• • •

"Okay," Romano concernedly began. "What about your parents?"

"I don't even know where to begin," I humorlessly chuckled. "Let's start with my father. Well I'd say a lot, except I've never actually met him."

Lily winced. "Why not?"

"My dad passed away a couple months before I was born. He was a firefighter–died on duty, saving other people. It was honestly a selfless way to go. I only know about him through stories and pictures. Jo, my aunt, says I'm a lot like him."

"Rose, I'm so sorry," Romano sadly comforted. "If he was anything like you, then I'm sure he was amazing."

I softly smiled and nodded, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, I would do just about anything to meet him, but it's not possible. My mom, she took it the hardest. Her and dad had been married for a few years, trying for a baby. After she got pregnant with me, they were so close to their happy ending, but then he died. She became depressed, and without even meaning to, I became a constant reminder of her dead husband."

"No," Lily covered her mouth in shock.

I grimaced and continued. "My mom was present though. Even through her depression, she attempted to give me a semi-normal childhood. I'll always love her for that."

There was a bittersweet smile on my face. It was true. My mother tried her best to make the most out of a bad situation and I was endlessly grateful.

"If you don't mind me asking," Romano reluctantly began, "where's your mom now?"

"She's dead."

Lily and Ro gasped in sync at my short response. I decided to give a little more context.

"She killed herself... in front of me," I revealed.

They were mortified.

"What?" Lily gasped. "What do you mean in front of you?"

I took a shaky breath. With distant eyes, I recounted the day my mom had committed suicide in front of me.

• • •

The street was silent and the winter air nipped at my skin. My tiny fingers were numb by now, and every time I exhaled, a white cloud formed in front of me. Impatiently fiddling with my Barbie doll, I glanced up at my mother. We'd been standing in front of this bridge for at least an hour.

"Mommy, let's go home. I'm hungry!" I tugged at her hand.

"Just a couple more minutes, my love," Mommy said, her voice cracking.

She looked up at the gray sky almost thoughtfully, but I couldn't figure out what was running through her mind. Nothing about my mom was making sense. She was acting stranger than usual. Even though I was only six years old, I knew well enough to question my mother's odd behavior.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" I asked in confusion.

She ignored my question as if willing me to go away, but I continued staring at her. Knotted blonde hair, dark eye bags, pale skin–she looked miserable, especially with those tears streaming down her face.

I softly spoke again. "Mommy, what's the matte–"

"Hush, Rose!" she snapped.

Mommy whipped her head my way and gave me a look that practically made me recoil. It wasn't the first time she'd yelled at me, but I flinched anyways. She was often short with me, but was always regretful afterwards.

My mom's blue eyes softened at the way my lower lip quivered. "I'm sorry, baby."

I nodded and accepted her apology only because she looked desperate. My mom suddenly clutched my hand and crouched down. Yet, she wasn't looking me in the eye. I wondered why.

"Oh, Rose," she wept. "I wish I could be stronger for you. I wish I could be more like him, but I'm not. I'm not a good parent. I'm not a good parent. I can't do this anymore."

She was sobbing now. I was scared.

"Who's him?" I asked.

She ignored me, continuing to ramble on. "Even when I'm gone, I want you to be a good girl. You're so beautiful, so perfect... don't let anyone change that. Just... be kind. Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody."

"What do you mean, when you're gone? You're right here, mommy," I quietly spoke, my innocent eyes widening.

Mommy shook my shoulders, looking like a madman with mascara smeared underneath her eyes.

"That doesn't matter, Rose! You have to promise me."

"Promise what?"

"Promise you'll be a good girl. Promise me!"

"Okay, I promise," I nervously stepped back, because her hands were starting to hurt me.

My action did not go unnoticed, and my mother stared down at her hands, suddenly very still.

"Did I... Did I hurt you?"

I didn't answer her. I didn't need to. My mother was already shaking and spewing out apologies at me.

"It's okay, Mommy. Just... why won't you look at my face?"

She froze as if she hadn't expected the question. I could see her face twist as she held back even more tears. "You look too much like him," she said so softly that I almost didn't hear it.

Who's him? I wanted to ask. Though, any more questions and I knew I'd be pushing the limit, so I decided to zip my lips. Mommy gave me a wobbly smile without meeting my eyes, before turning around and slowly walking towards the edge of the bridge.

She finally glanced at me. I would never forget the heart wrenching look in her glassy eyes. "I love you, Rose," Mommy said, sniffling.

"Okay," I replied timidly. "I love you too."

Satisfied with my answer, my mom turned around. Slowly, she climbed on top of the guardrail. With worry, I watched her shake and wobble. What was she doing? My question was answered soon enough.

Mommy tilted over the edge of the bridge and fell into the water. It reminded me of when I'd create a Jenga building. One wrong move, and the whole thing went crashing down.

I gasped. The smallest, tiniest gasp.

I heard the splash of her body hitting the water. Dropping my Barbie doll, I ran over to the edge of the bridge, peering into the water where my mother had fallen.

"Mommy," I yelled, my voice shaky. "Why did you jump off the bridge?"

No answer. I frantically ran down the street, searching for someone to help her. Anyone. At last, I spotted a car approaching the lone street. I waved my tiny arms and jumped up and down.

"Watch it, kid!" A gruff voice snapped from the car, swerving around me. They drove over a puddle, and freezing water splashed all over me.

I began to cry. No help was coming. At least, not for a long time. I helplessly peered beyond the bridge once more, overlooking the murky water, in which my mother's body had submerged.

"Mommy," I whispered.

But she didn't hear me. No one did.

I was just a kid, but that moment was going to stick with me for the rest of my life.

• • •

With a heavy heart, I finished recounting the memory and continued.

"Hours later, a car passing by helped me. They asked me what I was doing all alone out in the cold and I explained what happened. They called an ambulance, but it was too late. She'd been in the water for hours..." I trailed off. "I know my mom was depressed and completely out of it, but a part of me can't help but be so... upset. I was only six years old. I didn't deserve to witness that."

I didn't even realize I was crying until Romano slid over and wrapped me in a hug.

"I have this irrational fear of water," I explained in a hoarse tone. "I've never learned how to swim because of it. I'm afraid, because I know what it did to my mom. It's stupid, but..."

"Oh, Rose. It's not stupid at all," Lily whispered, joining in on the hug.

Although tears dripped down my face and sniffles erupted from my nose, I couldn't help but feel relieved. I'd never felt comfortable enough to tell anyone about my past... not until now.

• • •