CHAPTER SONG - If It Weren't For You, Christopher

I turned to look at my dad, shifting a little so that Lina could see him too. The room felt like it stunk a little when I saw the tiredness in his pitch brown eyes, and the shadowiness that coated in uneasiness. I felt a little guilty for putting him in his situation, but manly I was happy to fucken have my dad around. Somehow, everything always felt possible, and less terrible when he was there. It's like I believed he can fix anything. Maybe I was still hanging onto little child dreams, but his never given a reason to not believe in him. And he walked toward me, holding two cups of whatever, before extending one too me. "What is it?" I asked but grabbed it anyways.

He sipped on his own drink, pulling a chair towards the bed. "I don't fucken know. I think it supposed to be orange juice, but I'm pretty sure it's..." he paused for a second, "...what's the juice Ash hates?" he looked up at me.

"SunnyD?"

He snapped his fingers. "That fucken shit. It's banned from our house, so I can't exactly remember if this is it or some other shit."

I raised the cup to my lips, taking a long sip and smiled into the cup. "Yep, that's it." I said, taking another gulp. Ash might hate it, but I love it. The sugar in it could give me cavities for days, and it would be worth every sweet second of it. And I haven't had this juice in so long, because like my dad mentioned, it's banned from our house. Orange juice in general is. Ash has some sort of hatred towards it, and an unproven idiotic theory that if you drink orange juice, you're a psychopath.

I pulled the cup down, shifting so that I could hand it to Lina, and she smiled at me. "Thanks."

My dad sat by the bed, watching us with a look that tipped between feeling nothing, and feeling everything. It's always been like that. Growing up he used to always say that it took him a long time to learn that he can feel emotions, and that it terrified him. His always been afraid to know what those emotions could do to him, or how much harm they could bring. It's why he thinks he shut them off for so long, and why he forced himself to be emotionless. He always says that its easily to fall back into those habit's when things get crazy. Now, Kirsan is going through the same exact thing.

Reaching forward, he leaned onto his knees. "How are you feeling, Lina?"

Lina tensed beside me, and I ran my hand down her arm to comfort her. I know my dad made her a little skittish, and I wish she would understand that my dad would never hurt her because that would hurt me. And my dad has always been my rock, and protector. "I'm okay, sir."

"Okay?" he repeated, "I was shot a few months back, and I remember saying I'm okay, but I was lying. So, Lina, let me ask again, how are you?"

I knew he was fucken lying. But I lost that thought before I could dwell on it because Lina shifted side me, subsiding a wince. "I'm in pain, lots of it." she whispered, as if she wasn't sure of that. As if her answer could on some level be wrong, or she wasn't sure if she was giving the correct answer. I wish she knew that what she felt was valid in all aspect, and she had the right to every emotion she felt.

My dad nodded. "That's normal with a bullet wound. And now you have scars to prove you belong to our family."

I tensed, and Lina's wyes widened in shock. "What?"

My dad smiled, but it was anything but soft. It sharpened his cheeks and froze over the rims of his eyes. And yet, somehow the normality of that look calmed a storm brewing in me. "Do you love my son?"

Lina nodded. "Very much, sir."

"Enough to take a bullet for him." he stated, "And that kind of love is rare, because it's not plain love. It's not the bullshit you see every day in the world. It's the kind that saves. It's the kind that creates paths through darkness that seem to never end, and that kind of love is the one I always wanted for my son."

I felt my shoulder fall, and my body collapse as I stared at the man who's given me more of himself then he even had to offer. His the same man who's shown me how to conquer all, and built me into who I am. A man, who despite all his flaws, and own demons managed to raise and love me uncontrollably. And I couldn't even believe that there was anything in me to love him more with, but in the way he looked at Lina, with such parental love, I found more love to give him. And I found more respect, and adoration for the man who fought his whole life for me. "Dad." I said, the word getting stuck in my throat, and he looked at me. There was no way to put his love into words, but I could see it in the blood torn look he gave me. The kind that said he would go to length's that are impossible for me, or him and yet he would do it for this family.

He looked back toward Lina. "As you know, I am not Mateo's father, not biologically. But it doesn't change that Mateo is my son, blood or no blood, his mine. Even if his father was alive, that kid would still be mine. But I knew his father, and I loved him. Maybe at that time I didn't know how to love, but after he passed, I learned fiercely. I learned it thought my wife, and the son he left me to raise. I swore that I would be better for him." he paused, looking at me with his hazelnut eyes that pulsed with raw painful love, "And I don't know if I have accomplished that, but I'm trying every day. And I never thought about who my son would end up with, but I'm glad it's someone like you. I'm glad that you, Lina, can love so easily, and I ask you never change that because my son need's more love then hate in his life. We all do."

Lina held onto my arm, little hands squeezing around my bicep. And I could hear her breathing speeding up, and on the verge of starting to shift into her crying. So, I wrapped my arm around her and tugged her into my chest. She exhaled, relaxing in my arms but the emotions were overwhelming her by the second. "Sir, you're offering me too much. Actually, I don't know what you're offering me." she replied, her words fading out thought shaky breaths.

My dad sighed, setting the cup on the ground. "Don't cry, fuck don't do that. I swore to my whole family that you wouldn't, and I rather no be bitched at for it. It's the only way they allowed me in here."

I chuckled, and Lina managed a small smile. "I won't, sir. Or I'll try not to, I'm a little overwhelmed." she said, and I was proud of her for sharing her feelings, for not putting them aside.

"I understand that." my dad nodded, "But what I'm offering you is my family. I know that we don't have the cleanest name, or even the calmest methods of living but we would accept you. But from what I have heard, my children already have had you under protection for a while and I'm late to the fucken party."

I smiled, looking down at Lina who looked at my dad like she couldn't believe that what his offering her was real. But it was. She protected me, she was willing to trade her life for mine, and that's something most wouldn't do. And to have Lina, the girl who was afraid to protect herself, protect me? That was fucken powerful, and she just had no clue. She's slowly been saving us one by one, and maybe it's not in any tradition way but we all have come to love her. Me most, but my brothers, and Maddox have started to look at her like family. In such a short time, and she managed to wrap us all.

She shifted beside me, and I helped her sit up to where she wanted too. I could tell she was still in a lot of pain, even with the medication. "I appreciate that, sir. It's generous, and a lot." she answered with a big breath and leaned on my shoulder.

My dad watched us for a second, before sighing. "Fuck, I have more, and I don't know if I should add that, or you might cry, and I'll get my ass chewed out.

Lina smiled softly. "Go ahead, I promise to not cry. And if I do cry, I'll take the credit, so you don't get in trouble."

My dad smiled, chuckling a little. "Trouble, Lina, is what my family thrives on, and I promise if you become apart of it, you'll see that we wrote the meaning on it."

I eased into the bed, feeling a calm spread through my head, liquifying all the previews worries. This, them, sitting here and talking so easily felt fucken good. I was so fucken terrified when she was dying in my arms, and I felt my heart shattering in half but now that I'm sitting here between them, I want to thank the fucken starts, or universe or whoever protected us in that moment. Because this moment here is fucken euphoric. And I don't know if it's the drug wearing off, or the fucken high of Lina alive in my arms and smiling but I felt my chest release a heavy weight.

"Sir, I kind of already learned that."

My dad picked up the drinking, finishing it off. "Quit calling me sir, it makes me feel like some professor, or shit and the last time I checked I'm still not allowed on a college campus."

Lina perked up with curiosity. "Why not?"

"It's been over nineteen years; you would think they would get over it. But no. There is a photo of me on the wall, and a big sign that says I'm not allowed in. All because I didn't appreciate the way the professor talked to my wife."

I rolled my eyes at him. "There's more to that story. Don't make yourself sound like the victim."

My dad laughed. "Of course not. I made sure he was the victim." Lina cringed beside me, and I gave my dad a look that send to move on. She didn't need to hear the details of how he set the professors office on fire, or carved Shakespeare quotes into the doors all because the professor was mean to my mom. Honestly, his a legend for it.

Thankfully, my dad understood the look and moved forward. "Anyways. The news is that we are moving to New York. We already bought out an apartment building and it's five blocks from our new office, and a twenty-minute driver from your university." he set the cup down again, kicking his leg up ono his knee. "From what Kirsan told me, you have a room available in that university through your scholarship. But I rather you be closer to my son. If you chose to have your own apartment or stay with Mateo that's between you but the offer stands."

Lina gaped at my dad. "You're offering me an apartment? Just like that?"

He raised a brow and his expression filled with confusion. "Would you rather a house? I can look into that option but it's New York, and a house would be further out from your university." he replied, and I know his not kidding. I know that he would actually go to the length.

Lina shook his head viciously. "No, no. I just... No. Thank you, an apartment is fine. It more then fine. That's really generous of you. Like way more then even I thought, and that's just a lot. I need time to think about it. I'm not even sure what your son wants. His being really quite right now. I'm not sure if he wants to even live with me." she babbled, and I swear my heart beat wilder in my chest. I can't believe that for the rest of my life, I get to listen to her ramble.

But the reason I wasn't responding was because this was news to me too. I knew they were working out the details for New York, and because they were being annoying persistent on me resting, I am sort of out of the loop. But it looks like everything was working itself out. And I do rather have Lina with me. I think we all rather have her closer, because we aren't all that great with space, and distance. It's why we are all up in each other's business, and together all the time. When you grow up replying on only the person around you, you tend to keep them close. To close sometimes.

And because I'm selfish, and have abandonment, and attachment issues according to Kirsan, I rather have Lina close. In my bed close, and in my arms, and at my dinner table. I want a full life with her, and ever second that she's willing to give me. To know she's safe, and happy with me would be fucken euphoric, and I needed that peace of mind. I needed her with me, because alone, I'm not sure I'll be able to make it and I need to. I need to push forward because to many people are replying on me, and I'm replying on her.

I looked down to her, and she was already looking up at me with big patted brown eyes that set my blood boiling. I'll never get over it, the way she looks at me like I'm the whole universe to her. "Amor, what do you want?"

"Me?" she asked, "This is a lot, so much, Mateo. And I don't even know what you want. Bunnies, we haven't even graduated and I'm lying in a hospital bed. But I know what I wanted. I'm a hundred percent sure, but I need your input because this is so much information to process and I'm still a little hazy from the medication. I'm still not quite sure if I'm dreaming, or if this is real."

I smiled, loving her rambling. I could listen to her talk for years and never get enough. "I want you with me every step of the way, holding my hand. Because like I said love, with you I'm more, and without, I can't see the light."

She regarded me, love pouring over her eyes and watering them. "Are you sure? Because like I know we have barely been dating, and –"

I cut her off for the first time. "It's enough time for me to know you're the end of the darkness for me."

SOMETIME LATER

Sometime later, after my dad left and we talked through everything, we decide that we indeed wanted to live together. And I swear the decision lifted something off my chest I didn't know was there. It made the world a little less dull, and a little more colorful. Even the grin on my face, I swear just couldn't fall off. "I love when you smile like that." she said, wrapped in my arms and looking up at me.

"You're the cause for it."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Your just being nice."

"Nice?" I said, twisted my expression, "Is that a word I'm supposed to know? Because it's foreign to me."

She laughed, nuzzling her face into my chest and getting more comfortable. "Your nice, you're really nice, you just don't want people to know."

Maybe she's right. I haven't ever been described as nice, so I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Maybe that's something I could learn to get used to, or maybe not. I'm still trying to figure out what the future holds for me. Of course, I have a career that I have been hell bend on achieving in, and because of that I spend hours, days even going over all the information and learning all of our new clients. I knew this information backwards, and inside out now, but I knew there was more that I needed to learn. More to understand, and a whole new side of business I'll have to figure out how to run. And it's fine, I was fucken going to get it. But being nice, that's the first time I'm thinking of it. I could be nice, right?

"Tell me what it's like to be nice." I joked, undecided if I like the word in my mouth. But before Lina could answer, we both looked to where the door opened, and Maddox poked his head in. "Hey sweetheart, someone is here to see you. Are you up for that or do you want me to kick them out of the hospital?"

Lina shifted, setting up with a wince and I helped her. Slight cursing whoever was behind that door, because I rather she stayed comfortable and unmoving. So, yeah, maybe I can't be nice. "Who is it?" she asked.

Behind the door, someone answered, "We are her parents, you can't kick us out."

Maddox turned around, holding the door in his grip so that they couldn't come through. "Oh lady, you have no idea what I can and cannot do. If I want too, I could put you on a spaceship and send you to Mars, or Jupiter, the choices are endless. So don't underestimate me, or I might just do it. As for your daughter, if she chooses not to see you that's up to her, and you will leave."

I chuckled, feeling a little fuzzy in the head. I swear, the lightness in Maddox voice sounded almost like the old Maddox, the one before all this mess. "Madds." Lina called, "It's okay, lets them in."

Maddox turned around, regarding her for a moment. "Whatever." he muttered, strolling into the room and towards us. He could leave, but he wouldn't. His protectiveness is kicking in, and even though I got this, I knew he wasn't going anywhere. And with the history that Lina has with her parents, I understood his need to stay. I can't say I fully trust either of her parents. Her dad was gone to long, leaving her heartbroken. Her mom wasn't any better, and ignored her for too long, putting her needs in front of her Lina's. And her sister, all though might be the only one who cared about her, it was in a manner that still hurt Lina.

So no, I don't trust them.

I watched both of her parents come through the door, and Lina's sister followed them with a man hold her hand that I have never met. Her mom had tears in her eyes, and even though her dad was putting up a brave front, I could see right through his expression. Her sister shoved past her parents and rushed over to the bed as I stiffened and held Lina protectively. "God Lina, what the hell happened? How are you feeling? Are you still in major pain? Because I could go call the doctor. They didn't allow us back here until you were fully off the meds."

I steeled my expression to hide my laugher. They didn't let them back here because we instructed them not too. Lina deserved a moment to gather herself before everyone came in. And now, she seemed a little better as she sat up further. "I'm okay, Emma. Thank you so much for coming."

Her sister waved her off, shoving herself to the front of the bed and snapped her attention towards me. Like her sister, she had deep brown eyes that unlike Lina's were not soft, or full of compassion. "You, I heard of you. Your Mateo, that hockey player. Are you the reason she's in this bed?" she jabbed her finger into my shoulder, making Lina jerk forward in a wince. "Hey, don't touch him." she said, covering my shoulder with her hand.

I chuckled, taking her hand in mine and kissing it. "Don't hurt yourself for me, love, we got enough of that."

"She hurt you."

I smiled. "She barely touched me."

Lina regarded me, unconvinced before faced her sister again. "Don't touch him, please."

Her sister narrowed her eyes, but they were glossy, and full of emotion that looked like hurt, and worry. "I'll kill him if his the reason I almost lost my baby sister."

Maddox scoffed; palms pressed into the railing of the bed. "Kill him? Girl, do you even know how to do that?"

She eyed him, and I tired not to laugh. "Guns are easy, and accessible."

You know, I think I'm over the whole gun's pointed at me. Maybe that can be my new year's resolutions. No more guns pointed at me, or Lina. And from Lina's stiff position, I think she agreed with me. "Stop. No guns. No killing. And no talking about it all. Madds..." she turned to look at him, "Can you behave for once in your life."

He looked at her, snowflakes raining in amusement, and grinned. "For you, sweetheart. I'll even shut up."