It's foolish how you don't realise the permanency of loss. Not right away at least. When you lose something or someone that you can never get back, you feel sadness. Maybe it's unbearable, maybe it's numb, but it doesn't truly cripple you until you fully understand that it's never coming back.

It could be a breakup, that you know you will never feel the highs that person gave you again. It could be death, and the simple things that come with never being able to see that person. A smile, a chat, their touch. For me it was never knowing what could have been. Crazy isn't it? To grieve something that was never really here.

The blood and the cramps I could handle. The mental pain was a whole new challenge. What would she have looked like? What would she have felt like in my arms? What would we have accomplished together? The unknown nearly killed me, and that I had taken her away from me without really thinking of the consequences.

Consequences that would shape me and lead me to him.