"These songs are crazy good. What timeframe are you looking at in having them all completed as far as touching up vocal runs and producing the rest of the track?"

"My producer says only two more weeks if I'm in the studio for eight hours a day every weekday. I already have the first single completely finished, though."

My manager's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store with that magic sentence.

"Nessa? You okay there?"

"Oh yeah, girl. You just hit the jackpot with that. You wanted to do 'New' or 'Faking It' as your first single?"

Vanessa Laryan usually wasn't one to be shocked, but I was probably about to pull that off with the news I had.

"They're both actually ready to go. I was going to let you listen to them and get your input on which one you thought would be better."

"Oh, even without hearing them, I know the lyrics to 'New' are going to drive the media crazy, especially after the romance rumors about that basketball player and the love triangle you're in. How did you manage to swirl up all this buzz about you without even having a solid social media presence? You haven't released any music before...at all. I doubt the world even knows you can sing at this point."

I rolled my eyes and sidled up next to the switchboard and pressed play on the monitor, the bass beat and snare drum of the first lilting notes of 'New' coming through the speakers.

"Oh, I like what your producer did with this already. Is that synth? This is so different."

"Wait until you hear the chorus."

The sensual climb to the chorus through the meandering verses speaking of finding a new love after a dark time was the epitome of my feelings for Eli, and it was a song that I'd written in the midst of settling in after leaving him, reminiscing on my feelings even though he was gone.

"Oh hell girl, you do realize you're going to be the most photographed and talked about girl in the world for a few weeks after you release this, right? All this drama surrounding you and those boys is only going to make the public more curious about you and what you're doing...we could use this to our advantage, you know. The NBA is desperate for you. They call me every day, now. Ever since I sent them that recording of you singing the national anthem and Felicity Reeves pulled out of doing the All Star game anthem..."

"I don't think it would be a good idea, Vanessa. Being around that atmosphere, all those people, after everything I went through with my father...I just don't know if I could do it."

"I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't think you could do it. You're stronger than you think, you know? You took your father's death in stride, you don't go out and party, don't drink or do drugs, don't smoke, you just work and work harder and harder. You're smart as hell, and you have an amazing head on your shoulders. Don't let your past and the ghosts living there ruin the future you have ahead of you. They need an answer by tomorrow, the game is in a week after all."

"Okay, I'll think about it. Thank you, Vanessa."

She flicked her dark curls behind her shoulder and threw me a wink.

"Sure thing, kiddo. Now, have your producer send me the cut of that track and make sure that it's in the proper format so that we can launch it on iTunes and Spotify, Pandora, the works. Start coming up with some marketing ideas. We could either surprise launch or you could tease it on social media. Let me know!"

Always on her way out onto something bigger and better, Vanessa Laryan had left the building. I hung back, listening to the subtle and alluring melody of my first real song.

Baby you touch me and it's like magic

One single look and you wreak havoc

On my mind, on my nerves, on my skin

You're dark and you're dangerous,

Though we're both not strangers cause

You hold me like I'm something precious to you

And this is all so new...

Can you teach me the complexities

Of all these new sensualities

I'm drowning in this unfamiliarity

Though you pull me through it

Can you hold my hand, when I'm trying my best

Can you say it won't hurt, cause I'm tired of the rest

Saying leave you just to need you while I feel you deep in my core

And I just can't take no more...

Baby you smile at me and it's like heaven

One brush of your fingertips has got be beggin'

For your taste, for your grace, for that ache inside of me

You woke up this desire in me,

Like no one else before you ever tried to see

So can you kiss away all the scars that broke me too

And I don't want to rush because it's all so new...

Yeah...needless to say the press would have a field day with this sensual song...but when I thought of Eli, this was what came to mind.

A lust inside me that couldn't be quenched, a desire so raw and powerful that nothing could stop it. Just writing out how I felt and how strong the feelings poured out of me was cathartic, like maybe if I wrote enough and let it all out, then the pain wouldn't swallow me whole at night when I was utterly alone and wasted on my tears and grief.

Because Vanessa was wrong.

I wasn't strong, I wasn't handling my father's death well, I just didn't show everyone how much it had completely and totally torn me apart, ripping pieces of me off bit by bit until I was nothing but a hollow shell of who I had once been.

Because with my father dead, there was no chance for justice for my mother, no chance of him taking responsibility for his actions, no way for me to find out if the other driver in the accident currently serving a sentence of twenty five to life for vehicular manslaughter was actually drunk as well, or if it had only been my father looking for a scapegoat in order to circumvent his own guilt.

Maybe I wasn't allowed closure, or justice for my mother. Maybe this was the world's way of saying nothing in life was fair and to do what you want before it's all over, before you end up dead like your parents.

Maybe, instead of holing myself up at night and sulking in the corner while trying to write new songs and conjure up all my pain and channel it into something easily consumed by an audience I didn't even have yet, I could go out with Sierra and have a fun night, I could go to dinner with my grandparents, I could face my fears and sing the national anthem at the NBA All Star game.

I could do those things, and finally move on from the things that continuously held me back-or rather, the people that held me back.

The reminder of my father, his face shining proudly after a winning game and pulling me and my mom onto the court to celebrate, pulling me up on his shoulders to proclaim to the world what an amazing and doting father and husband he was, when that was anything but the truth.

And then there would be the new memories with Eli, however fleeting, tearing apart those memories and creating new ones. The stark reminder of the one game he'd played and had injured his arm, but I was too busy telling my father and the rest of the world just what I thought of him and what he'd done to my family.

Vanessa said it would be great exposure, would get my name out there in the performance aspect instead of others focusing on my romance life, and that was what I wanted, right? To have the world see me as an artist, instead of scorned Mike Bruins' daughter who was trying to ruin a dead man's image by calling him a murderer?

To see me as a performer and a singer and a writer, not just the girl who was stuck in a love triangle with two basketball players?

And what good would performing at the All Star game do? Sure, it would allow others to see me in a different light, and hopefully change some perceptions about me with the basketball fans, but aside from that, I would still be tied to that world, a world that I was desperate to move on from and forget about completely, but the rest of the world seemed to want to keep bringing me right back into it.

It wasn't until a notification came through on my phone that I made my decision. A photo of Eli getting off of a plane in New York, shaking hands with none other than Johnson Pierce in the terminal with tons of fans and signing autographs right alongside him.

I called Vanessa immediately, knowing that if I didn't voice my decision then and there that I would change my mind.

"V? Everything okay, we just talked."

"I changed my mind, about the All Star game. I want to sing the anthem. Can you get me in practice as soon as possible?"

"You're making the right choice. They told me they could have you fitted for your in ear piece as early as tomorrow and they want a full rehearsal and to vet your outfit and the rendition you're choosing. They don't want another Fergie disaster like a few years ago. I'm proud of you, kiddo. This is going to be huge! Talk to you soon!"

And it was officially out of my hands, because once Vanessa got her mind on something, there was no stopping her. She was a force to be reckoned with, and that was what made her to fierce and why I chose her as my manager in the first place.

Which meant that there was no turning back now. One way or another, I was going to see Eli in less than a week, and I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or throw up at the thought.

I wondered if he'd change his mind once they announced that I'd be singing the national anthem at the game, but then I would have my answer. It was time to stop running from the past and running towards what I wanted, because that was the only way I'd be happy and not forever alone, no matter how much it scared the absolute shit out of me giving someone else the power to hurt me, but then, I'd been hurting for eight entire months and I could solely place the blame on me...because whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not, leaving Eli had been an excuse.

The Maddie drama? A manufactured way to get me out of there, but my subconscious didn't let me realize it until I was thousands of miles away and no way of repairing the damage I'd done.

I only hoped that it wasn't too late for him, but I'd find out soon enough, because we'd be face to face and just the thought of being in even the same state as Eli had my blood zinging and my face heating. Five more days.

Just five more days, and I would finally confront everything I'd been running from for eight months, and I could finally move forward, whether it was with Eli or not, I could finally get closure, something I couldn't get with my parent's deaths, something I never got after our final fight in Florida.

I could picture it in my head, our reunion going the way I hoped with him tilting my head back, fingers gripping my chin and capturing my lips with his...

But then I could also picture it going the exact opposite. Instead of looking upon me with happiness and unguarded lust and desire, he would be cold and distant, pushing me away and wrapping his arms instead around another woman that wasn't afraid of commitment, that didn't closely guard her trust and who wore her heart on her sleeve, a woman who was soft and sweet and not a girl with a shut down heart with more security than Alcatraz.

Both scenarios were possible, but only one would be the real and true outcome.

I just wasn't sure if I could survive the second.