CHAPTER SONG, Ocean Eyes Billie Eillish

It took time for me to find the courage to leave his chest. And it's not like anything really bad happened, like Lily said, the crisis has passed. Except the longer I stayed in his arm's, the harder it was to pull myself out. Like a black hole, that you're sinking into. I was in deep, and I just kept letting myself sink further. I shouldn't rely on him this much. I should be able to stand my own ground, and find a way to comfort myself, but I don't. Because I know that there's no way in eon's that I will ever settle myself into a peaceful space, not like he does it. Somehow, I feel like the moment I'm in his arm's, I'm home. Where I belong, where I was also supposed to be. A place I seemed to have been searching for forever. A place I told myself that once I found, I would never leave. So maybe that's why I wasn't trying too.

Finally, after giving myself five seconds, and then another five seconds, I unpeeled myself from him. Cold whooshed onto my skin, like a warning that I'm leaving home and I hated it. Hated how much I have come to love being in his arms, and I knew there's no way anything could ever come close to satisfying me that way again, not like he could. The thoughts was mega scary.

I titled my head up at him, giving up my best smile that seemed to still sting my face. "Thank you." I mumbled breathily.

He regarded me for a second, wary flooding his perfect eyes and creasing his forehead. His grip never letting up, instead he tighten it like he wasn't sure if he was ready to let go, or maybe wanted to just pull me back. A part of me wanted that too. Then, he said, "Are you okay, love?"

I gave my best nod. "I think so." I forced myself to smile because I knew I have to go back out there. Go back to class. Go back to facing people, but I didn't want too. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to see, or talk, or even think about other people. I wanted to be far from this place, so far that I could pretend what happened in this bathroom, didn't. I didn't want to think about how cruel those girl's were too me, all because of who I'm dating. I knew I would never give him up regardless. No chance because his irreplaceable, and hold's all of my heart but it didn't change that it sucked to be bullied.

"That's very unconvincing."

By the second, my face slipped and my smile seemed to just fade. I didn't want to go back, I didn't. Looking up at him, I whispered, "Can you take me home?"

He nodded with no hesitation. "Yeah, love. Let's go."

I exhaled, relief tugging at my chest. I knew I didn't want to go back, and I'm thankful he didn't force me. He didn't push me and say something like, "You need to face the world" or blah, blah. He just supported me, went with what I wanted and never tried to push me out of my corner. I know I should leave this corner, and a part of me knew the moment I finally found the strength to leave, he would be there. Waiting for me, and giving me his hand for support. The thought was encouraging, and made the idea so much less scary.

He led me down the hall, and to his car. Soft music played in the background as we drove, and we didn't talk. I'm sure there's a million thing's I can come up with to say because after all, I never know when to stop talking but yet I found myself just sitting in his peaceful silence. It was comforting, in it's own way. A part of me believed that the silence was always dreadful, and maybe that's because that's what I was use too. At home, silence sucked.

Only, in his car, by side him, I didn't mind it. I enjoyed the way it felt like a soft blanket wrapping around you and cozying me into itself. By the time we were parked outside my house, I was more relaxed. And turning to him, I asked, "Do you want to come inside? If you can't I understand."

He turned off the car. "I can."

Opening his door, he jogged around the car and opened my door before I could grab it. The house was empty, per usual so it didn't really matter if I was home with him. Not like my mom would know. I know she has the door camera on her home, but something tells me she never check's it. Otherwise, she would have questioned the lot's of new people that have been in and out of here. The fact should hurt, and yet I felt numb to it. Actually, I felt a little numb to a lot later. Even walking up the porch, my feet felt like they were dragging behind me. The only way I kept putting one foot in front of the other was because Mateo was holding my hand, and tugging me with him.

By the time we were inside, and I led him up to my room, I felt the anxiety building back because no matter how much I tried, I kept thinking back to the bathroom. Kept thinking back to what the girl's said, and about why me. I don't know why, and that drive absolutely me crazy. Mind spinning crazy.

When we settled on my bed, the question flew out of my mouth, "Why me?"

He turned with confusion pressed into his gaze and regarded me for a moment before reaching over and wrapping his arm around my waist. Gently, he brought me onto his lap, and straddled me to face him. My cheek's were burning up, but I tired not to think about that too much right now, because my question felt like it was burning up more. I needed to know. I needed to understand. I needed reasons. Reasons I could list, and recall back when I doubt myself again. I needed to understand him.

I draped my arm around his shoulder, gazing at him with a million questions. "Why me?" I repeated, "I don't get it, Mateo. Why did you choose me? I'm not like the regular girl's that you usually surround yourself with. I'm not preppy, outgoing, or even half good looking as they are. Those girls in the bathroom, they were your type." I chocked on the fact and flushed. Tears creeped up in my eyes, and I blinked hard against them. But they burned. They burned so bad that I felt the first slip, and trail down my cheek.

He leaned forward, kissing my check, kissing away the tear. Then he moved lower, meeting my lips in a soft kiss that I found myself relaxing into, into him, again. His lips were like ecstasy, and there's no other way to explain the intense high they made me feel. "That's the point, love. Your aren't like them. Your, you. The halo to my horns."

I sighed, dropping my forehead to his and blinked at him. "It makes no sense." I said, voice shaking and threatening to cause me more panic.

"Then let me explain to you. Those girl's, the once before you, I can't even remember their names. Your name, love, has been engraved in my mind since I first laid my eyes on you. From the second you stepped into the locker room, I was fucked. It's utterly pathetic how weak I am when you're in my mind. And Lina, you're always in my mind, always."

He brought me closer, running a finger down my arm, trailing it so softly that I exhaled at it. I loved his touch because it was like he could reach deep into me, and just for a second heal all my wounds. Take all my cuts, and bruises and make them less painful. His touch was the kind I prayed and wished for. The kind that fills my soul and lit it all together. The kind that bring's me back to a world that I never wanted to be in anymore, and yet, under his touch I couldn't think of a single place I rather to be. He set fire to my mind, and I was looking forward to seeing the ashes.

With crisp words, he kept talking, "You, love, are everything. You keep me grounded, and sane. I wouldn't survive without you, like the world without the sun, or humans without water. You are what keep's me here, and not withering away in darkness. You, love, are worth all my time, all my energy, and all of my love. Loving you, has consequences I'm terrified to face, and yet I know your worth it by a million. It's maddening, how much you have me for yourself. How much of myself I'm letting go for you. And yet here I am, falling for you."

I blinked at his confesses, feeling all sorts of emotion's fluttering my stomach. I was so afraid that he was just here for a little while, and I didn't let myself think about the future. But here I am, looking at a man I know I can't go a single day without anymore. If by some chance tomorrow his gone, I'll end up losing a chunk so big of myself, that I don't know If I'll even be a full human after. If anything will be left. He was my everything, and I don't know when it happened, but I did. He helped me move past so much hurt, so much betrayal and proved to me every time that there was more. More to love, more to him, more to this consuming feeling in my chest that was burning though me. He think's he can't live without me, I know I can't without him. Without question.

My throat squeezed against itself. "I love you." I muttered, realizing that I have never said those words and meant them the way I do now. It's as if every time I said it before was only mediocre, and now that it reached the right person, it was a roar.

He inhaled deeply, staring at me with a gaze full of need, desire, and pure love. It made the brown spec in his eye's so light that they looked soft, and weightless. It made the green hue in his eyes come alive and burn intensely. It made the blue tints look like sky's full of stars on midnight. His eyes, they were a straight path into his enlightened soul. It was the most untainted sight I had ever seen. Pure, wholesome, and natural. As if it's been waiting his whole life to finally light itself up.

Words so soft they wrapped around me, he said, "I fell for you and didn't even realize, love. I fell for you, and I'm falling more every day. Promise to catch me? Because I'm terrified of the destruction."

My head bounced in a nod, the air in my lung's sticky, and heavy. "I'll always catch you. I'll always come for you. I'll always find you."

He sucked in a breath that felt like it stole something from this earth. "I love you, Lina."

I leaned down, meeting his lips and it was like for the first time, he was the one to let up. The one to fall apart. The one to let go of everything and let me hold him. As if for so long he kept himself together by glue and sticks, and now he was finally letting someone hold him. His body coil forward, into me, and into my arms. His shoulder's fall, and his eye's shut. His lip's moved softly against mine, savoring every second of this moment he was allowing himself. Every second of this moment he needed.

For the first time, he let someone take some of his weight. For real this time, not halfway, no pretend, and no faking. He let me feel him falling apart in my arms and believed I would be able to hold him. I knew I would. I'll always hold him, even if it's going to be the death of me. Even if I get crushed under the weight, I'll fight every second to reach for him.

For some time, we stayed like that. In each other's arms, in each other's holds because we needed it. Expect the longer I stayed here, the more I needed more. It was a desire burning in my belly like it never has before. I never wanted someone, as much as I wanted him. Pulling back, I whispered, "Mateo."

His gaze hooded, and heavy. "Yes, love?"

I sucked in a breath that hit the back of my throat, making it raw and sore. I have never had to ask, was never given the choice really. But he always gave me a choice. Always let me come to terms on my own and prepare for them, and never pulled further till I was ready. My cheeks flushed as I started talking again, "I want to feel you, everywhere." I said, words so meek I wonder if he heard me.

His reaction was enough to know he did. His chest lifted up, and his jaw slammed shut, razoring into hard edges. His eyes hooded more, heavy and full of desire that looked like it was burning through him with golden power. Expect he didn't respond and I panicked. Before I know what I was doing, I was babbling, "Only if you want too, if you don't, I understand. But if you want it, I— uh—I want it. I want you. Just be patient with me. I'm not as experienced as you. I'm not a virgin or anything but the sex I have had was vanilla—" I cringed at the word, hating the taste of it in my mouth but kept going, "compared to what I assume you have had. Just go slow, and teach me."

His gaze harder further, and burned straight into me. Under my skin, it was like a intense sensation that felt like it was trying to rip through my whole body. He licked his lips, still watching me and slowly drew out, "Vanilla?"

I nodded, lost for words at this point. I can't imagine what kind of things he likes. No judgment because everyone has the right to like their own things but I haven't experienced much. I'm welling to learn, for this man. A little bit for me, because if we are being honestly, I'm curious. And suddenly, I found more words, "Teach me to satisfy you."

He inhaled sharply, squeezing his eyes shut. "Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack? My pulse is spiraling. Have some mercy on me, love."

I blinked at him, even more confused. Panic creeped up, pressing into my stomach as I stared at him, hoping to find my answers and coming up empty. He must have noticed my wariness because he stared talking, "I don't know what your little mind has come up with but I won't hurt you, love. You'll always be safe with me. Find a safe word."

My breath collapsed. "I'll need one?"

I wish I could say I was afraid, and maybe I should be but all I felt was arousal and excitement. I wanted to know what he could do, what he could make me feel and how that would turn my world upside down. Because if I have learned anything it's that this man doesn't stop at a half points, he goes all the way and I'm desperate to find out where that end point is.

He leaned forward, kissing the soft curve of my shoulder. "You might. It's best to have it, and if at any point you say it, everything stops. You aren't comfortable, we stop. You don't like something, we stop." he explained.

"Just like that?" I breath out, realizing his makes everything simple.

"Just like that." he confirmed, his fingers digging into my hips, and lips trailing up my neck.

I gulp down air. "What if....what if I don't like something you like. What if I can't keep up with you. What if I can't handle everything. What if —," I don't know what everything is but I had a feeling it's going to be intense.

Firmly, he gripped my chin between his fingers, as he trailed kisses on my jaw. "Take a breather, love, and start with a safe word." he commanded in a low tone that sparked heat in my body.

I nodded, feeling myself start to get wet and ache for him in ways I didn't know existed. "Okay, Carrots." I replied.

His lips curved up. "Carrots." he repeated after me, leaving a kiss on the side of my neck where my pulse hammered. I still had so much questions and as I opened my mouth to ask them all but he stopped me, by sliding his thumb right into my parted mouth, and pressed it to my lips. "Be a good girl, and give yourself a second. Close that little mouth, and settle down."

Oh, oh. Oh. I remember wondering what it would be like to have his finger in my mouth and now, whoa. Thick, rough, and tasty. He tasted like sandalwood, and I never thought I would like the flavor but here I was, craving it. I have my answer, and all of sudden I have this urge to write it down somewhere, the taste of him. Had this lyrics in my mind, and notes already humming to match them.

I inhaled, closing my lips around this thumb, my tongue swirl around it, and he watched me. Deep ocean eyes, flooding and spilling over in desire as they darkened. His voice smooth as silk and deep as the sea, he started talking again, "What I like is you. If you choose not to like something, I'm okay with that. I might like a lot of things, but I love you more. We'll go slow, love. At any point you want to stop, what do you say?"

"Carrots." I whispered around his thumb, my voice meek, and running in need.

He moved swiftly and the next thing I know, I'm laying flat on the bed and his running his hand down my side, lips pressing into my collar bone. My breath hitch at the back of my throat as I tried to grasp onto it. Oh god, this was happening and I found myself wet just at the thought. My core tightened almost painfully as he worked himself down my body, trailing kissing like he was memorizing me.

Lifting my shirt, he kissed my stomach, and my body lifted up, excited. His lips curved up. "So responsive. You keep that up and you'll be playing with fire." he mumbled, going higher and higher, as his hand tucked under my body, and unclipped my bra. It loosened around my body, and he tugged it down, reviling my hard nipples. Leaning down, he flicked his tongue against it, making me gasp in pleasure. Oh lord, you hear me? I would saying something right now, but my mind has perished into ash.

His lips covered my nipple, sucking and licking on it as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to just breath. I could feel his hot gaze starting up at me but all I could think was this was barely anything, and yet I felt like I was about to fall over and die in pleasure.

His hands roamed my body, exploding and memorizing every inch. So warm, and callused that they left friction everywhere, a feeling so deep that it built the need in my core. Pulling back, he pressed a kiss to my lips making my eyes fly open. Lower, he unbuckled my jeans and tugged at them as I lifted my hips to help him. And I lifted my hands, running them down his shoulder. "Will you teach me?" I asked, worried I might not be able to actually get him satisfied. A part of me feared that the most. Feared he might get bored, or annoyed or just plain tired of me. Because again, I wouldn't be enough. I'm never enough.

His lips curved. "I will, love. But right now, I'm going to do what I want, and you're going to lay back and enjoy every second of it."

He moved, sliding down but I caught his shoulders, panic tugging at me. "What if I don't taste good? What if—"

He dug his fingers into my hip. "I'll do what I want, and what are you going to do?" he asked, demand darkening his voice as he started at me for an answer.

I gulped down, mouth dry and heavy. "Enjoy it." I whispered, relaxing into the bed as he tugged my pants off fully, followed by my shirt, and leaving me practically naked and exposed. A feeling that made me shiver, and ache even more. His gaze racked my body, intaking all of me like he was blind for years, and was finally seeing for the first time. He made me feel beautiful in my own skin, secure, and brave. He made me feel like I mattered, and I was cared for.

I watched him tug his shirt off, and I took that moment to admire his build. The lean, strong curve of every muscle on his chest. The abs that looked like they could actually cut you, and the bulge of his biceps. On his left side, the sparrow flew. With its wing's pulled out wide, and powerful, it soared. On his left forearm, four dragons were tattooed, and flying upwards. Higher, and higher, they flew after their leader. Who had his wing's stretched far, and led the pack behind him, while covering them from any danger.