"When I agreed to go, I didn't think we'd end up here." Jeongguk chuckled softly as he leaned his head against the window, peering out at the parking lot surrounding them.

However, it wasn't just any other parking lot.

It was the parking lot of the smoothie place Taehyung brought him to all those months ago.

"Can you tell I panicked?" Taehyung put the car in park.

"A little bit," He breathed out, not willing to admit that he too wasn't exactly too calm about this.

He could feel Taehyung's gaze linger on him, but Jeongguk couldn't bring himself to meet his gaze. If he did, he was sure Taehyung would look away. Call him selfish but he wanted him to look at him again. It had been so long since they were alone together, and part of him wanted to be selfish for a little while longer while he still could.

Even if there wasn't much room in Taehyung's heart for him, he'd take what he could get. But that was the beside the point. They weren't here for some depressing conversation. Hell, Jeongguk had enough of the whole depressing vibe. Not that they could do much to stop it but they could at least try, right?

"So," Jeongguk drummed his fingers over the console, deciding to break the awkward silence for the sake of it. He was a little surprised himself. Even Taehyung's eyebrows shot up briefly at his abruptness. "What now?"

"What now?" Taehyung repeated softly.

"Yeah, you did bring me here with you," Jeongguk pointed out. "Do you really have no plan?"

"Not really," He said sheepishly, averting his gaze to his lap. His lap seemed to be the only thing he was interested in lately. "You?"

"Well, we're outside a smoothie place."

"You want a smoothie?" Taehyung raised an eyebrow at him.

"Do you want a smoothie?" Jeongguk replied carefully.

"Are you reverse psychology-ing me into getting a smoothie with you?" Taehyung asked in disbelief, a hint of teasing in his tone. And while it was enough to make Jeongguk's flutter, he bit it back with a small smile.

"Give me a sec," He said, opening the door and snagging his crutches from the back seat.

"Woah— wait. You sure you should be doing this?" Taehyung's eyes splayed wide as Jeongguk tried his best to get out of his car as gracefully as he could with this sudden burst of energy. He nodded, brows drawing together in deep focus while he inched his way out.

"No objections," Jeongguk said, a bit out of breath when he finally managed to get out of Taehyung's car. He was staring at him now, the surprise in his features softening to something else. Something that made Jeongguk's heart skip a beat (in a totally safe way don't worry).

"You're something else, Jeon," Taehyung shook his head, leaning back into his seat with that same, stupid smile on his lips.

Jeongguk turned away and fought the grin twitching over his mouth. There was no way he regretted this if it meant getting to see him genuinely smile like that all over again.

It didn't take long for him to come back. There wasn't a lot of people at the shop (thank god), so he was able to get their order fast. When their order was done, he slowly made his way back to Taehyung's car. This time, he helped him in, saving him the extra awkwardness of trying to fit his way back into his seat.

"Here you go," Jeongguk breathed out, watching Taehyung adjust in his seat after slamming his own door shut. Taehyung thanked him quietly, and fuck, their fingers brushed for a fleeting second.

Jeongguk gulped, hand snaking away quickly, and thankfully Taehyung didn't notice. His attention was fixed on his bright orange smoothie, but that was okay. He'd rather Taehyung comment on the absurd color of his drink instead of the faint, red, hot blush seeping over Jeongguk's cheeks.

"Creamsicle," Taehyung said. "You remembered." His voice dropped to a whisper, but Jeongguk was lucky enough to catch it.

"Yeah, I did," Jeongguk scratched the side of his neck, shyly glancing down at his banana smoothie. "I remembered it."

"You know how to make me feel better," Taehyung chuckled lightly, taking a sip though his eyes never left Jeongguk's.

"I try," He murmured, twirling his straw, trying hard to maintain eyecontact but fuck— his gaze was incredibly intense and Jeongguk's heart couldn't really take this. "You deserve it though."

"I deserve it?" Taehyung arched an eyebrow at him.

"Well, yeah," Jeongguk snorted, trying to play it off. He rolled his eyes, forcing himself to ignore how his heart roared in his ears, making him aware he was alive whether he liked it or not. But since it was Taehyung he didn't mind it. Didn't mind being alive. Didn't mind feeling this incredible euphoria.

"You're always there for me," Jeongguk stammered softly. His cheeks were basically on fire. "It's only fair someone's there for you too."

"You sure you want to be that person?" Taehyung asked wryly.

"I want to try," He shrugged, swallowing thickly. He willed himself to meet his gaze, even if his heart was throbbing uncontrollably and the flutter in his stomach left his stomach in giddy shambles.

"I want to try to be that person."

"Wow," Taehyung's Adam's apple bobbed nervously in the hollow of his throat. "That's a first."

"A first?" Jeongguk's brows furrowed, his shoulders slumping. Taehyung nodded.

"The first time someone's meant it," He said bluntly, smiling wistfully before taking another long sip of his ugly orange drink. Oh. Oh.

"Are you really okay?" Jeongguk asked.

"Are we ever truly okay?" Taehyung murmured.

"No," Jeongguk replied, finally calming down. "Not really. Not completely."

"That's right," He hummed, leaning back in his chair and facing straight ahead, teeth gnawing on his straw. "We'll never be complete if you think hard about it. Does that idea scare you?"

"Well, a lot of things scare me," Jeongguk scoffed. "I just don't have the time to dwell on it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be in a fucking pit of snakes anytime soon."

"Snakes? Jeon, really?" Taehyung snorted, shoulders shaking as he let out a gentle laugh.

"What?" Jeongguk frowned. "Snakes are horrifying."

"You're afraid of snakes. That's the same energy as saying I'm afraid of cookies."

"Cookies?" His nose wrinkled. Taehyung rolled his eyes and reached over to smack the back of his elbow that was perched on the console.

"I don't know," He said. "My head's mush. I feel like mush."

"So you decide to engage in philosophical conversation?" Jeongguk didn't know where this was going.

"I took a philosophy class once," Taehyung ignored him. He seemed fixated on his drink, the edge of his index finger catching droplets of perspiration building on the side of his cup. "Wanted to sound all smart and sophisticated and shit, but then I ended up doing a ton of busy work about useless, complicated crap that made my brain hurt."

"In conclusion, I am still incredibly fucking stupid."

"Well, you are sometimes but not all the time," He said. "Tae, are you okay?" He repeated this time with a little more of a push. Taehyung shrugged yet again, carding his free hand through his tangled hair.

"I'm fine. I-I just— I don't know," He sniffled. "I'm not crying." He added quickly after, "It's allergies."

"You don't need to clarify that," Jeongguk sighed.

"Felt like I had to."

"You do you."

"But to answer your question again with some due consideration," Taehyung continued, "I am not. I don't think I am. I just feel incomplete. And I feel like mush." He sniffled again and muttered a soft 'allergies' for clarification.

"I'm sorry about that." The words slipped past his lips before he could stop himself. Jeongguk winced, cursing his inability to comfort people. Luckily, Taehyung didn't seem to mind or care. But was he really lucky if he acted that way?

Was this little spontaneous trip a cry for help? He wasn't quite sure. Jeongguk wasn't really an expert in that department. Whenever someone cried or poured their heart to him, he'd zone out halfway and say something along the lines of "that sucks" before changing the topic.

He didn't know how Taehyung did it. Being there for people wasn't an easy task. It was difficult to tell if you were actually comforting someone or making them feel more shitty. But Jeongguk wanted to try, even if there was a chance he'd fail because Kim Taehyung was different. He didn't want to change the topic or give some crappy, generic condolences because he mattered to him.

Everything about him did. Kim Taehyung didn't deserve anything less, and even though Jeongguk would never be enough, he wanted to give him something. Something was better than nothing.

And right now, by the looks of it, Taehyung had nothing.

"Me too," Taehyung whispered after some time, voice thick and heavy. "I'm sorry about it too."

Jeongguk studied Taehyung closely, noticing his eyes were rimmed with red and his nose was splotched with a similar color. He wondered if he was the type to cry, and if he was, he didn't seem too proud about it. He watched as Taehyung swiped at his eyes with the back of his palm, his breath coming out in staggered exhales.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He suggested softly.

"What's there to talk about? My shitty girlfriend? My mom leaving my dad for some young, rich asshole without a reason? Or the fact I haven't been able to sleep in weeks?" Taehyung spat out, bitterness lacing his every word.

Jeongguk's voice got trapped inside of his throat. Another reminder that he never truly knew him, but he decided to cast that thought aside.

"Taehyung," Jeongguk started, but he was instantly interrupted as Taehyung shot up in his seat. Though it wasn't long until he put his drink in the cup holder and leaned forward, burying his face behind his arms on his steering wheel.

He turned his head to the side, leaving Jeongguk to stare at his mane of unruly silver hair. "I-I'm tired. I'm sorry for even dragging you out here."

"You sure you don't want to talk?" He offered.

"I don't wanna burden you Jeon," Taehyung stressed, words trembling. "My problems? I have all the time to sort them out. I-I can't just hand them to you when you don't have that. It's not fair to you, and I-I don't wanna waste—,"

"Woah," Jeongguk cut him off. "You didn't waste my time at all." Taehyung craned his neck to meet his gaze, the pain evident in his dark eyes.

"I didn't? Are you sure?" He whispered. Jeongguk shook his head, reaching over and placing his hand on his warm back, chest squeezing at the heat that seeped onto his ice cold palm.

"If you did, we wouldn't even be friends," He joked, hoping it was enough to ease Taehyung just a little. Perhaps even make him smile. At that, Taehyung's nose scrunched and he hid his face again, shaking his head.

"That's right," Taehyung chuckled, though the sound was hollow. Empty. "You're right."

"I'm here for you, y'know," Jeongguk cleared his throat, unsure what to do with hand now that it was on Taehyung's back. "Same way you were there for me. I just... I just want you to know that."

Taehyung sniffled yet again, "I appreciate it." He managed to lift his head and flash him a trembling smile. "Thanks."

"No problem," He said, deciding it was best to pull his hand away. Taehyung eventually sat up and stared out the window where the skies above them have darkened, a cluster of gray clouds littering the sky.

Neither of them said a word, and Jeongguk wasn't sure if the lack of answers or an actual conversation that wasn't just jokes was a problem. It was like Taehyung swept it under the rug all over again as though his emotions didn't matter. But at the same time, he felt like he was teasing him, allowing him to foolishly believe he could get the chance to know him only for him to snatch that opportunity away without any remorse.

There was a gap between them, Jeongguk thought. A gap he couldn't cross because Taehyung simply wouldn't let him over.

Jeongguk supposed it was stupid of him to even think like that. Taehyung choosing not to confide in him was valid— it was his decision after all. And yet, his chest ached for a completely different reason. Something he couldn't quite name dug into his heart. It kept digging and digging until it pierced the muscle, and it wasn't long until he sunk into his seat, suddenly feeling small. Unwelcomed.

The bucketlist they made was merely a paper bridge.

But before he could dive further into the mess of his mind, Taehyung nudged his side.

"Look," He said calmly. "It's about to pour." Right as the words escaped past his lips, the trickle of rain splattering the windshield suddenly pelted against the glass with thick thuds.

"Great," Jeongguk said dryly, throat incredibly tight. Taehyung didn't reply. Instead, his hand found its way to the gear. "Hey. What are you doing?" He asked, confused.

"Going somewhere," Taehyung murmured back, bringing his hand behind Jeongguk's chair and quickly looked out the rear window.

"Where? Stop being vague," Jeongguk snapped, though there wasn't any bite to it. It sounded more tired. Dejected.

"We're going to complete your bucketlist," He answered, returning back to his position. "You wanted to dance in the rain, right?"

"Yeah but," Jeongguk immediately shut his mouth when his gaze met Taehyung's. There wasn't anything wrong, but as much as he wanted to continue on the topic he knew it was best to drop it.

"Fine, let's complete it," He gave in, shrinking once more.

"Great!" The enthusiasm in Taehyung's voice could have sounded genuine if only he was an idiot. "Let's go do that then."

You're really not going to tell me anything, huh? Jeongguk pressed the side of his head against his window, letting out a heavy sigh. It wasn't just Taehyung who was feeling like mush anymore.

pretty bittersweet am i right?

love you guys and thank you

for sticking around (: 💛