Kissing your friend wasn't as monumental as other stories made it out to be.

There wasn't any fireworks, or a dramatic cutscene with Jeongguk and Taehyung professing their love for each other. Not that it was love, because it really wasn't. Jeongguk might have done something stupid, but he wasn't a complete idiot.

It was nothing like that but it was still something. And that— that was the issue.

But even so, the only thing that was true was the fact his chest was in knots and he felt like throwing up his organs. Was it because he was terminally sick, or the fact he was pretty drunk? Who knows. Anyway, that was about it. Not a lot happened on the drive back home, or well, Jeongguk couldn't put together much; he was heavily lacking in sobriety.

He could conclude that neither one of them spoke a word— a record for both of them— and when they drove back to Jeongguk's house, the two of them continued to break records and sat in complete and utter silence. Taehyung didn't look at him, but perhaps that was warranted; he kinda did just kiss him out of nowhere.

"Are you not gonna help me inside?" His tongue was loose, a bit more than usual. Was he shit-faced just yet? Jeongguk wasn't too sure. Maybe he was.

"I'm thinking," Taehyung muttered, running his palms down his face and letting out a heavy sigh.

"You're actually talking," Jeongguk pointed out, sinking back into his seat. "If you were thinking, you'd be silent."

"But you asked me a question."

"You're further proving my point."

"God you're drunk," Taehyung muttered, finally looking at him with tired eyes. "Fine, I'll bring you in."

"No goodnight kiss?" He teased, reaching over and weakly punching Taehyung's shoulder. He did not look amused.

"Jeongguk, I'm not gay," Taehyung said solemnly.

It should have hurt when he said that, but at this point, Jeongguk was just an empty void. Nothing really landed like it should. Was it a perk of being drunk? Perhaps. At least he could laugh this off, even though the truth was prying into his drunken mind, and the knot in his chest was working its way up his throat.

Taehyung wasn't gay. Jeongguk wasn't either last time he checked. And yet, he kissed a dude with a girlfriend all because he felt something. How special. Everything was going so, so wrong, and yet, all he could do was laugh.

He snorted, hitting him again, "And? Me either. I just kissed you because I told you— I felt something."

"You felt what exactly?" He raised an eyebrow at him.

"Something!" Jeongguk shrugged. "Isn't that enough of an answer?"

"Dear god, Jeon. You don't just kiss somebody because you felt something," Taehyung frowned, sitting up in his seat. "There's consequences. You need to be thinking and be—,"

"—Since when did you care about being responsible?" He shot back. Before Jeongguk could reply, his attention caught the little cactus dangling from Taehyung's rearview mirror.

"Woah!" He gasped, reaching over and unhooking the little trinket off, completely missing how Taehyung froze beside him. "This is one sexy cactus. Now that I look at it, it's kinda snazzy."

"Jeongguk, put it back," Taehyung said, voice strained.

"Why? It's cute," He ran his thumb over the smiley face. "Where'd you get it?"

"You don't need to know," He said curtly.

"Was it from her?"

"The cactus?" Jeongguk nodded. Taehyung shook his head, shoving his fingers through his hair. "Yeah. It was." He said tiredly.

"It was a gift for our three month anniversary."

Jeongguk tried to ignore the way his heart stung at the way Taehyung's voice softened whenever he spoke about her. Now that he thought about it, he always spoke about her like that. He described her like a force, a whole storm, and yet he spoke of her like she was some...cute fucking cat. Well, you get the point.

"Fantastic," Jeongguk muttered, staring down at the cactus that was now on his lap, cradled between his palms. "Very fantastic, Mr. I'm-so-Responsible."

"It's not like I want to be a douche, Jeon," Taehyung murmured. "I'm being responsible only because it's you."

"That's not a good enough of a reason either," He mocked him in a nasally tone. Taehyung rolled his eyes.

"Jeongguk, we can't have this conversation. If you're gonna have some sudden gay revelation, or epiphany this isn't the time for it," He tried to reason with him. Or, well, as best as he could reason with a drunk person.

"Oh my god. You know what would be funny?" Jeongguk ignored him, ignored the ache in his heart and the way his lungs wrapped around his ribs because he was right. Of course he was right.

"What if I suddenly had a gay crisis right now and acted on some internalized homophobia I didn't know I had? Not that I am homophobic, 'cuz I'm not. Just to spice shit up, y'know?"

"You don't have the time for a sexuality crisis."

"That is correct," Jeongguk nodded, swallowing thickly as he forced out a weary, trembling smile. "I do not, but I can pretend."

"Why would you want to pretend? That's horrible," Taehyung made a face. At that, he shrugged, a proper answer becoming mush on his tongue.

"We can't do this while you're drunk," Eventually, Taehyung whispered, and Jeongguk knew he had to give this up— to give him up. But part of him didn't want to let go just yet, as selfish as it was.

"I am sober sir," Jeongguk chuckled underneath his breath. Taehyung sighed roughly and got out. He watched through heavy lids as Taehyung shut his door just to open the one on Jeongguk's side.

"Get out," Taehyung ordered calmly. "And put the cactus back."

"What if I don't want to?" He said, craning his neck to look up at him. Jeongguk immediately regretted doing so, stomach doing all sorts of flips to see how the moonlight made Taehyung all ethereal and pretty. Since when were boys pretty? Boys like Taehyung, to be specific.

"You don't want Sae seeing you like this," He shot back impatiently.

"Is that really the truth?" Jeongguk forced a smile, watching as the scowl on Taehyung's lips shift into this look of confusion he really wished he didn't have to look at. He didn't say anything, leaving Jeongguk's chest all heavy and his heart a beating mess. His silence was enough of an answer for him.

"Alright," Jeongguk let out an empty laugh and returned the cactus back over the mirror. Taehyung stepped back, immediately reaching over to catch him as Jeongguk stumbled into his arms.

"You should let me go," Jeongguk murmured, lips hovering over Taehyung's ear, his intoxicated state not the only thing making his head spin.

"You're gonna hurt yourself," Taehyung whispered back, shutting the door behind him with his foot. "I can't."

"And what if I want to?"

"Stop with the stupid philosophical, quirky shit, Jeon. I'm taking you to the door and you better drag yourself to bed." The exhaustion was evident in his voice.

"You don't have to," Jeongguk got to his feet and pushed him off of him, forcing himself to look anywhere but his eyes. If anything, that was the part that hurt the most, and he didn't know why it did.

Was this rejection? Jeongguk wasn't unfamiliar with it. All the girls he fooled around with in the past weren't always willing to stay around. And even if it was rejection, it shouldn't have stung this bad. His heart shouldn't have felt like it was being shredded to pieces, and the nauseating gurgling in his stomach was probably because he drank too much but it still left him feeling like shit.

This entire night was shit.

"Jeongguk," Taehyung called after him, breath coming out in a cloud of white smoke as he stood back and watched Jeongguk stumble toward his front door. "Let me help you."

"Goodnight Taehyung," He waved over his shoulder, and luckily before he could fall over, he made it to the door. Absolutely refusing to look behind him, he fumbled with the key code until it whirred open and unlocked, a wave of sobreity washing over his sagging figure. Unfortunately, he could still feel Taehyung's eyes on him.

"Just forget it okay? Forget what I did." Jeongguk cleared his throat, hating how Taehyung's intense stares were practically burning holes into the back of his neck. He wasn't sure if he meant it but he said it anyway. It could've been damage control.

When Taehyung said nothing, he inhaled sharply, shoved his fingers through his sweaty hair, and added, "Please."

"Goodnight Jeongguk." Taehyung said after some time, and when Jeongguk did gather the courage to look behind him, he was already gone.

"If you're feeling light-headed, here," Sae sat down across from Jeongguk, handing him a box of apple juice and a granola bar after giving the bag of his blood to a nearby nurse.

"Thanks," He murmured, taking it. "Can you remind me again why you're drawing my blood? Don't you have other things to do, like surgeries?" Jeongguk raised an eyebrow at her as he poked his straw into the carton.

"Well, first, I think I'm pretty qualified to," Sae teased, lightly tossing her head back in laughter when Jeongguk glared at her. "And second, I wanted to spend time with you before my lap chole. It's my fifth one today, so can you blame me for wanting to see you instead of some stranger's gullbladder?"

He made a disgusted face, "You have a point."

Sae chuckled softly and patted his knee. "I'd pick you over anyone's gullbladder, kid."

"Well, duh. You should. I'm a person. A gullbladder is a fucking organ," Jeongguk's brows furrowed. "If not, then you have a problem."

"Right, I would," Sae nodded along, unable to hide the smile playing at her lips. Eventually, she turned her swivel chair toward the laptop perched over a portable table tray, leaving Jeongguk to munch on his snacks quietly.

He watched her while she worked, teeth gnawing absentmindedly on his straw. Sae always insisted on doing her work with Jeongguk around. Even though they would rarely talk, she wouldn't let him go until she decided she'd spent sufficient time with him.

It was a little ridiculous at the beginning of his diagnosis, but the further they approached his due date, he could understand why she did what she did. And of course, he appreciated it— how couldn't he? Time was crucial. Plus it was Sae. He was grateful for everything about her.

So grateful, that as he sat there, counting the days, the months he had left, he realized he'd miss her. A lot.

Jeongguk didn't like thinking about leaving, but after the drunken events that happened a few nights ago, the idea trampled over the majority of his thoughts and for some reason he couldn't escape it. There was so much to do before he left. So much to say, to show. Part of him was worried about doing the wrong thing because god, dying people didn't have the time to sort out grudges.

It wasn't like Sae would hold one against him anyway. When he messed up, he'd make her mad of course, but that was about it. She was forgiving and loving so it was easy to love her. Therefore, it made it equally harder to leave and easier to miss her.

But what caught him off guard was how his mind eventually drifted to Taehyung. Grudges. Would he hold a grudge? Judging by how he let his girlfriend push him around, he seemed forgiving, right? But what he did that night— was that worth forgiving?

He sunk back into his chair, staring at the blinding light overhead and chewed lazily on granola. Would Taehyung forgive him? Probably. He could use the excuse that he was drunk, and perhaps Taehyung would take it and call it a day.

However, while an excuse could earn someone's forgiveness, it did nothing in filling the empty void replacing the contents of Jeongguk's stomach. It did absolutely nothing in erasing the something that he felt, that lingered in the back of his mind and formed itself into tiny, forbidden butterflies inside of his gut whenever Taehyung looked this way.

Jeongguk hadn't felt like this in so long, it was almost foreign to him; a pitiful joke that fate shoved into his arms. It was a joke because it wasn't love. It was enough to be something. A stupid, fleeting feeling he couldn't label because this was hard and unknown; he knew it wasn't right.

And yet, it still fucking pulled him apart trying to figure this out.

"Hey Sae," He said without thinking, the question slipping past his lips before he could filter it. "Have you ever met any terminally ill patients who fell in love with someone before they died?"

Sae turned her attention toward him, eyes slightly wide. Jeongguk prepared an apology, some sort of diversion to change the topic, but Sae was already opening her mouth to answer. Shit.

"Well, I've met patients who needed serious, risky surgeries. They had loved ones by their side on the last few days before the procedure, and some of them were aware they weren't going to make so. I think that counts," She answered carefully. "Why?"

"I dunno," Jeongguk said honestly, guessing there was no way out of this. And plus it wasn't like Sae would assume it was about Taehyung. Hell, he doubted she knew he was even into guys. "I was just wondering."

"Wondering about what?" Suddenly the words were jammed in his throat now that Sae was facing him completely, her attention focused on him. Fuck.

With a heavy exhale, he hesitantly said, "If it's worth it making those type of connections— y'know, romantic connections— when you know you're going to leave."

"Is this about you?" She asked, eyes narrowing at him. Jeongguk immediately shot up in his seat, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to argue, but Sae merely waved him off, "Take it easy kid. Even if it is about you, I wanna know."

"It's not though," Jeongguk swallowed thickly, letting Sae's gentle hand push him back down into his chair. His head was already fuzzy. Bad move. "I just want to hear your opinion on it." He added in a whisper.

"My opinion?" He nodded. "I don't know. You know me. I like to think realistically. It's the same thing I told you about college: why pursue something when you know you can't finish it to the end, right?" He nodded again.

Sae inhaled sharply, "But with relationships, I feel it's a different case. Same reasoning applies, but I don't think it's fair to keep yourself from making meaningful connections while you're dying. Dying sucks already, so dying alone would just be even more sucky. Having someone there would make it more bearable."

"But when you leave them, wouldn't that be unfair?" Jeongguk asked, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

"Life isn't fair, Gguks," Sae chuckled softly. "But we do deserve love— every kind of it. Dying people aren't any different."

"I know that, but like, I feel it'd just be bad. For everyone. It'd make dying suck, and it'd make the people you left behind feel really, really sad." He was sure he sounded stupid, but when Sae reached over and placed her hand on his knee, his chest eased a little.

"I know, kid. Everytime I tell myself I'd be fine, I know I wouldn't," She squeezed his knee, the sad smile she wore making Jeongguk's heart sink. "But that's life, like I said. It's unfair and sad and horrible, but I'm glad I got to be your parent, you know? I'm focusing on the now, and not the later. We'll face that together when it comes, but Gguk— sadness does pass."

"You don't sound too sure," Jeongguk joked, though his voice was awfully brittle and his words nearly fell apart toward the end. Sae laughed again, the sound empty, strained.

"There's just some things you can't be 100% sure about, but you can work your way there," Sae shrugged, patting his knee. "But anyway, back to your question. I think it's worth it."

"Really?" Jeongguk's brows bunched together. He eyed her skeptically, only to be given an eye roll.

"Yeah, really. If this does apply to you, I know you're responsible enough to know where to draw the line," Sae said.

Draw the line? Jeongguk chewed on his bottom lip, knowing at this point, that wasn't possible. Little did she know, the line was already crossed. Horribly crossed. This was incredibly complicated, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that when he himself wasn't sure if this was something could be more. If there was a possibility it could even be more at this point.

"I just want you to be happy," Sae scooted over and ruffled his hair. Jeongguk yelped and swatted her away, a small smile finding its place over his lips as Sae's sweet laughter filled their cubicle. "I love you."

"I love you too," He said back, though in the back of his mind, he was still unfortunately lost. And when Sae turned her back on him once more, the smile on his lips faded.

Facing Taehyung wasn't going to be easy.

didn't wanna leave you guys on

a cliffhanger so i left you with

another one (: haha you're welcome &

know i love you guys lots 💛