《Lost & Insecure》Twenty-Five - Letting Go
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Dana and Katie were miserable apart. They spent their entire winter breaks thinking about each other. Katie was gone, and Dana was numb. Dana didn't know whether it was her pain medication at first, or if it was her still in shock, but she didn't cry. Not once over Katie. The only time she shed a tear was when Katie walked away. Granted, Dana wasn't one to cry, but she never questioned if she'd cry over losing the girl she loved. She thought that'd be inevitable.
Dana was sitting in her windowsill, staring out the window, absentmindedly tapping her pencil on the notepad in her lap. She was staring at the house across the street. The house she never thought much about before was all she could think about in that moment. All she thought about was the large house with the massive tree in the front yard that made it easy to sneak into the window on the second floor. All she saw was the small roof in front of that window which made it easy to wait for the window to be opened so someone could be let in. All Dana could remember was the feeling of crawling through that window with as much grace as possible in order to stay quiet, but failing nearly every time. All Dana could feel was a pair of perfectly formed lips pressed against her own.
Eddie knocked on Dana's door, stealing Dana from her daydream. "Hey D, it's time to go." Dana glanced at the boy in the doorway. His smile was subtle and innocent. "Do you need me to help grab your bag?" Dana attempted to readjust herself, but winced in pain. She nodded in response. Eddie rushed to Dana's side. "Guess you need help bringing you downstairs too." Eddie grinned, attempting to make light of the situation, but it wasn't helping. He handed Dana her crutches. It had been six weeks now since Dana's accident. Her arm had healed, but not her leg. She had upgraded from a wheelchair to crutches to get around. The doctors reassured her that her leg should be fully healed in no longer than two weeks. She had an appointment later that week to see if she could remove the cast. Although Dana had recovered immensely from the accident, the cast on her leg was causing her discomfort between the size and the fact that it forced her leg to remain in one place at all times.
Eddie assisted Dana downstairs and into the car. The used car that he had bought just a few weeks prior wasn't as nice as Dana's car, but Dana's car had been wrecked and was still in the shop for repairs. Both Dana and Eddie were happy to have any mode of transportation other than the bus. Jesse had been waiting by his car when Eddie and Dana pulled into the parking lot. He ran over to the passenger side of the car and grabbed Dana's bag before Dana had the chance to try. Jesse swung the bag over his shoulder, it colliding with the bag he already had on his back. He and Eddie each grabbed one of Dana's hands and lifted her from the seat.
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"Thanks guys, but I can stand up on my own." Dana spoke barely above a whisper. Eddie glared at Jesse every moment they made eye contact. Eddie and Grace had been officially together now for a month and a half, but Eddie still loathed Jesse. He still saw the guy that stole her away the first time. It didn't matter how many times Jesse insisted that he was trying to change. Dana made her way around the car and led the trio through the entrance to the school. Dana saw Marissa, but before she could force a smile, Marissa's eyes shot towards the floor and she disappeared around the nearest corner.
Jesse saw the exchange between Dana and Marissa. "If it helps, Thomas," Jesse had, for reasons only known by him, started calling Dana by her last name. "She doesn't blame you. If anything, she's more upset with herself than anything." Dana didn't say anything. She didn't have much to say anymore.
"What even happened between you two?" Eddie asked. Ever since Dana's accident, Marissa and Dana hadn't been speaking.
Dana shrugged, "I told her not to make me choose... So she didn't." Eddie didn't understand what Dana meant but he didn't bother asking. He could see the pain Dana was in, and wasn't going to force her to talk if she didn't want to. Dana didn't want to choose Marissa. Obviously, Dana's first and only choice would always be Katie. But Dana initially had a thought that if she had chosen Marissa, then Katie's mom would've let Katie stay. Dana didn't want to ever feel like she was using Marissa, but she knew it would've been easier if there was a way to convince Pam to let Katie stay.
Dana excused herself from Jesse and Eddie and headed to her first class. She sat down in her normal seat. Dana was doing her best to focus on the lesson, but she couldn't stop thinking about other things.
Dana looked over her shoulder and stared at the empty desk just a few away from her own. She tried to remember the smiling fool that used to sit there, but that seat was vacant now, and that's all Dana saw. Her thoughts flashed to New Years Eve and the New Years Eve party that Ashley was holding at her house. Katie had actually been allowed to see her friends.
Dana and Katie excused themselves from the rest of the party to slip outside and talk. There was mostly silence shared between them, neither one knowing what they should said.
Finally, Katie caved and spoke up. "I shouldn't have ever let you fall for me." Dana looked at her, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Katie sighed. "Look, if I could go back and change it, believe me I would."
Dana scoffed lightly, shaking her head. "And what would you do exactly? Push me away? Ignore me? Because you did that and it didn't work."
"I wouldn't have kissed you." Katie immediately answered. "I wouldn't have told you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I would have kept everything to myself." She explained to Dana who was chuckling slightly in disbelief.
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"It wouldn't have mattered even if you did, Katie." Dana's voice was annoyed now more than anything else. "I didn't fall for you because you kissed me. The only possible way for you to have prevented my feelings for you is if you were anyone but yourself. I didn't fall because you told me that you couldn't stop thinking about me, or because I knew you were dreaming about me. I fell for your stupid smile. The one that's impossibly perfect. I fell for your dumb laugh and the way that the sound of it makes my heart skip a beat. I fell for the way your nostrils flare when you're angry with me. I fell for the way your nose crinkles just a tiny bit when you need to sneeze. I fell for the way you clench your jaw and look away when I catch you staring at me. Katie, you never said anything to make me fall for you. You just looked at me in the most drunken, and vulnerable, and incredible way, and I knew..." The silence found its way back to them. Dana clenched her jaw at the sight of Katie's eyes watering. "I knew you were going to be the one to break my heart." Katie looked straight ahead of her, avoiding looking at the girl beside her. "Thing is, I started believing that maybe I could be wrong... But I always knew..." Dana and Katie could hear cheers from inside of the house. It was now midnight, and the start of a new year. "Happy New Year, Katie." Dana escaped back into the house.
"Dana?" Dana's teacher snapped her back to reality. Dana looked up at her teacher who was in front of her desk patiently waiting for Dana's response.
"Can you repeat the question?" Dana asked softly.
Her teacher nodded and smiled gently before repeating herself. "Were Romeo and Juliet's deaths inevitable? Or could they have been saved and had their happily ever after?"
Dana took a deep breath. "They were doomed from the beginning. Two star-crossed lovers, destined to fall in love, but not to be together. If their love wasn't so tragic then there wouldn't have been a story to tell. Shakespeare loved drama. He loved tragedy and making two souls doomed to fall in love only to lose everything they had to give." Dana's eyes fell to her desk. "Romeo couldn't have helped himself from falling for Juliet. He knew as soon as he saw her that this girl – this stranger – had now claimed ownership over his heart." Dana glanced over her shoulder and to the empty desk, "And she wasn't going to give it back."
Dana could no longer concentrate on school or anything else but the girl whom she had lost. Dana hobbled her way upstairs after school and into her room. Her room had become her own hiding place since the breakup. She didn't manage to see much except for her room and school. Dana cracked the door open and saw Katie sitting on her bed. Dana pushed the door open more and made her way to the bed. She sat beside Katie and glanced at her, not saying a word. Dana looked into Katie's eyes, and Katie sent Dana a small, comforting smile. Dana lifted her hand to reach for Katie's.
Dana's head snapped to her doorway when she heard a crash from the kitchen downstairs. Eddie was attempting to make himself something to eat, but couldn't manage to be quiet. Dana looked back to where the girl had been sitting beside her, but she was gone. Nothing but air surrounded Dana. Dana sighed and slammed backwards onto her bed. She adjusted so her head was now on her pillow. She thought back to the first time Katie spent the night with her. She thought about a vulnerable Katie curling up to her while they slept. She thought about Katie chasing her the next morning in the middle of the street and kissing her in the rain. Dana closed her eyes and tried to sleep. At least if she was dreaming, Katie would be there.
Katie wasn't doing much better than Dana. She couldn't get Dana out of her head. She couldn't stop thinking about their last kiss. It was a week after school had started again, and Katie was back at her mom's house to pick up a couple boxes of her stuff. Katie couldn't stop staring at the house across the street. She brushed a strand of her long black hair behind her ear and took a deep breath as she rang Dana's doorbell. Karen answered the door, and Katie waited for Dana to come home. As Dana walked through her bedroom door, she saw Katie perched on the edge patiently. The two girls began talking, but talking turned to yelling and yelling turned to fighting.
"You don't understand Dana!" Katie screamed at her, trying to explain herself, "I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to like girls. And I didn't want to want you! It just happened."
Dana rolled her eyes as Katie paced in front of her. "So you don't want me then? Or to be gay?"
Katie threw her head back in frustration. "No, that's not what I said."
"Then what are you saying, Katie? Because you're not making any sense."
Katie stopped pacing and stood firm in front of Dana. Her voice rose. "I didn't want to like girls. I didn't want to be gay." Dana's eyebrow rose, not understanding Katie. "Then I met you..." Dana pulled her closer and Katie's lips collided with her own. Katie wrapped herself around Dana, allowing the kiss to happen. Katie soon pulled away and ran her fingers through her hair. "I have to go," she muttered before rushing out of Dana's room. She didn't look at Dana again. Dana called after her, but couldn't catch up to Katie due to her injuries.
Katie was staring at herself in the bathroom mirror. Her hands gripped on the edge of the white vanity. Katie missed the way Dana's arms would wrap around her waist in the most gentle, loving way. Katie missed the tiny, soft kisses that Dana would give to her shoulder and neck. Katie missed staring into Dana's bright hazel eyes. Katie missed Dana.
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