《Lost & Insecure》Sixteen - The Silence
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Dana was working all weekend long so no one, especially Katie, had a chance to speak to her until Monday morning rolled around and school proudly interfered with life. From the moment Dana pulled her car into the school parking lot on Monday morning, people fought for her attention and time. Even Eddie had to fight people off in order to ask his cousin a simple question. People acted as if in forty-eight hours the world in their small town had fallen apart and Dana was the only salvation.
Several students required tutoring for math before the big unit test at the end of the week. Ashley needed to speak to her friend about anything and everything. Eddie struggled to pull his own weight in keeping Dana's attention long enough to receive more than one word responses from her. Marissa fought for at least one conversation alone with Dana. The yearbook all of the sudden groveled for Dana to become a photographer for them, and begged to steal her time away from photo club. And among all other things, Katie was failing to take Marissa's advice and fight for Dana.
Dana didn't understand the flood of attention she received on Monday, but she also didn't mind it too much. The busyness caused Dana's Monday to fly by so, to her, that was a plus. The only downside was that by the end of the day, Dana wanted a break from all of the craziness.
Katie had given up on her attempts before the day was even half over. She decided she'd wait until some other time to speak to Dana even though Katie knew that when that time eventually came all that she'd be able to say might be a half-hearted "hello." Katie sighed to herself thinking about it.
Katie walked out of the school after the final bell rang and headed towards the student parking lot. She walked to the same two spaces that Jesse parked in every day. The way Jesse saw it, taking up two spaces was a "safety investment." He couldn't afford an ignorant teenager to damage his baby in any way, shape, or form. If anything, he was doing the world a favor by parking like this.
Katie followed her daily routine of rolling her eyes at the sight of the jeep backed into two spaces, sent a fake smile towards her oh-so-loving-and-perfect boyfriend whom was somewhat patiently waiting in the car already, and climbed into the passenger seat. Katie and Jesse sat in silence waiting for Marissa to find her way to the car. Jesse huffed out a large breath in aggravation of the world not being on his schedule, and directed his attention towards his phone in order to occupy his time.
Katie glanced at her phone for no more than two seconds after seeing there were no notifications or messages, and then went on to stare out of the window watching the world around her. She instantaneously straightened in her seat at the sight of Marissa, being eager to get home. Katie's excited posture faded after noticing the person Marissa was walking with.
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Marissa's expression, at first, wasn't at her usual bright smile. She was upset for once, and it clearly showed. That's when Dana immediately began her attempt to make Marissa feel better and started going on and on about a completely random topic while attempting to keep a straight face. Dana nonsense seemed to pull a small smile out of the corner of Marissa's mouth. Katie could see that Dana had asked Marissa a question, but she couldn't make out what the question was. Marissa then pulled her phone to her ear then directed her attention to Jesse's jeep.
Jesse answered his buzzing phone with a grumpy, "yeah?" Katie waiting in anticipation of what Marissa could be saying to him, but she couldn't manage to hear anything from his end. "That's fine. Bye." Jesse hung up the phone and tossed it into his cup holder before starting his car. He pulled out of the parking lot, leaving Katie in a stunned silence. Katie glanced out the window as they pulled away and watched as Marissa climbed into Dana's car with her.
Katie didn't remember the car ride home or anything Jesse might have said to her. She was too preoccupied wondering where Dana and Marissa were headed off to. Katie's thoughts managed to slow down a little once Dana's car pulled up to her house. Katie wasn't happy to see Marissa entering Dana's house with her, but she was happy to know that Dana didn't take Marissa to their spot. Katie shook her thoughts out of her head. She didn't understand why she would think of the mountain as their spot. Katie told herself she had no right to lay any claim to any part of Dana – especially the mountain that she would run away to. Despite knowing that she had no right to lay any claim, it still reassured her to think that they could have a spot – a secret place that only they knew about.
Katie gave into her own desires and came to the conclusion that she needed to toughen up and talk to Dana. She couldn't sit by any longer and allow herself to let Dana slip through her fingers without a fight. So Katie stormed out of her house and across the street to Dana's. Katie stood, somewhat impatiently waiting for someone to answer the door. She could hear Eddie's voice coming from inside and a few short moments later, he swung the door open to greet her. Eddie happily welcomed Katie inside and asked what she happened to be doing there.
"Is Dana around?" Katie shyly asked, rubbing one hand against her arm out of discomfort. Eddie nodded and pointed towards the basement. Katie made her way down the steps, stopping on a small landing as she spotted Marissa and Dana.
Dana had gotten up from the couch to get a drink from the refrigerator in the basement storage room. "Do you want anything?" Dana asked Marissa over her shoulder.
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Marissa jumped to her feet and bounced after her, "Dana, wait." Dana stopped to turn around, but instead of being able to ask Marissa for clarification, she was greeted by Marissa's lips pressing against her own.
Katie's heart turned into lead and dropped to her stomach in an instant. She had witnessed the entire thing. Her posture was as perfect as it could be, but her eyes were now overcome with sadness. Katie could hear the rest of the world slow down and her own heartbeat begin to pound in her ears. She clenched her jaw as the memory of her first kiss with Dana ran through her mind like a sad song stuck on repeat. Katie retreated back up the stairs and out the front door. The rest of the world was still muted to her as she made her way back to her own house. Katie eventually made her way to her front steps, but only managed to gawk at the door once she reached it. She could feel the blood rushing out of her face.
She didn't understand what was happening to her, but she was too paralyzed from shock to care. Her face began to turn pale, her hearing became muffled, and her thoughts became distant. This had never happened to her before. Katie never had this reaction to anything. She knew she began to feel sick, but that was it. She didn't even realize that, medically, she was perfectly fine. She didn't know that the sharp pain she felt in the pit of her stomach, the pressure she felt on her chest, or the faint but disturbing ringing that she heard in her head all came as a result of one thing.
Pure and utter heartache: one of the cruelest feelings one could experience.
It was the kind of heartache that didn't come with a warning. The kind that was a direct result of ignored feelings and repressed daydreams building up because they couldn't find a way out. The kind that sneaks up on you and then hits you like a freight train. It was the kind of heartache that released every hidden, pushed aside, ignored, and denied emotion that you had bottled up inside of you all at once and rubbed every single one of those emotions in your face.
Only when a familiar voice called her name from across the street was Katie snapped out of her thoughts and back into her harsh reality. She spun around faster than the speed of light in order to respond to the voice. "What?" She asked for them to repeat their words to her, considering she was unable to hear them the first time.
"I said," The voice paused mid-sentence, looked both ways before crossing, and then proceeded to jog their way up to Katie before continuing, "I said, 'are you okay?'" Katie stared at the voice's clear brown eyes. She had looked at them a countless number of times before, but this was the first time she had really seen them. Katie nodded, unable to speak. "Are you sure?" Katie admittedly shook her head this time. The voice pulled her into a gentle hug. Katie's eyes, against her own will, began to water.
It wasn't long before she began to sob in the voice's arms. She couldn't help it; it just... happened.
The voice was the most serene Katie had ever heard it as they assured her that she would be okay. Katie sniffled and looked back up into the comforting brown eyes, still unable to form actual words. The voice smiled a warm, comforting smile at her while wiping her tears away.
Katie didn't say anything, and the voice didn't expect her to. Even if they didn't know exactly what Katie was thinking, they knew that she needed someone there. Katie hugged the voice again, feeling a strange sense of security in their arms. It wasn't the same kind of security one felt in the arms of a significant other. It was the kind of security felt in the arms of a real friend: the kind of security that Katie needed to feel at that moment in time.
Once Katie's mind began to settle, she pulled away from the hug and wiped her own tears away. She couldn't help but release a small chuckle, slightly out of embarrassment, and smile. The voice sent her another warm smile and patiently waited to make sure that Katie was okay before giving her a polite goodbye and turning to leave.
The voice was already across the street when Katie called after them, "Hey!" She waited for them to turn around before she spoke up again. They stared at each other for a brief moment before Katie managed to force two simple words out. "Thank you." The voice nodded at her and smiled again, knowing that those two words said a lot more than just simple appreciation. "Seriously," Katie paused again, frustrated with herself for struggling so much just to speak. "Eddie, I..."
Eddie shook his head slightly, "Don't worry about it." He sent her another small smile, and then slowly turned back around and made his way up his porch steps. He stopped himself before entering and turned to face Katie once more, "Look," Eddie was now the one struggling to speak. "I don't know what happened. And frankly, I don't really need to know. That's your own business. But-" Eddie hesitated, searching for the right words. "Just know that no matter whatever, or whoever, made you cry... You always regret what you don't say. It's always the silence that's the most haunting."
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