I looked over at Kwashie with a shocked expression. I mean, it was one thing to assume but confirmation was a whole other ball game. Instead of pouring the whiskey into his glass, he placed two ice cubes into his mouth and turned the bottle of whiskey to his head. I didn't want to stop him, if he needed liquid courage to fully confess everything then so be it.

"I'm a girl," he said again but it was more for himself than for me.

"You're a girl?" I asked.

"Yes," I guess I should stop saying he and him now.

"Why is your voice so deep?" I asked.

"I took testosterone shots for my first year." She explained.

"But you still have your breasts?" I asked and she nodded her head.

"And vagina?" I asked.

"Yes." She said.

"So why didn't your parents go the full journey?" I asked.

"It was all my father's idea. Said he wanted a boy child anyways." She shrugged her shoulders.

"My mother tried to convince him to just adopt a teenager but he said that they wouldn't understand and they would rebel and that me being his only child would never rebel." She took another drink of Whiskey from the bottle.

"So he persuaded my mom into making me as physically and mentally masculine as possible, they didn't agree on the sex change because they said that God would not approve of such things but my birth paper was changed and I'm a registered male." She sighed.

"My father also said that since I wanted to dress masculine and behave like a dyke then the transition should be easy for me but it wasn't." She lifted her finger to wipe a tear that had fallen from her eye.

I took the extra blanket that I had walked with and moved closer to sit next to Kwashie. I wrapped the blanket around both of us and she leaned onto my shoulder.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were extremely beautiful. I thought that maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all but I made up my face because you seemed shallow and spoilt. I didn't need that, I grew up poor and I actually migrated here three years ago. I didn't grow around my mother and father but they would keep tabs on me. I was with my grandmother and even though she was a traditionalist, she never had a problem with how I dressed and the sports I played." She said.

"I'm sorry to hear about all of this, it seemed to have put you through so much stress." I said running my hand up and down her arm.

"It must've been stressful for you, I believe." She said. "Having to learn two new languages and be uncomfortable in your own body because of the clothes you were forced to wear." She patted my knee.

"Yeah, it was rough." I chuckled.

"So I'm assuming you're stud for stud?" I asked her.

"What do you mean by that?" She asked me.

"You're like a stud because you dress masculine and I'm basically a stud too.." I tried to explain.

"I don't think it matters but I guess I am. Why does this side of the world put labels on already labelled things? Back in Africa a lesbian is a lesbian, we just blend in more with the men because we look so rugged." She said and I let out a loud and hearty laugh.

"It doesn't matter to me but I just had to ask. So have you had any previous girlfriends before? Were they masculine or feminine." I asked.

"I've had maybe five girlfriends, three feminine and two masculine. The masculine ones were very feminine on the inside. I like females like that, the ones who don't forget that they're actually still a female under the clothes." She said. Jackpot.

"So I guess this is it, huh?" I sighed.

"Yes. We are fated to be married next year and by then I would prefer to have not just your hand but also your heart," she moved so that she was sitting directly in front of me.

"Well I'm currently in love with someone right now," I held my head low.

"Who is it? Carter Jones?" She asked and I nodded.

"Soon enough you'll just love her, you won't be in love with her anymore especially not when your days and nights will be filled with me. I have a question to ask you." She said.

"Go ahead," I lifted my head to look into her eyes.

"Zidania McGlashan, will you be my girlfriend?" She asked.

"I don't see us parting ways for now so why not?" I said.

"It's a yes or no question." She rolled her eyes.

"Yes.." I said slowly.

She let out a feminine shriek and held onto my face quickly pulling me in for a short kiss. I still saw a male when I looked at this person so that was kind of hard for me. I smiled at her and knew that this would definitely take some getting used to.

"I understand that gay marriage isn't legal here and this is why we have to do this," I said.

"I'm glad you understand." She said.

"I will continue referring to you as he and him. This will be our little secret, I promise." I lifted my pinky finger and she lifted hers, intertwining them together and repeating that she promised too.

"I think this deserves some more joints." I laughed and took out two going behind her back to light them.

I passed on to her and she took it taking a drag. We sat silently listening to the waves rush up to the shoreline and running back when it was called. I think I'm at peace with this whole arrangement now but what would my mother say? She can be quite the bitch when things aren't going her way, I'm actually surprised that she let Richard win the argument about me dressing how I wanted to.

I looked at Kwashie and watched as she tilted her head back and blew the smoke into the night air. Her jawline wasn't soft but her eyes still held that soft almond shape of a woman. Her lips were plump and the right shade to match her dark skin tone. The moon shone directly onto her face and she appeared as an African goddess ready to make my dreams come true.

She held her head down and our eyes connected, I saw everything in those eyes. She was vulnerable and all she wanted was acceptance for her weird physical built and unstable emotional health. I was here and I'd be here until the end of times. I didn't mind getting married and the whole family shebang, I just wanted it to be with someone I loved and even though a piece of my heart will forever be with CJ I could see myself falling in love with the little things about her. The way how under her eyes got dark when she was upset, the way she said my love in her thick African accent. It sent chills running up and down my spine, it was as if I got electrocuted but the effects weren't severe.

"I can tell that you're willing to give me a chance," she broke the silence.

"How'd you know?" I asked.

"The soft expression on your face when our eyes met, you're willing to be there for me and I for you, my love." She said. There it was, those words of endearment that sent my heart racing.

"I always wanted to marry for love, never thought I'd be in an arranged marriage but I'm glad that it's you. I'm sad that it's not my first love and I had planned on her being my only love but fate has two different destinations for us and I'm willing to take my path. I'll never stop loving her." I said.

"I understand. Love will not come now for us but I'm hoping that somewhere in the future you can be whole again and love me, not as you love her but as you shall love me." She said. Her voice was soft.

"The first cut is the deepest they say but I have a first aid kit and I'm willing to heal that wound with my love and affection."she smiled at me.

She was right. It was her and not CJ that I'd be getting married to, I had to get over this teenage love and move on. I knew what love is and I also knew what it wasn't. CJ has never loved me wrongly but I on the other hand mentally abused her, she was there for me when I wasn't there for myself and all I did was drain her of her energy yet still she loved me throughout her exhaustion. That was love but it was also selfish love, I never deserved her from the beginning. I broke her every time I needed to feel whole and that wasn't love and I deeply regret not being able to give her the love that she truly deserved but here was Kwashie, here was my chance at redemption. A chance to show that I've lifted my self up and I'm ready to give selfless and wholehearted love.

"Can you walk?" I asked her getting aware that we've been out here for a very long time.

"Of course, I'm 18. Not two," she said and jumped up.

She jumped up a little two quickly though because before she knew what was happening, she was stumbling backwards into the sand losing balance. She fell flat onto her back and I keeled over in laughter.

"Okay sis, if that's what you call walking." I made air quotes around walking.

I got up and walked over to her to give her a hand. She took my hand and instead of trying to lift herself up she pulled me down. I ended up chest to chest, face to face with her, she stared up at my face with a smirk on her lips.

"Kiss me to commemorate the start of our girlfriend/boyfriend and girlfriend relationship." She said in a low tone.

I lowered my face staring at her lips, once our lips finally touched I felt those butterflies. I also felt the hatred I felt for my family because they arranged a marriage with a man and they knew I was a raging homosexual but it subsided when I remembered her confession. I'm a girl.. rang though my ears as I deepened the kiss. My hands were on either sides of her head and I felt when her hand snaked around my waist trying to pull me closer. Her mouth was warm and inviting as she parted her lips and allowed me to stick my tongue into her mouth dominating the kiss. I finally pulled away from her to catch my breath.

"I think I'm drunk," she said and I laughed.

"You think bud?" I said leaning back onto my knees and trying to help her to sit up.

"Did you feel like vomiting?" I asked her.

"I'm not that drunk," she laughed out.

"Then you can drive home?"

"5 miles per hour and I might fall asleep behind the steering wheel." She was laughing hysterically.

"Do you want to come home with me?" I asked her.

"I would never say no to sleeping beside you, my love. I've dreamt of it every moon since I found out that I was getting married at the age of 18 and when I saw you in your suit at the dinner I dreamt of you every moon since," her words came out seductively.

I got up with a blush and started to pack everything up. I took my stuff and also Kwashie's and loaded them into my Jeep. I went back to our spot and Kwashie was sprawled out making snow angles in the sand.. sand angels? I shook my head and walked over to her standing over her. I grabbed both hands and tried to drag her up.

"ANYAAAA SEBENYAA," Kwashie shouted out.

I couldn't laugh, not now. I had to get her into the Jeep but she's certainly not sitting on my seats with her sandy clothes so I needed to dust her off.

"Sing with me Zim," She said. I finally got her onto her feet and she was gripping my arms for dear life.

"ABALESAYBABAA," I sung out not knowing what the fuck I just said. Kwashie bust out laughing and started clutching onto her stomach.

"Fair enough," she said between gasps for breath.

I started dusting her off with my handkerchief and leading her to the Jeep. She was singing a song in her native tongue and I understood it, it was a sad song. I couldn't help but wonder why she chose that song right now. I finally got her into the passenger seat and buckled her in. Her car was parked in the same private lot as I was in so it would be safe overnight. I drove out and started the long journey home, I should've just went to Kwashie's house since her place was closer but I needed to clear my mind so I appreciated the long drive. I needed the soothing sound of the tires to help me process the information I got today. I started my 'sad beats' playlist and the first song that came on was Xxxtentacion Jocelyn Flores and I lowly sung along, I was leaning back in my seat with one hand on the staring wheel and my other was on the door handle holding up my head.

"You know," I heard Kwashie said from beside me, "they say when your hand is on your jaw your mind is lost in thought so I guess all I have to ask my love is, can I pay a penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm not really thinking of anything," I lied. My mind was running wild as a stampede of rhinos.

"Your eyebrows, they tell a different story." She said.

"I'm just thinking about Richard," I said.

"Why do you not call him dad?" She asked.

"He's my stepfather and I call him either." I told her.

"What about your mother?"

"She's mother," I shrugged my shoulders.

"You're so beautiful, I've been used to the melanin beauties back in Africa but you.. you're like coffee with hazelnut creamer." She said.

"Flattery doesn't charge these batteries," I said laughing.

"I'm not trying to flatter you, my love. I am being honest. My heart skipped beats and started playing the steel pans since I first laid eyes on you. I was so afraid that you'd be nothing like I expected but you surpassed everything that I could've ever imagined." She said.

Her speech was slurred and she slumped into the seat.

"Thank you. If it's worth anything even though I am gay I thought you were quite handsome and I started questioning myself for a minute." I chuckled.

"Don't you ever do that again. I understand why, my charms are irresistible but don't you dare change who you are on the inside to please anyone." She said firmly.

"How do you feel about your transition?" I asked.

"I've come to terms with it," She said softly.

We were quiet for the rest of the journey. We pulled into my driveway and parked in the garage. I decided that I'd send Sharon to empty the things for me. I helped Kwashie out of the Jeep and into the house, I spotted Sharon and asked her for help removing the picnic baskets. I took my time helping Kwashie up the steps and got to my room, I dropped her onto the loveseat I had in the corner and started stripping her of her clothes. I took off her loafers first then I removed her shorts, I unbuttoned her shirt and slid it off her. Throughout the whole process she was singing slow motion and trying to dance.

"Would you like to shower?" I asked her.

"I don't think I can bathe myself, I just want to lie down." She said.

I nodded and lifted her up moving to my bed. She was in a black binder and Hanes boxers, there was a bulge there and I felt my cheeks warm up.

"Do you always wear a strap?" I asked her.

"Nineteeeeyniine point niiine percent of the time." She smiled at me.

I got her onto the bed and under the duvet. I stripped down to my boxers and sports bra and looked over at her, her hands were in the air and her binder looked as if it was about to choke her to death. I ran over to her and helped her out of it with a laugh, she held onto her chest trying to cover her breasts.

"Would you like a tank top?" I asked her walking over to my walk in closet to get a top for her.

I got it and walked over to her helping her into it.

"C'mere my little baby," I said.

She pouted her lips and lifted her arms so that I could help her into the shirt. I was laughing because she was cute. I turned the lights off and switched the tv on seeing that Steven Universe is on I hurriedly ran to lie down beside Kwashie so that I could watch it.

"I've always wanted to grow my hair out," Kwashie said from beside me.

"Why haven't you?" I asked.

"My dad says that it was masculine," she said.

"Nonsense, I think another hairstyle would also suit you." I said. She crawled over to me and cuddled up into my side.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. I kissed her forehead and I knew a smile formed on her lips. We were watching tv a short while before I heard her mumble something.

"Maadwo," She said in her native tongue.

"Da yie," I responded.

**

Maadwo- goodnight

Da yie- sleep well

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