《But Too Well》XXXVII : After
Advertisement
news they have a different story.
First it was a suspected terrorist attack, but that idea didn't last for very long.
Then they said that it was some kind of conspiracy, which I suppose is closer to the truth.
Now at least it seems they've figured out what really happened, and it is all that plays across the TV screen, the only conversation on the radio, the only words printed in the newspaper.
No one knows how they could have got the gun in.
Apparently, Caleb went to the police the day before the trial and told them about the threats against him, against all of us.
He managed to get an extra couple guards outside the courtroom, officers stationed at his house, people watching.
People watching because at the trial he was going to tell the truth, and he did, and then they shot him.
Stupid.
•§•
in that stages of grief crap until I had to go through it myself.
•§•
No no no.
He's not. He didn't.
Let me see him.
There is no way he's gone.
•§•
No no no.
Shit, Caleb...
Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk? Why did you have to be the good guy because I've been hiding the truth for almost a year and it's been killing me, except now it's you who's dead.
Red, red red red red. Like blood, but so much darker. It burns, and the only thing I can see through the tears is fire.
It should be me, not you.
•§•
Take me instead of him.
Bring him back and I promise I will be a perfect human being.
What if I had told? It would be me, not him.
I should have said something.
I should have been better.
I should have known.
If I had been there with him at court, maybe he wouldn't have done it.
It's because you're a liar and a cheater and a slut and you never deserved him and now he's gone just look what you've done you piece of shit
Advertisement
Why did I have to be so selfish?
Why him?
•§•
I spend a week after the funeral in my bed. The only colour that exists in the world is grey.
I don't shower, I barely eat, I deserve no better.
It is all my fault.
It is also Caleb, and Nero, and...
Fuck. Everything hurts.
My kitchen is full of flowers, but I let them all wilt.
Dishes of casserole cram my fridge, but I don't bother opening it.
I take a leave of absence from work.
Inconsolable.
It plays around and around and around in my head, but it's always the same.
Then there's his smile, his laugh, haunting my every waking moment, filling my dreams. I can actually feel the loss within me, like a hole, and there is nothing capable of filling it, there is no cure.
My phone dies from all the missed calls and hundreds and hundreds of messages, the notifications. I don't plug it in. I will lay here crying alone in this bed.
The universe has spoken; I deserve no love, no justice, no peace.
I deserve to rot here, between the sheets that still smelled like him when I got back home from the hospital after days of waiting, but of course the scent is now gone, like him, and it is never coming back.
That is not acceptance. I am not there yet.
I will never be.
•§•
only an entire month after his death when I manage to pull myself together and take a real shower, eat a full meal, walk out into the light of day.
But even then, I'm no better than I was the seconds after I found out, it's no easier.
It's a good thing I don't drink, I wouldn't even know how, because I would have drowned myself in alcohol, would probably be dead from it.
A part of me is dead, but only the important one.
I won't go through all the mess of it with you, the kind of white roses they had at the service or the sight of his pale corpse, open casket, or the way I haven't spoken to my parents since. Or Shauna, or Natalia. Daniel.
Advertisement
But on the 20th of April (nine days ago was the 10 month anniversary of when we had each other that first time, that Sunday night, and everything since only happened after that) I pull myself together and I go to work and I put a smile on my face and try to pretend that I'm not that girl with the dead boyfriend.
I hear them all whispering, but I'm past caring.
Tell me when I'm supposed to stop feeling like this.
One month?
Two?
Because it's only three months after the funeral that I find it in myself to go with my family (who I don't deserve because they pretend I didn't leave them to grieve alone) to visit Caleb's parents.
There are more tears.
Not over it.
But Mrs Dorn, — call me Laura she used to keep telling me — Laura, holds me in her arms and we dampen each other's shoulders, and it is only after she pours us all coffee that she looks at me, straight, with her glassy eyes, a sad smile.
His younger sister, Molly, is there too.
How have you been?
I smile back. A watery grimace.
She doesn't need me to explain, so I don't.
I can see she's working up to something, she and her husband are shifting in their seats and then another tear rolls down her face and my God they do not deserve to have lost a child.
She sniffles. "We were going through..." A croak, a tissue to the nose, because like me she can't say his name without an inconceivable amount of pain. "Caleb's things, after."
It takes a long, long time.
The one thing I can be is patient.
And as soon as she reaches into her sweater and pulls her hand out, I see it and it makes me choke, and the tears don't stop and it is not okay no no no.
My mom holds me and I let her.
Daniel grips my hand and even he has tears in his eyes and it is not fair because these people in this room all loved him but I'm the only one who never, ever deserved him.
And he never knew.
"He... he just loved you so much, Rosalyn," she sobs, gently.
I try not to sound so disgusting in my grief, my tears, but I am not only crying because I miss him, I'm crying because I am a no good piece of garbage liar liar liar and I. Do. Not. Deserve. This. Them. Him.
And I will never, ever be able to tell him that. The guilt is what is eating me alive.
It's Dad who speaks next, and his voice is just as raw. "I didn't know how to tell you, after, Rosalyn. He came to me a couple days before to ask me if I was okay with it, and of course I said yes. I never knew..."
She slides the little black velvet box across the table and I can't look at it, I just cannot.
Molly smiles at me, so genuinely, and my silent string of tears doesn't stop. "He told us he was planning to propose. We were so happy for him." Her lips quiver. She fights against it, closes her eyes, purses her mouth but she loses, crying just like the rest of us. She's only 19. "I told him how I always wanted a sister except now..."
I just want my brother back.
There are no words to explain the kind of hurt and pain and grief that existed in that room. It is indescribable.
Unless you've experienced it, you could never understand.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That's a lie. The man who should be in prison, the one who shot the gun — I am a terrible human being, we know this, and I wish him dead.
Advertisement
- In Serial111 Chapters
Favored By The Villain
Levisia, the 15th daughter of Kraiden, saw memories of her previous life for the two weeks she was unconscious.
8 1345 - In Serial87 Chapters
Reincarnated Renegade
The son of a Duke woke up with amnesia. It's the truth. Was it the whole truth? Not necessarily. The whole truth was that the Duke's son's memories were replaced. By Bellavarn. Bellavarn didn't think he deserved a second life if that was what this was. He died young, sure. But he was the one who ended it in the first place. Did he want this life? It wasn't his, wasn't deserved, and unasked for. Take one of the thousands who beg uncaring gods instead, not him. He wanted oblivion. Examining his new surroundings, the plush pillows, expensive draperies, and the nervous maid, he assumed the worst. Who was he in this world? Time to find out. So... "Close the doors." "Lord?" "Do it." *This Novel contains dark themes not suitable for all readers. This is an original novel. Any similarities to existing characters, locations, or otherwise is purely coincidental. (Cover art is my original drawing.)
8 79 - In Serial88 Chapters
Sold to him (The Mafia- El Ricci # 1)
"WAIT!? YOU SOLD ME?"-"You are mine, Emily... You belong to me" he whispers in my ear and then kisses me. I feel electricity through my whole body. His hand goes from my hips to my ass and he squeezes so hard that I can't help the whimper that escapes me."And this..." kiss! "...my future wife..." Smack! Right on my ass. "...Is only the beginning"*Mateo El RicciIntense, Perceptive, MysteriousThe most feared man in New YorkAnd my husband...My uncle sold me to their family and now I'm an wife to Mateo, the first guy who made me feels things deep inside.He hates me, it's clear. The way he looks at me with disgust makes me want to die, to run but I have nowhere to go.Until finally he lets me see the real darkness in his heart and claiming there is no place for me but he messed with the wrong woman.I love a challenge and I'm not planning to lose.The way in his heart is difficult, especially when the truth comes to light but you know what?Nothing is going to stop me from trying.Because he's worth the pain, lies and broken promises...Find out!(+18 scenes)Will edit soon when I have the time!
8 533 - In Serial27 Chapters
Sex On The Beach [completed]
A girl name Latina met this guy name Tony would they fall in love read and find out bitches...
8 239 - In Serial65 Chapters
Deception (Book #1) ✅
Evelyn Greene, a human. She is a studious college student who never would have imagined that her sense of reality would be altered forever, but that is just what happens. When her stalker ex-boyfriend shows up at her new apartment and demands to have her back, she makes a break for it. Fearing for her life she stumbles into the only place open that late at night... a strip club. Little does she knew that this is where her life changes forever. She locks eyes onto the most sapphire blue eyes that she had ever seen. But it wasn't the eye color that caught her attention, it was the alluring way he was staring back at her. For her, she thought he was just another pervy man with a chiseled face, but for him, he was staring at the most mesmerizing woman ever, and she didn't even know it. But can he protect her from a traitor in his own pack that's vowed to try and ruin him. Now they have the perfect leverage to break him and it all points to Evelyn. ~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•Excerpt:"I told you I'd kill you." I could barely understand what he said because it was mixed with endless growls, but it was clear he was beyond furious. The vampire hissed, still tugging at Caleb's unbreakable hold on his throat. He was panicking knowing what was to come, yet I wasn't ready for it. Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. The vampire's wide and vibrant violet eyes glowed with dread, he was no more ready than I was for what was about to unfold. In one swift motion Caleb plunged his fist into the vampire's chest making him release a grumble of noises. My breath caught in my throat and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. It all felt surreal. Just as quick as he punctured his chest he had pulled his hand out. What he held in his palm was what made me finally hurl my birthday cake. It was a bloody beating heart.~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~Highest Rankings: #2 in Paranormal; #1 ParanormalRomance⚠️Mature content⚠️
8 104 - In Serial21 Chapters
World of Color | Skephalo
Zak has always wondered about when he would be able to see the color of the sky, or the grass or even his mother's eyes. All his life, he's lived surrounded by shades of white, black and grey. He longed to see what the world around him truly looked like, and when that day would come.Darryl has become used to the bland world he lived in, no longer imagining what his hair color was, or the color of his dog's fur. Any mention of color in conversation made him completely close off and turn into an emotionless being. That is, until he saw the light blue sweatshirt in front of him.*Complete as of October 25, 2019*
8 395