I said it. Yeah I said it.

I said that I love Xandra, who is a girl! In a...

Ok stop I don't need to replay this kind of conversation in my mind again. I love a girl, so what? It's already in the middle of 2016 for Christ sake!

Ohhh well I know I had a different opinion about this before, but that's because I have a very conservative grandma. By very conservative I mean very very old fashioned way of style. And I used to witness a certain situation that tainted my mind and opinion about this kind of love.

Although now I admit with every fibers in my heart, that

...

................................

(Flashback nearly 10 years ago)

"I'm sorry Ma. It was never in my intention to embarrassed you. But I love him. I.."

"No! You don't have any say in this sin! I can't believe this! I didn't raise you to be a... to be a.."

"A what Ma? Gay? You can't even say it out loud now? I'm sorry that I was born this way Ma! Yes, you didn't raise me to be like this, I just can't help who I am falling in love with. Please just accept me for who I am. I'm gay and I'm not sorry about this."

"Shut up! You shut your mouth and get out from my house. I don't have a son like you! From now on, I just have a daughter and my son is dead for all I care!"

"I'm sorry to be the cause of your embarrassment, but I really can't help it. And I'm sure, if daddy is still here, he'll still love me for who I am. Take care mama, I love you.

................................

That was the conversations that I witnessed when I was 7. I still remember that I have an uncle, a loving one for that matter.

Uncle Matthew, he'll be the one who take care of me when mom and dad were away for their business. Well, him and my grandma, but Uncle Matthew always pretend to sneak me out from grandma house so that we can have a cold night ice cream date.

I still remember his face was all smile and giddy when I saw him talk to this good looking man one day when he brought me out for toys shopping. I even asked him about that man, and he simply said that "He's a special friend of mine." and asked me to never tell anyone especially abuela.

I was still a kid, of course I forgot everything when he bought me the new Barbie together with the Barbie's house. But then when the same giddy feelings occurred inside of me whenever I'm with Alexandra, I'll instantly remember that fateful night.

When mom and dad came back from their business trip, they saw how abuela was such in a messy state. My mom was rushing to hug abuela and the last thing I heard before my dad sent me to bed was how my abuela said something like "He said he loves me but he still commit the sin." and something more like "Matthew is just like his father.", while sobbing uncontrollably.

................................

"Hey mom. You don't work today?", I asked mom when I saw her watching TV in the living room.

Great I might can just ask her about something.

"Ohh hey sweetie. Nuhhh, I think I wanna just resting at home today. Will my beautiful daughter accompany me humm?", my mom replied while softly smiling at me.

"Well of course it will be my pleasure, mother dearest.", I responded back equally playful.

So I take a seat next to my mom and quickly snuggling into her side. I miss this kind of quality time with my mom as I seldom have one. But I understand every of her reasons so I never question anything.

After some comfortable silence while watching whatever on the channel,

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Sure honey. What is it?"

"What happened to Uncle Matthew?"

I surely felt my mom tensed a bit before slowly released a breath.

"You still remember him huh?", my mom asked.

"Well yeah of course. I just didn't understand back then why he just disappeared like that, I thought he was just away for work or something so I never ask."

"Actually he is fine and happily married."

My mom's answer kinda shocked me. "So you have been contacting him all this while? And do you know his wife?"

I heard she chuckled a bit before turning her whole body facing me, giving me all of her attention.

"Yeahhh sweetie, I never stopped talking to him, and I never told you because I thought you already forgot about Uncle Matthew when you stop asking about him. He's still my little brother ya know.", then my mom stop and sighing a bit.

"Matthew is a really good guy, and I know he's so good at taking care of you. But then when he's being kicked out by our mama, your abuela, for just being who he is, and because he fall in love with a guy, I was kinda stuck with who I should stick with..."

"... you know, he's my brother and she is my mama. But I know he is a tough guy and he's happy now so I don't really need to complain about anything right? I just hope your abuela will accept him sooner for who he is because I know both of them really miss each other. Just sometimes older people have a higher pride.", my mom finally ended her answer with a sad smile dangling on her face.

"Did you go to his wedding? Why was I not invited?", I pretended to feel offended and started to jut out my bottom lip."

"Awwwh baby you know he really miss his only niece as well. We can meet him later if you want. And yes I was there to witness his beautiful wedding which was 2 years ago. He's the same guy who stole your uncle's heart from the beginning, he's such a softie right your uncle?"

We laughed quite loudly because we know how much of a softie and polite Uncle Matthew is. That's why it was quite shocking when he stood up for himself in front of abuela few years back.

But then after awhile, there's still something bothering my mind.

"Hmmm mom? What did abuela mean when she said that Uncle Matthew is just like his father? What happened to abuelo? I thought he's already passed away?"

This time my mom really go silence for quite some times. I know she just needed times before explaining one of the family secret to me. Wowww I made it sounds so mystery..

"Your abuelo was not dead yet when he left your abuela, he left her because he can't pretend to be who he is not anymore."

"Huhhh? That's quite a sentence there mom.", yeahh I am really confused now.

"Uhhhh... Your grandparents married because of their family, I mean you know that kind of arranged marriage?"

When she saw me nodding, she continued,

"It's common apparently in your abuelo's side because he has Spanish blood and a latino, but your abuela is not, she's white. Anyway it was not really a tradition thing, they get married because of their family business relationship something that I don't really understand as well. "

I still try to catch up with everything my mom said.

"And long short story, my papa is never in love with my mama, but he still do love her, just not in that way. But mama is already head over heels in love with him, and no one can blame her as papa is really a very kind and responsible guy. Something that Matthew inherited from.."

"... and when she said how Matthew is really just like his father was because papa left her because he was in love with another guy."

My eyes widened instantly with that new info. Never in a million years will I guess my family history is that... 'interesting'.

"I used to hate him for awhile, because he left us for someone else, which I thought he didn't love us anymore. But your abuelo came to find me and Matthew few weeks later and explained everything and he promised that he will always love us and that he will always have time for his kids..."

"... we always sneak out just to meet him because my mama warned him to never show his face ever again and he respected her decision so much that he was willingly to meet his precious children secretly."

"I understand that mama felt so heartbroken but no one can blame anyone in this situation. Your abuelo passed away 4 years later."

"Ohhh... That is quite a story mom. I'm so glad that I have such an understanding and loving family.", I said with a contented sigh.

So maybe, just maybe, my mom will still accept and love me for who I am right? I mean, I don't know yet how to label myself. Am I a lesbian? Or Bisexual? I don't know.

All I know is I am such a queer.

HAAAA! There I admit to myself that I'm not that straight anymore...

"Umm mom?..."

Uh-oh! What did Kristen want to say to her mom after this??

Stay tuned ;)

And I am deeply sorry if I described anything wrong about those whole Spanish blood and latino things. Because ya know, I'm neither a latina nor white. :D