CHAPTER SONG- Atlantis, Seafret

I cleared my throat, glancing at Ash for the fourth time, or fifth? Who knows. All I knew is that he was outside my class when the bell rung, and since then he hasn't spoken a single word. He didn't even respond when I greeted him. Which is unlike him. His usually so upbeat, and a ray of sunshine, but today he looked like he was just gloomy, and his smiles ceased to happen. Actually, his walking like a zombie. Head hung, feet dragging, gaze distant, and just radiating sadness.

Keeping my eye on him, I pulled out my phone and quickly texted Mateo to see if he knew what was going on, and if I could help. I'm sure it's not much, but this was Ash. He makes everyone around him feel lighthearted, and when he looked like his breaking down, it sparks some sort of protectiveness in you. I wanted to find a way to help him, because he had helped me more then he will ever realize. Ash has started feeling like a little brother that thrives on chaos and seeing him like this was just pure heartbreaking.

We continued to walk as I held my phone, waiting for Mateo to respond. In the meantime, I kept looking over at Ash, who stumbled beside me in grey sweat like joggers and a dark grey sweatshirt. He looked like he picked up the first thing he saw off his floor and put it on. His white Yeezy's scraped the ground every time he took a step. And really, he looked like he didn't even have the energy to pick his feet up.

My phone buzzed in my hand, making me glace down at it. Ash? What's wrong with him?

Seems off. I don't know, maybe check on him?

We stopped beside my class and stood. Neither of us moving as people rushed around us. I should go, I know, and yet I didn't take a step into the classroom. I don't know why, maybe because the way he looked made me not want to leave him alone. The resting expression on his face looked so brutally tired, that even every breath he took looked like it stole years off him. Every passing second looked like he was closer and closer to just crumbling into nothing. And something told me he wanted that, wished for it even. As if that would take away the exhaustion that pressured on his chest. It wouldn't Ash, I know.

The bell rung, and we just stood there. The door behind me shut, and we just stood there. I wasn't leaving him, and he didn't look like he could even move.

"Ash..." I whispered, making him tip his head up and show me his glossy soft burnt eyes full of blunt depletion. They almost made me sway back, hitting me so badly I wanted to wince but instead I straightened out with confidence. "Let's sit?" I suggested, motioning to the wall. He didn't respond, only sagged his shoulder and dragged himself over to that wall. I watched him slid down the wall, falling to the ground before dropping his head between his pulled-up knees.

I slid down next to him, shoulder to shoulder. No doubt in my mind now about wither I should have left him or not. It was clear, he shouldn't be alone. I have no idea what was going on in his mind, but it has killing him slowly and as the moment's pasted, I worried more and more. Opening my phone, I quickly replied to Mateo's text, telling him to come here. Then, I built my confidence up as I dialed the one person I was sure would be able to help him. The one person that scared the socks off me, and I had no idea how to talk too.

The phone clicked too soon. "Goody two-shoes, calling me in the middle of school? What a lovely surprise. Is the world ending?"

I almost winced, wanting nothing more than to just hang up but then I glanced over at Ash, and knew I can't back down. Lily wasn't someone I wanted talk too. Especially when she always made a point to poke at me. I don't know why she does it, and in no way am I going to question her. Instead, I took a breath and cleared my throat. "It's not, but, ah." I stumbled over my words before sighing.

It shouldn't be this hard to ask her to come here. But it's Lily, and she scares me. She's terribly intimidating and the only reason I'm calling is for Ash. I had to tell myself that a few times because otherwise, I would have hung up and gave up.

"Lina, do you need a lesson on how to speak English?"

I rushed the words out before they got lost again. "Can you come down to hall three hundred? Something's wrong with Ash."

She didn't respond for a second, but I could hear her moving around, and then someone called after her, but she ignored it. She was coming. Lily would always come for Ash. I don't understand them, and maybe we all are miscalculating their relationship, but I'm positive there's something there. I would bet a pretty penny on it, if I had that.

She sounded like she was running as she huffed, "What's wrong with him?"

I looked over at him. What was wrong with him. Great question. "I'm not sure." I muttered.

"Stay with him Lina, don't fucken leave him." she commanded, ending the phone call. I wouldn't, I thought as I put my phone away. I wouldn't leave him even if she didn't just basically threaten me. He didn't look like he should be alone whatsoever, and in a way, I might not know what his going through, but I know what it's like to be alone. No one should know what it's like to hear the echoes of void in your ears, and cry for someone to answer your prayers. I might not be person he needs, but I was the only one here, and that had to count for something. Palming his knee, I leaned towards him. "Ash, are you okay?" I asked, so softly that my own stomach fluttered in hurt.

He shook his head, not making the effort to even lift it. "I'm not. I'm not okay, I'm never okay. I'm so tired Lin, so tired of breathing. I hate this. I hate feeling like this." he replied, voice breaking off into dust and choking him. God, he was breaking beside me, and I couldn't do anything but watch him. I never understood what Mateo meant that he couldn't help, but now... god, this was terrible.

Tears gathered in my eyes as I brought my arms around him and held him in a side hug. "You'll be okay, Ash. You will be."

Without lifting his head, he mumbled out a reply, "Everyone keep's saying that, but it hasn't happened. I don't think it ever will."

His confession, if you can call it that caught me off guard a little. Mostly, because you would never guess that Ash of all people had anything going on. He was always riding the high and living on dopamine. I swear, I don't think I have seen the kid without a smile on his face or a laugh in his throat. He always looked like he was on the verge of jumping up on the table and dancing. Then again, they say that the happiest people are also the saddest. It hit me then how much that reminded me of myself, a little much.

I hugged him tighter. "You want to know a secret?" I asked, some irrational part believing that the tighter I held him, the less chance there is for him to break in my arms. Only his already splintering away, and it started long before today. He didn't respond, so I decided to tell him anyways. "What your feeling sucks, and it might not be okay today, or tomorrow. You might feel this for a long time, but Ash, it ends. At some point, it gets better, or you get stronger, I don't know. But I know it gets better. You just have to keep pushing until then. Please, Ash, just keep fighting."

He didn't respond, and I didn't push him too. He clearly needed time, and maybe even someone to hold him. But something tells me I'm not the right person. So, we sat in silence for what felt like forever but in reality, was only maybe another few minutes before Mateo came running down the hall. He stopped in front of us, dropping down to our level and put both of his hands on the side of each of Ash's knees. "Ash." he called, voice filling with raw concern.

Slowly, Ash lifted his head, dropping his chin onto his knees like it was too heavy to hold up. "I'm trying," he whispered but the words crackled off into nothing, again. "I'm fine, you didn't need to come. I just need a second, and I'll be okay."

Mateo eyed him, expression full of agony. "I know you will be bud. I'm so proud of you, but what did Kirsan tell you?" he asked him, serenity gripping his tone as he tried to hide just how much he was suffering watching his brother hurt.

"To take care of myself."

Mateo nodded. "And what did I tell you?"

Ash inhaled, eyes full of bundled tears. "That you need me, and I'm trying, Mateo, I am but it's not enough." he chocked, a tear slipping down his face in pure torment that made my breath hit the back of my throat and almost chock me. It was heartbreaking to watch Ash torture himself. God, how long has he been like this? How long has he been hurting? His so good at hiding it, and it made me realize how well I was at hiding my own hurt. We were champs at it because it's easier to hurt in private then to let the world know how damaged you are. Except hiding is the true problem, because maybe if we didn't hide it then someone would finally see how much help we really needed.

Mateo clenched his jaw, pulling forward and gripping Ash's shoulder. "It's enough. Your enough, Ash. Your more than enough. Your trying, and that's all you can do. You're strong kid, the strongest."

Ash regarded him, another tear rolling down the side of his tired face. "I want Lil's." he whispered in a raspy voice and dropped his head back in between his knees. Mateo pushed back to grab his phone. "I'll call her." he said but I shook my head. "I already called her." I explained, making Mateo's expression fill with gratitude. I gave him the slightest nod, because it's the least I could do. Even if it meant making an uncomfortable call to the one person that made it a point to not like me.

Both of us glanced down the hall where Lily was running full speed and holding her slippers in her hand. Platinum blond hair swooshing as she ran heavily, and purposefully. Her only focus was Ash and helping him. I might not be her biggest fan, but the love she had for Ash was unbeatable. The girl lived and breath Ash, and funny enough he was the same with her.

Before she was even to him, she was already yelling for him. Which made his head snapped up as she came to a stop in front of him. Tears clouding his eyes, and tiredness penetrating the creaks of his face, but he sprung up and collided into her arms as if that would stop the hurt, the pain, and just silence it all. She caught him, breathing heavily from her run, but so effortlessly that it was like she was meant to hold him. Like all those years that were stolen from him didn't matter because she would give him hers.

Lily tucked her head into his shoulder. "Ash, you told me you were fine."

"I lied." he trembled, and Mateo slid down the wall beside me and brought his knees up. He set his elbows on his knees and ran his hands through his thick black hair, tugging at it roughly. I cringed, watching him do that and leaned into his shoulder as he watched his brother with a grave expression on his face. His body tense, and ridged but when I leaned into him, he seemed to relax just the tiniest bit.

Lily sighed. "Why, Ash. Why would you lie? You know that's not going to help."

"Neither is anything else, so what's it matter?"

Mateo shook his head. "It fucken matters, Ash." he said, torment by his brothers suffering, "We are all here for you, and you need to let us do that." he explained. He cared for him so much, he cared for every single family member. Their wellbeing matter to him so much that something like this happened, and he blamed himself. I could feel it now, the oozing blame he was releasing, as if this was his fault somehow. I wish he wouldn't blame himself, but he was selfless like that. I know he calls himself selfish, but when he came to his family, he would do just about anything from them. I admired that about him, so much.

From the ground, I watched Lily hold Ash like she could save him. Perhaps she can. If anyone could, it would be her because in her arms he looks like he just might okay. He held onto her like he was afraid of slipping out of her hold, like she was his first and last breath. I was team Ash, so I was rooting for him. Secretly but not so secretly, I'm team Ash and Lily, despite how much she scares me. I still want her happy, and Ash is her soulmate, I'm convinced of it.

"No more lying, Ash." Lily whispered, voice wavering as she squeezed her eyes shut, "No more, please."

For a long minute, they stayed in each other embrace well the world around them faded out into nothingness, and when Ash finally pulled away and took the biggest gulp of air, you could just see how much Lily's hug helped him. Even if he still looked like he wanted to run back into her embrace and never come out, you could also see the strength it took to pull out. And Lily's expression said she couldn't be prouder of him.

I was proud of him.

He cleared his throat. "I want to go home." he said, glancing at Mateo even if his tone was still weakened.

Lily nodded, wrapping her arm around his waist. "Well, we sure as fuck aren't staying in this hell hole."

Ash clenched his jaw, eyes still a little glossed over as he turned to Mateo, who was watching him from the ground. An agonizing expression slipped onto Ash's face, and something like apologies crossing his gaze, making Mateo shake his head. "Ash—" he started but Ash cut him off. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen now, it's just—"

Mateo sprung off the ground, taking a big step and closing the gap between his brother and him. "Look at me, Ash. Do you think I care about when it happened? No. I only care that you're okay. Don't you dare start apologizing to me right now, not for this." he told him.

Ash regarded his brother for a second, before dropping his head a little and nodding, as if he was trying to convince himself that it's really fine. And Lily nudged him. "Come on lighting bug, you can do better than that."

Ash looked at her, and she smiled at him with full faith, which made him lift his head a little higher, and stand a little taller. "Yeah. Okay." he said, drawing out the words like they were slowly building and crawling out, "Come home, please?" he asked, looking up at his brother with big eyes full of pleads that no way anyone would ever be able to say no too. Especially Mateo, who looked at his brother like he would go to war for him, and win.

Sure, Ash might make it seem like Lily was the only one that could ever help him, but I can see that his brothers mean just as much to him. Lily might be his savior, but his brothers were his anchors.

Mateo nodded. "Yeah, I'll come home. Do you want me to grab Kirsan too?"

Ash shook his head, leaning more towards Lily, as if he needed to feel her close. "No, he has chess club today. Don't call him."

Lily sighed, poking Ash's check. "Ash, you know he would come for you."

"I know but he has a tournament coming up, and debate club. I don't want to bother him. I'm doing better already, and this is just going to make him worry and make him feel like shit. I'm fine, I promise, don't drag him into this. He didn't even sleep last night because of what happen yesterday. I'm fine, I swear."

Mateo and Lily exchanged a look that clearly said they weren't happy about this but neither pushed him on it. Instead, Lily nodded and turned to lead Ash out the hall, but he paused and turned to me. "Hey, come with us?" he asked, looking me like he was praying I would say yes. I don't know why he needed me, but I knew I wouldn't say no. Not when he looked like it's his final wish before death, or when seconds ago was breaking to pieces in front of me. My heart ached for him, and I knew without a doubt I would go.

It didn't matter that it was in the middle of the day. Or that I had four more classes to go. Ash was my friend. His helped me time and time again. From distracting me from feeling uncomfortable, to making me laugh when I felt like crying. He was there for me, and I would be there for him. I might not be able to do a whole lot, but if somehow my presence help's him, I'll throw away a lot for it.

"Only if you want too." he rushed out, dropping his head, which made Lily slant me a look of disapproval. I realized I hadn't said anything yet, and that's why he thought I didn't want too. But it's not that, actually it's because I'm a little shocked that Ash actually wants me to come. I jumped to my feet. "No, no, I would love to come with you."

Ash lifted his gaze, and it filled with softness that I smiled at as I walked over to Mateo who watched me with a look that could only be read as thank you. I wasn't only going for Ash; I was going for Mateo too. I can tell that he was extremely anxious, and even hurting. He wanted to help him, and just like me, he had no idea how. Ash was his little brother, and beside Aster, he was most protected of him. Now I know why. Now I knew it's because Ash is in misery that no one can take away.

I guess everyone was trying to protect whatever innocence was left in Ash. I doubt there was much, but the tiny bit left, everyone was shielding it as if their lives depended on it.

Lily nudged Ash, starting to lead him out of the building and I walked beside Mateo. He was staring into space as we walked, and I could see his hand's trembling a little, as if he was on the verge of hitting something with all the anger that built in his chest. Catching his hand, I interlocked our hand's before smiling up at him. His snapped his attention over to me, flipping between so many emotions and not being able to settle on one. Finally, he released a heavy breath. "Thank you, love, for staying with him." he said as he caught the door and held it open.

"Of course, I wouldn't have left him."

"I know, love and the feeling is unfamiliar for us."

I creased my brow's. "Kindness?" I asked, confused to what he meant, "Because anyone would have done that." At least I hope so. What kind of person leave someone when they are clearly unwell? A cruel one.

Mateo fished in his pocket. "Kindness. It's not just that, its goodness, its compassion, its all of it. The Ash you usually see, that's a mask. A protection tactic to not allow anyone to see the truth. For some reason, he trusted you and showed you his real face today. Maybe it's because you cared about him, acted like he mattered but he showed you a part of himself no one else sees."

"Do you have a protection tactic, a mask, too?" I asked.

He nodded. "We all do. All my family members. The parts of us you see, that's the once we allow you to see. It might not even be real, all schematics for our own benefit. For our own safety, and sanity."

He sounds so much like Kirsan right now, that I had to look at him to make sure it's really him speaking. His face, it was hardened, and eyes colder and filled of dread and sorrow. What was he mourning? The truth, or the lie? "And you, you show me only the parts you want to? Or the whole truth?"