Chapter Song - Pieces - AVAION

"Let's think about this logically."

I snorted, watching Madd's balance his laptop on his lap as he sits on the edge of my windowsill. It's only five, which means I have about an hour before meeting Lina. Till then, I'm hanging out with Maddox. My lips tilt up. "Logically? You're the one that brought the idea to me."

He shot me a look. "Beside the point. Do you know how much trouble we are going to get ourselves in for doing this? Mateo, I rather deal with breaking people's bones, or getting mine broken for that matter then having my mom look at me like I am making her buy a coffin to bury myself in. As if I bought the grave plot already."

I grinned, trying not to laugh. "Then let's not do it." I shrugged. I wanted to do it, just putting it out there.

He shook his head, swinging one of his legs and making it hit the side of the house. "No. It's fifteen feet higher than our last one." he looked towards me, wide eyed, "Fifteen." he repeated slower this time, as if I didn't hear him the first time.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Then stop bitching."

Ten minutes ago, Maddox climbed up into my room before announcing that this Saturday we are climbing a cell tower he saw on his last drive with his dad. Apparently, we missed it somehow when we were making the list and since our list has grown way to small, and we have basically run out of cell tower to climb for the first time, this was big news. Now, his trying to convince himself to actually do it, because I needed no convincing.

His mom being his biggest reason not to climb it. Not my dad. Not his dad. Not even the possibly of death. No, his biggest reason was the lady next door who raised goat's and did yoga with them on Saturdays. My biggest reason would totally be his dad. That man, and his eyes. A shiver alone ran through my spine at the thought. Still going to do it though, no questions.

He started typing on his laptop again. "I'm not bitching, I'm thinking about it logically." he announced making me laugh. There was absolutely no logical in any of this. This was pure want. Pure fun. Logical flew out the window on the day we decide that climbing cell towers was what we wanted too to do. "Sure man, logic." I nodded along, getting a sharp look back.

"ASH!"

I snapped my attention towards my door, and stared it. "ASH!" Kirsan yelled from somewhere behind the door. My stomach dropped a little as I heard the rush of his footsteps. In one quick movement I was off the bed just as my bedroom door flew open. "ASH!" He yelled again, scanning the room with a hint of panic behind his usual bare eyes. They were hardened now, deeper even to the point that they were almost dark chocolate.

I started walking at him. "What's wrong?" I asked, eyeing him cautiously. Maddox was already climbing off the ledge and walking in our direction because Kirsan wasn't one to panic, usually. He was the one that used all that logical, and realism bullshit. The calm one of us. The one that kept his emotions locked so fucken far that sometimes we questioned if he even had them. The one you could know on a personal level for years, and still know absolutely nothing about. Kirsan was enigmatic.

When Kirsan panicked, we all did. When he screamed your little brother's name, well that got your heart running and blood boiling.

He didn't response to my question, instead he tossed his phone at me that I caught before he turned around and booked it out the door. "ASH!" he yelled again, running down the hall. I glanced down at the phone, reading the text that came from Ash.

When committing suicide and hanging yourself, does that hurt? Like the whole neck snappy snap thing, do you feel that for a few seconds? Or what? Quick replies, brother! Quick.

My chest tightened as I reread the text again. In the back of my mind, I understand Ash isn't suicidal, but it didn't stop my mind from spinning. I understand Ash has his highs and lows. On most day's Ash lives in the highs. Like a bouncy ball that never stops bouncing. His happy, bubbly, and a fucken goon. But, eventually everyone comes off the high, even Ash.

Ash doesn't slide off his high, he crashes. He slams into the low. We call them mental days, and they are gut-wrenching. He doesn't leave his bedroom, or his bed for the matter. It doesn't usually last more then a day, and only Lily can ever get him out of bed. Then, like everything else Ash does, he bounces back into the high. But those low's, they are brutal for him. I have seen him stare blankly into the ceiling for hours, and I have no idea what goes on in his head. Nothing good, nothing even remotely happy. I have sat the edge of his bed multiple times, for endless hours, scared of out my god damn mind. His my little brother and seeing him like that is just wreaking.

Kirsan's reaction is valid, because with Ash you never know when he comes off the high. It's never noticeable. One moment his hopping on the couch, yelling about panda's going extinct and the next he gone. It happens in the blink of an eyes, and it's dreadful to watch.

I swung my head towards Maddox, who was standing right behind me reading the text over my shoulder. "Get Lily." I commanded, my voice icing over. I didn't wait for a response, I ran out the door after Kirsan, yelling Ash's name. His bedroom door was already open, and I ran through it, swinging around the corner and running past his closet, before coming to a halt behind Kirsan who was banging on the bathroom door. "Get the fuck out of here, Ash!" he yelled.

From behind the door Ash snapped back, "Dude what? I'm about to shower."

Kirsan hammered his knuckles into the door. "I don't give a fuck! Open the door, right now."

I hammed my own fist against the door. "Or I'll break it!" I added in.

Maddox ran up behind me. "She's coming." he announced, coming to a halt by Kirsan who yelled at the door again, "ASH I SWEAR ON EVERY FUCKEN RACECARE IN THE GARAGE I WILL SLASH ALL THE FUCKEN TIRES IF YOU DON'T COME OUT."

The shower turned off behind the door, and I took a breath, feeling how labored it was. Because even I, who knew Ash was fine behind that door because he was talking, was petrified. He didn't want medication, or therapy, no matter how many times our parents suggested it. And at the end of the day, they didn't push him either because they gave him a choose. We always had a choose. Wrong or right, our parents always had ours backs. They let us make our own mistakes, and when we were on the ground drowning under those mistakes they were always there to pick us up. It didn't change that right now, in the back of my mind, fear was present and chocking me.

I heard him moving around behind the door. "I'm coming! Fucken hell. Let me put on some short on. I can't have my willy hanging out..." he swung the door open, slowing down his words as he took all of us in, "....I'm not five anymore." he finished, eyeing all three of us. All three possibly red faced and staring at him like he grew four heads.

Kirsan pushed past him into the bathroom, probably to check for anything suspicious and I dug the phone out of my pocket. Ash narrowed his gaze at Kirsan with confusion. "Excuse-A-Fucken-You?" he called, turning to me for answers. Instead, I raised the phone too him. "Explain." I ordered, scanning him head to toe. Nothing. He was fine. Only then did I feel the collapse of my chest.

Ash narrowed his eyes at the phone, reading it before his face lit in understand and he spun to Kirsan. "Seriously? You ratted on me over a question? I was wondering why it was taking you so long to answer. Where is your loyalty?"

Kirsan swung the door open, coming back out and gave me a sharp nod that the area was clear. His grave like eyes's coming undone before me and only Ash couldn't see that, and that's why he rolled his eyes. "The fuck did you think I was doing in there? Hanging myself by the neck. That's low man, low." he whistled.

"Ash." I spoke, leveling my voice out.

He rolled his eyes, again, leaning back on the counter by the door. "It's a fucken question." he shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal.

Kirsan narrowed his glare so hard at Ash that even he straightened a little off the counter with discomfort because it's not like Kirsan didn't know how to cut you with a look. He did. It's in all of our blood to be able to tear down people with looks. But Kirsan just preferred to do it with his mind, his words. Expect I know Kirsan, like I know Ash, like I know myself and Maddox. Since childhood, Kirsan had token it upon himself to look after Ash. It's harder on him, and takes pieces away from him. At least that's how he explained it. Caring about someone, to him, is like pulling pieces of himself out and replacing them with the people he cares about. He say's he loses himself, little by little, the more he cares. That's why he chooses to shut off the emotions, say's it's safer for him that way. But when it came to Ash, he was his weakness, his kryptonite. For Ash, Kirsan would pluck every last piece of himself away and let Ash take over.

When Ash isn't doing well, Kirsan's right beside him, in his own way suffering. Like now, when I know it's taking all of his strength to keep himself from get overwhelmed. He eyed Ash. "Why do you need to know?" he asked, low and slow like he was using the last bit of his energy. No doubt, his going to dad after this. Dad always know's how to calm him.

The fucken jokester Ash is, he stood up straight, put his hand to his chest, clearing his throat and said, "Logically this is a valid question I should have an answer too. If, in the possible future I come into a situation with something of this sort I will have the understanding of the topic. As for the lives we are living, this information can come in handy."

From behind us Lily walked in. "Is that a Kirsan imitation you just try to do?" she asked, and I turned my head over my shoulder, watching her stroll through his room in a long white shirt that looked like a dress, and a black leather jacket on top. She kicked Ash's short's that laid on the floor with her white boots and pushed her black sunglasses to the top of her head. I narrowed my glare at her because I swear, she could make the prime minister feel underdressed at a fucken gala.

Ash leaned past Kirsan. "How did I do?"

She walked past his closet, coming to a halt and stared at it with widened eyes before taking a sharp inhale. I know it was the mess that bothered her, deeply. Lily was a little bit of a clean freak, at least when it came to clothing. The girl's closet was sparkling clean. I'll bet all the spiders and bug's are fucken terrified of her witch ass and that's why they never go in there. Same little guys, same.

She turned back to Ash and started walking again. "We are talking about that fucked up closet after whatever this is." she said, throwing her manicured finger behind herself at the closet, "As for the imitation, you almost nailed it." she grinned, giving him a thumbs up and stopping beside Madd's. He looked her over, and swung his arm over he shoulder. She sighed beside him, "Am I suppose to hold you as if your the weight of a fly?"

Maddox pretended to be offended. "I know I ate a few cookies this morning, Lilith, but you don't have to point that out. It's hurtful."

She rolled her eyes at him, but they softened also. Turning pale blue like cloudless sky's. "Honestly, Maddox, the cookies weren't the problem."

He tipped his head. "Was it the waffles? Or the pancakes?"

"It was the fact that you stole my breakfast because yours wasn't enough." she scowled up at him.

I groaned, sensing this conversation not ending any time soon unless it's stopped. "Maddox, focus." I clipped. Which only made Lily glare at me like I tore her favorite shirt or something. What-fucken-ever. I'm not dealing with her attitude right now.

By the door, Kirsan narrowed his glare, shotting both Ash and Lily with it as if he could cut them with it. I think he even wished he could right now. Then he sighed, running his hand through his fluffy hair in frustration. "Ash explain your fucken self, right now."

He was losing his patience, I can see by the tick of his jaw, and the shallow breath's the were barely flooding his lungs. I turned, tossing the phone to Lily before walking over to Kirsan and halting in front of him. "Take a breather. Look at him, his fine. " I said, calmly. His hardened eyes shifted to me, deep frustration flooring them, and tipping him over the edge of losing himself to the oversized squeeze in his chest. I know it's the locked door, and the seconds of panic before it open that stole something from him, stole his pieces.

Ash huffed. "Clearly." he muttered, and I shot him a look that said to shut up.

Kirsan clenched his jaw, interlocking his hand's on his head and nodded, "I'm fine." he said, keeping his gaze locked in me with. I nodded slowly, resting a palm on his shoulder and giving him a second to gather himself.

From the wall that Maddox occupied, Lily finally spoke up, looking directly at Kirsan, "So?"

His gaze cut too her, and I stepped back to give him space. "So what?" he clipped at her, tripping over the guitar as he tried to take another step away from the bathroom door, away from Ash, away from me, away from everything.

She turned the phone at him. "Does it hurt?"

Kirsan kicked the soccer ball away from the guitar that he just tripped over and looked up at Lily, narrowing his dull stare at her. He blinked at her like she was fucken crazy, and maybe she was. They both were but she just smiled back at him, and stopped the soccer ball that was rolling at her with the tip of her white boot.

After another second Kirsan sighed heavily and dropped his head to the ground, squaring his shoulder's. He replied with a tone so cold that I could hear the echo of void settling in it. "No. It's a quick death. You lose consciousness pretty fast and it's the most used method of suicide. If using the right ropes, and padding method, the process can be pretty much painless. Within a few seconds, you feel a pressure in your head, and a rushing sensation before everything goes dark. Some people say it's not as much as painful, as it is suffering in the situation. According to research, people usually choose between hanging themselves, or overdosing on pills."

What. The. Fuck.

Again. What. The. Fuck.

Should I repeat that again?

One more time for good measure.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I blinked at him. Maddox blinked at him. Ash blinked at him. Lily blinked at him.

For a long moment, everyone just stood there blinking at the guy who knew some random fucken information. Then, Lily shrugged as if it was completely normal and I guess in this fucken household it was. We have seen worse, dealt with much fucken weirder things.

She looked past us to Ash. "Good to know. As for Ash wanting to know, it's the podcast's, isn't it?" she asked, directing her question at him and he nodded, picking up the guitar off the ground and putting it on the rack beside the wall.

She grinned to herself. "Knew it. His had a lot of wired questions. His listening to some podcast about all the common thing's being used in life. The most common food eaten, the most common sport being played, the most common degree being studies. I'm assuming today's topic was the most common suicide used?"

Ash nodded, again. I would say what the fuck again but at this point I'm not even surprised by anything Ash does. You can never keep up with him, or his wild mind. There's no point of even trying, its exhausting, I promise. The best you can do is support him, and trust me, we all do.

I turned to look at him. "When was the last mental day?"

He shrugged. "I don't know three weeks' ago or so. Dude I'm fine, it was a fucken question that you all blew it way out of this world."

"It was fourteen days ago." Lily added in, turning back to the closet and strolling into it. A second later she was out of sight, but not out of hearing. "Ash what the actual fuck is going on in here?"

Ash groaned, marching past us in nothing but boxers and stopping at the door of the closet. "There's literally nothing in there to wear."

Lily gasped as if he just killed her first born or something and said, "Nothing to wear? I bought half of this closet with you, there is something to wear. Don't fucken ever repeat those words again. You could have just fucken called instead of doing all this. Plus, where are you even going anyways?"

I sighed, close to losing my own patience with those two. I glanced at Kirsan, who was already making his way for the door, away from here. Turning to Madd's, I told him its time to go. I could already feel my skin starting to crawl with those serpents being in my radius. Whatever this bizarre conversation was, it's over. Ash and Lily have moved on, and thats the end.

As we walked for the door, I stayed closer to the wall, and Maddox walked on the side of the snakes. He didn't mind them. I wouldn't say he was a fan, but they didn't have the same effect on him as they did on me. I glanced at Ash and Lily arguing in the closet as we walked past them.

"A party, you didn't get the text I sent you?"

"You didn't send me a text.

"Did too. Wait... Actually, your right. I got distracted texting Kirsan."

Maddox closed the door behind us, and the last thing I heard was, "I'm not wearing silk Lil's, that was so—"

The end. Whatever fucken conversation that was too, the end. Those two were a different breed of lunatics that I had no plan to get into the middle off. Nope.

By the time we got back to my room, I was already running late. Leaving Maddox on my bed with a laptop on his lap, I jogged downstairs to the study. I needed to check on Kirsan before I left. Knocking on the door, I pushed it open to find him sitting behind my dad's desk, staring at a active chess-board.

I didn't step into the room, it was his. His space, and we all respected that. From the desk, he rolled his gaze up at me, still to close to tearing apart, and to close to losing part's of his sanity. His hand's interlocked in front of him as he rilled himself back together. This wasn't that bad of a situation but for him it was. Where a normal person could deal with the fear, panic, and worry in them, he didn't process it that way. It was all consuming for him, like a solid wall was growing in front of him, blocking him away from the other side were calmness laid, and the harder he climbed, the taller it got.

I cleared my throat. "You okay?"

"Does it matter?"

I leaned on the door frame. "It does."

He nodded, before rubbing his thumb on his palm, anxiously. I know all his ticks. "Then no. I'm trying to calm down, but the irrational beat in my chest won't slow down."

"Your heart, you mean?"

He slanted me a look. "My pulse. Your pulse, it makes your heart beat."

I wanted to roll my eyes at him, but kept myself blank of emotion. I wasn't going to add onto his list of frustration. "His fine, you saw him."