CHAPTER SONG - Half A Man, Dean Lewis

They say you never know a person. Not even when you do. There are always secrets, and stories that hide in their shadows. Past's that always catch up, and trauma that never subsides. You never know a person. Not even when you do.

I'm convinced I know nothing now. Sure, I know a little but what I know feels like a single seed compared to the tree that's grown for a thousand years. It's nothing compared to the deeply engraved shadows. Nothing. And yet, staring down to the man sleeping in my bed, I'm convinced I can climb the tree and learn all its secrets. They aren't pretty, they give you splinters, poke and prod you but the view at the top will be like no other.

I'm an optimist.

I try to be one at least.

But holy motherfucken shit.

I knew, know, nothing.

Excuse my colored words, but I think I'm allowed a moment here.

All this information that Mateo's told me tonight, makes me question everything. I'm looking at him, and can't believe half the trauma, and experience his lived through. His so young, only barely sprouted on this world and here he is, covered head to toe in sin that is suffocating him. I never understood what he meant by the darkness, and now, I get it. It's what's killing him.

Sin. Torment. Loose. Fear. Hatred. Trauma. Grief.

Its's all taking up his heart and invading him to the point that he can't see straight.

I can't blame him, not when I see how much it hurts him. How much of it he blames himself for. It brutalized him to even think that I might look at him different after this. But doesn't he understand that his hands might be strained in sin, blood, and holy terror but I will always reach for him. He might be his own villain, but he will always be my savage savior.

He thinks this changes how I see him, and it does. This opens my eyes to him more. He thinks I will love him less, and his wrong. Oh, how his wrong because I only love him more. I only want to hold him tighter and find a way to give him all the things he thinks he doesn't deserve. I want to give him all the adoration, sincerity, pure compassion, and devotion that he has been lacking.

His parents love him, his siblings adore him, and it's not what his missing.

He need's someone to look at him and see past those bloody sins that swirl in his eyes and take away his sanity. He need's someone to look at him and see the true him. The one that his even lost, and he need's that person to help him find the true him again. He needs a reminder of good, and I'll be the statue for him. I'll be the tree he climbs.

He might think his evil, but really, his black magic. A magic that has invaded me and gave me a way to survive.

He hasn't awaken yet, eyes shut peacefully, and face relaxed into an ungodly beauty. Somehow, he looked so still, even with every twitch, and jerk of his body. I wanted to keep him here forever. Where his problems were little and nonexistent. Where he felt relief, and lull. It also made me wonder how little sleep his been getting, with his nightmares, and Maddox, I doubt it's much. His been stressing himself into oblivion and after tonight, I realize just how well he knew how to lock away all of his emotions. How well he knew how to hide.

He showed me that his darkness is pure, raw, and sunless. He showed me that I need to learn how to fight through the rayless space that is so close to his heart. I will learn. I'll find a way to give him some glow. I'll do it, because I'll always find him. Through thick or thin, through light or dark, through worlds, I'll find him because he would do the same for me.

My thoughts were paused by the vibration of my phone on my nightstand, and at lightning speed I plucked it off the stand. I didn't want it to wake him, not when he clearly needs the rest. And for a second, I stared at the caller ID, frozen. Tonight, among the heaps of information I got, I also learned a little about Maddox. I leaned that not only is Mateo dimmed, but so is Maddox. Both of them were fighting their way out of the inky dust.

Clicking the answer button, I brought my phone up to my ear. "Madds." I whispered, feeling a new sense of adoration for Maddox too.

A second passed before he cleared his throat. "Lina." his tone so gravel, and coarse it hurt my head.

I squeezed my eyes shut, sending a prayer up for Maddox. I knew so little about him too, and now I feel like I know only a tiny bit more. His still the joker, but now his jokes make me question him. All those times he joked about a getting a hug, or me loving him. What if all those times he was really in need of a hug, of attention, and comfort. What if all those times, he was just trying to express himself in any way he can. "Maddox." I whispered again, my voice crippling.

"How is he?" he asked, his tone too brittle to sound like his usual cheerful one.

I looked at the man next to me, searching for an answer that seemed to not come. "I don't know. His okay. His lost. His confused. His—his..." I lost anymore words, falling silent.

Maddox didn't respond. And all I could hear was him breathing, and it hurt. It hurt to know what's his been through. What he has been living with. Sweet bunnies, did it hurt to know. I realized then, why this family is always surrounded by each other. Because they are the only once's that understand each other. They are the only once that they can turn too, and not feel like monsters that need to be put down.

"Maddox—" I whispered, my voice creaking under the lump lodged in my throat, "How are you?"

He blew out a breath, taking a second to find his words. And in a tone still barely above a whisper he answered, "I don't know, Lin. I'm still wrapping my mind around everything, and having a hard time imagine a different life. I hate that I want to try. I hate myself for it, because isn't this who I am?"

I chocked on my words, the same words I had to tell Mateo. "You can be who ever you want to be. You don't have to be something just because you grew up believing so."

"The unknown is fucken terrifying. And what if I don't know who I want to be? Hell, what if I don't want to be anyone? What if I just want to find a way to sleep though the night? I just want to take my next breath, and see if I can get through that, Lina. That's it. That's all I have left."

Tears gathered in my eyes, stinging against my lids. "Then you do that. You take it one step at a time, and when your ready, you take another step. I believe in your Maddox, and I believe you're a good man despite what you went though."

He chuckled in the most morbid and dreadful way I have ever heard. "You're to kind sweetheart, and one day that will get you hurt."

"Then so be it. At least I'll know what it's like to live without misery in my heart. You should know what that's like to Maddox, you deserve that much."

He stayed silent, and together, we sat there. I didn't realize how much I had come to adore and appreciate Maddox until this second. Until I could hear him breaking on the other line of this phone, and I was praying for him to find his strength. His become an important part of my life. Someone who's filled an empty slot in my heart and has given me happiness in his own way. He became my friend, and even more, his become like my brother. For the first time, I was coming to realize what its feels like to have people who are like siblings that care about me. The kind of love that I begged, and cried for, Maddox gave me. Effortlessly, he become my family.

Finally, he broke the silence. "Lina?"

"Yes?"

Pain stoked his tone as he spoke, "I know it's a lot to ask, and you're allowed to say no, —" something tells me Maddox could ask me for the moon and I would ty to find a way to give it to him, "But do you mind if I stay over? I really need Mateo right now, otherwise I might take that next breath and not make it though."

I glanced at the sleepless body next to me. "I think he needs you too." I whispered, tears rolling down my face as I watched Mateo, and hurt for both of them. Their burden was heavy, and even in his sleep, his restless mind barely let him stay calm. He twitched, and constantly moved around, as if he was fighting himself even asleep. For some reason, I believed he would calm if Maddox was close to him.

Maddox sighed. "Sweetheart, I appreciate you letting me come over but I'm kind of already here. On your porch."

I scurried off the bed, doing my best to not wake up Mateo. "Why didn't you say something earlier?" I asked, hurrying for the door, "I would have come down sooner."

"I don't know how, Lina. Nothing is simple for me, and asking for stuff is most difficult. Me showing up here, that took everything."

I closed the door to my room softly. "Asking for comfort? For someone to love you? To take care of you? Maddox that's not hard, that human nature."

"You don't get it." he said in a torn down tone.

I jogged down the stairs. "Then explain it to me, Maddox."

"I want to be loved," he explained, his tone monotone, and ghostly just like his eyes, "but I feel like throwing up over the thought. I crave to be touched, and still flinch every time. I want someone to look at me like I'm more then damaged goods and yet when someone does, I want to hide because I know how wrong that is. I'm half corpse, and half human. And I don't know how to stop myself from hating the feeling of wanting to be loved."

I grabbed the door handle of the front door and yanked it open as I clicked off my phone. Maddox was sitting there, on the porch, and hunched over his knees. He held his head between his hands, and his phone sat beside him on the step. A black hoodie tugged over his head, as if his been sitting here for a while and wants no one to find him. But that's wrong, because he just told me he wants it all. He just doesn't know how to live with it.

I felt my chest clench up painful as I took a step in his direction, wanting nothing more then to hug him. But before I could get further, I was trampled over by Alvin who sprinted up the porch and right into my legs, making me stumble. I caught my footing and bent down to pet him as Maddox finally rose.

I tipped my head up at him. "Its okay to be afraid, Maddox. After what you have been through, you have the right to deal with your trauma the way you see fit. It's not okay to not try to deal with it, and to let yourself suffer."

His eyes held no more then empty grey plains as he looked at me. Endless nothingness sat on his face, and I wondered how he could pretend to feel no pain when his clearly not okay. How was he able to trick everyone into thinking his fine? "I hope it's okay that I'm here." he said, rolling out his neck that must have been stiff.

I smiled the best I could. "It's okay, Madds." I told him, petting Alvin who sat with his back to me, and facing Maddox, as if he was watching him.

Finally, I stood, and walked back inside with Maddox and Alvin following me. I glanced over my shoulder and asked, "Are you hungry? I have food, or I could make something for you. I don't know what I have in the fridge, but I'm sure I could come up with something."

I turned just in time to see him close the door. "No. Thanks though." he said, looking as out of it as Mateo when he showed up. As if they were thrown into another planet, and now they needed to figure out how to live here, and what they were suppose to do here.

I paused by the couch, leaning on it because all of a sudden, looking at him, I felt myself want to cry again. "His upstairs." I whispered because I couldn't find more energy, "First bedroom to the right. His asleep, and maybe you should go try to sleep too?" I asked, knowing that he too had problems with Lord Morpheus and the dream land.

Maddox nodded, blinking with his bloodshot eyes and ran a hand through his head too smoothen down the careless blondish hair that stuck in every direction sense he tugged off his hoodie. Without another word, he turned to make his way upstairs, but I called out before he got far. "Ill wake you later, and see if you need anything."

He frozen in place, stiffening under my words and I watched tension roll up his neck and spread across his shoulders as he turned slowly to look at me. His hard gaze pinned on me, and terror filled the storm brewing eyes. "Lina." he said roughly, as if the words were scraping up his throat and razing him, "Never wake me. If you every need to wake me, you ask Mateo, or Kirsan but you never do it yourself."

I blinked thought my confusion, searching his edged face. "Why?" I asked, but even I heard how poorly I spoke up.

Maddox's arms dropped to his side, and Alvin rubbed his head on his leg, whining a little. I looked down to him, finding him licking Maddox's trembling hands too, and I wonder if he could sense Maddox's horrifying fear that clearly sat in his chest. "Because I will put a gun to your face, Lina. And I don't want to do that." he replied, chest rising and falling with crushing weight.

I must have looked as confused as I felt because he explained further, "I sleep with it under my pillow. It's the only way I can go to sleep. If you wake me, on instinct, I will pull it on you. So, please, Lina," his voice cracked, "never wake me."

"For how long?" I asked, tears gathering my eyes again.

"A couple days after Mateo rescued me."

I couldn't hold back my hiccup as I felt the tears roll down my face hot and heavy. I covered my mouth with my hand to hide it, but it didn't matter. He saw, and the expression on his face softened. "If you're crying for me, sweetheart, don't. It's only going to be wasted, and you have better things to cry for." he told me, but I didn't believe him.

I shook my head. His wrong. He deserved to be just as loved. And right now, his just fighting to survive. I can't imagine his suffering, but I know the feeling of just wanting to see if you can get through the next moment, or if it will be your last. And when his silver toned eyes fell, and glistened over, I knew he felt like he was failing. "I'm sorry for what you went through." I told him, wanting to walk over there and hug him so hard.

It took him a second, but he forced his shoulders backwards and looked up at me. Whatever expression was there before, whatever he felt a second ago was gone. "You shouldn't feel sorry for me, sweetheart. Feel sorry for those who turned me into this because they underestimated me."

I might be kind, but I felt no empathy to anyone who could hurt him. For anyone who could look at Maddox and see something other than a man who needs love and attention so strong that it will overpower the suffering that's holding him hostage. And with colorful words, I cursed anyone who harmed him.

He gave me a humorless chuckle. "Cheer up, Lina. Life moves on, doesn't it?" he said, before turning around and jogging up the stairs with Alvin behind him. And I watched him the whole time, staying frozen in place until he was gone. And even then, I stared at the same spot caught up in my own thoughts. Because his right, life moves on, but the scars and trauma always linger behind.

It wasn't until my phone buzzed in my pocket that I realized I have been standing here for a solid moment, and even my legs were starting to ache. I pulled out my phone, glancing at caller ID and picked it up. "Hey." I answered, walking to the kitchen because I felt like I needed some water to wash away the lingering pain in my throat from my sobs.

"Hello, dear. Can you confirm that both Mateo, and Maddox are your house?"

I opened a cabinet and grabbed a cup. "Yes, both are here. Mateo is asleep, and Maddox went up to him too." I answered.

"Thank you. How would you say their mental stability is?"

How do you even answer that question? Sweet peaches, I don't think they can even give you a clear answer to that question. It's so complex that I think it might take them years to figure it out, and to sort through all the trauma left behind. "Undetermined." I explained, filling up the cup at the fridge, "Or more like I can't say. Neither of them are taking the change easy, both are lost." I explained.

Kirsan sighed, and I swear I heard the wavering worries in his tone. "Do you mind if I stop by and check on them?"

I gulped down the water, feeling the thirst build again. I must be terrible dehydrated at this point. And before I could answer, the background filled with more voices. "Us too! Don't forget about us Kirsan. I'm going no matter if she likes it or not." It was a mix between the other three younger siblings, but the last one was definitely Lily, and yet I couldn't blame her.

Kirsan shushed them all before talking into the phone again, "Yes, them too. All of us, basically. I understand it's your house, Lina. And you have full right to say no, but I'm asking you to consider that we are all worried about them, and—"

I cut him off, "Kirsan." I knew he had a full speech planned, and really, I didn't need it. I already knew that eventually they would all come. They always do for each other, and I respected and adored that about them. They were a team and fought every war together. Regardless of who's hurting, they all were there. They loved each other to length that I didn't know existed and they showed me that there's more to family love then even I knew.

I put the cup in the sink as I answered, "Come over. Bring them all."

He stayed silent for a moment, before replying in a softened tone, "Thank you."

We hung up, and I washed my cup before I put it away. And for the next twenty minutes, I sat on the bar stood and ran circles around my unending thoughts. It was a lot of process, and it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into, but this was a lot. And I just needed a second to clear my mind. None of this changed my love for Mateo, but I needed a second to come to my senses because his sins were heavy and I needed to be stronger for him.

I only got up when the doorbell rung, and on my porch stood the rest of the four warriors. Which meant my house was filled with Ramos, and Vallero's and that should start some kind of chaos, but it seems today everyone was a little less energized. I guess they understand that all of their lives are changing. Everything they knew was shifting and they were all trying to figure out a way to shift with it.

Ash pushed past me. "Do you mind if I get food? I haven't eaten."

I glanced over my shoulder as he walked to the kitchen. "Go for it." I called out, even if he was already going about it.

I turned back, just as Lily paused beside me. She unbuttoned her jacket, revealing a whitewash crop top that stopped mid stomach. Her normal fierce eyes were a shade less bold today, and instead she looked at me with a dulled-out expression. "Where's my brother?" she asked, less demanding then usual.

I pointed at the stairs. "First door to the right."