'A silent war of mind and soul'

"Sweetheart, you've barely touched your dinner, you love roast lamb;" Mum says.

I hadn't seen my parents in over three months, it wasn't because I didn't want to. Everything just changed after the abortion, they still don't know about it; but I struggled to look either of them in the eye.

I became a hermit after, for months I couldn't work or see anyone. The girls were the only people I could be around. I can still remember Anna spoon feeding me yogurt when she got fed up with me not eating.

I told her I couldn't help it; I just wasn't hungry. She fed me for a week before I finally had the energy to do it myself.

"Sorry, just thinking about work," I lie and force myself to scoop up some peas. I learnt that I struggle to eat when I'm stressed, I felt like I would vomit if I did eat.

I hadn't struggled to eat since the abortion, but now, with Tyson's future in the balance. With our relationship a mess, I felt sick constantly.

I was the same for year twelve exams, although I didn't realise I wasn't eating until my last exam was done and I felt faint from hunger.

I remember when fuckface brought up getting the abortion, I had my concerns, I fought for our baby; constantly trying to convince him. I didn't fight hard enough though and part of me knew I wasn't ready either. Booking the appointment and going to it wasn't that hard, I honestly didn't think it would be that big of a deal.

I wasn't far along at all, no symptoms besides a missed period. I remember thinking, this won't be great but I will have another one when the time is right.

How wrong I was.

As soon as the cramps and blood came, I was inconsolable. Chad had to call Anna to come get me. Every time he would try to touch me, I would push him away. The site of him sickened me and soon so did the site of myself.

I remember crying in Anna's arms, screaming that I had got rid of my baby girl. It was insane, before the abortion I didn't think once about the gender, but as soon as the bleeding started; it was like my daughter flashed before my eyes. I grew to hate every feature of myself, and nothing Chad could do would make me feel any better.

He grew frustrated with my slow healing, with the lack of sex, and I grew frustrated with his face.

His face and mirrors were something I just could not handle.

I never thought about Tyson looking the opposite of Chad, being what pulled me to him; but I think it helped.

Tyson reminding me what love is and how to love myself is why I will never give up on him now.

"Jane rang me...she told me about that guy that made you feel uncomfortable?"

I nearly forgot about our cover up story. No one could know about The Lost Souls, so we pretended my crying and wanting to see Stan was because of this stalker guy. "It's okay, Uncle Stan has taken care of it," I muster a small smile.

Dad stays quiet like usual, him and I had drifted so much, it was my fault; I constantly put-up walls between us.

After dinner, I give Dad a quick hug goodbye and Mum walks me out.

"Bella..."

I suck in a deep breath, preparing myself for my mother's words. I turn to face her; she has tears building. My heart drops knowing that it's my fault.

"I wish you would talk to me more...it's like you don't want to be around us."

"Mum, that's not it," I try to say convincingly.

"I just want to know what I have done wrong? We use to be so close," she chokes on a sob.

I reach for her hand. "I will visit more okay, and work on myself; you and Dad have always been perfect."

She nods her head. "I need you to talk to me again," she pleads.

"I'm working on it," I give her a quick hug before leaving.

Once in my car, I check my phone, preparing myself for nothing from Tyson.

His name pops up in my messages and my stomach does a little somersault.