I sat in my dark room staring blankly at the tv. The characters moved across the screen but I heard nothing and I registered nothing. My chest aches and my room is a complete mess. Pizza boxes and empty ice creams tubs lay everywhere, small plastic cake containers with icing smudges have yet to attract the rodents and insects that loved these kind of clutters.

I probably stunk knowing how easily my arm sweats despite the blast of the air conditioner in my room and right now it was on the lowest setting. I would move from my position here between the mass of pillows to use the bathroom and hold my head low, afraid to look at my reflection in the mirror.

I had just died for the 10th time playing a chapter in Grand Theft Auto V, I wasn't angry and frustrated as I would've been on a regular day but this was no regular day. This was the day that marked one month and 15 days since I last spoke to Kwashie. Our wedding would be coming up soon and just as how this wasn't a regular day, that wasn't a regular wedding. I couldn't just call it off because Richard and Mr Ekuban needed it to be over and done with.

Maybe I should've just stuck with the original plan of non attachments and a compromise of only interacting for business purposes but no, I had to go and trip over my own senses and fall hopelessly in love with this dark chocolate, poetic monster. A beautiful monster, she was at least.

Richard haven't tried to get me out of my room, we spoke the day I went to get my fitting and he would message me or FaceTime me to see if I was living. Sharon brought the pizza and everything I asked for, she knew I had to deal with this is in my own way and being reclusive and avoiding was my way of dealing with things.

I clicked the remote and allowed YouTube to load on the screen. I'd listen to sad music to make myself feel worst, happy music just didn't cut it anymore. Kwashie stopped calling after the first week of me ignoring her calls. Mama Ekuban came to look for me but I wouldn't allow her in, she ended up FaceTiming me on Richard's phone.

"Beautiful girl, don't cry. I have tried talking to Kwashie but he won't open up to me either, I'm sorry that you are going through this." She had said.

I didn't want an apology from her, I wanted it from Kwashie. I even started convincing myself that the problem was that Kwashie is a male, a lesbian and a male cannot coexist in a relationship but then I had stopped calling myself a lesbian for some time now since it only had confused me whenever I thought about my labels. I shouldn't be labeling myself but it kept me sane.

"1...2...3...4...5...6" I started counting.

It was the only thing that has helped me to calm myself over the years. I'd count my steps, I'd count down minutes. I listened to the wall clock tick and I counted along with it. Youtube was now fully up and I skimmed through the playlists that I had created.

"Here we go," I said to myself.

I clicked on the love is stupid playlist and allowed the first song to play. I made whale noises to sound like the first note of the song, I probably was exaggerating but that's how it came out.

"Midnight, I've got trouble sleeping. I'm making my way up to the street where we last kissed." I had the remote up to my mouth singing with my eyes closed.

I prepared this playlist because I knew heartbreak was inevitable, it was either supposed to be that Carter and I drifted apart or that either one of us cheated or did something unforgivable but here I was singing with a heavy heart with fresh hot tears running down my cheeks not for Carter Jones but for Kwashie, even though I still didn't have a complete reason to be feeling this way. It was the lack of respect and trust that broke me, it was the fact that she was keeping secrets and hiding something. She told me that the only way a relationship would work with her is if it was built on communication but fucking ironically she wasn't communicating with me.

"In one hand, I hold a picture of you. In the other i hold the pieces of my heart."

"Was my love not enough? Did I ask too much? As my heart turns to rust, over yooooouuuu."

I bellowed out the last notes feeling like a wolf under a full moon. I wasn't the best singer and I've accepted that a long time ago since I only ever sung for my own pleasure. I hid all of the empty Jack Daniels bottles under my bed, I didn't want them to mix with the food clutter.

"And so long, I've got trouble sleeping. I can't help but feel a little insecure, so unsure..."

"Was my loooooove, not enough? Did I aaaaaaaaask too much? As my heaaaaaaaaart turns to rust!! Over yooooooooooou, I fucking hate yoooooooooooou." I sung out.

I didn't hate her, it was the furthest thing from hate because if I hated her then I wouldn't be feeling this way right now. I had missed my suit fitting appointments because I didn't want to go out and face the world, I didn't want to see Kwashie. She stopped trying to reach out to me, why doesn't she care? Why do I care? Why does it hurt this much? I watched as the song played out and the other started, it was another Kodaline song and this one was equally as sad as the first.

I allowed the song to play out while I let my thoughts consume me. I was hopeless, I was here hurting while she was probably entertaining her hundreds of love interests. I was also angry, no doubt about that but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction to know that she is getting any sort of emotions from me so I ghosted the whole world.

"Hello?" I answered my phone knowing it was Richard that was calling.

"The tailor is here to fit your suit," he said.

"That's nice of him.." I trailed off.

"Please shower and come downstairs, I'm waiting." His voice was soft and held patience for me.

I didn't deserve it, I took his love away and he maintained his composure and here I was completely broken down. We all handled pain differently but I wish I wore it better, just as he does.

I pushed my covers off hearing the crumpling of chips bags and water bottles hitting the carpeted floor with a soft thud. I groaned at my stiff limbs and dragged myself to the bathroom, it was clean compared to my room. I stripped down and went to have a shower, the water was cold. I couldn't bare the feeling that the hot water would bring. I wanted to feel numb, I wanted to continue feeling miserable.

I was now walking down the steps in joggers, an oversized T-shirt and socks. My wild and outgrown hair was frizzy and untamed, my skin skin was pale and I'm sure the bags under my eyes made me resemble a zombie.

"Zim.." Richard addressed me first.

"Dad.." I called back to him.

"Mr Saveti agreed to come to you for the fitting, I told him you had come down with the flu and was unable to make it to your appointments." He explained.

"I've seen you in a better state, Miss Zidania. I hope you feel better before the big day." He gave me a warm smile.

"Thank you.." I tried my best to hold back the sobs that wanted to come.

I took the suit from him and went to the downstairs bathroom to change. I stared at myself in the full length mirror on the back of the door, the suit was beautiful. It fitted perfectly even though this was my first fitting, everything seemed right. It was a three piece suit with a low cut single button jacket. I walked back to the family room to a waiting Mr Saveti spinning so he could see.

He got up and lifted my arms then stepped back to look me up and down. He took out his small notebook and started writing down scribbles while looking up at me.

"This is perfect," I heard Richard voice his opinion.

"Only because I have a perfect model," Mr Saveti said.

I blushed and looked away from them. He continued to pinch at the sides and scribble more notes.

"I'll have it ready for your big day, don't you worry about a thing." He patted my shoulders.

I nodded and moved away to take the suit off. My steps are slow and clumsy. I managed to take the suit off and got dressed in my previous attire. I took it to him handing it back, I watched him stuff it into the brown paper bag and placed his notebook and pencil back into his shoulder bag. He was a short Italian man with a gray mustache and well groomed hair.

"I have a proposal for you," he said to me.

Richard looked at me and I met his gaze, I loved proposals and he knew that.

"Let's hear it," I said.

"You model for me." He stated.

"And?" I asked waiting for the rest of the proposal.

"That's it, model for me. I would like you to be the face of my tailor shop." His faint Italian accent caught my attention.

"That's a big opportunity," Richard said.

"Does this mean I could be a manager? You could be my talent.." he continued. This was Richard, he was always a few steps ahead of the crowd.

"It's a yes but can we start after the wedding? And after I get settled in with school.." I added remembering that Kwashie and I would be going to the same college here in town.

"I'll wait for you," he said to me.

I thanked him and watched as Richard saw him out. I stood in my same spot waiting on Richard to come back.

"Bar or movies?" He asked.

"Bar..." I smiled.

He let out a small shriek and sped off in the direction to the bar. He knew that going to the bar would mean that I was ready to talk and right now I wasn't sure if I was but it's now or never.

"If you're here looking like that I'm assuming she said bar," I heard Sharon say as I turned the corner.

Richard didn't answer he just bobbed his head up and down excitedly drumming the bar top with his fingers.

"Zim." Sharon called me as soon as I sat down.

"Shar."

"How are you?"

"I've been better." I sighed.

"I can see that."

"Scotch on the Rocks?" She asked me.

"How about a Double black label on the rocks and a blunt cigar, thank you." I said.

"Richard?" She said.

"Whiskey." He answered.

"So....." Richard said when Sharon turned to fix our drinks.

"The first thing I'd like to know is when are you going to clean your room?" He asked me, I started laughing because this was expected.

"She laughs!!" He brought his hands up to his face.

"I laugh.." I said.

"I'll clean it." I added.

"I can clean it for you, I mean.. it's alright and it's kind of my job. I don't do anything around here anyways." Sharon said.

"You do enough," Richard defended.

Sharon placed an ashtray between Richard and I then handed me the lighter with the blunt cigar. I placed it between my lips and sparked the lighter up burning the end and dragging the smoke into my cheeks. I passed the lighter to Richard and he did the same. Sharon poured our drinks and opened a light beer for herself. We all brought our drinks together.

"To the best employers ever," Sharon said.

"Fuck love!" I raised my voice.

"Here, here," Richard laughed.

We all laughed and brought our drinks to our lips. The smoke from the cigars filled the room along with our laughter and our voices expressing our innermost thoughts. I was afraid to feel anything again because I thought it would result in pain but this felt like nothing other than happiness, felt like I was safe from the world.

"Zidania?" I heard from behind me.

The laughter died down and the room was now gloomy despite the bright glow of the lights that lined the bar and the back glass. That feeling that I felt for over a month came back full force knocking the wind and joy right out of me. It was 45 days since I last heard that voice, I knew because I counted.

"Shit.." I heard Richard say from beside me.

I didn't lift my gaze from the counter, I heard him and Sharon mumbling to each other.

"You didn't know he was coming?" Sharon said.

"No, he hasn't been here for over a month. How was I supposed to know that he would show on the day that we finally got her out of that damn room." His whisper was harsh and forced as if he wanted to shout but he couldn't.

"Zidania," I heard again.

"Richard." I whispered. The tears falling from my eyes and directly landing on the glass of the bar top.

"Kwashie, you can't be here." I heard Richard say.

"Don't make me have to go for my bat." Sharon threatened.

"Please, I just want to talk to her." Kwashie said.

"I don't think she wants to talk to you." Richard said.

"Zidania?" Kwashie was pleading but I didn't answer.

"Please, just leave." Richard started walking towards her.

"I won't leave until she hears what I have to say." Her voice was strong.

"We don't care, you had a whole month. She's moved on." Sharon said. I haven't.

"I had to get my thoughts in check before I tried explaining anything." She explained.

"Well you're a month too late Ekuban," Sharon defended me.

"Please..." she begged.

"Zim?" I heard Richard calling my name. I shook my head no.

"I'm sorry Kwashie but you've hurt her enough." Richard sighed.

"Let me make the pain stop, let me fix this." She cried out.

"When she wanted you to talk you didn't, so you just have to wait until she's ready to talk." Sharon said.

"I..." Kwashie trailed off.

"I guess I'll see you at the wedding," her words were addressed to me.

I guess....

"I'm sorry for coming here," she apologized

"Call next time," Richard said.

I let out the breath that I was holding and my back loosened from the stiff posture I was in. My hands tightened around my cold glass as I lifted the cup and allowed the remaining contents to flow down my throat. My insides were screaming for Kwashie, was begging me to go and stop her from driving away from me. I counted the amount of steps I thought she would have to take to get back to her car.

25...25...27...

How would I react at the wedding? I sighed and got up without another word, I made my way to the kitchen grabbing a tray and filling it up with snacks and more ice cream. I counted the steps it took to get back to my room, back to my depression crevice.