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"So, uh, the gas is on the right and the brake is on the left. Please don't step on the gas or else we're fucked," Taehyung said as Jeongguk tried not to die in the driver's seat.

"Jeon," He sighed. "If you're not ready, it's alright. You've been shaking for like the last few minutes."

"Shaking? Me?" Jeongguk shuddered right as those words left his mouth. Taehyung raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not shaking! I'm fine! Really, really fine."

"You're nervous aren't you."

"Who said I'm nervous?"

"You're fucking vibrating right now. You're basically subliming in your seat," Taehyung jutted his chin toward him. Jeongguk opened his mouth to argue, but—

"—Don't tell me you're cold either because the heater's on too." Taehyung said. "We can always try again when you're ready."

"I'm ready," He said, trying to get a grip on his breathing. Man, he was sweating. Not the gross kind of sweating he experienced when he got sick, but the type of cold sweating that made his spine tingle in a not-so appreciable way.

Jeongguk had absolutely no idea why he was basically falling apart in his seat. It was driving. In an empty parking lot. With like, nobody around right in the middle of the day. It was the perfect chance to practice, and Sae wasn't by his side, scolding him for being too reckless, too careless.

But here he was, wasting his chance, wasting time like he had so much of it! Time was a privilege. Jeongguk wasn't that idiotic or that self-centered enough to ignore how precious time was.

Don't get him wrong though. Usually he wouldn't care if his time was wasted away with him being stuck within four gray walls along side doctors administrating all sorts of tests. But now, he was out of that situation— for once. He was out in the open, experiencing a slice of life he wouldn't otherwise be able to experience.

Jeongguk had too much pride to ever admit that to Taehyung. Anyway, that was beside the point.

The point was, was that Jeongguk had a shot at being normal again. But the moment it was finally in reach, he was fucking it up.

Of course he was.

"Jeon come on now," Taehyung's voice reached out to him, pulling him out of the mess of his mind for a brief moment.

"Seriously, if you don't—."

"—You just don't understand!" Jeongguk blurted out, and once realization settled in like a punch to the gut, his eyes shot open. Fuck.

"Do you want to talk this out?" Taehyung eventually asked, though there wasn't an ounce of teasing in his tone this time around.

"No? I-I— no. That's stupid," Jeongguk tensed, his shoulders hunching together. "That's just... dumb."

"What don't I understand then?" He continued calmly.

Jeongguk inhaled sharply, though he couldn't quite bring himself to exhale. He wanted to explain, to tell him, to put together all the jumble in his mind and lay it out like some fucking puzzle in front of him but the thing was, he also didn't want to do that. Not with Taehyung. Not again.

He meant what he thought about earlier, about not wanting to bombard Taehyung with an explosion of his messy feelings because that was awfully unfair to vent on someone and it wasn't a pretty sight having to deal with that kind of embarrassment. He already did it once; there's no need to do it again.

Plus Jeongguk just... fuck. He didn't want him to see him like that.

It was bad enough Taehyung was stuck with him for the next few months and gets to see him regress, but this entirely different level of vulnerablity? What made him think Taehyung would help him get his shit together in the first place? Jeongguk couldn't even do it on his own. Hell, Sae couldn't help either.

This wasn't Sae's problem or Taehyung's.

It was Jeongguk's. It would always be Jeongguk's own problem, and only he could deal with it.

So yeah, all he needed was a second. A moment to focus, to get his head back in the game. Yes. That was all.

"I'm sorry," Jeongguk whispered, running a shaky palm down his face, his shoulders slumping forward. "I'm just. There's nothing to understand."

"Bullshit." He heard Taehyung shift in his seat. "I meant what I said. My offer still stands."

"Not really," Jeongguk said back, words muffled by his fingers. "Give me a second."

"A second has been given."

"Oh fuck you," Jeongguk glared at him.

"What?" Taehyung shrugged innocently. "You asked for a second."

"It was a figure of speech," He retorted. "I didn't actually want you to count a whole second."

"I can give you a minute if that makes you feel better," Taehyung said, "though I feel that'd make you feel more pressured than you already are."

"Now who said I felt pressured?" Jeongguk asked bitterly, now sitting up, his attention on Taehyung, who was drumming his fingers over the console.

"I can read a room, or well, a car interior in this case," He said. "I'm not stupid, Jeon."

"I wish you were," He grumbled, rubbing the edge of his sweater between his index finger and thumb.

"Well lucky for you, I'm not that dense," Taehyung declared heartily. "Now, if you don't want to drive or talk about your feely weelys, let's switch and go back. We still have roughly five months left and plenty of time to learn how to drive."

"Now you're just bullshitting me," Jeongguk pointed out with a scoff.

"Well that's 'cuz you're bullshiting me right back." Taehyung's voice rose slightly, but it was enough for Jeongguk to nearly flinch in his seat.

Sighing, Taehyung shook his head and said, "Jeon, I can't read your mind."

"I don't want you to." His nose scrunched.

"That's not the point," He muttered, flicking his elbow. Jeongguk raised an eyebrow at him, recoiling his arm away from Taehyung. "Why aren't you taking this head on? Where's that spunk?"

"Did you just say 'spunk'?" Jeongguk said.

"Uh yeah?" Taehyung frowned. "Okay, stop trying to change the goddamn topic. I'm gonna be honest."

"When are you never?"

"Shut up. But anyway, this is like, the worst I've ever seen you. Jeongguk, if something's bothering you, we can stop. You don't have to force yourself and—," He glared at Jeongguk when the younger tried to open his mouth to speak, which led to him immediately sealing his lips shut.

"—Don't tell me I don't understand. Of course I wouldn't because you're not telling me anything."

There was an edge to Taehyung's words, but the anger Jeongguk was frantically searching for wasn't there like it should have been. As strange as that was, he decided to say nothing only because if he focused closely over the incessant throb of his heart, he could hear something else.

Hurt. Taehyung was hurt. Genuinely hurt.

"There are some things about you I probably won't ever understand completely, but I'll try," Taehyung murmured.

"It's not worth the effort," Jeongguk said, mostly to himself, mostly just repeating the things he had heard over time. Although he wasn't so sure if he was actually speaking out loud considering how his heartbeat was raging in his ears.

"I want to be your friend," Taehyung said earnestly. "I won't be a douche and leave you behind. If you think that's what I'm gonna do, what do I have to do to prove that I won't?"

Jeongguk's chest tightened. He ignored it. "Are you trying to butter me up?"

"Butter you up?" His thick brows furrowed like sad caterpillars. "Jeon, please. I'm being serious. Dead serious."

"And I'm just dead. We're not the same," Jeongguk laughed wryly, his hands sliding down the sides of the steering wheel.

Taehyung sighed, shaking his head as he carded his fingers through his hair. "Goodness."

"Goodness what, Grandpa?"

"Are you scared?" Taehyung whispered softly, tilting his head to the side.

"Scared?" Jeongguk scoffed, the knot in his throat bobbing.

"Yeah, scared," Taehyung said. "But you don't have to be." Jeongguk tensed.

"Why would I be—,"

"—'coz I'm right here. And..."

"And what?" He asked stiffly.

"And," Taehyung hummed, "I don't plan on going anywhere."

Well shit.

He could feel his gaze burning holes on the side of his face. There was no way he was going to meet his eyes— fuck that was just asking for it. Asking for embarrassment that would attach itself to his side like a fucking anchor and make a fool out of him for the rest of his short-lived life time.

"Uh, I— Well. You know what? I'm fine now! Can we just drive?" Jeongguk swallowed, unsure why his lungs were giving out at this moment. He wasn't willing to test how long he could actually go with the atmosphere being this intense.

"Was that enough to calm you down?" Taehyung teased. Jeongguk shook his head, pretending to gag.

"Shut up," He fumbled, scrambling for an answer to hide this feeling. "You just made me feel like a fucking loser." He said in a joking way.

But it somehow missed. Of all things, it was that sentence that happened to miss, and so he tried to ignore how Taehyung visibly flinched at the harshness of his words, but he just couldn't.

Couldn't when all Taehyung could give him was a crooked smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. A smirk that lacked the qualities of what a smirk should be. An empty line that held no value, no spark. It was practiced. Strangely practiced. Fuck.

"I'm joking," He whispered almost inaudibly.

"What?" Taehyung whipped his gaze up to meet his. Jeongguk inhaled sharply, clamping his lips shut.

"I'm messing with you," He gave him a weak thumbs-up, hating the stinging heat against his neck.

"Well okay. Then I guess let's start. Put the gear in drive by placing your foot on the brake and lightly applying pressure," Taehyung cleared his throat, and soon he was acting like Jeongguk never made that horrible comment.

Maybe I should have said thank you, Jeongguk thought as he followed Taehyung's instructions, his throat tightening just a little. It took him a bit to get the hang out of it, seeing that the gear wasn't cooperating with every tug he gave it. Eventually, he magically put the car in drive.

His lips stung dully from how hard he bit them, but when he finally did it, he turned toward Taehyung with wide eyes— like an excited kid balancing a bike on their own for the first time.

Taehyung was smiling again, albeit a small one. When their eyes met, Jeongguk wasn't sure what to think of the sudden swell in his chest, or the way he didn't realize how his mouth tugged upward into a smile of his own. The throbbing was replaced with this lighter feeling, like it was as if the bees in his stomach became butterflies.

And honestly, it wasn't so bad. The unease steadily washed away, fading into this giddy sensation as he gripped the wheel with blossoming confidence.

Maybe Taehyung's words worked way better than he expected.

"Now, put your foot— FUCK!" Taehyung scrambled to grab the support bar above him when the car lurched forward, sending them both forward and slamming right back when Jeongguk hit the brake.

"Sorry," Jeongguk said sheepishly, deflating just a little.

"We're not gonna do that," The older boy swore softly underneath his breath. "Ease on it a little. If you do it harshly, you'll send us flying. In a bad way."

"Noted," Jeongguk said, sucking in a breath as he went to try again. He carefully followed Taehyung's words, and when he did manage to get the car going, he braked and waited for his next instruction.

"When you want to turn, just slide your hands along the wheel in the direction you wanna go. You gotta turn it just enough so it listens, but you don't want to turn it so much you fuck up," Taehyung said smoothly.

When Jeongguk tried to turn the corner, he was going painfully slow. So slow that he wasn't quite sure if he was doing this right. He bit at his inner cheek, checking off things in his mind. His grip should be correct, and his foot was easing over the pedal. He was turning the wheel but even so, the car was still awkwardly lurching forward.

He felt Taehyung's intense gaze on him, and part of him squirmed a little underneath his scrutiny. That was the thing about him; his stare was suffocating. It depended on his mood whether it suffocating in the scary way, or that other way that shouldn't be named.

But at the moment, Jeongguk didn't think it'd be a good idea to look at him and figure that out.

"No, you're not doing it right. Do it like this," He suddenly reached over, his arm brushing against Jeongguk's as his fingers hooked against the wheel.

Jeongguk didn't know what to do except stare at the wheel dumbfoundedly, the majority of his brain cells channeled on the fact that Taehyung was in his personal space and he wasn't swatting him away. He blinked rapidly, trying to focus once more, to let it slide just this once; he's just teaching him after all.

"You alright?" He felt Taehyung studying him close.

He nodded, "Yeah. M'good."

It went like this. Jeongguk being a stupid, dumb bitch, and Taehyung occasionally reaching over, their arms brushing and his grip firm as he helped Jeongguk turn the wheel. His voice, god his voice, it was deeper than usual, annoying deep, and he couldn't help but listen— and no, he wasn't enchanted or anything. That wasn't it.

Although Jeongguk didn't know why he was holding his breath. He clutched the wheel tight, letting Tae guide him while the car was somewhat moving. It was slow at first, with Jeongguk testing the waters as though he's finally reached the shore, his gaze watching as the tide pools around his toes.

And when the tide grew stronger, enveloping his ankles, he looked over his shoulder and somehow he wasn't alone. Somehow, he wasn't left to drown, and even though the waters were moving faster, rougher, he was still standing upright.

Taehyung was there. All gentle grins, bushy brows, and calming praises. Occasionally would he nod, urging him to wade further, to let the water swallow him. And yet, he wasn't drowning. Miraculously, he wasn't drowning.

Taehyung, of all people, wasn't letting him drown.

"You're getting the hang of it," Taehyung's voice lulled him out of his thoughts, and it didn't take long for Jeongguk to realize that he was driving. Actually fucking driving.

"Holy shit," He whispered, following Taehyung's guidance as he turned the wheel, the car following in suit. "Ho-ly shit."

It wasn't much, and he certainly wasn't perfect, but it was something. He wasn't failing like he thought he would, and perhaps that stroked his ego just a little bit. Okay, who was he kidding. It definitely fed his ego, and with a final glance directed toward Taehyung ended with him receiving an encouraging nod, Jeongguk kept going.

"You're a natural!" Taehyung mused when they rounded the parking lot yet again. "Look at you go, Jeon!" He reached over, ruffling his hair.

Maybe another time he would have cussed him out for touching him, but for now? Jeongguk shook his head, scoffing lightly but there was nothing bitter, nothing worth igniting a spark of frustration because there wasn't anything to really burn.

It was weird, being like this. It was weird how his lips wobbled, though not in the way where his eyes burned but his eyes were scrunched in smiles of their own. It was weird laughing and the noise that followed didn't sound like a strangled cry.

The usual vice grip in his chest was gone, instead being replaced by the swell of his heart beating relentlessly against his chest. It strangely reminded him that he was still alive, that this wasn't the end.

Jeongguk wondered if Taehyung thought it was weird that he was so consumed in his thoughts, but the wide, boyish grin on his lips said otherwise.

Or well, it made him want to believe otherwise.

"Man, you think you can drive us back?" Taehyung asked, whistling when Jeongguk managed to park the car successfully without much error.

"No," Jeongguk said breathlessly, setting the car in park with a jerk. He couldn't really comprehend what just happened, his heart pumping wildly in his chest as adrenaline surged through him. "I don't think I'm ready for that."

"You sure? You made the parking-lot your fucking bitch, bro," He chuckled.

"You're so stupid," He rolled his eyes. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Taehyung's smirk widen impossibly more.

"But I'm saying the truth!" Taehyung light hit his fist against the console. "Maybe you can get your driver's license!"

"Why? There's no point," Jeongguk snorted. "I won't even get to use it. I probably won't even have the time to practice. Sae won't let me near a car."

"Then I'll let you drive my car so you can practice," Taehyung suggested. Jeongguk whipped his head to face him, his brows bunched together. "You can take me to simple places. You won't get better unless you drive the real roads."

"Dude, why do you want me to drive so bad?" Jeongguk's gaze narrowed. "Don't tell me you're gonna use me as some designated driver."

"Please." It was Taehyung's turn to snort. "I don't get hammered."

"That's such a lie," Jeongguk slumped back against the seat, his attention focused on Taehyung.

"Nah, it's true," Taehyung raised his hands in defense. "I don't like drinking, but maybe one day I'll consider getting obliterated just for you Jeon."

"One day? So you're saying you'll use me as your driver?"

"Huh? No? It's on your list, Jeon," Taehyung reminded him. Jeongguk's lips curved into an oval. Right. "We can get drunk together and have a good time."

"A good time?" Jeongguk repeated dryly. He didn't know what to think of that.

"But we should do it before like, you get sicker."

"Right," Jeongguk nodded along, drumming his fingers over the top of the wheel. He couldn't remember the last time he got drunk. The last time was probably back in high school, he thought.

"Well anyway, I had a good time Jeon," Taehyung said, thankfully changing the subject before Jeongguk's mood could be soiled by old memories.

"We'll work on getting your license, and we'll keep at it! I say we're making good progress."

"Yeah," He murmured, sneaking a glance over at the older boy. Taehyung was playing with his hair, doing that weird thing where he kept touseling it as if it wasn't messy enough for his taste. "We are."

"But first— be honest. You like hanging out with me don't you?" Taehyung teased, suddenly dropping his hand to tug over at Jeongguk's sleeve. "Aren't I a fun buddy?"

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, the mood from earlier completely being killed once he remembered how irritating Taehyung actually was. Whatever he was thinking originally was a product of the good feeling adrenaline produced, therefore all that poetic crap his mind created and shat out was an unfortunate, cringey side effect.