Jeongguk wasn't a stranger to the feeling of a hospital bed.

He stirred awake in place, eyes groggy, heavy, and his body aching with exhaustion. He blinked away the weariness, attempting to focus on where he was. Or well, at least attempt to remember how he got here. Jeongguk glanced down at the IV taped to his arm, and as he reached up to itch his mouth, his fingers bumped against a plastic oxygen mask.

Jeez. What happened last night?

All he remembered was going out with Taehyung to see the city at night, and while bits and pieces of his memory were still trickling into his conscious, he supposed he passed out. However, passing out for him wasn't exactly the best case scenario.

Well shit. That wasn't supposed to happen at all.

However, before he could press the handy button to call a nurse, he heard footsteps approaching his door over the robotic whirs of machinery calculating most of his vitals. Jeongguk leaned back into his pillow, sucking in a shaky breath as he forced his eyelids to fall shut. And as if on cue, the door swung open.

"You're lucky he didn't die last night." Sae. That was her voice. She didn't sound too happy. Of course she didn't— he must've pissed her off.

"I said I'm sorry." Hold on. Taehyung? Why was he here?

"What you two did last night was extremely irresponsible, Taehyung." Namjoon, too? "Jeongguk isn't a typical patient."

"I-I didn't know ma'am. I-I'm sorry," Taehyung sounded small, defeated. Jeongguk's fingers curled into fists at his sides. He wasn't sure if he wanted to see his face if it wasn't harboring that usually, shit-eating grin. "He didn't tell me any—,"

"—Of course he wouldn't tell you anything!" Sae's voice boomed, silencing him and even the monitors for a second that lasted for what felt like eons.

"I allowed you two to go out, live life, and be responsible. What I didn't ask was for you to kill my nephew faster."

"Dr. Jeon," Namjoon stepped in. "I think that's enough. You should calm down."

"How can I "calm down" when Jeongguk, who's basically my son, nearly died last night?" She shrieked, her voice trembling. "Do you not know how terrified I was to see that he wasn't in his room? All night, I was afraid, wondering where he went because he didn't even bother to call me."

The room fell silent, all except for each heavy drag of Sae's breath overlapping with the occasional drip of the liquid IV. He could picture her behind the darkness of his eyelids: her disheveled graying hair toppling out of her ponytail, the worn-out creases on her face, and the glossed-over look in her dark eyes whenever Jeongguk did something dangerous.

He always hated seeing her that way. Hurt, well-spent. Every time he hurt her, a part of him would ache, and while nothing about that has changed, this time was a bit different.

Usually, he'd regret it. He'd regret hurting Sae or making her worry. Maybe he was a little shithead for not feeling guilty this time around, but last night was worth it. He needed last night as risky as it was, and yet, as much as he wanted to defend Taehyung, the words were lodged in his throat. Stuck. Far from reach. Out of his power.

So many things left him powerless, but in this moment, he couldn't just give up anymore.

"I'm sorry," Taehyung repeated softly, voice so soft it was almost lost in the denseness of the atmosphere. "I-It won't happen again."

"It better not," Sae sneered. "He has a fever and he's exhausted to top it all off. But even so, it could've been worse. Jeongguk's immune system can't fight Seoul as well as your's can."

"I know," Taehyung said underneath his breath.

"If you knew then you would've known that he could have died in your arms."

"Sae, I think that's enough," Namjoon said. "He's twenty. He gets it. No need to make him feel anymore guilty than he already is."

"I- just. God, don't do it again. You're both old enough to understand you can't take risks like this. You know the status quo. You know the agenda," She stressed.

"You both got extremely lucky last night."

"Jeon Sae," Namjoon repeated in that same tone, but he could hear the slight irritance lining his words. "I think that's enough."

"No, it's fine," Taehyung whispered. "I-I should've known better. It's my fault. I'll take responsibility for all of this— it won't happen again. I'll stop and—."

"—Don't."

The words tumbled out from Jeongguk's mouth before he could stop them. When his eyelids fluttered open, his gaze fell on Taehyung, who looked like a completely wreck. He was still in last night's clothes, hair an even bigger tangled mess that flopped over his eyes, and god— those dark circles. Since when did he have dark circles?

"Don't," Jeongguk licked his dry lips, struggling to join the right words together. "It's not his fault."

"Jeongguk," Sae rushed to his side. "Rest, kid. You had it rough last night."

"I'm fine," Jeongguk swatted her hand away, ignoring the hurt that flashed over her features. It sure stung— he wasn't heartless— but he couldn't let Taehyung take the blame. "I made him stay out. It wasn't his fault, Sae."

"Jeongguk—," Taehyung started, but Jeongguk simply looked his way, begging him silently to stay put. He had to stick up for him. He had to do this. A minute passed, and soon enough, Taehyung shrunk back in place next to Namjoon's side.

"I wanted to stay out late," Jeongguk said, finding his voice over the dryness in his throat. "I-I lost track of time Sae, and believe me, I didn't want to worry you but last night... last night was great."

"You almost died," Sae deadpanned, ready to argue, but Jeongguk reached over and laced their fingers together, staring right at her. Her eyes were glossy, rimmed with red. Any second now she would be crying more tears over him. Because of him.

His heart ached, the crevice in his chest cracking apart even further as he squeezed his hand, "Sae, I know this might sound dumb, but I liked last night. I really did. It was fun, and I felt like I was living."

Something unfamiliar flashed over Sae's eyes, "You felt like what?"

"I f-felt normal last night," Jeongguk admitted bashfully, knowing he had no choice but to say the truth. Though there was no way he could meet Taehyung's eye right now; his ego couldn't take that much of a blow just yet.

"Even if I almost died, at least I didn't almost die stuck in here," He let out an empty laugh, which was honestly a shitty attempt to lighten the mood.

"That's not funny," Sae bit down on her lip, her grip on his hand tightening. "You're not funny."

"I'm okay," Jeongguk whispered, "I'm alive. I'm still here." At that, Sae hunched toward him, bringing his hand to her lips as her tiny shoulders began to visibly tremble.

"I was so worried," Sae murmured thickly. "I was so, so scared. Y-You have to tell me next time."

"I will," He said. "I promise. Next time."

"You better," She whipped her head up to meet his gaze, and thankfully replacing her frown was a shaky, tight-lipped smile. "You fucking better, kid."

"We're glad you're still here, but it doesn't hurt to continue being cautious," Namjoon said, gaining both of the Jeons' attention. Jeongguk briefly met his eye, only to get a small grin in return. When he looked over at Taehyung, he noticed he was staring hard at the floor.

What in the world was going through your head?

"He's right," Sae wiped away one of the stray tears trickling down her cheek. Jeongguk averted his attention back to her, only to be met with a shaky frown. "Be careful. Don't die on me this early."

"I don't plan to," Jeongguk chuckled. I don't want to. "I'll be fine."

"I hate to break the moment, but Dr. Jeon. I believe you have some prior engagements to sort through now that Jeongguk's back," Namjoon spoke up. All three of them turned their gazes to the doctor.

"Oh, yeah. Correct," Sae released his hand after giving it a final squeeze. "I-I have to start working on your tests, and my other patients. But god, I want to stay with you longer—,"

"—I'll be fine," Jeongguk repeated. Sae's chest rose. He watched her shoulders fall, a tired exhale slipping past her lips. "Go save lives."

Sae merely shook her head. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead, her breath trembling and her lips pressing hair against his skin. "I love you, Gguks."

"I love you too," Jeongguk said, waving goodbye as Sae and Namjoon walked out the door, already speaking in a hushed and probably confidential conversation.

When they were gone, it was just Taehyung left. But even so, he still wasn't looking at him. His neck was craned toward the ground, a mop of messy silver hair shielding his eyes away from Jeongguk's field of view. Part of him honestly didn't like seeing Taehyung this way. Reserved. Small. Guilty.

"You know," Jeongguk spoke up, biting at his lip. He inhaled sharply, gathering the courage to say, "You know I'm fine, right? You can look at me."

"I know," Taehyung shot back immediately, his voice small. "I know. I know you're okay."

"Then look at me," He said.

"I-I don't want to."

"Is it because I almost died on you? Is that why?"

Taehyung finally whipped his head up, but Jeongguk immediately regretted asking him to do so. The skin between his brows was furrowed and his sunken-in eyes were narrowed toward him. As Jeongguk studied him closer, he noticed the hint of red lining his eyes and the tremble in his jaw as he clenched his teeth.

"Why are you so nonchalant about this?" Taehyung asked, gesturing at his current state. "You're making jokes about this li-like it's nothing."

Oh, well. He didn't expect that. Jeongguk blinked, "Because it really is nothing." At that, Taehyung scoffed.

"You nearly fucking died Jeon. It's not funny," He managed to keep his voice steady. "I was so worried."

"And now you know I'm fine," Jeongguk retorted. "It was a false alarm."

"A false alarm or not, you scared me!" Taehyung nearly shouted, shaking his hands at him. He stepped back, glancing down at his palms before retracting them back into his jacket pockets.

Jeongguk raised his eyebrows at him, eyes splayed wide. "I... I scared you?" He didn't know how to feel about that— hell, how should he feel about this?

"Yeah, you did. It wasn't funny," Taehyung sniffled. He rubbed the edge of his palm over his eyes, a trembling breath slipping past his lips. "It wasn't funny holding someone who you thought was fucking dead in your arms, Jeongguk. It wasn't funny at all."

"Well, I'm sorry," He stared at him blankly.

"That's it?" Taehyung said, the switch in his tone nearly catching Jeongguk off guard. Why did he sound so... bitter? "You're just sorry?"

"Dude, you signed up for this," Jeongguk tried to reason with him. Taehyung shook his head. "You knew what you were signing up for."

"God," He said sourly. "Now you sound like your aunt."

"But it's true," He scoffed. "You know I'm going to die. If you can't handle that, then why are you here?"

"I wanted to be your friend," Taehyung muttered.

"And you are," Jeongguk said sarcastically. "But I'm not gonna stick around for forever, Tae. This is the beginning of the end— you know that. This won't be the last time."

"I know but—,"

"—And now you know. Do you still want to be the dying kid's friend now?"

Taehyung said nothing. He crossed his arms over his chest, jaw set and gaze averting back to the floor.

Jeongguk didn't know why he was getting so worked up. The swell in his chest, and the anger throbbing at the back of his brain— this shouldn't have been an argument; it wasn't part of his plan, but then again, when did he ever have one? He clenched the bedsheets at his sides, willing the fire on his tongue to simmer down before he could speak up once again.

Even if there wasn't a plan, he wasn't going to fight him. This wasn't what he wanted— this wasn't where they were supposed to be, right?

"Fine, if it bothers you that much, I won't joke about dying again when y'know... I'm about to die," Jeongguk muttered.

"Jeongguk, you know that's not the point," Taehyung said softly, so soft it nearly got lost in the rhythmic beep of Jeongguk's vitals monitor.

"Then what?" He asked, throat drying up when he realized Taehyung was stepping backward toward the door. "What if I don't know?"

"I care about you," Taehyung said, hand already on the doorhandle. "And right now, I almost lost you. I think— I think I need some time."

"Time," He whispered, the words ghosting over his tongue. "We don't have that."

"I know," He said, door already opened, "but give me some time to... digest this." Taehyung gestured

between them. Without another word, he tipped his chin toward him and left.

Jeongguk didn't like the idea of this. When he was gone, he stared blankly at the spot Taehyung once occupied, mind a flurry of thoughts of nothing and everything. He swallowed dryly, fingers trembling as he leaned back into his pillow. He didn't get it, didn't get him, or well, he did to a degree.

It was hard. It was hard being friends with someone whose life was going to end at any given time. But even so, as Jeongguk lied there, gaze averted to the empty ceiling, chest hollow and teeth biting down on his bottom lip, he selfishly wished that Taehyung would have stayed.

It was so selfish, but Taehyung said he would stay. He believed him, he really did, and now what was there to believe when Taehyung left? Sure, maybe he needed time to digest, but what would happen after that?

Maybe this was it: the goodbye before anything could have happened. Maybe he realized how difficult it was, how being Jeongguk's friend would hurt more than it should.

As much as Jeongguk wanted to accept this, he couldn't. He squeezed the blankets until he could feel the tip of his nails dig into his palm. He willed his eyes shut, exhaling shakily as his lips pulled into a crumpled smile. It was so easy to see the signs when people wanted to leave; Jeongguk could spot them walking out before they even opened the door.

And yet, he couldn't picture Taehyung. He didn't want to accept it, couldn't visualize him walking out on him simply because—

Simply because he didn't want him to leave just yet.

The only good thing left in his life, he couldn't let go just yet. Taehyung had to come back. As dangerous as it was to wish for silly things like this, Jeongguk wanted nothing more for him to be here; to come back.

Please, he thought, come back.

Taehyung wasn't there the next day.

Or the day after. Then the next.

One week later, and he still hadn't seen him.

At first, Jeongguk wasn't too worried. Taehyung was a big boy (somehow), and he thought the guy would eventually shoot him a text. Even Namjoon wasn't too worried either when he ran into him on the third day Taehyung was missing, assuring Jeongguk that he was probably just busy with school.

It made sense. Jeongguk knew Taehyung was still a student of all things, and that beyond the hospital setting, he was fortunate to have a life that didn't involve bland, sterilized rooms and an assortment of medical tests that poked and prodded at him every other day.

He would be stupid to think Taehyung would spend all of his time at a hospital. If he had the choice, he would do anything to be out of here for more than a day or so. With that, it made sense why Taehyung wasn't there.

But when Taehyung didn't show up for an entire week, he knew something had to be up. He missed the Thursday meeting, missed the days they were supposed to be working on the bucketlist. He didn't even text him. It was like he was just gone.

And as much as Jeongguk tried to act like it wasn't bothering him, he couldn't. It did bother him.

His whereabouts lingered in the back of his mind, picking at his thoughts all throughout the day as he lounged about Sae's office. He no longer found any fun in making paper airplanes and throwing them at the ceiling or spinning aimlessly in her chair like he used to. Like he did before he knew Taehyung.

Time dragged in the worse kind of way. The way where dread gnawed away at Jeongguk's finger nails and boredom felt strangely claustrophobic. His stomach churned with every single day that passed, knowing that the message he sent that was still yet to be read.

It was weird worrying like this for a person that was a hundred percent capable of looking after himself. Plus he wasn't much of a worry-wart, so all of this was weirdly new. He didn't even worry this much about Sae— it was stupid. Very stupid.

But Jeongguk would admit, as stupid as it was, it also sucked. He couldn't help but feel like he was missing something, like a part of his day was stolen from him, and no matter how hard he tried to search for it, he couldn't find it.

What shocked him the most was how he suddenly found lingering around Sae's office a greater waste of time than it usually was, and no matter how hard he tried to fall back into his usually routine, it was strange. Sitting in her chair left a bitter stain on his tongue, one that he couldn't ignore, and the paper he would fold into shitty planes were shoved aside, unfinished, no longer in his interest to complete.

Was this what Eunhwa meant? That it'd feel like a waste of the time when the person who pushed to stay finally left you?

Well, It wasn't like Taehyung was leaving him. And Taehyung didn't mean anything like that to him. He was just busy. Oh, and he was also being a bitch for not texting him. But... it still felt shitty. There was no denying this was just all-around shitty.

And yet, there was nothing he could do about it.

"No Taehyung again today?" Sae glanced over at Jeongguk as she shut the car door behind her.

"Yup," Jeongguk was standing adjacent from her, debating to go to another floor and kill time there for today. It would be a change of scenery, even if he wasn't going to do much there. "Nothing."

"Awh, I'm sorry about that," Sae sighed, adjusting her collar. "Have you given him a call?"

"He didn't pick up," Jeongguk fiddled with his hoodie string, trying to hide the annoyance in his tone. He ended up failing when Sae gave him that unfortunate, sad parent look.