"Madam jee ab ye khatam bhi kar dai! Para para thanda ho gya ha sara soup!" I faked an anger to take attention of soha.

Its been a week since she have gained conscious. Since then, she have been a complete changed person.

As if someone have took away my bestie soha and gave me a complete different person having same features as that of soha .

She always seems to be lost in her own thoughts. Sometimes she zones out of whats happening in her surroundings.

She have lost the charm and shine in her eyes.

The always smiling and loving personality who was my ideal have given up to the hardships of this life.

Is zindagi k safar mai us nay itni mushkilat ka samna kia hai shayad ab us mai itni himmat nahi rahi k logo ka samna kar saky....

She is lost in somewhere in this journey of her life.....

I turned around to hide my tears and my eyes fell on the person sitting outside the room since whole past week.

Being a best friend I have blamed Sheharyar for this state of soha but seeing him from past week! I can't say that a person like him would have want to hurt her this badly.

He have been sitting on that bench since she have been shifted to room.

Everyone came in and out, meet soha and everyone try to cheer her up but the only person that didn't saw her yet was Her HUSBAND!

No doubt he have been going through the same hell as soha is going through.

Losing their first child isn't a small battle to win!

I examined Sheharyar's face which was worned out due to sleepless nights and improper diet. His beard had grown and his face held worry and restlessness.

Then I moved towards soha.

Her condition was no way different.

Frown, unreadable expressions, lost in own world with restlessness.

"Hey! Kuch khaya bhabi ne?" Haarib came behind me and whispered in my ear.

It was evening and I had asked everyone to go home and relax. I and haarib was staying with soha.

I shook my head as 'No'

He sighed.

"Bhabiiii ! Ap ne to mujhe kaha tha k ap ki dost bohat achi hai suljhi hui saleqa mand aurat hai.

Bhabi! Trust me mera haal kisi prisoner se kam nahi. Danday marti ha mujhe. " haarib walked towards soha and sat beside her bed.

She suddenly looked at him as if she wasn't aware of his presence.

She again zoned out.

"Woh kiu?" She asked with a weak smile.

A fake one!

"Soha! Jhoot bol raha hai ye! Hamesha mujhe satata hai aur tang karta rehta hai phir kehta hai 'soha ko shikayat lagao ga' ab bhala batao! Would you scold me because of him?" I also acted and walked over to the other side of bed.

Soha have been recovered but her weakness wasn't leaving her.

She isn't letting herself heal....

"Bhabi! Ap mera sath de gi.... is chikuu ka nahi. " haarib again took the weird nickname he gave me and I narrowed my eyes at him.

Before I could argue with him I saw the smile on soha's lips.

She smiled for the first time in past week.

I looked at haarib and he assured me that its alright through eyes.

I pinched his arm and said, "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME THAT! I am not chikuu or vikuu"

"Yes you are my chikuu.. my vikkuu... my laraku (the fighter)..."

We both laughed and soha was also smiling.

I then took the bowl of soup and make her drink it sip by sip.

She drank it all with a smile.

Thank God she is coming back to the world!

---------

Its been a week since I haven't talked to her.

Looking at her from the distance or listening to her voice from outside the room was enough for me.

During midnight, I always came inside the room and admire her closely.

Kisses away the frown from her forehead.... and pray for her recovery.

I won't show up to her.

I am not worth it.

And she won't also talk to me either.

I'll accept whatever she would punish me but for once.... just for once I wanna hug her tightly...

Ask for forgiveness and....

Beg for her love....

"Bhai! Coffee?" Haarib came with a cup of coffee in his hands.

I refused to take and sat back on the bench.

"Go meet her! Why aren't you going inside and ask for forgiveness?" He said.

"I couldn't!" I placed my head at the wall behind and closed my eyes.

"So, you are being a coward now! Ab maafi mangne ki himmat nahi ha? Par tab hath uthany ki himmat thi?" He sarcastically said this all and I looked up at his face with fury.

I told him everything but that doesn't mean he would taunt me in every possible way!

"Listen! I am not taunting you or anything. I am just trying to make things figure out in between you guys. "

I stayed in the same pose.

"She would be discharged by tomorrow and I don't know if she would ever meet you again or not.

Just go and try to explain yourself. Apologize and beg for her love. Just.... do something yarr! Yaha baithay rehne se kuch nahi ho ga. " he tried to make me do something but what could I do when I am the reason behind all this.

How could I confront a women whose child have been lost because of me...

Who is in such state because of me...

"How could I...." I whispered to my ownself.

"You can Sheharyar! Just make her believe that you love her and everything was just a misunderstanding ... she would forgive you I know she would... just talk to her.... atleast for once...."

I looked up at him.

Would she really forgive me?

-------

As I entered the room, she was looking at the floor .... unaware of the surrounding...

Unaware of me being inside the room.

I cleared my throat that made her look in my direction.

Her expressions changed suddenly.

From being afraid to being furious...

From grief to condolence....

From recognition to strangers....

She then looked away as if I wasn't even there.

Ignorance is what I did to her since I knew her and now she is doing the same.

Good! I have earned this.

"Hi!" I tried to speak but words weren't coming out.

Her hurt expressions were enough to make me forget about this world....

"Ho...how are you?" I asked while going towards her bed.

"So you are here to see if I am alive or not?" Her sudden strangers like behaviour tored me apart....

It seemed like someone ripped me apart.

"I... I am here to.... Apologize....i...

I am.... so...Sorry soha... I should have..."

"You should have what Sheharyar?" Her tone was different.

I looked up to see her and she had a stern and vague expression.

She wasn't the soha I knew.

"I am sorry for....." I left the sentence uncompleted.

"Sorry? Is that what you are here for?" She asked with confidence and an unknown strange expression.

"Okay then tell me one thing! SORRY FOR WHAT?" She again looked in my way.

"SORRY for marrying me because of your own benefit?

Or

SORRY for misbehaving with me after marriage?

Or SORRY for treating me like a decorative art piece placed in your room? Or may be sorry for acting like a complete coward who just wanted to take his freaking right of being a husband!"

Her voice was full of hurt. Her words hold the grief. But her way of speaking was determined.

"Soha I..."

"Nahi! I really wanna know.... kis kis cheez k liye SORRY kahy gay ap?

Mujh se piyar k waade kar k usi piyar par shak karne ka SORRY?

Or SORRY for taking my dignity away? I gave you the right to touch my body... touch my soul.... I gave you my Trust! Are you SORRY for that?"

Her words were making me feel disgusted of myself.

She faked a smile and then continued.

"May be you are SORRY because you didn't had the guts to trust your own wife. Or SORRY for slapping me?" She folded her hand over her chest and looked with demanding eyes.

Eyes which were demanding answers from me... for my behaviour.

"I didn't mean to hurt you soha I..." I tried to hold her hand but she jerked it away shooking her head as 'NO'

She doesn't want you here Sheharyar!

You have hurt her beyond repair....

"You didn't mean to hurt me? So is there something still left to hurt me?" She asked disbelievingly.

"Soha I can fix this.... just .... I am sorry... I ..really am...." I wanted to shout and scream but I couldn't.

"Again SORRY? So I guess this SORRY of yours could be for telling me my standard and my value in your heart? Obviously 'yeh daghdar shakal' kis ko achi lagti ho gi. Am I right Mr. Sheharyar Ali?" Her voice got higher.

I pinched closed my eyes as she quoted my own words.

How much blind I was in my anger....

How could I say those words...

"Or you must be SORRY for putting a finger over my character while all this was nothing but your own filthy thoughts!" She was fuming with anger.

She coughed and I moved towards her to hold her but she pushed me away.

"Stay away!" She said in between her coughs.

"Konsa insan apni hi biwi par itna bara ilzam laga deta ha.... bina us ko ek moqa.... ek moqa justification ka diye...

Mr. Sheharyar Ali! Apni safai ka ek moqa to zalim bhi jaan lene se pehly de deta ha. Ap ne to itna bhi insaf na kia ...."

Endless Tears were falling from her eyes and I couldn't do anything to stop them.

"Array! Ap ko nahi yaqeen tha k ye bacha ap ka ha ya nahi toh Na hota yaqeen! Par itni insaniyat to hoti ap mai k YOU WOULD HAVE BROUGHT ME TO THE HOSPITAL ON TIME....."

"sorry kehne aye han..." she turned her head to the opposite direction.

my head was down because I didn't have the courage to face her and her tears.

"Aj ap ne prove kr diya Sheharyar....

Love can't win everything...

Socha tha itna piyar du gi ap ko k ap sab bhul jaye gay.... ap ka gussa mai apne piyar se kam kar du gi....

Ap.... apne to mere piyar ka hi gala ghont diya....

Ap mere sath jo chahy kar lety .... par... You could have saved my baby....

Ek maa apne bachay ko har mushkil se bachati hai.... chahy us ki apni jaan kiu na chali jaye...

Par mujh jaisi bad qismat maa! Jo biwi ka farz nibhaty nibhaty maa ka farz bhul gai....AP KI KHATIR APNA BACHA BHI KHOO DIA MANE SHEHARYAR.... AB MERE PASS AP KO DENE K LIYE KUCH NAHI HA SHEHARYAR.... KUCH NAHI HAI....

PIYAR BHI NAHI...."

"Us bachay ka is dunya ma na ana hi behtar tha ....Jis ka baap.... ussay is dunya ma ane se pehly hi ek galli bana de.... acha hua.... pehly hi chala gaya. " she cried and I saw her crying.

I was crying myself.

Our loss was same....

Just the difference was....

I was the one causing it and she was the one suffering....

"Cha....chalay jaye yaha se Sheharyar.... I don't wanna see your face...

Ghin ati ha mujhe ap se....

I feel disgusted of you....

I feel like a stupid because I loved a coward like you!"

"Soha I...." I tried to say something but when I saw her taking deep breaths I ran towards her.

She was having difficulty in breathing.

"Soha.... soha.... no... relax... I ... I'll call the doctor... I .." I ran out of room

"Doctor? DOCTOR! IFRA?" I was shouting like a mental patient in the corridor.

Soon I saw ifra.

"Ifra woh...soha....woh..."

"Kia hua soha ko?" She ran towards the room and so did the doctors too.

"Her blood pressure is too high. We told you not to give her any kind of stress. " the doctor complained to ifra and then got busy in treating soha.

They gave an injection to her and looking at her in this state was not more than digging my own grave....

I love her yet I caused her this much pain.

"I really wanna know.... kis kis cheez k liye SORRY kahy gay ap?

Or you must be SORRY for putting a finger over my character"

"May be you are SORRY because you didn't had the guts to trust your own wife. Or SORRY for slapping me?"

"Us bachay ka is dunya ma na ana hi behtar tha ....Jis ka baap.... ussay is dunya ma ane se pehly hi ek galli bana de.... acha hua.... pehly hi chala gaya."

Each and every word of hers were like a dagger in my heart.

How could I be so stupid to think that she would forgive me.

I am not worth it.

I ran out of hospital and sat in the car and drove fast.

Khawabon ne hi,

Dil dukhaya ankhon ka,

Hathon mein hay,

Dard juda hy hathon ka......

Sath chala jo mere bas woh

Tera saya thaa,

Sadiyon tujh ko chaha bas,

Do pal ko paya thaa..!

Roiyaan royiaan ankhiyan royia,

Aansuon ke bina ....Royia,

The song was being played on the radio.

Sahi hi to keh raha ha....

Sath chala jo mere bas woh tere saya tha....

All the memories of our honeymoon came flashing in my mind.

Our first meeting...

Her coffee...

Her hair....

Her soft hands....

Sans chal toh rahi thi,

Theek se,

Tu ne pathar rakh diye,

Larkhra kar girre,

Seeny mein,

Dard hone laga jeene mein,

Mazza aane laga peene mein,

Peete pite, peete pite..!

Roiyaan royiaan ankhiyan royia,

Aansuon ke bina ....Royia,

"Cha....chalay jaye yaha se Sheharyar.... I don't wanna see your face...

Ghin ati ha mujhe ap se....

I feel disgusted of you....

I feel like a stupid because I loved a coward like you!"

Soha's recent words came over again make me cry even more.

Why this pain wasn't leaving me....

My heart was shrinking....

Its like my heart would stop beating....

Zameen pe chalte chalte,

Tum chand ban gaye,

Hum khade hay wahi,

The jahan se chale,

Dekha hathon mein kahin,

Tum door tak nahi,

Kiyu khenchi be-matlab ki lakeeren,

Tu bata,

Is baat pe ladte ladte,

Aye khuda.. !

Roiyaan royiaan ankhiyan royia,

Aansuon ke bina ....Royia,

Roiyaan royiaan ankhiyan royia

I stopped the car where I should have been!

I looked on my hands....

Suna tha hatho ki lakeero mai qismat likhi hoti hai....

Mane to apne hi hatho se apni qismat gawa di.....

Ab na ye hath chahiye...

Na ye qismat....

Na ye zindagi....

~~~~~~~~~

Ansuon k bina roiyaan!

What it feels like to have this feeling.

Well I have felt it and trust me you really wanna die in such situation.

So, soha being in furious state.

It was the first time her being in such state.

Why not! When a mother loses her child! This is exactly how she reacts.

Now what's next?

Where the journey of life would take these two?

With love,

Khushi