood everything. I was scared to lose anyone as well. If Edward was gone, how could I handle coming home without him, and without Ronald, or Taz, or even Alexander.

I don't think I could let myself live it down if anyone them died because of me.