CHAPTER SONG - Can't Love Without, Hollyn

I stood in front of the door anxiously. All of a sudden feeling like a small boy. The one that woke up in the middle of the night and ran to his moms room. The one that cried and needed a hug. The one that knew that when his dad held him, he was safe. That little boy's dad was a giant back then, and he couldn't imagine anyone ever being bigger, now he was about his size.

I don't remember the last time I felt so fucken small. Probably around the time I leaned I needed to grow up. I needed to learn to dry my own tears and to not want hugs at minor problems. I dragged that little boy so deep into myself that at some point he disappeared. He vanished out of me, and I really thought he was gone, forever. Standing in front of this door is the first time I felt him, and his still fucken crying. That little boy still believes in hope, in forgiveness, in kindness, and even love. That little boy is a fool that I hated knowing I'm going to need.

"Come in." My mom called from the other side. I took a deep breath that flooded my lungs and grabbed the handle to open the door. The little boy in my chest winced, and I hesitated for a second. He forgot what this room meant, he forgot that it was a safe space. It's been to long for him and I wanted him gone again. That little boy view the world through wide eyed full of awe but the world was nothing but ashes. I don't know how to keep that little boy under control, his been caged to long. That little boy was one in the same with the soul that I locked up. Until last night. Until she opened his cell and he ran out. But in the corner his being watched by my darkly guarded beast. One wrong move, just one and my protector would lock him back up.

Shoving aside the weakened little piece inside me, I pushed the door open and strolled into my parents room. My dad wasn't home yet, and my mom was curled up in her huge egg chair that sat beside the window, reading. She looked so small in it, like it was swallowing her whole as she sat there wrapped in a big blanket. Her auburn hair still curled from the day, and sitting right below her shoulders. No doubt she would cut it soon. I don't think I have ever seen my mom with long hair, I don't think my dad has either.

She smiled at me, watching me walk over to the bed and hopping into the edge of it. "Hi mom." I grinned at her, feeling the magic of this room starting its job. The little boy was remembering it too, and starting to bounce on the heel's of his feet with excitement. For as long as I can remember this room was a safe haven, a happy space, and we all knew walking into this room there was going to be nothing but love in it. Sometimes, when thing's start to feel like they are trying to bury us alive, my brother's and I find ourselves sitting in the doorway of this room, watching our parents dance like the hateful world is disappearing away. Like nothing but that moment matters to them. Nothing but each other matter.

My mom tucked her book beside herself and straightened up in the chair. She still looked so tiny compared to that giant chair as her smile grew wider, "Hey, how's my not so baby?"

I chuckled. "Liven his best life."

"Will your not cut, bruised, or bleeding out so that's a plus."

I left my shirt, showing her the faint bruise on my hip that happened while Maddox and I trained. "This a minus?"

She shook her head at me. "You know, I'm thankful we have a on-call doctor because if I started taking you three to the hospital every-time you hurt yourself I'm sure CPS would be knocking on our doors."

I laughed because that was a whole fact in itself. Most of us had scars for days. "Everything ok?" she eyed me, the little bit of worry pinching around her eyes and I nodded quickly. "Everything is fine, just wanted to talk to you."

She placed her arms over her knees that she had pulled to her chest and spun her wedding ring. "Everyone is fine? You? Your bothers, sister? Your dad?"

I pushed off my shoes. "If I say it five more times will it help you believe it?" I asked, as I dragging myself more backwards onto the bed until I was stretched out wide on my parent's bed.

She watched me. "Doubt it. I have heard you say it a million times, and yet every time one of you leaves the house, my nerves kick up. Really, if I have a heart attack, it will be your brothers, or dads faults."

"Dads for sure." I nodded, "You raised angels." I smirked, making her laugh. My mom was a psychologist, and she worked with aunt Nora in her office. Half the time she spend there, and the other time she spend in her book-store. If anyone can help me find a way to help Lina, it would be my mom. Plus, she was the only one I trusted with something like this. This whole situation was eating me alive, burning my insides, and shredded me to pieces. I don't usually ask for help, a part of me to proud too but for Lina, I would push past it.

Last night, she told me she wasn't sleep and I don't think she meant to tell me but her exhaustion took over and the words tumbled out of her pretty mouth. The fact shook my to the core. Maybe because that was the moment she opened the cage of the little boy, or maybe because I realized it was because only that little boy could help her. My protector, or my darkness, my emptiness wouldn't be helpful when it came to Lina. She needed the little boy but the problem was, I don't even know that little boy anymore.

I didn't know what to do when she confessed, I just sat there watching her. Letting her sleep on me because I couldn't bear the thought of moving. The movie ended, hours went by and it wasn't until Kirsan called me to say he was here to pick me up did I find the courage to finally move. I carried her up to her room, tucked her into bed and left her there. I might have walked out of that room, but some part of me stayed there. A part that belonged to her now.

I can't not do anything. Not anymore. The little boy wouldn't allowed that. He was already making plans, mapping out idea's. I cared about her, no matter how scary that sounded to me, I cared. The problem was when I cared about someone, I really cared. Her problems are mine, her worries, stresses, heartbreaks, they all affect me too now. I have no clue where this is going, how this well end but I was just letting it sway me. Being around her felt like sitting up on those towers and swaying with the wind.

I care enough to ask my mom's advice on how to help her. That's why I was here, acting like a pathetic scared lunatic because despite what I know I should do, this isn't easy for me. This isn't who I am, or at least not who I thought I was.

I cleared my throat. "I wanted to ask for some advice." I explain, watching my mom's face for a reaction but she was good. She was too good at keeping her face clear of any emotion for me to see anything. My dad said is was one of the many thing's that caught my father attention. "Ask away." She nodded, telling me to continue in that small gesture.

I pressed my lips together, gathering courage to start talking. But it wasn't me who spoke, it was the little boy. "Have you ever dealt with someone who has social anxiety? On top of other things."

My mom thought about it for a second, spinning her wedding ring on her finger before speaking, "Why do you think its social anxiety? And what other things?"

It could very well not be, I didn't have my mom's skills to diagnose her. The fact that she even needs a diagnoses worries me. Shakes me to the core of my bean and the little boy winces softly, coving his eyes with his hands. Even the darkness in the corner that always protected me, now want's to protect her too. "I just assumed, it was the closest diagnose I could think of. This person—" I paused for a second, wanting to say her name but keeping it to myself, "—-has problem's with strangers, with attention, with crowds, with people in general."

My mom nodded, absorbing the information. "Tell me a little about this person. About why you think they have problem's with all those things. Mention the other things too please."

I moved my gaze to the ceiling, pressing my head into the many pillows. They really slept with a good ten pillow's and I always thought it was kind of to much, but now I'm wondering if I should add a few to my own bed. This was really dang comfortable. And I was stalling I know. Take a breath, I started talking before I could think to much about it. "She's so happy, all the time. This girl is always smiling and I swear there no way for you not to smile when she looks at you like that. When she get's excited she bounced around, and the littlest thing excite her. Fuck, I'm convinced that she was meant to be a Christmas elf or something. But that all disappears when any kind of attention is put on her." I sighed, feeling annoyed all over again. "In the cafeteria for explain, when Ash being Ash jumped onto the table, she looked like she was ready to hide under the table. She slid down in the chair to the point that half her body was already under the table and she looked like she was about to cry. It took her time to recover from that, she spoke less, smiled less and when she did she was quite, nervous and jumpy."

I inhaled a deep breath, feeling the stinging in my chest starting to bite again. "We walk her to class because of her ex boyfriend, and I can tell that the stares she get's make her panic and uncomfortable. A few day's ago, we had a situation..." The memory alone felt like a fucken bat to the chest, "...She was almost hurt, and she had a panic attack. She couldn't breath, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything mom." my voice creaked, scratching at the back of my throat, "She just stood there, crying and panicking and I didn't know what to do." I paused, inhaling again deeply even if it didn't seem to help. Her tear filled oak eye's haunting me, and making me want to beat a punching bag.

"What did you do?" my mom asked, the steadiness in her voice giving me a little bit of comfort to keep going. "I held her, for a while. She seemed to start doing better but then I had to deal with her ex and had Kirsan help. When I came back she was pretty much about to have another panic attack."

The ceiling, light grey ceiling had so many shapes that I found myself focusing on them more then on my mom. Maybe it was easiest this way, I don't know, but I know I kept talking. "She has past trauma. She was almost—" I clenched my jaw, stopping myself from saying it out loud and shoved it back on. I can't say it. I can't. It would ripe me apart.

My mom must have understood because she nodded, "Okay, I got it. What else?"

I thought back to yesterday, to her at home by herself and how when I asked her about her family I could see the way her eyes fell and teared for just a second before she blinked them away. I heard the quiver of her voice as she talked about her, the way it sounded so fucken sad. How could anyone make her feel so worthless? Fuck them all.

I clenched my jaw as I spoke through my teeth. "I think she's alone a lot. She isn't sleeping much. Her family isn't around, and I think that's affecting her a lot."

My mom sighed, making me look away from the ceiling and to her. She dropped her arm's to her side, and watched me with a calculated look full of understanding that I didn't realize I fucken needed. I needed someone to tell me what to do because the idea of not being able to help her was tearing me in half. "Look son." she sighed, "I can see why she would have social anxiety. She's probably lonely, stressed with a lot of things too and I think that's why she can't sleep. Her brain can't shut off, and her body can't rest. It's a hard case son, I would love to talk to her if she is ever open to it but if you want my advice, it simple. Be there for her. Some of the basic method's that help people with social anxiety, and I don't think it's just social, I think she might have sever anxiety in general but use distractions. When you see her starting to feel that anxiety distract her. Reading, painting, drawing, taking a walk, anything. Be patient with because no matter how hard it is for you to watch, because I promise its twice harder for her inside her own head. Another good idea is giving her praise when she's doing good, it a positive, and she needs positive feedback. Never let your own emotion's show because if she sees you panicking, or worry that will double her anxiety. Listen to her, comfort her, and just be patient. She's going through a lot, and you just have to be there for her."

I laid there, in a bed full of pillow's thinking about every word my mom just said. I could do that, well, I could try. I would do my very fucken best trying because I can't watch her struggle any longer. I need her to be okay, I need her to be secure, and comfortable in her own mind and she isn't. I can't stand thinking she isn't and I am not longer going to stand by and watch. I might not be able to do a lot, but I will do what I can because I care about her. I want her healthy and happy and that's all the matters too me. It's the only reason I haven't locked the little boy back up, because everything I needed to do, he would help.

I heard some coming up the stairs, and both mom and I looked towards the door as it opened. My dad paused, looking at me stretched out on his bed. "Why are you in my bed?" he asked, glancing to my mom and starting to walk to her.

"I can't be?" I asked, knowing his joking.

He glanced at me. "Hijo, out of all my kids, you were the last one to leave my bed. So forgive me for just getting use to you finally not waking up in my fucken bed."

I scoffed. Yes, growing up I found myself in my parents bed way to often. But I grew out of it and he didn't have to point of that fact. What can I say, I felt safe here and for a while I didn't feel safe anywhere. The one place I didn't feel lost was here, so I always ended up here.

He leaned down, kissing my mom, who melted in his embrace. Then he straighten back out. "So is there a reason your in my bed? Or just for the fuck of it?"

"For the fuck of it." I replied careless, and he sighed but I could see his small smile, and soft eyes. He didn't mind me here as much as he liked to pretend he didn't.

My mom glanced to the window. "Is Ash still outside?" she asked, watching my dad from his seat as he took off his watch and ring and putting it on the dresser. And for a second we fell silently, listening to find out if Ash was still outside. The zooming on the track said yes. Which made my mom sighed deeply. "You think he will ever give that up?" she asked, and I know it's because she worries for his safety.

"His going pro." both dad and I said in union. I wanted to asked my dad about how thing's are going but I knew better. This room was off limit's with topics like that. Since I have been a child I remember this room as a safe space. This room was where I learned what love looked like, and what it felt like. When we were young, Kirsan and I would sit on the ground by the room and just watch our parents dance, smiling and laughing. Ash to young, to restless and couldn't ever just set there, but Kirsan and I would. For our little mind's it felt like we sat there forever, and we always came back because nothing cruel, or evil ever happened in this room. We were just children then, and now I know that the love that we saw had nothing to do with the room, it was my parents. But over time, this room became a happy zone, a place of love for everyone. This was the only place in our lives that we felt like we could come too and know for sure that nothing would hurt us here.

Even now, laying here and watching my dad making his way over to my mom, I felt like myself. Like that little boy that didn't know anything about the world outside. And I know it won't last, but in this room it always did.

I watched my dad climbed behind my mom in the chair and still there was plenty of room for another person. "Have you spoke with your brother?" he asked, wrapping his arm's around my mom before leaning down and kissing her, again. He never could kept his hand's off her, and I realized I'm not any different. Being with Lina, I always find myself needing to control my hand's from reaching for her.

"Which one?"

"Kirsan." he responded, leaning into my mom and nuzzling into her. This was a safe place even for him. But he was luckier then that, he didn't have just a room, he had a whole person. A whole person he felt safe enough to fall apart in and never feel weak for it.

I shook my head, watching my parents from their king size bed. And my dad's tanned eyes met me from my mom's shoulder. "He has news, you want me to tell you or you want to hear it from him?"

I'm sure Kirsan will tell me when he sees me, so it didn't matter. "Just tell me." I shrugged, grabbing a pillow and wrapping my arm's around it. My dad kissed my mom's neck before lifting his head up to look at me and said, "His graduating this year. His also chosen his career path."

It's about fucken time. He had his credit's to graduate last year, and I was surprised he hadn't then. I asked why, and he just shrugged and said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do just yet. I knew it was a lie, but I didn't push him. Kirsan can't be pushed. He was stubborn, private, and lived on his own wave. A wave that none of us would ever find, or even survive. But I wonder what finally gave him the push to graduate. "What's he going to do?" I asked, a smile coming onto my lips. I was proud of him. So fucken proud.

My mom looked so settled in my dad's arm, like there was no other place she wanted to be and I found my self slightly jealous of that but I stomped that feeling away. "Criminal, and corporate lawyer." he answered, resting his chin on my moms head and even from here I can see how much lighter he felt. How much softer his eye's have gotten, and how much easier he was breathing. I want that. Fuck, what's wrong with me? I shouldn't want to pull someone into this life.

Kirsan, no doubt smart enough to be anything he decides on and I asked, "He choose a school?"

"Deciding between Columbia, or Cornell."

I nodded, looking to the door as Aster pushed it open and tipped toed over. Cooper right on her trail as always. "Can I join?" she asked, giving us a smile. And I patted the bed beside me, making she sprinted at me and jumped onto the bed, then onto me. I chuckled, catching her and tucking her in beside me. "Hi star." I said and got back a big smile that lit her whole face, and warmed the deepest of my darkened heart. This girl will always be the sunshine to all my cloudy days. She could always cheer me up, without trying sometimes.

She turned to look at our parents, wrapping her arm around me and laying on my shoulder. "What are we talking about?"

I tapped her shoulder. "Kirsan choosing to be a lawyer." I told her, making her glance up at me.