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***

How do you tell the most perfect guy in the world that you've officially cheated on him?

And what the hell do you tell him if he asks you why?

Because, the truth is, I have no idea why.

Caleb is, well, perfect. He's sweet, kind, smart, funny. He's definitely handsome, definitely attractive and? The sex is pretty amazing.

So why the hell would I ever, ever need anything more?

Oh, and he cares about me. He looks at me like he's the lucky one, like it's him that doesn't deserve me. My god. I'm officially a horrible, horrible person.

But, do I tell him?

No. No I do not.

You know whatever happens

today it's not your fault.

You're still amazing. Good luck.

Thanks babe. Means a lot. :)

I'll text you later. If things go

bad I will get drunk with your

brother after. Warning you now.

Thanks for the heads up. 😋

You'll be fine. It'll be fine.

Oh yeah, Ros? Will it?

Just shut up, okay?

I already have a massive headache. I don't need to feel you judging me, too.

Shit shit shit. I have made such a huge, colossal mess. And I have no clue what to do.

•§•

the same kind of thing, and he's sweet. And tired. And it makes me feel so bad, because isn't this all my fault?

No matter what Natalia tries to tell me, I don't think I'll ever really stop blaming myself. Because, as you already know, I suck.

And when I reach into my purse at work for an Advil, there is this annoying tug in my chest, because these pills are courtesy of a certain someone. Someone who I've mostly tried not to think about this morning.

Because, let's face it. Once I think of him, I think of his hands, his mouth. His dark, sinful eyes and that perfect jawline, the way he pressed me desperately against my door and whispered my name against my lips. The way I clutched his hard shoulders and the soft material of his shirt, the way that every inch of us touched and yet it wasn't nearly enough.

Mm. Hell. Oh, and his breath against my skin, and feeling him, wanting me, through the fabric of his jeans.

The way he looked at me, like I had taken something from him, but he didn't actually want it back. Just... shocked, that I managed to pry it away in the first place.

Yeah, so, that's why I can't think about him. Because, yes, I feel so damn guilty. But I also feel dazed, tingly. Because last night was the hottest, wrongest moment of my life, and I don't hate him for it, like I should. I just ache.

At lunch, I steel myself for disappointment. Plugging into the live broadcast, I watch. I see the three of them, sitting at the table, shoulders slouched tiredly. I listen, ashamed beyond belief, as the news anchors comment on how the evidence was shaky, how the defense could have done a better job. That people think he'll be convicted, guilty.

And then, when the moment comes, and a whole courtroom, dozens of people, hold their breaths, the impossible happens.

"Not guilty."

It rings in my ears, makes me shake. Makes relief flood through my spent body, through my veins. I let out a strangled laugh, my phone falling onto the desk, snapping my earbuds away with it. Christ.

I take a moment to lean back, look up at the ceiling. Closing my eyes, I send a thank-you to whatever, whoever might be listening. Maybe I don't deserve this kind of reprieve, but others sure as hell do.

And just because I kissed him, it doesn't mean Nero should win. He shouldn't, he didn't.

Caleb did, and maybe the universe is telling me, choosing for me. But there wasn't really a choice to begin with, was there? Just a bad decision, some kind of inescapable hole that I fell into.

Omg congrats Caleb.

You guys are amazing xoxo ☺️

Thanks Ros 😄 can't

actually believe it

Believe it. You did it.

I never doubted you

for a second... 😌

Right. 😐😉 Listen,

we're celebrating tonight

at the office you should come

You guys go ahead, celebrate

you worked so hard. I dont

wanna ruin the moment

you guys should enjoy it

😑 Dont be stupid I'd

love to have you there

stop it I know about those

office parties ;) been to one

before and I'm still recovering

Come over some time though

I need to congratulate you in person

😏 are you still off limits?

Tomorrow night?... nope.

All yours.

There I go again. All yours. I swear, though. Parts of me, honest ones, really mean it. It's not my fault that there's a stupid, idiotic battle within myself, one that I never wanted to wage in the first place.

Totally gonna hold you to that.

I'm suffering withdrawal.

I'm sure. 😋

And then, his caller ID pops up on my screen, cutting off our messages. I answer, curious, and it only takes me a second for me to realize.

Hearing Daniel's voice, I roll my eyes. "My God, Ros. Do the two of you ever leave each other alone?"

In the background, I hear Caleb trying to wrestle his phone from my brother, and it makes me laugh for the first time today.

"Come on, Daniel," he coaxes, unsuccessful.

"Just wait dude. You talk to her more than I do."

I can feel the smile surrounding my words. "Oh, Daniel. Someone's jealous. I was going to text you next, you know."

He scoffs. "Oh please. You two are starting to make me sick."

Stifling a laugh, I infuse my voice with as much flutter as I can. "But Daniel, he's just sooo dreamy..."

My brother pretends to gag, and I can imagine him shoving the phone back into Caleb's hands, disgusted. "She's all yours, man." His voice is muffled and I can't contain the giggle that escapes me.

"Sorry," Caleb breathes into the phone, and it's easy to picture the redness that stains his cheeks.

I chuckle, and he laughs too. Despite the knots in my stomach, hearing him is comforting, and for a second I can forget that I've become a duplicitous bitch. "Tell him the next time he steals your phone I'm sending you naked pictures."

"Heard that!" Daniel's voice mixes with Caleb's embarrassed laughter, and when Caleb speaks I know that he's blushing. It sends all kinds of painful guilt through my system, but I can't help smiling. He makes me smile.

"I am so dead, babe. Thanks."

"Anytime. I'm always here to embarrass you, whenever you need it."

"Good to know."

Because, cheating on you is just humiliating. Damn it, he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve me, and I sure as hell don't deserve him. If only he knew that he can do so, so much better.

Okay. Now, I have to make it up to him.

Maybe, just maybe, I can make sure he never knows. It'll be my secret, my heavy, crushing guilt. I can't let myself hurt him, I know that.

But haven't I already?

No. I have done so, so much worse.

•§•

Nero and his band of criminals aren't exactly thrilled about the final verdict. In fact, I've heard that the police are already looking for new suspects.

Is there a way to somehow give them an anonymous tip, without anyone knowing it came from me?

Are you going to slit my throat now?

His sparkling grin, sending heat right between my thighs. There are many things I want to do to you, dolcezza, but that isn't one of them.

And if I turn on you, how about then? Something tells me that his anger, a force I haven't truly witnessed, would be livid, violent.

I close my eyes, resting my head back against my couch. He should have no place in my life. Except, thinking of him sends every part of me into overdrive, makes me want. For a second, I imagine what it would be like, to have him on top of me, inside of me. I groan, warmth rushing to my face. Stop it, Ros. I think we're a little past the warnings though, don't you?

And so, for just the briefest of moments, I let myself fantasize.

I picture his hands on me, his mouth. I imagine him peeling away all of my clothes, my fingers tangling themselves in his thick dark hair. And then, both of us, bare and needy. Him poised above me, the tip of him just brushing me right there. It gets me hot, flustered, just thinking about it. And then, oh. If he pushed, holding my hips, and my legs would wrap around him, pressing us together so, so completely. Damn it.

Okay. So. These thoughts? The closest to sex with Nero I am ever going to let happen.

Hold me to it, okay?

Everything next door is quiet, silent. I don't know if he's there. I don't want to know.

Yes you do. No. Shut up.

I can't do this to Caleb. I can't.

But, how could I leave him? How could I, knowing how he feels about me, seeing the way he looks at me?

I don't know what to do. I just don't.

Restless and bothered, my fingers float over the screen of my phone. Hm.

Safari.

Google.

What to do if I cheated

'So, you cheated. Now what?'

Cosmo is the first link, giving me all sorts of advice. Except, it doesn't really cover what will happen if I keep it from him.

Or if I still think about him, about the man I've cheated with.

Except, it wasn't actually cheating, was it? We didn't even take our clothes off.

Yeah. Okay. Still cheating.

I groan, burying my face against a cushion. I am so screwed, no matter what happens. I guess I have to decide, right?

But, I have. Nero and I are never going to happen. I can't let it.

Last night was a mistake. I can't hurt Caleb, I can't keep being this terrible person.

The next time I think about Nero, I'll force myself to stop. And the next time, and the next time, until, one day, his face will no longer haunt my thoughts. His dark, looming presence will no longer fill my dreams.

Yeah. Let's try that.

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