Endless Bonds

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The triple knock resonates loudly against our dorm room, causing both Sara and I to jolt.

"What the hell?" Sara mumbles, jumping on one foot as she wrestles with a sock.

I turn away from my desk, swivelling in my chair. "Did you invite someone?"

"On the contrary, I'm on my way out to meet someone." She throws on her jacket and peers into the peephole. "Oh. It's Trent. I guess I better leave you two to it."

She gives me a mock-seductive wink, before throwing open the door. "Hey, Trent!"

I get up from my sitting position as if my ass was lit on fire. Oh, god. Trent. He didn't text me to let me know he was planning a visit.

I haven't spoken to him since last night – save for the pathetic good morning text I sent him today. I've been in my head all day long – shame on me.

"Hey, Sara." Trent's gaze is raw, and he looks winded, almost as if he ran up the staircase.

With both arms braced on either side of the doorframe, the look he levels me with is icy.

My smile falters at the tension radiating off of him.

Even the air feels tense.

Sara's eyes cut to mine and she gives me an odd look, before clearing her throat and sidestepping Trent. "All right. Well, I'm out. I'll see you guys later. Bye!"

It's just the two of us.

I try grinning again, motioning him inside. "Hey – come in."

Never removing those blues from mine, he steps inside. There's a type of agitation running through him still.

Hating the distance between us, I cross over to him and place my hands on the soft fabric of his grey hoodie. I raise on my tippy-toes and kiss his cheek. "How are you? I'm sorry I've been out of touch today; I was so focused on completing my essay. Can I get you some coffee?"

He shakes his head. Clenching his jaw, he removes my hands from his chest like they burn him.

I try to push aside his wind-swept locks, and he holds my hand away as I try to touch him. I don't understand why he's being this way. So controlled. So closed-off.

I try to swallow past the hurt, noticing that something is really wrong. "Are you okay, babe?"

"When were you going to tell me?" He echoes his words with an eerie calmness I've never heard him utter.

I take a step in his direction, but he moves three steps backwards. "I don't understand, Trent. What are you talking about?"

My throat begins to close up with the amount of coldness I feel.

"Babe," I try again.

His body jerks, as if a switch has been turned on and a flood of emotions washes over him. "You have a fiancé," he spits out, thumping his fist on the wall next to our heads. "When were you going to fucking tell me?"

I jump at the harshness. Oh. Oh, fuck.

Then I freeze. The warm blood in my veins might as well have turned to ice, just like his accusatory gaze.

My mouth has suddenly gone dry. This wasn't supposed to happen. No. No. No. Not like this.

"H-How did you find out?"

"Does it fucking matter?" he suddenly roars, the icy look melted and in it's place a dark, wild expression sweeping over. "You lied to me this whole fucking time –"

"– I didn't lie to you; I –"

"Omitted the truth? Yeah, that's what you fucking did! There's another guy, Trent. I told you, I hadn't cared about that because I thought this – between us – meant more than some other guy in your life. We could work past this. But you failed to mention that he wasn't just someone you were seeing; he was your fiancé! Someone you wanted to marry!"

"Trent, please. Let me explain," I'm feeling frantic and my voice is shaking, coated with tears. "It doesn't matter – he doesn't matter."

He's looking at me, but he's not seeing me. He keeps creating distance between us, making it impossible for me to reach him emotionally. "But it does matter – this changes things. You cheated on your fucking fiancé with me. You don't do that with someone you love and want to marry."

He keeps walking backwards until his back hits the door. His Adam's apple works up and down, and he stares at me unflinchingly, showing me with his eyes the full force of what I've caused in him. Turbulence. Pain. Confusion. The other guy.

It hurts to see that. It hurts even worse that I created this mess myself, knowing I could have avoided it.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Every time I touched you, were you thinking of him?" The smirk on his face is twisted and bitter and my goodness, it doesn't belong there. Neither do the crude words spilling out of his mouth, but I know they are the undertone of hurt. "When you sucked my cock, were you thinking of him? When I made you cum, were you thinking of him?"

Tears sting my eyes, before the slowly spill over my cheeks.

"Tell me!" he roars, with so much despair it nearly undoes me. "Fucking answer me. I don't deserve this." His vulnerable words end on a cracked note and that only causes me to cry a little more.

Shaking my head, I cup his jaw and he holds unto my wrists for a second, before his touch is gone. "Every time you touched me, I lost myself in you. I was reminded of why it's always been you."

He finally glances at me, like I'm no longer hazy and takes a shuddering breath. "This whole time I felt like I was missing something with you, and I could never pinpoint it, but now it makes sense... You weren't even wearing a ring."

I'm desperate to have him understand me. I peck his mouth, but he doesn't reciprocate. There's an empty look in his eyes, as if he's defeated. I need to get through to him. "You mean so much to me. Just hear me out, please. I met Pierre – my ex – when I got to Paris. He helped me heal what was broken inside of me, and for that I'll always be internally grateful. Then I found out he cheated on me a few days ago. But it didn't even matter because since the moment we reconnected, I've been consumed by you completely. I wanted to end it with him, but I just didn't know how. Finding out what he did was the leeway I needed. I ended things with him before I came to the party. I ended it with him the same night I confessed how I'd felt about you in high school. Please, you're the only one I want to be with. Believe me?"

He pushes me away gently, but the sardonic twist of lips never leaves. "I can't tell if you're sorry you got caught or if you really would have told me if it wasn't for Teagan. But this is my own fault, eh? Karma for not being honorable."

"Trent, I never knew how to tell you about that part of my life. It was my deepest darkest secret. I hadn't even told my mom. Tara found out recently and she warned me that I should tell you before this blew up in my face and it did. Tell me what it would take for you to believe me. I want to be with you only."

The anger has drained away from his body and now he just looks worn-out. He sticks his fingers through his strands and tugs, still not allowing me closer to him. "I believe you. To a certain extent, I even forgive you. But right now, I need to be left alone. I'm not in the right mind space to be with you. Shit, I don't even know if I can be with you. I need distance, but you get that, eh?" A bitter laugh escapes him. "You always demand needing time, so now it's my turn."

No. No. No. Trent winces a little, as if the sight of my tears pains him. I can't stop them. They're coming much faster, no matter how much I wipe at my eyes with my sleeves. "Trent, I get what you're saying, but please. I just want to work this out –"

He's already turning away from me, throwing the door open and stepping out.

"Trenton," I murmur shakily.

He raises his eyes and they're morphed with heartbreak and a bit of resentment. "I'm not looking to be your fucking rebound."

"You're not – you could never be," I whisper shakily, reaching out for him one more time.

He retreats in the corner he's created for himself and only himself. There's no place for me.

"I deserve better than that."

I whimper from his hurtful words. No. I whimper at the thought of how much I've hurt this guy – this amazingly gentle, sweet, caring guy who makes me feel cherished and wanted and dirty and oh-so perfect.

"You don't know how sorry I am," I croak. "You have no idea how many times I've thought of telling you about the last two years of my life. I know I screwed up, but I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel like my feelings towards you were cheap. They weren't. They aren't. I'll give you the time you need, but please, please, please – I'm begging you – tell me there's a chance I can fix this? How can I show you you're all I want?"

"That's just it." I'm wrenched. "I don't think you can do anything to fix this besides leaving me alone, Cher. I wanted answers and I got them."

Then he's gone and out of my life.

How could I ever have allowed this to happen?

My knees wobble and I nearly fall. A sob erupts from my mouth and I barely have control over the floodgate of emotions bursting through.

I stumble towards the bathroom, my chest hurting with having gotten my heart broken.

But if I'm being truthful, I got myself in this mess by not being honest from the beginning.

Safety net. Not wanting to jinx my happiness. Keeping Pierre a secret.

None of that matters anymore. Trent is what made me happy.

Looks like I didn't outrun all my demons.

I never wanted to lose Trent, but it feels like I have.

Along with leaving, he took a huge chunk of my heart with him and I can't even have it back.

I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

* * *

It's 10:16 pm and I've cried myself to sleep, before I'm awoken by my ringtone.

I don't have the energy or mental capacity to talk to anyone, but I see that it's Ethan calling me. He usually doesn't unless it's an emergency.

"Hello?" I cringe at the thickness of my voice, but I'm hoping he doesn't notice it.

"Hey, Cher. You got a few minutes?"

I clear my throat and sit-up straight. "Yeah. Everything okay?"

"I know you blocked Pierre completely. He's been trying to reach you for days, so I figured I'd tell you myself."

I feel tears sting my eyes again. "E.T, I really can't talk about Pierre right now –"

"He got a restraining order against Lise Moreau."

"What?" I'm surprised to the point where I have to replay his sentence another time. "Excuse me?"

Why the hell would he need to do that?

Ethan huffs a little. "Rocky would kill me if he found out I was telling you this before he got to it, but she drugged him at the party two nights ago and posted pictures of them together on social media – exactly the pictures you saw. He woke up in the middle of the night disoriented, and Lise all but throwing herself at him. He resisted and she tried to blame it on the fact that he was taking advantage."

I don't know what to say. I'm numb. Frozen over.

Despite what I saw, I know Pierre, and he would never take advantage of someone.

This is the guy that would set spiders free, instead of killing them whenever I asked. This is the guy who walked away when he found out Lise fucked his best friend, instead of throwing a fist fight.

But it doesn't change the fact that a really morbid realization is dawning upon me, concerning my impulsive decision-making.

"He didn't cheat, Cheryl. He loves you too much."

I don't know what to say. But my tears do, because they're back and my heart is breaking all over again at what I've done to him.

I'm shocked.

I am a horrible person.

Ethan takes my silence as my answer and continues talking. "I know you aren't taking his calls or texts, but I just wanted to let you know of his situation and why he'd been previously distant. He was going to come to town this weekend to surprise you with a small party. He'd been planning it behind your back for awhile. Sharlene and I helped him book the ticket."

My eyes are closed, and I feel hollow.

"Ethan, I can't talk right now. I'm going to have to call you later."

I end the call before he can protest.

Chucking the phone against the wall, I let out a agonizing cry.

I've screwed up phenomenally.

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So...Pierre never cheated? Trent telling Cher he needs time? What do you think about everything that happened? I know Cher is a messy human being, but honestly I don't like to write perfect characters. What do you guys think will happen next? Your feedback is super important for me in anything I write, especially when I start to revise these books for editing/publishing! :)