The retina burning lights from the stage of 'Good Morning America' illuminated the shiny promise ring Eli had gifted to me six months after we finally reunited in that hospital room a year and some odd months before. 

The interviewer was picking imaginary lint off of her white blazer, checking her picture perfect straight white teeth in a compact mirror while stage hands buzzed around her like worker bees, fixing her makeup like she wasn't already perfect. 

Eli's hand clasped around mine grounded me, as did the fact that my grandmother and grandfather were in the audience since we were back in New York for a press circuit for my first full length solo studio album following hot on the heels of my EP that had shattered records and my own expectations for anything I ever thought I could achieve. 

The lights changed and applause filled the space, quickly dying down before I found myself smiling at a large swiveling camera and then returning my attention to the woman in front of us, grateful that her face had morphed into an alluring and sweet smile that was (hopefully) easy to talk to. 

The first of the interview flew by with pleasantries and hello's, but my body seized up when the first few questions about the music I was putting out came up. 

"What can you tell us? Can we expect more songs, like 'New' and 'Leather'?"

I smiled to myself because the inspiration of those two songs was sitting right beside me. 

"You can definitely expect songs like those, as well as some more heart wrenching ballads that come from some personal experiences that I've had over the past few years. Love, loss, love again...its full circle. I kind of wanted that to be the core of the album, that's why its called 'Essence', because that's kind of the basis for our humanity, in life we live, we love, and we lose- and then we do it all over again and all of that's encompassed in this album."

"Wow. To say everyone is desperate for this album's release is an understatement. What are some of your inspirations for these songs?"

Her eyebrows wiggled suggestively between the two of us and I laughed, brushing off the question at first but then decided to go a different route with my answer. 

"Obviously, I'm at a place in my life where I'm happy, but that wasn't the case a little over a year ago, and you will definitely be able to hear the shift in the music from the different periods in my life-when I was happy...and when I wasn't so happy. I had a ton of family and friend relationships that sort of deteriorated at the exact same time that some other things were falling apart and you can clearly tell in the shift of attitude in the dark lyrics and production."

I didn't realize bringing up my family was a bad idea until our interviewer got a gleam in her eye. 

"You mention family-are you talking about the viral video where you accuse your father of some very serious crimes? Or the strained relationship with your aunt and her daughter?"

The breath caught in my throat as my pulse skyrocketed in my throat. 

Just because I was going to therapy regularly, being fed a daily diet of amazing sex and copious amounts of unconditional love by not one but two amazing people and had finally cut out all the toxic people in my life, it didn't mean that I wasn't still plagued with the demons of my past. 

Trauma doesn't just vanish overnight all because I got my 'happily ever after'. The nightmares still came more often than not, the anxiety was always there humming underneath my skin, harmonizing to a deadly tune of manic energy and exhaustive slumps. 

It had grown worse over the last month, the ability to get out of bed early in the mornings vanishing along with the strength of my stomach, considering I would get sick even if I looked at a raw piece of chicken before the meal was cooked, which effectively ruined the whole thing for me. 

But peering over at Eli in his black dress slacks, black silk dress shirt with the top unbuttoned and looking like a damn masterpiece, I realized that I didn't have to answer these questions.

Eli knew my heart, Elodie and my grandparents and my friends from the bar knew the contents of my character, and I didn't have to pander to this interviewer in order to staunch the bleeding public opinion of me.

"I think that my music will speak for itself. It's not even really about who the songs are about, but the meaning behind them, the fact that anyone could be toxic to you and your family, and you shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for yourself and your morals. I'm in a great place in my life right now, and this glimpse into the times when it wasn't so great are the closest someone can get to reading my diary, so take that how you will."

She seemed appeased with my answer, and then it was time to interview Eli. 

I squeezed his hand as she spoke highly of him and they played a cute meme reel of him practicing with Elodie in our backyard of our rental house, doing funny dances to viral songs and then finally a string of videos played with commentators in the background discussing his future in the NBA. 

"So, Eli, what is next for the two of you?"

A gurgle in my stomach tore me out of the moment while I tried to keep down my breakfast. Of course my acid reflux was trying to act up in the middle of a nationally televised program!

I cleared my throat as silently as I could to dispel the fire crawling its way up my esophagus and concentrated instead on Eli's answers. 

"Uh, well, we've been doing really well in Miami but I don't know if this is the place where we'll put down roots for our family. It's where we both come from, sure, but we want to make our own mark on the world, plant our own roots somewhere else."

"Hmm...somewhere that has a bit colder winter than Miami? Maybe a city with a penchant for big apples?"

I laughed politely at her New York City joke, but faltered as nausea crept up my back and suffocated me, seizing up my throat and locking me in place. If I blew chunks on national television, I was definitely done for. 

"Hah, yeah maybe. We'll see. We're definitely keeping our options open."

"I also hear your family has gained a little one."

I whipped my head towards her, panic clutching my chest as I tried to understand what she meant. 

"The adoption of your little sister made headline coverage. What's it been like raising your little sister?"

"It definitely has been an adjustment, but we are so grateful for the chance to raise her. We wouldn't have it any other way."

I was glad for Eli's ability to answer the question as I felt a line of sweat crawl down my back at a snail's pace, determined to keep the perspiration from beading up on my forehead, sure that it would make me look like greasy haired and un-showered. 

"I am so glad to hear that, and to hear that you both are doing so well. I think that's all the time we have for you two, stay tuned, we have a fun cooking segment coming up that you don't want to miss right after the commercial break."

The moment the lights ceased shining incessantly on my forehead, the heat dissipated from my body, but then, so did my equilibrium. 

Eli stood and took my hand in his, pulling me up right along with him, but as he did so, my vision clouded over. 

Instead of our interviewer's face, all I could see were black dots swimming in front of me, warbling in and out of focus as I swayed on my feet and Eli asked me what was wrong, but it was like he was asking the question under water. 

No, wait. It was like I was underwater, instead. I could hear the sounds, but they were muffled, the ringing in my ears intensifying as the black dots turned into blobs which turned into the only things that I could see-but then it was over. 

It was lights out for me.