When they got back to the hospital, Jeongguk followed Taehyung in silence toward the back entrance to the garden. The rain didn't seem to be letting up anytime soon, and Jeongguk couldn't shake off the giddiness bursting inside of his chest even though the gravity of their previous conversation lingered in the back of his mind.

He just couldn't help it. How could he think of anything else when his hand was in Taehyung's? When they approached the exit, he stopped in his tracks, solemn eyes meeting his. He gave him a questioning look, silently asking if he was okay and hoping he would give him an answer.

And he did. Somewhat. Instead, he took his hand in his. His warm, calloused delicately enveloped Jeongguk's, making Jeongguk's breath hitch in his throat. It was the first time Taehyung ever reached for him in that way, and perhaps in that moment, the smallest of gestures felt enough.

Taehyung squeezed his hand lightly, the hesitance in his trembling fingers being overlooked by Jeongguk, who was too dazed to notice. With that, Taehyung took his silence as an approval to head outside. He pushed open the door with his elbow, a gust of cool air billowing through his hair. Together, gazes no longer meeting, they went out.

Jeongguk glanced down at their intertwined hands, noticing the little tattoos on their fingers. His head lifted upward to see Taehyung's back was to him. He swallowed, chest tight as his attention was captured by the tiny, useless tattoos on their fingers.

They were supposed to mean something, but now that they were holding hands, they were merely random lines. They were tangents that wouldn't ever meet.

Tangents that were never supposed to meet.

It was funny. Part of him wanted to laugh, but he couldn't bring himself to make a light-hearted jab. His teeth sunk into his bottom lip. He tried not to focus on the ache in his chest, instead focusing the sharp pinch beneath his arms as his crutches dug into his underarms because at least that pain was more tolerable than a form of heartache he didn't have the energy to analyze.

Outside was cold. So unbearably cold that the warmth of Taehyung's hand faded into the hazy, dark gray atmosphere. Jeongguk tilted his head back, feeling the splatter of icey rain water pelt his cheeks. It stung only a little but it was a sting nonethless.

"If only we had music, right?" Taehyung teased. It was a shoddy attempt to ease the tension but it was still an attempt. Although, Jeongguk said nothing, continuing to let the rain drench his clothes and plaster his hair to his forehead.

They were no longer under the protection of the building. They were out by the flower boxes where they went bird watching. Once they were vivid and lively, but now as he stood beside them and studied their appearance, he realized how muted they were. He noticed the droop of their stems, the faded petals, and the fallen, dried leaves pooling at the bottom of the planters.

The plant was dying even though Spring wasn't over. Spring was nowhere finished, and yet these flowers seemed to be trapped in winter.

Jeongguk ripped his gaze away from the planter box and back to where Taehyung stood in front of him. He was soaked, his shirt clinging to his chest, and his silver hair was a dark gray akin to the skies. Taehyung was staring at him, face gaunt and his eyes drowsy. His cheeks and nose were also a bright rosy red.

Jeongguk wondered if he looked the same. Small. Tired. Defeated. But even so, since when did they begin to look like this?

"Wanna dance?" Taehyung offered, his voice nearly drowned out by the pouring rain but it was enough to pull him away from his thoughts.

Jeongguk glanced down at their hands. "Sure," He murmured. "Why not?" He set his crutches on the stone bench beside them, holding onto Taehyung for support.

Once he made sure his crutches wouldn't fall, he let Taehyung draw him close, their chests now pressed against one another. A chill rippled down his spine as he felt Taehyung's hand cup the side of his hip, his grip firm and steady. Peering beneath raindrops caught in between his eyelashes, Jeongguk let his trembling arms snake around Taehyung's shoulders.

This was the closest they've ever been, but even so, were they ever close to begin with? Even though Jeongguk could feel Taehyung against him, it still felt like there was this sort of distance, this gap. He could feel his heart throb against his own, though it was offbeat, always beating a little after his.

It was a weary beat; a beat that didn't match Jeongguk's own.

"You know, we probably look ridiculous to the people up there," Jeongguk murmured in his ear once they began to move, letting out a laugh that sounded more like a pained exhale.

"Who cares?" Taehyung whispered back. "They're probably just jealous."

"Jealous about what?" Jeongguk asked, teeth slightly chattering.

"Jealous they don't get to dance with a pretty boy with pretty brown eyes in a storm."

He sealed his eyelids shut the moment those words left Taehyung's lips, his arms tightening around his shoulders. It sounded so genuine, so raw, and yet Jeongguk couldn't bring himself to enjoy the little flutter in his stomach. Couldn't when his genuine words alienated him in a way that extended that invisible gap between them.

"Really?" Jeongguk breathed, digging his fingers into his own forearms. His skin was cold, icey even. Not even Taehyung was warming him anymore. He wondered if that was meant to happen in the end anyway.

"Really," Taehyung said. They continued to sway in place, their feet never really in sync and neither were their hearts. Their hearts, as it seemed, were beating for different purposes, different reasons. They could never be in synce even if Jeongguk tried his best to imagine it.

"Are you just saying that?" Jeongguk asked, shivering again. This time, it was more violent than the last, and he ended up pressing his body closer to Taehyung.

He held him tighter as if that did anything In fact, in this proximity, he wanted to laugh again at the faux intimacy, the forced genuineness that Taehyung expressed. Their bodies, although pressing up one another's, didn't align despite their heights being similar.

Nothing about them matched up. Not even their stupid tattoos, and he knew that, but why— why didn't he want to accept it?

He already knew the ending as Taehyung carefully spun him and drew him back into him. You couldn't fit two different puzzle pieces together even by sheer force. Same way you couldn't make tangents meet. No matter the shape, the size, the similarities, or the calculations, they weren't meant to touch.

But god, he wanted this to work. He wanted to be selfish, or to find some stupid loophole just so he could feel something. Feel wanted. Feel capable of being loved. And he did. For a little. But now? He wasn't so sure anymore, or if the person he was holding knew either what this was.

Were they making something out of nothing, or was there just nothing there to begin with?

"I mean it," Taehyung said. Jeongguk sighed. Words were merely meaningless syllables when they weren't said to your face.

"Taehyung?" Jeongguk pulled back, forcing himself to meet his gaze. He raised an eyebrow at him, but for some reason his face was a blur. Nothing more, nothing less than a gray haze. He blinked again to see it was the same result. Was it always like this?

"Yeah?" Taehyung murmured, gaze reluctantly meeting his. There was always some of hesitation. Jeongguk wasn't an idiot.

"Do you really mean it?" He repeated with a sense of urgency in between every violent chatter of his teeth. Though he wasn't sure what answer he was searching for.

"Mean what?" Taehyung's eyes flitted down to his lips as Jeongguk leaned forward, his mouth a fragment away from meeting his own. He was torn. Part of him wanted to do it, to feel him again. But the other half knew the truth. Knew this was a desperate attempt to find something.

"Tell me you like me," Jeongguk murmured, his hands finding their way to the side of neck. His fingers splayed over the muscle, his palms stinging feeling the throb of Taehyung's heartbeat beneath his touch. Tell me that we're something.

"I like you," Taehyung answered softly. He said it, and yet he was still holding his breath. It was the answer he wanted, but why? Why did he feel so incomplete? So heavy?

Exhaling unevenly, he pressed his forehead against Taehyung's, feeling his heartbeat falter in the empty cavern of his chest.

"Okay."

"Okay?" The skin between his thick brows creased with confusion. Jeongguk said nothing, instead his fingers cupped either side of Taehyung's jaw and he slowly sealed the distance between them with Taehyung's gaze never once leaving his features but it wasn't the same. It was like he was staring right through him.

Please kiss me back, Jeongguk's mind relentlessly begged as his cold lips trembling against his elicited no spark. To think that the most intimate of things felt nothing more than a generic, meaningless gesture. Fuck. He kissed him harder, begging, heart aching, shattering.

He was reaching for nothing but oh god, how he wished there was just something to save because he swore... he swore there was a spark so where did it go?

Eventually Jeongguk pulled away, letting his forehead rest against Taehyung's and though his shoulders trembled and his mouth parted, no sound escaped his throat. And of course Taehyung said nothing. There wasn't anything to say. No apology. No light joke to ease the mood.

There was nothing, for the answer was already there, evident underneath the gray downpour.

But like the fool he was, Jeongguk still had hope.

at this point, tbp's going to be sad. i've

warned you guys in the beginning that it's

not going to be a happy book. i've tried to

keep it happy as long as possible, but from

here on out, the plot isn't that easy to make

happy without forcing it. if you want to tap

out, that's totally fine. just don't post any

spoilers of tbp anywhere, or say something

that comes across as insensitive & rude (:

thank you and ily you guys 💛