I was in my small home theater completely shrouded in darkness. Well, it wasn't exactly dark since the projector was on and I was rewatching Jane Eyre with a bottle of Jack Daniels pressed to my lips. I knew I said that I'd stop drinking but the disgust I felt towards my old friend was only temporary and blinded by the fear of losing Kwashie.

The novel to this movie was spectacular and just like I had cried while flipping through the last pages, I cried while the movie ended. It wasn't the end as yet though, I had just put the movie on and I had just popped the cap from the fresh bottle of Jack Daniels feeling the cool glass in my palms. I was on sick leave and I was supposed to be taking medication but I ditched those for weed and I ditched water for whiskey. Kwashie went to school and I'd be here missing out my whole first week. Maybe I should just transfer.. that sounds like a great idea to me.

I was in a Journalism group chat and everyone kept sending me care and pity statements. I didn't need it because I was quite capable of throwing my own pity party just as I was doing now. I watched the movie intently, I knew the plot but I still acted as if this was my first time. I loved this movie and I couldn't exactly tell why.

"Zidania?" Sharon called from the door.

"Wassup Shar?" I asked not bothering to hide the bottle.

"Aren't you on medication?" She asked.

"I should be but I'm not going to take pills for something they can't even diagnose." I defended.

"I get you. I brought your wooden box." She handed me the box.

"I can't smoke in here, you know Richard set up smoke detectors."

"I also brought you ice cream." She laughed.

"Thanks, Shar."

"I hope you're not feeling sorry for yourself."

"Too late." I smiled at her.

"Come on, the great egotistical Zidania is afraid to show her face at school because she might've bled all over her shirt and stood up looking like the walking dead speaking a language no one understood?"

"Now that you put it into words, it sounds MUCH worst." I hissed my teeth.

"Okay. It kinda did." She laughed.

"You'll get over it." She said.

"Not if that witch is in my class. She'll continue to torment me and I'll continue to have episodes and if I have episodes every week and get a sick leave that lasts for a week then I might as well just drop out of school right now." I lifted a finger every time I made a point.

"She's trying to kill me. I feel it."

"She's not trying to kill you, don't you think you're overreacting?"

"I'm not Shar!! I should've never said I was engaged but I wasn't flaunting or anything." I sighed.

"This is just like any Disney movie." Sharon loves Disney movies.

"How?"

"You and Kwashie are the royalty, right? Kacely is the bad witch that lives in a dark gloomy castle far away."

"And?"

"She was in love with your spouse from a younger age but they could never be together because of who they were and the responsibilities they both had. So she had to love him from a distance even though she knew he didn't feel the same way. You come along and she's trying everything in her powers to keep you guys apart because she would prefer him lonely just like her." I felt like a five year old getting told a bedtime story.

"Why can't she just let the royalties be happy?" I pouted.

"Because my little mittle, misery loves company."

That's what CJ said to me. And darling, I'm absolutely, terrifyingly miserable.

Words that drove me to insanity. Those words drove me to change my view on life and my heart. I was now remorseless and unfeeling when it came to guilt. Could misery really lead us to doing irrational things? If so, I needed to get my misery on because I didn't plan to sit back and be a pin cushion for this mad woman.

"Look at the bright side, Zim. In the end, love and goodness always presides." She kissed my forehead before getting up and leaving.

Was I good?

I'm sure it was now evening time going to night. My pizza had gotten cold but I was still slowly munching on the slices I had left. I was bat shit drunk and the only thing preventing my head from spinning was the water Sharon had forced me to drink and the countless times I went to release my bladder. I was watching A Walk to Remember, watching the bad boy fall in love with the witty and sarcastic good girl, cliche but they had something else up their sleeves that gets me every time. Kwashie was supposed to be here from her class ended at 3 but I guess she has other plans. I sipped the gingery green juice that Sharon gave to me in a fucking sippy cup watching the movie and chewing pizza.

"Just listen to her, you fucking idiot. You guys can't be together." I hissed my teeth.

"Leave her aloooooone. Ni- dudes can't take no for an answer, huh!?" I cussed at the projector.

I angrily watched as he still courted her despite the times she ran him away. We always love what we can't have, ain't it? We always kill ourselves over the unattainable.

"Glad I know my fucking worth, ain't no bitch gone have me running behind her flat ass."

"I'll probably jog a lil but that's besides the point right now."

I continued to watch as she finally gave him a chance and they have a good time, it was beautiful but I knew what was coming next and I felt sorry for the poor guy. The scene was next, I gripped the leather arm of the chair and braced myself for it. I knew Jamie's lines like they were my own.

"I'm sick." I waited for Landon to say his lines.

I'll take you home. You'll be...

"No. Landon! I'm sick.. I have Leukemia." The tears were running down my face and I prepared myself for the ugly bawling session that I was about to have.

No. You're 18. You.. you're perfect.

"No. I found out two years ago and I've stopped responding to treatments."

So why didn't you tell me?

"The doctor said I should go on and live life as normally as best as I could. I- I didn't want anybody to be weird around me."

Including me?

"ESPECIALLY YOU! Ya know, I was getting along with everything fine. I accepted it, and then YOU happened! I do not need a reason to be angry with God." I placed my loose fist over my mouth as my lips curled up from the crying.

I was angry at God and I was angry at the Devil, I was angry at the two equal forces that kept the world balanced. I was angry at Nicholas Sparks for killing me every time yet still, every time I stepped into a book store I looked for his name first, not even Stephen King with his amazing nick for a good horror tale or Eric Jerome Dickey with his wild fantasies. But, these were all popular writers and sometimes I'd venture further into the back of the bookstore and find books with titles like See Jane Die or The Mortal Instruments before it was discovered by producers and made into a hot shot movie with characters that didn't match your imagination of the description in the book. The guy who acted Jace wasn't ugly, I guess but he wasn't THE Jace that I imagined in my mind when I read the first book in the series, when he ran his blade through the demon in the middle of the poorly lit club and I first met my teenage crush that I knew would never happen because he wasn't real and I was fruity.

"Or when you found out that he and Clary were related." I laughed through my tears at how excited I was at the fact that they couldn't be together so I'd get a chance with the bad boy.

He was an idiot though, an idiot who longed for some kind of roots. He wanted to know who his father was and the lack of roots made us believe anything we were told. I don't know my father and I'd never accept him in my life. He could have stories that made Sophia the antagonist and I still wouldn't care, I was content with Richard and it would stay that way.

I've read books where the characters had destination sickness and in all of them it's either they weren't happy or their past followed them there. You'll never find happiness in another place unless you find happiness where you are, but did I believe that? I believed in new beginnings and self care and if self care meant disappearing for 7 years with only phone contact or no contact at all and emerging with a new name like Juan or Ugene without an E then so be it, or Christophene for Christ's sake!

You can't run away from your problems.

I never said I was running away from my problems, it's more like seeking pure energy and leaving the negative ones behind. I couldn't runaway from my life here because I loved it too much. I loved the itchy Christmas sweaters Richard got every year and I sure loved the surplus of free liquor. I loved this small movie room and I loved my depression crevice with the AC running 24/7 despite Richard cursing me about the light bill. I mean, I did turn it off when I left the house but I'm home majority of the times because I literally have no friends and it sucks because I'm not an introvert but the comfort of my home made me one.

"I told you to leave her alone, Landon. Yo stupid ass didn't listen."

"Are you going to say that every time you watch this movie?" I looked up to see Richard walking to me.

"Hey, papaya." I fist bumped him.

"How's your sick leave coming along?" He asked.

I lifted my clear, tall sippy cup with the green juice showing it to him and hearing his laughter.

"Sharon.."

"She treats me like a 5 year old." I pouted.

"And she treats me like a rebellious teenager in my own house. Did I tell you that she threatened me with the baseball bat because I said I didn't feel like drinking the green juice? It was extra green that day." He shuddered.

"Bet you gulped that bad boy down quicker than police responds in white neighborhoods." I laughed.

"Zim!! I was redder than a basket filled with tomatoes." I slapped my knee and threw my head back with laughter.

"Sharon wants to open her own diner." He was now sitting beside me.

"That's pretty dope." I nodded.

"She asked for my help and of course I said yes to an investment but..." he trailed off.

"I don't wanna lose her either." I sighed knowing what the problem was.

"I really don't. I'm afraid of getting someone new and they don't understand us, you know?"

"Same papaya, same." I was already sad.

"We're going to be happy for her though, she deserves it."

"She does and I'll be getting free food so I ain't complaining right there."

"Same Zim, same." We both laughed.

There was something else that he wanted to say but it seems as if he didn't know how to. I knew Richard pretty well, so I knew when things weren't adding up. I went to my anime list on Netflix and decided to finish the episodes I had left on Seven Deadly Sins. He watched with me and we made our usual commentary. The thing about our relationship was that we watched everything and everything meant from creepy documentaries about old 18th century asylums and serial killers still at large today to Adventure time and the occasional anime where we compared old anime to new ones.

"So..." he started. I tried to keep calm since I didn't know what he had to say.

"Sophia called me today." He said.

"Really?"

"Yeah and I'm so perplexed that she called after so long you know?" Richard believed that silence spoke louder than words.

"I feel you. What she say?"

"She SAID.." he corrected my poor grammar.

"I can still use say because she say something in the moment, okay?" I had excuses for everything.

"No."

"Whatever, what did she SAY?" I emphasized the say.

"She said that she's pregnant." I made a funny animal noise while my eyes grew wide from shock.

"And she's due in a few days."

**

Alexa, play Billy Jean