When the sun peeked inside my bedroom through the small crack between the curtains, yesterday evening already seemed far away.

Asa was a good kisser. Not that I had any comparison material, but I knew he was. He'd guided me so well it had seemed I knew what I was doing, too. And his lips were warm and soft. His hands and his breath on my neck were warm, too.

Goosebumps spread all over my skin at the memory. I covered my face with my sheets, smiling but feeling the need to hide at the same time.

Mom always wanted me to leave my attic room. She always urged me to 'live a little' and 'enjoy being young' and, man, did I do that. It was almost living too much. I felt like a one of the popular guys, going out, making out, and talking about it on Monday. Okay, I wouldn't talk about this on Monday but still.

Maybe I was simply the person the popular guy 'took advantage' of for one night. It was a more likely tale than the other way around. Asa was popular. He didn't seem to have many friends or dates or anything, but I was sure many people would agree to be his friend or sleep with him if he approached them.

I had agreed in a heartbeat, just because he'd decided to give me the time of day for now.

Seriously, this was too much for me. What the hell was I doing?

Having my first kiss and immediately letting Asa grab my ass. It sounded so vulgar. Not like something a geek from the misfit table would do. It wasn't something I imagined I'd ever do - and not for a lack of fantasising about stuff like that.

I only regretted that Asa didn't allow me to touch him. He'd grabbed my hands, guiding them away from his body when I'd finally worked up the courage to gingerly reach out. I didn't dare to ask him why afterward, when he brought me home in his car.

Rubbing my eyes, I pushed the sheets off of me with my feet.

I still had no idea what was going through Asa's mind. Or what exactly he wanted from me. Or how we'd act in school after this. I didn't even have his phone number to call him or ask him to meet up elsewhere.

What the hell was I doing, indeed.

Saturday, I spent all my time streaming Double Singularity single player games and then streaming some more - it helped distract me from real life and all the scary shit that came with it, if only for a moment.

On Sunday, the realisation that tomorrow was Monday hit me like a bag of bricks. All the panic that I'd happily been avoiding on Saturday, and the fact that I had no close real life friends I could talk to, drove me to desperate measures.

The group chat with my never-serious online friends.

extra_ordinary: guys we made out

GASP. EO! you promised not to tell anyone about us!

Chip: I think I'd remember it if we made out

NO. FFS. I meant I did with that same gu

I backspaced, changing 'gu' into 'girl.'

girl who said they considered it a compliment if I looked at their ass

Marius: EEuj, next on things that didn't happen

It did and now idk what to do. like how do i act monday?

idk, the way u always do?

Marius: yea, just make sure you don't make out with her in public

tends to freak ppl out when you're suddenly going at it with your right hand

>_>

just act normal. for some reason that attracted her in the first place. even if you don't get it

I sat back in my deckchair and crossed my arms. Huh. Sometimes I didn't believe Chip was still in his teens. He said he was turning twenty next March, but he kind of sounded like a mom there.

And, unlike my real mom who meant well but thought Fitbits and boxing classes solved all your problems, he actually had a point.

Besides, normal for me meant high-strung, stammering, and awkward. I could totally pull that off. That was my default.

On Monday at seven thirty in the morning, I stood at the school gate with trembling knees. Just to be sure, I'd brought Asa's usual payment of fifty dollars but I didn't see him on the way in.

In fact, I didn't see him at all during the morning. Which was honestly a normal occurrence - most days I didn't see Asa until it was lunch. I just wished I could tell my twisted-in-a-knot guts that.

Something was off when I walked into the cafeteria. A little voice in the back of my mind whispered Asa's not going to be there as I entered the crowded room, but for once the voice of doom was wrong.

I breathed in sharply.

Asa was already at our regular table, staring at his phone screen as usual. Next to him, Landon was making big gestures with his arms while he talked to a bored-looking Randall and a neutral-looking Camilla. My heart stuttered in my chest.

While I was conflicted before, now it was like I was walking on clouds as I approached the table. When I sat opposite Asa, my cheeks heated up and my eyes refused to obey, darting all over the place nervously.

"He's just not the best player. He's not!" Landon almost shouted from my right. I felt some spit droplets hitting my cheek, and wiped it away with a wrinkled nose.

Randall's nostrils flared. He crossed his arms. "Rolf won, though. Fair and square. That makes him the best player in school."

"He's a bit boring in his style, though," quiet Camilla piped up. "Always going for a variation of the observatory-bridge strategy? He's a one trick pony."

"Exactly!" Landon's eyes sparkled as he gestured at Camilla. "See? All cheap tricks. She gets it!"

"It's a good trick that made him win." Randall shrugged. "Whether we like him or not or think it's dull doesn't change that."

Landon narrowed his eyes at Randall, then turned to me. "What do you think? He's cheap, isn't he? He'll never make it against the big players online, and he's gonna find that out when he tries to join bigger events. I can't wait."

I cleared my throat, darting a glance at Asa who had thus far refused to look up from his phone.

"I, uh, don't know, to be honest," I lamely replied.

My brain was offline. Too preoccupied with Asa, who flat out ignored me.

It was like someone had hit the big reset button over the weekend. Started a new game. Wiped his memory.

I was an idiot for thinking it'd be different.

Asa didn't glance at me once during lunch. Rolf was a different story. He glared at me, which was only adding to the nausea which made me slide my sandwich into my backpack untouched.

Despite not even competing, apparently a target had still been placed on my back all over again. The problem with Rolf was far from solved, like I'd promised my parents.

I was extra careful while sneaking into the school parking lot later- the designated place where I always handed Asa a fifty for his services. Safely away from watchful eyes.

With my hands stuffed in my jacket pockets, I shivered in the cold November wind.

Asa was late.

My heart dropped further and further every passing minute. I almost gave up, when the school entrance doors finally opened.

"Hey," I greeted Asa quietly. I pulled my wallet out and stared down at it while I searched for the fifty I owed him.

"No," Asa said. From the corner of my eye I saw his hand move towards mine, but then he dropped it again. "Don't--"

Just like he'd dropped his hand, he cut himself off. When I looked at him, he was finally looking at me too. His expression was deadpan, but his jaw twitched as he swallowed.

"Don't," he then repeated curtly. "Keep that."

Before I could ask what was going on, Asa hurried on, disappearing into the bike and motorcycle shed.

He left me with today's fifty scrunched up in my fist. I smiled, carefully smoothing it out and tucking it back into my wallet.

It wasn't much, but at least Asa wasn't completely made out of stone. He wouldn't do this for everyone. I had to mean something to him now, even if it wasn't clear what.

I had a feeling it wasn't entirely clear for either of us. But I could live with that. For now.