CHAPTER SONG - All Time Low, Jon Bellion

It's been two week's sense we got the news that we are pulling out of this life. Two weeks of spiraling, and learning, and even mourning. Something I never thought I would do but turns out you can mourn for something you didn't want to be begin with. Maybe it's not the life I mourned but the years I spent thinking I wanted it. Years I could have put into creating something for myself that would inspire and drive me. And instead, I put myself into a box and shut my eyes to the outside world. I let myself live with a blackened heart, and let it rotten away further. If only I fucken opened my eyes and realized I didn't want this. If only. And there's a million possibilities to what could have been but didn't. All because I couldn't fucken see the truth. I didn't allow myself to believe in the truth.

Now, everything is changing in front of me. From my dad's business plans, to daily normal routines. I have been pouring over lectures, books, and business investment for the new world we are stepping into. And every time I look up, I find more information I missed. Like the fact that I'm actually really fucken good with business. Along with intimidation, torture, and horror, I actually like fucken business. Fucken hell, who knew my life would become so domestic, and yet I can't say I hate it.

Turns out, business is all about finding an advantage over others and using it for yourself. It's seeing ten steps ahead and knowing the outcome before every move you make. And my dad thought me that very fucken well. So maybe that's why it's so enjoyable to me because I get to use all my skills, and without having to wash my hands after every move.

It's been two weeks, and everyone has been trying to figure our new situation out. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it but there's one of us who isn't dealing at all. Actually, his been MIA for the better part of those two weeks. His been skipping class, skipping dinner, and even missing out of my bed. Something I didn't expect to miss, and yet...

So, without a fucken care in my mind, I barged into his room. Very rudely may I add, but what-fucken-ever. He wants to ignore me; I'll make sure to become unignorable. I gave him time, and space, and now I'm taking another route. I'm going force him into talking to me, and if that means I'm the bad guy, then so be it. I can't continue watching him spin and spin, until he falls face first to the ground. I can't walk around knowing he isn't sleeping or living for that matter. So, if he wants to take his hate out of someone, then I'll be the fucken punching bag for him. It's a small sacrifice for the greater good.

I paused at the base of his room, narrowing my attention at the fucken mess before looking towards where he hung upside down on his pull up bar. He had sweat running down his arms, and shinning off his chest. I'll bet his been there for a long minute. "Your face is turning red." I said, noting how strained his face looked.

Maddox stared at me, upside down and unhappy for sure. "Please, come in why don't you." he huffed; arms crossed to his chest as he pulled himself upwards into a crunch and fell back. I wonder how long he has been forcing his body into suffering to shut off the mental pain of it all.

I looked around his room. "Thank you." I deadpanned, because clearly, I was unwanted here. After the eighth ignored phone call, you get the message loud and fucken clear. Expect me. I didn't get the message, or more like I ignored it. Two can play the game.

His room was a fucken mess, his bed sheets were scatted across the floor. His pillows laid on the ground up against the wall as if he had thrown them with force, and his mattress wasn't even on the bed anymore. It was half hanging off. "Are you redesignating? It's lovely."

"You think? With our lives free for all now I was thinking of becoming a decorator."

I forced myself not to laugh. "I don't know if the world is ready for that." I said, knowing to fucken well Maddox can't even put an outfit together.

I crossed the room, stopping an inch away from where he hung upside down. "Can you take a step backwards? I'm sure your dick is great, and Lina appreciates it, but I can't say the same for myself." he clipped, reaching out and trying to push me away by my hips. I didn't budge. He tried again, with more force, and again, I steeled myself in place. He was the one with a lesser advantage right now after all.

After the fourth push, I squatted down to his face. "Are you done?" I asked, narrowing my glare right into those pale storm eyes of his that looked so fucken brutally dulled out. Ever spark of any light had been sucked out, and it was like a gut punch.

"Done? With what exactly? Because I wasn't aware I can't fucken work out now."

Don't bitch slap him. Don't bitch slap him. Don't do it. "Get down, you're coming with me."

He laughed. Actually laughed in my face as if I said the most comical joke his ever heard. "You know, Mateo, I think you can't actually command me anymore. I think you lost that role."

I never wanted it to begin with. I wanted to yell that at him, but he knows. And right now, his trying to get on my nerves, trying to make me back down but I had steeled patience with him. He needs someone to be there for him, regardless of if he wants it or not. He can push me as far and hard as he wants, and I'll end up right in his face again. "I might not be able to command you to come with me, but don't underestimate me, Maddox. You will come with me, even if I have to physically drag you out of here." I told him, noting his nostrils flare with anger. Anger is good. Hell, anything is better than him shutting everyone out and holing himself up in this dreadful room.

"Unless you overnight became the Hulk, there no way you can drag me out of here. You aren't physically capable of doing that with me fighting you."

His right. "Who said I won't have help? I have loyal fucken brothers who would be more then happy to get your fucken ass out of this room if I asked."

He stared me down, trying to intimidate me through the cold press of his pale eyes. And I'll be honest that it was fucken shivering to get a look like that from him. I have personally never been on the other end of his death glare, and I feel sorry for anyone who's ever here. But I will die on this fucken side if it get's him out of whatever this place in his mind his confided himself into.

After a long moment of him staring at me, he finally lifted himself upwards and jumped off the bar. His feet thumped on the woodened floor, and I saw him wobbled from the rush of blood rushing into his veins. I jerked forward on instinct, but he shot away from me and turned so quickly that I almost didn't see the twisted look of hurt in his eyes. Almost. Because I did. I fucken saw how badly he needed to get away from me, and yet wanting nothing but to run to me. I could see the torn confusion in his expression every time it happens. As if he doesn't know what to do and is afraid of both outcomes. Of being touched, and of not being touched.

I steeled myself in place because otherwise I would go after him, and I'm not sure he could handle that. Instead, I watched him snatch a hoodie off the ground and pull it onto himself. He didn't both checking if it was clean, just tugged it over his head and glanced at me from beneath the hood. "Are you going to tell me where we are going?"

I shrugged, "It's a surprise."

"My favorite." he said with a click of the tongue.

I half expected to actually have to fighting him, but to my own surprise he followed me out the room. Hell, I had my brothers ready to come here and help me drag his ass out. We all agreed that enough is enough. His not getting any better and is turning less human by the second. And after Kirsan's long lecture about how psychological dangerous that could be if he actually let himself fall to deep in his mind, I officially said fuck it. He can hate me for this, but at least he will feel something.

I shot looks over my shoulder every few second to make sure his still there and has not snuck off. Which only made him laugh. "Are you going to chase me around the house if I run?" he asked.

I paused at the last step of the stair. "If that's what it takes."

He grinned at me. "How persistent of you. All this effort for me? You don't think it's a waste?"

I eyed him. "You're not a waste of my energy, or time, or affection."

He nodded his head, eyes flickering in some sort of relief. And yet his words didn't reflect his inner feelings. "Your little girlfriend is rubbing off on you."

I tensed. I don't know if I can handle him talking shit about Lina. I can only take so much, but if he crossed that line then we are seriously going to have problems. "She's worried about you too." I told him, wondering if that would change anything for him. If knowing that it was more then just his own family, and mine that were starting to worry about him.

He rolled his eyes, pushing past me. "She worries about everything. I'm not special." he clipped with anger hinting in his tone.

I wanted to grab him and shake him around a little. I really did, but instead I fisted my hands by my side and walked after him. "You know your wrong." I told him, because he was. Lina cares about Maddox. I think she found something in him, saw some familiarity of the old him and she's clinging on too it. It's good for him. He needs a reminded of good, of his own good. He used to have so much of it. And if Lina can make him remember the old Maddox, then I wouldn't stop it.

We turned the corner, walking towards the garage. "I'm not in the mood to talk about this." he snapped, "And if you continue to push the topic of your girlfriend, we both will regret it."

I sighed, ending that angle of conversation. I really rather not have to regret anything after this conversation. I already regret to much when it comes to him, and I don't plan to add to that fucken list. But before I could try a different angel to get him to talk, Lily popped out from the living room. "Where you two going?" she called, coming towards us with a carton of ice cream in one hand, and a spoon in the other.

Maddox looked at her. "This jackass if kidnapping me." he answered, in the most uncaring way you could, and I cringed. I'm not kidnapping him. And I hate the thought of Maddox and kidnaping in the same sentence.

Lily raised her brow at me, licking the spoon. "Well, jackass, you bring my brother home in one piece, or else."

I halted beside Maddox who had stopped by his sister and was taking the spoon from her to get a bite, and sighed. "Will there ever be a day you won't threaten me?" I asked her, sticking my hands in my joggers. I really at this point can't remember the last calm conversation we had. Even on the porch that day of Ash crash, we argued about why she didn't stop him. Sure, we did come down to an agreement that we both needed to watch him and report to each other but fucken hell the girl irritated me beyond words.

"The day you stop threating me."

I pressed my jaw tightly shut. I have had enough of it, and I don't know where this was coming from. Maybe it's the new step in life we are taking but I found that I wanted to find a way to be at peace with Lily too. "Lily, what is it that I did to you for you to hate me this much?" I asked, looking down at her from my nose.

Shock stuck her brilliant eyes before fading into nothingness and making me uneasy. It's one thing annoying her, and having her pissed at me but shocking her? What the fuck am I missing? "It's not what you did, it's what you didn't do." she answered, but something like wavering hurt rung in her tone and honestly took me back for a second. This is the second time that I have caught it. First in the bathroom where she announced that she needed me at some point, and I wasn't there for her, and then just now.

I eyed her, trying to read her expression. "Explain to me what you mean, because I really have no clue what you think I didn't do."

She stuck the spoon in the ice cream with force. Her razorblade gaze cutting right through me in the most uncomfortable way, but I stood my ground. Whatever this tension is between us, we needed to get past it. We were fucken family after all, and truth is I'm tired of always fighting with her. I rather have her on my team then against me. "Are you that stupid?" she asked me, making me twitch in anger.

Maddox sighed. "I don't know if I need to stop this, or let it go."

"No, no." Lily said, shoving the ice cream at Maddox and keeping her gaze locked with me, "You want to know my problem with you? Why I can't fucken stand you? Because you think I don't need you! You run to everyone. Any time something happens your fucken sprint to help them and you don't give a fuck if it will hurt you or not, you help, and you care. But when I need you, when I'm fucken losing my shit, you argue with me. You don't help! You fight me."

The fuck is she talking about? "Lily, when have you ever been losing your shit, and I argued with you?"

Her shoulders fell, but her eyes blazed into me like she wanted to hit me over the head to understand her. "Every fucken time! You think I find it easy watching Ash struggle? Having to get him out of bed when just moving a muscle hurts him? To see him in pain, and misery and know that nothing can help him. To go day in and out, knowing that any second his going to flip and I'm going to have to find a way to flip his switch again or he might not make it. That day of the crash, I watched him spiral, and panic because he can't figure out what he wants or needs. And I had to hold in my arms well he broke, and swore to me he was fine. I had to watch him hate himself for what he did and convince him that his strong enough to tell you. I had to do all that, despite how much I was break for him! Ash wasn't okay, and I was losing my shit, and you cared about your bike."

Dry air hit the back of my throat and suffocated me. Realization poured into my mind, and it all started to make sense. I always knew Lily cared about Ash; hell you have to be stupid not to see it but I never thought she hurt that much for him. I never understood the lengths of her love for him, because she never took the time to explain to me. I had to guess everything, and now it finally made sense. She did love him, and maybe they both weren't in a place to admit that to each other, but they did love each other. They broke and healed with each other.

I cleared my throat, but it still felt stuffed and dry. "I didn't give a fuck about the bike. You know this, Lily and you saying so is just you hiding from what you really want to say. You want to fight me at ever turn so be it, but don't fucken say I don't care. Because you could have came to me, and I would have done anything for you. I still would. Despite how bloody mad you make me, if you came to me, I would drop everything for you." I explained in a leveled tone.

She squared her shoulders. "Come to you? I tried to come to you repeatedly and you found a way to push me away."

More confusion filled my mind. How the fuck was I that clueless? How did I miss this? I always thought she hated me because we were too similar, and she didn't like that I was commanding, and a know-it-all. But it turns out this whole times, it was because I hurt her. Because I wasn't there when she needed me. "I'm sorry for whatever it is I did that hurt you. But you never came to me, you never asked me for shit. You don't communicate with me, and you act as if I'm beneath you. How could you expect me to know you needed me? You always pushed me away from you, and I always thought it was because you couldn't stand my personality. I didn't know you needed me."

She chuckled, no humor in it at all. "For a guy who's supposed to be fucken smart, you really are blind as a bat."

And with that, she spun and marched away. Not letting me get another word or try to ask her for more. I could feel that this conversation wasn't over, and we still had a lot to go over because I wasn't going to leave it like that. If I ever made her feel unwanted, or unloved by me, then I would fix that. I would find a way. She was my family, my responsibility too and apparently, I have been fucken blind to it too. Blind to her pain and pushing it off as her just pushing me for her own entertainment. Fuck me. I would find her later to figure that out.

"Lord." Maddox scoffed, "I didn't expect that."

I turned to look at him. "You knew this?" was I the only one who didn't?

He laughed, walking to the kitchen. "Not to that extent but I had a clue." he said, making me realize I really was fucken clueless here.

He dropped off the ice cream, and we left. I didn't have to shove him into the car, and that was enough for me because my mind was still spinning. I was still going over my latest conversation with Lily and starting to realize more and more how much I really did fuck up. I left her out. I came for everyone, and never her. Sure, I didn't know she needed me. I didn't know that she even wanted me, but regardless, I should have known.

By the time we had pulled up in the empty field, and I parked my car, I realized that Maddox and I had yet to say a word to each other. I was caught up in my own mind, and he was in his. The whole point of this was to pull him out of it, not let him seep further. I sighed at myself, feeling like I'm losing my grip and forced myself to get out the car.

Maddox followed me out and came to my side. "We climbed this one." he said, head tipped up to look at the top of the cell tower. We did climb this one, but it was the best climb too. And I just need to get him away from the surface of his problem and up for some air.

"We are climbing it again."

He sighed but followed after me without much of fight. It made me question how much fight he really has left, and something told me it was almost nothing.

I tipped my head over my shoulder as he gripped the tower and noted Joel. He was perched on the hood of his car, scowling at us. To my disappointment, he was still following me around. But I sighed, choosing to ignore him today and looked up towards Maddox.

Gripped the tower, I pushed upwards and swung a hand up to catch the next railing. In the meantime, I watched Maddox's every move with hawk eyes. I knew he wasn't going to do anything, but it was just the fucken evil thought it my mind that wouldn't loosen up. And finally, when we were at the very top, and flowy clear air was breezing around us, did I finally relax.

Maddox swung his legs beside me, head dripped down as he stared at the ground. His shoulder coiled inwards, and I had a million questions for him but settled on a simple one. "What's on your mind?"

He kicked his leg. "More than you can handle."

"Try me."

His gaze came up to me, pinning on me with strength that I could feel wasn't strong enough to hold me for long. He was losing it by the second, and all I wanted was for those pale eyes to light with life again because I can't watch them die for another second. I can't watch my best friend whitter away any longer.