CHAPTER SONG- Pretty Much, Ryan Caraveo

Walking around the corner, I halted at the end of the hall, eyeing Ash at the garage door. Which wouldn't be odd, if not for his face being pressed into the door, and him bouncing from leg to leg anxiously. I took a step toward him. "Ash!" I hissed, keeping my voice low. I have no idea what's behind that door, and for all I know it could be an intruder. Which would, and wouldn't explain what the fuck he was doing.

At my voice, Ash whipped around. His expression making me almost stumble backwards, as I took in the creased forehead, the glossy eyes, and the tight frown. My chest constricted at the anxiety, the hurt, the fucken frustration bleeding out of him. I could see the bloodshot tears pressing into his hazed over eyes. And it was like a fucken punch to the gut, instantly I marched in his direction. He bowed his head, sucking in a breath that lifted his whole body as I stopped in front of him. Panic soared through my vein's, bleeding in my head, and pinging in my chest.

Suddenly, I couldn't breath as he lifted his head to me, and his pain gloomed eyes struck me, twisting my gut to the point of nausea. A sob hit the back of his throat. "Make them stop." he begged me, "Please, Mateo, make them stop." he whimpered, voice creaking this time and making him drop his head to the ground, again. The words were so burdensome, they were a silent cry that I knew took everything from him.

My mind spun in alarm. "Who Ash?"

I couldn't hear anything behind the door, but my own worry was climbing through the roof now. This was Ash, my baby fucken brother. The one that just last week was doing flips on the trampoline he forced dad to buy him. The same kid that wore snakes around his neck, and joked that they are his playmates. The little kid, who only yesterday ran into my room, excited as fuck about some zombie run he booked tickets too. Whatever the fuck that was, it didn't matter because it made him happy. This desperate look on his face, that hurt in way that raged the storm under my skin, and brought bile to my throat.

Without so much as lifting his head, he whispered like his been screaming raw, "Mom and dad. They are fighting about me, again. Tell them to stop." he gaze shot up, tear's plunging his soft brown eyes, "Please, Mateo. I'm fine. I promise. I don't want them fighting because of me. I promise to do better but I don't want to go to therapy or take the pills. I don't like them. They made me feel so fucken—."

I jolted forward, grabbing him by the shoulders and dragging into my hold. "Ash." I groan, my own words catching the back of my throat as they felt like glass shards," It's okay." I whispered, holding him so tight. He might be my size, but it didn't matter, it didn't, because right now he wasn't my size. Right now, he was the little kid that stood at my bedroom at five years old, and screamed bloody murder at the top of his lungs because I didn't let him have a sleep over in my room.

It broke me into fragments to see him like this, to know his hurting like this. I felt him tremble in my arms, and somehow that made him feel even smaller. "God Ash, no one is going to force you to do, or go anywhere unless you want too." I promised him, chocking on my own words and finding it difficult to reach for more.

He took a breath, fighting back bitter tears, and wrenching sadness in my arms and all I could think was how wrong the world saw us. How fucken clueless they all are about us. They might think that Ash, Kirsan, Maddox, and even I, are hardened to stone and maybe that's because we have mastered the roles. Perfected it to the point that we truly are considered psychopaths. Children of the cruel generation.

We are what we are, and we let them believe that. We live the lie. We pretend it's the truth. And we don't try to correct them because being anything else is dangerous. But how dangerous is it to us? Are we harming ourselves in the process? Because we might be lunatics with wild eyes and you might be afraid to look at us, but we are consumed by a lie, and drowning out the truth. We are lying to ourself, and to the world around us.

They are wrong. They see what they want. They believe what they want. But we aren't hardened. And if they saw us like this, were reminded how young we are, how much we deal with, and how terribly pained we are, maybe then they would fucken recognize how much we are truly fucked. We are only children, and we ourselves have forget that because we grew up before we really knew what it's like to be kids.

Ash, his only a kid. And that thought twisted my gut even more as I tried to swallow away the frustration in me. I want nothing more then to protect him, nothing more then to take away all of his pain. I'll take it, if I could, I would carry his burden because he didn't deserve too. The creaks of his stoned heart were breaking, and he was leaking out. Drop by drop, we all were leaking.

What happens when the last drop is spilt? When there's nothing left?

With his arm's holding me so tightly that it felt like he was gripping for his own sanity, he tried to, again, convince me of how fine he was, and again, I didn't believe a single word he spoke. He wasn't fine. None of us were. And I didn't let go of him, I wouldn't forever if that were a choose. Instead, I held him tighter, stronger, and closer because that was my responsibility. I was the one that should care the burden, not him, not any of them. I was born for this, bread and raised for this. It should be me. It will be me. And if I could tear apart this kid's mind, and find what's hurting him, I would drag it out and scorch it to oblivion.

Only I can't, and that hurt's to the point of breakage. Swallowing the exasperation lump in my throat, I hugged him harder. "I'll take care of it, Ash. I will. How about you go see Lil's?" I told him, because she could help. Whatever was hurting him, she has him. Fuck, we all do but everyone knows that Lily has Ash. Since day one, she was his savior.

He nodded, holding onto me for a few more second, gathering himself together before using brittle effort to unpeeled himself. I almost wished I could snatch him back, wrap my arms around him, and never let him go. But I can't. And Instead, I watched him press his knuckles to his eyes and take a few breaths to cool the heat in his body. He looked up at me, about to say something when Kirsan came around the corner. "What's going on?" he asked, walking closer.

Ash reached up, wiping the lone tear that rolled down his face in agony. "Nothing." he mumbled, as I fisted my hands in to my pocket, wanting to punch something. Wanting to feel the crunch of something under my touch. Wall. Bone. Skulls. Anything to tear apart my own skin so that I could feel something other then this miserable feeling inside me.

Dropping his arms, Ash looked towards Kirsan and with large eyes that were still misted over, said, "I'm fine." Again.

Who was he trying to convince?

Neither of us believed him, because both of us heard the way his voice splintered under those words, and graving sadness cried out. Both of us could see the hunted look in his eyes, and the heavy emotion fitted across his face. It made Kirsan lung forward at the speed of light and grab him. Like me, he had a special place in his heart for Ash, and he was probably the only one that understood how much I'm hurting right now.

Dragging Ash into himself, he held onto him like he wished he could wipe his mind of the pain. And Ash, he slumped in our brother's embrace, needing someone to hold him. Needing someone to take all the weight of his shoulder's because I'm convinced it was crushing him to the point that he couldn't keep it up anymore.

Kirsan's normally impassive face shinned with a mixture of disapproval, and weary sadness. His eyes widened and rimmed with tears as he held our little brother in his arms. "We are human, Ash. We are never okay. Our mental health is always tipping between good and bad. It hurt's, Ash, but I promise it will pass too. Just hold on brother, please."

This will affect Kirsan too, badly. He won't be sleeping tonight, or tomorrow. He won't be himself for the next few days. He will need time, and space. And yet, knowing all this, he held onto our brother not caring about how much this will scar him. He was smart, too smart and emotions were a weakness to him, but he felt them. For Ash, he felt the pitiful agony, and the mental deprivation.

Looking over at me, agitation lining his dark roast coffee eyes. "Someone tell me what's fucken going on." he demanded.

This was torment in all it's glory. And lifting my hand to my hair, I tugged at it, hard, as if that would take away the hell I'm currently standing. All I want is for Ash to be okay, please, just be okay. And as I looked at my brother and said, "Parent's are fighting about him again, about his mental health." I could see Kirsan wished the same. Looking at Ash, I wondered how far he was as he buried his head in Kirsan shoulder and just stood there, breathing unsteadily. They say you never know what's going on in someone mind, how far they really are. I wonder if Ash can even see the surface anymore.

One thing was clear, by the anguish on Kirsan's face, he wished he could destroy, neutralize, and demolish something with his bare hands, just like me. Both of us knowing that it still wouldn't do much, that we still can't fight the one thing we wish we could. Ash's real pain.

Gently, Kirsan pulled Ash backwards, understanding clicking. He regarded our little brother, who couldn't even find the energy to lift his head anyone. "Ash." he said, "You know mom and dad are fine, right?"

"No. They fight because of me." Ash said, torment tearing his words, "I don't want to be the reason they fight. I don't want to be one of those kid's in school that have divorced parents because I know if they get divorced it's going to be because of me. Because they don't think I'm okay." he snapped his head up, determination filling his sore gaze, "I'm okay, Kirsan. I'm doing better."

Watching him, listening to him, it made the twist in my gut worse, and I swore nothing could, only I guess I'm wrong. Watching you little brother try to convince you that his fine, when you both know his lying, I guess that's all it takes for it to get worse. It twisted it so fucken painful that I felt like I needed to bend over and heave. But I didn't. I squared my shoulder backwards, and steeled myself in place, for Ash. I was going to show him how confident we are in him, and Kirsan's look told me he agreed with the decision.

Kirsan sighed. "Ash, they aren't getting a divorce. They aren't even thinking about it. Our parents love each other to length's I will never understand. They don't fight because of you, but because of their worry for you. It's a normal part of parenting, and of families. Parents fight, Ash. Even ours. It doesn't change the commitment they have to each other."

Ash exhaled, his body collapse as if he was waiting for someone to tell him that it's okay for our parents to fight. Hope filled his eyes. "But dad..." he whispered, looking to me for answers, to more reassurance.

Kirsan squeezed his shoulder. "Is strong. The strongest, and so is mom. Together, even trauma and pain can't tear them apart. Ash, our parents have gone through hell together, they have been through suffering that none of us understand. It binded them, made them healthier, and more tougher. You cannot break them; your problems will not break them. Ash, you take care of yourself. That's all you need to do and worry about. Mateo, and I will take care of the rest."

Ash stared at him for a second, processing everything before speaking softly, "But I'm your brother, I'm suppose to help you with everything."

I stepped forward, palming his shoulder. "Ash, you do. You make our lives have fucken joy, and that's not common. Your our mental support, our lift, and our escape from reality. You can't do that when your beating yourself up for everything that's not your fault. We need you, Ash." I felt the air in the back of my throat sour as I practically begged him to understand, "Ash, don't stress about it, everyone is okay. We just need you to be okay too." I finished, watching him lift his head a little higher now.

With one hand, I dialed Lily as Ash nodded. "I'll try harder." he swore, a little bit of confidence starting to waver in now.

I gave him my best smile, even if it felt weak. "We know, bud. We know you will. We are already so fucken proud of you that you have no idea." I told him, bring the phone to my ear.

He nodded, and Kirsan pulled him back into his hold, just keeping him there. All of us wished we could do that, hold him where he would be safe, protected, and happy. I think we all are afraid that he would vanish, and maybe that's why we held him so tight, because we were afraid to let go. It's why we all pay the most attention to him. We were afraid that one day, we would wake up and Ash wouldn't.

The phone clicked in my ear, pausing my thoughts. "Hola, Amigo." Lily answered.

"Where are you?"

"Straight to the point, dang. I'm upstairs."

I hated asking her for help, it made me feel like I was unfitting to help Ash. I knew that for him I had to push that away, because no matter how fucken ashamed I feel that I can't do anything for him, she can. She's what's best for him. "Come to the garage." I said flatly.

She sighed. "Care to tell me why?"

The words tore out of my mouth, painful. "Ash needs you."

I don't know if it was the unsettling tone, or the thorn scratching up my throat but she knew. She knew right away and a second later the phone clicked. Without hesitation, I heard her running through the upstairs, rushing down the stairs, and tearing across the house to us.

That was the thing about Lily, we might fight, and we might never find a level of communication that doesn't involve us arguing, but I never doubted her for a second when it came to Ash. That girl would fly to the moon for him. She would cross oceans to get to him. She would crawl desert for him. She would nail herself to the cross and bleed herself dry for him. That was the only thing we did have in common, the love we shared for Ash. I might find her annoying, and highly nerve wracking, but I'd never doubt her for a second. Ash is Lily's other half, and as much as these pains me to admit, Lily is Ash's. Without acknowledging it, all of us were waiting for the day those two realize that together they made a whole.

I tucked the phone in my pocket, looking up at my brother. "Lily is coming, kid."

Relief settled on his face, and he lifted his shoulder a little higher, pulling himself further to the surface. Pride filled me, and I would have choked on it if it wasn't for Lily flying past me and stopping in front of Ash. Her gaze filled with pure determination, pure alleviation, and pure comprehension. She had full faith in Ash, in the fact that he was going to be fine. With every cell in her body, she believed in Ash.

Kirsan let go of our little brother, and stepped away, letting Bonnie step up to Clyde. She scanned him quickly, before dropping her chin a little. "Ash?" she whispered, so softly that it sounded almost rough coming from her. Lily was anything but soft and watching her melt in front of Ash was unsettling in its own way.

Kiran came over to me, and we both watch Ash lift his gaze up to Lily. The rims of his honey creamed eyes still glistening with left over tears. "Lil's." he breath out, like the word alone can save him. And in a flash, he was in her arms, and she was holding him. With strength of steel, she would protect him. "Tell me what's wrong, Ash. Whose entire family do I have to wipe out?" she question, running her finger's through his hair, "I'll do it, I swear. You'll have to visit me in prison, or I might get the death penalty but I'll do it for you."

Truly, no one understood them. Or, at least I didn't. It's beyond me, what made them choose each other. What they saw in each other that kept them from falling apart. Maybe it's blinding understand, and compassion because for the hell of me I don't understand why Lina stays with me, and yet she does. Despite all my bloody sins, she hold's me just like that. Like she could save me, and she does.

Ash and Lily. Lily and Ash. For as long as I can remember, that's how it was. Before she was even out of diapers, that girl sealed herself into Ash's soul, and made it her own. I never understood it, what made them choose each other, and how they could be that committed to each other. Only now I do. In this second, I finally understood.

Ash felt safe enough to fall apart in her arms.

My brother lifted his head, refueling himself and stepping back with new energy. "I'll tell you later. Distract me." he said, his tone less faded out, and more clear. It hit me then, why Lily. She was his second. Like my mom was for my dad's, his liberation, and freedom, Lily was Ash's.

Lily jetted her chin out. "I have a brilliant idea." she snapped her finger together, misfit circling in her cobalt eyes."Want to go for a ride?" she said, a terrifying grin coming onto her lips.

Beside me, Krisan shook his head. "No cars."

His right. Ash's current state isn't stable enough to be in the proximity of cars. Considering his crashed pretty much all the car's we have aside from my Tesla and my dad's Lambo. That could also be because his not allowed in either of those cars. All the rest? He either stole the key's or used his pretty boy smile to talk his way into getting the keys. Hence, my precise Ducati. That was one hell of a bike, and I thought bike's were safe from Ash, I was a fool for thinking that.

Those oxford blue eyes snapped in our direction. "Did I say cars? Obviously not."

I almost rolled my eyes at her intolerable attitude, but Kirsan just sighed. And I turned to him, leaning into to tell him to tell him go with them, and he nodded in return. Together, they left, leaving me standing in the middle of the hallway with my gut twisted, and my brain scrambled. Now, I had to deal with the rest of the problems. So I took a deep breath, cooling my insides from the raging storm that boiled under my skin and turned for the garage door. Walking through it, I closed it behind me and stood for a second. Fuck. I had to face my parents now.

This is brutal, because they aren't bad parents, in fact they are the best. They went to length for us that some parents never would. With their past's, and flaw's, they did a great fucken job with us. The love, support, and loyally they have given us over the years is unbeatable. They sealed our family with thick love for each other. And for that, I will always cherish my parents, and love them with all my heart. That's why this part was so hard, because I didn't want to hurt them.