A month.

A month has past and still no sign of Edward, the other men had been found. Two of them had been spotted wandering without their horse not far from the raid. But had said that Edward was never with them.

And something about that made it all so much worse. So much more real.

If Edward had not made it from the raid, the likely hood that he was still alive was slim. And though nobody wanted to outright say it. Everyone was thinking about it. Everybody knew it was true and everyone was walking upon eggshells.

But not for me.

No, ser Benedict was having a very hard time with the loss of his son. The man had been on an angry tirade for the past week and I don't think there was any stop to it in sight. He was not fit to speak to. And if you did manage to get a few words from him, he would either be very quiet. Or he would be snapping at you.

It was hard, it was hard for everybody. We didn't want to plan anything. Not without confirmation that he was really gone.

It was the worst feeling, grieving in silence because nobody knew the love you shared with somebody else. I missed his touch, his voice. Only a month had gone by and it felt like years. But I promised myself I would still search for him. Because if he was alive out there. He would need me with him.

A week later, I was in the drawing-room, scrolls open and a map with the land that Edward was last seen in open. Alexander was nearby, looking over the table with a frown. "I think it's silly." He said, putting a hand over the map to tear my eyes away from it. I looked up at him, brows pinched.

"Think what is silly?"

"This. I do not mean disrespect, my lord. But it's clear your lover is no longer alive. Even if he had survived the raid, it's been over a month. I do not wish to tell you to give up, I know you will not. But maybe slow down."

"Slow down? How in God's name can I slow down?"

"Stop." He said, taking hold of my hands and moving a tad closer, so he was at the end of his chair. "I told you to slow down. I did not tell you to give up. But it's consuming you. You hardly sleep. You hardly eat. I worry for you."

I sighed, nodding my head, picking our entwined hands up, and resting them on my forehead. I sat like that for a moment. Before taking my hands away, taking them away from his hands as well. I didn't want to slow down. I didn't want to go around like Edward was gone that he was never a part of my life.

The next morning I was quick to run to the stables. Ronald was ready and waiting for me, and we soon got on the horses and trotted off to our normal clearing. "You've never told me why you are doing all of this," Ronald said as we made our way to the field. I looked at the younger man, as sweet and nice as he was, I don't think he'd be able to keep that sort of secret close enough to him that I would not have to be worried.

I just shrugged, pulling the reigns on the horse. "I am sick of being perceived as a child, or a woman because I am smaller than most." Which was not a lie. Ronald, though being a few years younger than I, to had more strength to him then I had. And it made me want to hide at a time. I hated not being able to hold myself to a certain standard as everyone around me. As a prince coming up in the world they expect you to be big, powerful. Scary in parts. Someone dripping with respect from others.

And maybe that was my own fault, I hid inside. And even all this was mute because Edward maybe, God forbid. Gone, I would keep myself in shape. Because without Edward I needed the crown. Without Edward, I had no hopes of running off to be with somebody.

Maybe I should just come to terms that without him, I would marry a woman and have children. Because I cannot see myself happy without him, that that least I can do is give my parents the heir that they had always wanted. I licked my lips, the breeze of the fall air hitting my face.

My mind drifted to Alexander. He seemed to be everywhere. He was always nearby with a smile on his face and words to keep my head high. Maybe, just maybe One day Alexander and I could be good enough friends for me to forget — no not forget, but maybe heal some of the numbness I feel from Edward.

Though that would not happen any time soon. The wound was still fresh. And though he and I have shared a moment in the past, it was one moment. And I could not think of anyone holding me in the same way that Edward had held me. Touching me. A shiver ran through me at the memories of him. The memories of his hands, his lips, his touch. He was always gentle.

I could remember the first night we were together as one, it was not long after we had gotten together. I was nervous it was not like I had known it was going to happen. Edward had come to my chambers, telling our fathers that I was teaching him to read. Which was not a lie. We did read. But not as often as Alexander and I read.

No, our reading was mostly Edward sounding out two words before turning his lips to mine.

And I loved it.

It was like any other day. He had come to my chambers with his childish playful smile. He skipped the books that day. He had shut the door behind him and his lips were on mine. And we stayed as one for a few minutes before he had told me he had gotten a higher rank. He was a top tier now as a Knight. He was getting his own men, no longer was he following the orders of someone else. And he was glowing with that. He was as happy as a child with their favourite toy. It was a beautiful sight, and I never want to forget his smile that day. He gloated, he laughed, and he gave me every part of him. As I gave him. Because who would turn down his smile.

"-or? My lord are you ok?" I blinked, looking over to Ronald, "My lord you have tears on your face." I lifted a hand, slowly wiping a hand over my cheek, and sure enough, my face was wet. I let off a shaky sigh before dismounting. 

"Come now, we have no time to waste. Let us get started."

{A.N : Thank you @Loutka for the amazing cover to Edward and Tsar♡}