TIANA

Along black and white lanes there's a peace and ease that reverberates throughout the essence of our souls. A serenity that many can easily take advantage of.

I had lost that calm, beaming sun in my life once he left and I felt trapped in a perpetual storm. And just when I felt I had managed to find adequate resources to somehow survive each agonizing day, the sound of bells ringing melodiously triggered a swirling tsunami into my life at the voice on the other end.

And my body no longer felt like my own. Even when I swirled my tongue around my dry mouth to gather my bearings and feel some sense of control nothing seemed real. I felt detached from reality taking each shaky step on the ground that felt more like quicksand prepared to swallow me whole.

Pushing the doors that felt more like acid to my skin, I began moving frantically across the corridor fearful and terrified. I was a jumble of nerves as my eyes searched for her.

Searched for the only other thing that gave me a reason to wake up every day.

The harsh winds brewing inside me made it harder to breathe and see given the blurry tears making a silent trail down my cheeks.

When one retells an experience that involves facing the possibility of losing a loved one, hearing about the regrets that surface almost made me drop to the floor and scream. Especially upon realizing the regrets I had were endlessly harbouring towards wishing this was some abnormally real dream that I would wake up from.

Room 204!

Room 204!

WHERE THE HELL IS IT?

Please be alive- if you leave that's pretty much it for me.

Please don't take the life from her eyes.

A million thoughts travelled a million miles in my mind and as the emotions clog up to block my eyes, I send a silent prayer hoping she would fight.

Please don't take her away from me too.

I nearly broke out into a full sprint once my eyes landed on the door- bursting into the room I push my legs toward my mother laying on the hospital bed.

Collapsing at her bedside my hands trembled as they grabbed her slightly frail hand. The contact had her eyes opening to send a weak smile in my direction," Old age brought on a lot more than I bargained for," she joked.

I understood the need she had to ease my fears, however, her joke failed to elicit even a giggle from me. Needless to say, I was put off at how she was brushing this off as if she had gum stuck on her shoe as opposed to the heart attack she suffered. I grew immensely upset as the relief pumped through my body.

"You just had a heart attack, now's not the time for jokes mom. It's bad enough dealing with our losses," I breathed releasing a ragged breath squeezing her hand;" I can't afford to lose you too."

Her face softened as she began rubbing soothing circles on my hands. "Sweetheart. . . I'm fine really. It was just a minor thing, to be honest. And luckily this man was there to call 911 when it happened," she gestured to the corner of the room. I hadn't even taken the time to observe my surroundings, I was too focused on reaching out to my mother to end death's plan to take her. When I looked up- indeed a man was standing quietly in the corner.

His grey orbs observed us holding an emotion I couldn't quite detect. My eyes swept over him taking in his slightly bulky build and face; wavy brown hair, slightly crooked nose, firm square jaw, pink thin shaped lips and. . . . white.

My eyes hardened, his presence making me weary of him being in the same room as her.

I stood back up to my full height taking a more guarded stance, his eyebrow raised slightly at my demeanour. In turn he moved forward a bit." Uh. . ." he cleared his throat as he placed his hands into his pockets," I think its best I leave, I'm really glad you're okay Ruby," he said moving towards the door.

"Thank you so much for helping me, Luis. Feel free to come by the shop anytime, you can get all the free baked treats you like," she stated offering a kind smile. I whipped my head in my mother's direction staring hard at the way she acted so familiar with him. The man gave her a simple nod before glancing in my direction. I could see he wanted to say something when he opened his mouth but seemed to think against it, I'm sure the frown on my face made him hesitate such that he snapped it shut, opened the door and left.

"Tiana," came my mother's voice that one would never interpret as anything beyond severe. I knew she was bemused.

"What?" I asked innocently as I took a seat.

She sighed shifting her body around to gain a more comfortable position before she spared me a glance," The least you could do was thank the man for helping your poor mother."

I nearly rolled my eyes knowing my mother hated that action, I bit my tongue trying my best to refrain from revealing too much of what I truly felt." Mom," I scoffed," hell will have to freeze over before I ever thank the likes of him."

And that was me putting it nicely.

"Careful child," she chastised as her eyes narrowed on me," you know better than to paint everyone the same just based off of something someone did."

"But what that someone did led to the loss of a life, ma!" I bit back crossing my arms across my chest feeling the resentment bloom inside me.

She stayed silent her expression soft, as compared to the pout I wore, refusing to back down. I was not one to act neither childish nor petty, but in matters concerning the unsettling destruction she and I faced it was a different story.

We both remained silent after that. Neither of us felt the need to say anything. That's how it was- sometimes we both welcomed the silence where it was in those moments I pictured hearing my brother's baritone making some inappropriate joke low enough for only us two to share and laugh about.

Sparing one final glance at the door where that man left, a small part of me- who'd been groomed to show gratitude from an early age begrudgingly, sent a half-hearted thank you to him.

Still, I wouldn't be uprooted from what I grew to know.

***

It's been days since my mother got discharged from the hospital and I was grateful that she appeared to be in better spirits. I took it upon myself to move temporarily back home to keep a close eye on her. She insisted I was only being paranoid, regardless of it I'd be damned if I allowed her heart to stop beating all because I turned a blind eye.

Janet, a long-time employee and good friend of my mother's had been running the shop, making sure business was flowing smoothly like the well-equipped machine it's been for years. Which was a relief. That shop was the only other sense of purpose my mother felt she had. She always held the belief sweet goodness held some power to brighten anyone's sombre mood.

Her words not mine.

"Ma, go back to bed, you need your rest," I scolded lightly as I packed away some files into my bag preparing to go to work. She leaned against the kitchen counter clad in a robe placing her coffee mug on the table.

"I'm sick and tired of that bed," she groaned;" besides I think I'm ready to go to work-"

"No," I responded curtly, I never bothered to glance up; I could feel the heat of her hard glare on me.

"I don't need your permission, T. Ever since I was admitted you've been treating me like a porcelain doll as if one wrong move will break me. I'll have you know I'm fine." I held back my scepticism as I continued listening to her mini-rant." I've changed up my diet though I didn't want to. Plus I'll take the necessary precautions in my movements if that will ease your fears," she gently said moving towards me.

"Is it wrong I just don't want to lose the only other blood I have."

She gave me a pleading look, one that diminishes any other objection I had to her leaving the house. I rubbed my temples, hoping that would somehow ease my fears that were only mounting just thinking about what could go wrong. And though my mouth was ready to verbally state how against this I was. Instead, I chose to say, "You're a grown woman, at the end of the day I can't stop you from wanting to leave the house. But," I raised my hand, determined the next set of words I said would remain permanently engraved in her head," If anything happens, you call me."

"Yes ma'am," she replied smiling as she poked my cheek.

Bag on the shoulder, keys in hand I halted any further movement when I heard her speak once again," And T," she muttered," Please just try. . . at least promise me."

With one final look in her direction I left for work. Stepping outside I took a few breaths to try achieve a more calm and collected state. Knowing leaving the safety of what I was familiar with was bound to make me anxious. There were times I hardly left my dorm room at school, too fearful that in my journey to class I'd end up having a bullet kiss my skin.

I detested how much of me cowered into a shell. I ended up coming across as aloof, losing friends along the way simply because the thought of caring for someone would set me up to be more vulnerable if harm fell upon them. It was a rule I adopted making an exception for only my mother whilst being cordial with others but not allowing them too close. That's why I went as Nathan put it all 'ghost' on people. Admittedly it wasn't a healthy way to live.

It wasn't a healthy way to live for anyone.

***

I took it all in, my eyes moved swiftly taking in the details of my first ever case- with my first ever client, Monica Summers.

To say I was nervous was an understatement, however, I felt honoured to be handed this case.

After all this was the path I chose. To become a pioneer in the journey to justice especially in a system that sometimes seemed to push so many of those painted in a darker shade down.

"You really seem to be in your element."

I turned to find Rita's bright face watching me; I bit my lip suddenly feeling shy. I tended to get carried away when it came to work. In a way, the rest of the world faded into oblivion.

"I'm not saying it like its a bad thing," she chuckled moving forward to observe my work." It's just refreshing to see someone who loves what they do."

"It pays well; I don't want to lose my first job since graduating all because I was lazy."

She nodded her head, wearing a warm smile.

Rita was a partner of the firm, a beautiful black woman who had twenty years of experience in the field. I initially met her when she took on my brother's case, and at a time of uncertainty and distress, I was awe-struck with her strong, independent personality. Her determination to see herself as a part of something bigger.

She'd never know it but besides my mother and Michelle Obama, I had officially added her to my list of role models

"Well Tiana, if you keep this work ethic up, you'll be a partner in no time," she smirked as she nudged me playfully. I chuckled appreciating the compliment.

"I'm really glad you invited me to your party by the way," she went on to say, I perked up when I saw the bright twinkle in her eye.

"Thank you for coming. I know you have a busy schedule."

She waved off my remark," it wasn't a problem. I couldn't miss the celebration especially knowing where you came from. I know it wasn't easy," she responded. I looked away, knowing she spoke some truth of how hard it had been. Since the incident happened people around campus had looked at me with empathy. I was grateful for people's condolences and acts of compassion towards me but it grew tiresome especially on days I wanted to blend into the background and not be reminded that I was now an only child.

"This job isn't going to be easy though," Rita continued sauntering around my working space. Her eyes scanned the area, stopping short to pick up a picture of myself and Tim. It was the last one we had taken together.

"In this job, you need to have something driving you to make each hour in here feel like its amounting to something good," she swivelled around laying a penetrating gaze on my seated form, I knew what she was saying. I soaked in the advice she was putting on my lap.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat I licked my suddenly dry lips unsure of what to say, how to react at her statement. After placing the picture back on my desk she moved away from me pausing briefly by the door finding my eyes once more.

"I apologize- I know this conversation is. . . odd. But I want to help you. I honestly want to see you prosper in this because unlike some of the people who walk in here out of wanting to brag they're an advocate or attorney, you," she titled her head to the side, watchful of me," you have a chance to do something here, Tiana."

Crossing her arms across her chest, the air shifted when she offered a warm smile," Enjoy the rest of your day, new girl," she joked before leaving the room.

With that she left me to my thoughts. I felt more and more certain that in my rash decision based on the raw emotions I felt to change my studies at school, that I was doing the right thing.

That regardless of the scary unknown, I was where I was meant to be.