"magic there is a customer here for you" the bouncer said from the other side of the door. I was looking a the image of my self in the mirror in front of me. my tears making my mascara run down my face. I grabbed a wet wipe from the dressing table I was sitting in front of and wipe the mess of my face as much as I could and got up. I walked to the red room where we usually have our private dances in and closed the curtains. on the other side of the curtain, I was another person. I wasn't broken or depressed or sleeping with my landlord because I couldn't make ends meet. I was an emotionless object who was there for the enjoyment of the rich men who come to see me dance. they didn't care that I was a guy as long as they could grab or squeeze and treat me like garbage to make their ego inflate. once done I walked out of the room fighting back my tears as the laughter of the two men inside followed me. the bunny costume I was wearing was in pieces half because they paid extra to see more skin and a half because when I refused to bend over and take it as they expected me to they had become violent and ripped it off of me.

I walked back to the dressing room and sat down at a different dressing table. this one was covered in glitter and white substance I didn't want to think about. I leaned back int he almost broken chair and looked at my image. I was sweaty and my makeup was smudged. with a sigh, I got up and walked to the lockers. after putting on my close I pulled a hoodie over it taking it from the lost and found box. since I was living in the shady part of town I had to get to the train station before the last train of the night left.

as luck would have it I got there when the train was leaving the station. I just stood near the tracks with anger and frustration boiling inside my blood like venom. I could, at last, feel my self break. I had been hoping against hope that one day maybe I'd find someone to save me from this awful life I had but with each passing day that idea seemed more and more like a dream. without thinking I felt my self walk towards the tracks when I heard one of the trains that would spend the night in the train station coming.

before I could take that last step that would finally release me from the trap that was my life I felt a firm grip on my arm and i was suddenly yanked back. I fell against a hard chest before me and whoever it was I collided with crumbled to the floor. just like that the tears that I've been holding back for the better part of my life hit me hard and I started sobbing while still sat in the stranger's lap. and instead of pushing me away like any normal person would the stranger's arms came around me and held me tight.

it took me a while to get my hideous sobs to quiet down and even then I was sniffing like a child who was just denied his favorite toy. after rubbing the tears out of my eyes harshly I looked up to see in who's arms I was. surprisingly it wasn't a greasy old man with a beer gut who was just waiting to take advantage of me being emotional. it was the tall dark and handsome night guard at the train station who always gave me worried looks when I came through the train station every night looking drained and dead inside.

"just breath, everything will be fine" he whispered and for the first time i belived it. for the first time i belived that everything will be fine. he helped me off the ground and took me to the room where all the security cameras were. he then got me a sandwitch and a can of coke and sat there looking at me with worried eyes.

"you can relax you know. i'm not going to just up and combust" i said with a rasp in my voice from how hard i was crying earlier.

"do you have some where to stay tonight?" he asked i shruged and looked out the window. he got up and put his jacket over what i was wearing before sitting back down before me.

"i'm alec" he said after a couple of minutes of silence

"magnus" i replied trying to hide my eyes with my overgrown bangs

"i'm happy i finally got to meet you even if it was in this circumstance," he said a moment later. i looked at him questioningly

"I've seen you around here. usually late at night around this time. I always wanted to meet you but I was too scared to talk to you. and you always looked so tired so I was afraid I would irritate you" he explained. with a sigh, I leaned back against the wall behind me

"I would have probably been irritated if you had tried to talk to me. but not at you. I'm just always drained after work" I replied

"do you love what you do?" he asked. a sound that almost sounded like a sob and laugh combined escaped me

"no" I replied

"then why do you do it?" he asked

"bills" was my answer

"you must earn a lot then," he said I glared at him because it was obvious I barely made enough to get by

"Magnus I'm trying to help you" he whispered

"well, I don't need your help so fuck of" I replied and got up. before I knew it I was pinned to a wall and his lips were working against mine. I was expecting a hard and rough kiss but he was soft and patient tempting my lips to join his in a sinful dance.

"don't fight me" he whispered when he broke off the kiss

"fight that hate you have for your self. whatever it is your punishing your self for forgiving yourself please. or the hate and anger will eat you alive" he whispered and with tears in my eyes i connected our lips again. that night for the first time in my life someone held me close and made love to me. I cried the entire time because I felt like I didn't deserve it like I didn't deserve him. i felt like i was dirtying him the entire time.

the next morning before he woke up i left. i went back to my prison of life because I deserved it. for one night thinking, I could be forgiven was good but he didn't know what I've done. he didn't know that I drove my father away from the love of his life. he didn't know my mother took her own life because of me. he didn't know i killed my stepfather. and he most certainly didn't know that even now i didn't feel bad for any of it. he was too pure so I had to leave before he made me think that redeeming my self was an actual possibility.

i left alexander because he was starting to feel like my saving grace and i knew i sure as hell didn't deserve one.