《Reaching the Sky》23
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note: good evening to all of you! first of all, happy pride month, mga baccla!! and i want to say sorry dahil wala akong update yesterday :(( tinambakan kami ng cases (for those na hindi aware, im a legal management student) and had to read and digest them all kahapon so very hectic ng sched. but, like what ive said, i will bawi today so here's your ayudaaa! hindi ako natulog kaninang umaga para matapos 'tong chap na 'to, ganon ko kayo kamahal pls HAHAHAHAH but dw too much coz sabi ko nga, kayo ang pahinga ko. and anw, para sa ikapapanatag ng lahat, walang malalang sakit si arki! please do stay hydrated and enjoy, readers!
ps: i cried a lot while writing this wtf skskskskd iba talaga 'yong sakit na iyon. anw, read well! and for those na makakarelate, yakaaaap to all of you!
"Trish, hey wake up,"
I gently tapped her arms dahil mukhang nananaginip siya. Nang iangat niya ang mukha niya ay may luha akong nakita.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, worried.
"I dreamt of Papa,"
I heard her voice cracked and I hugged her tighter. Hinayaan ko lang siya sa ganoong posisyon at unti unting hinahamplos ang ulo niya, helping her to fall asleep again.
Few minutes later, I checked her again and I saw na nakatulog na siya ulit. Dahan dahan kong iniangat ang ulo niya at inihiga ito sa unan bago ako tuluyang tumayo mula sa pagkakahiga.
I dialed Keith's number, ang sabi naman niya ay hanggang mamayang umaga pa ang duty niya.
She quickly answered it. "Arki! Gising pa po kayo? May kailangan po ba kayo?"
"Hindi ka ba inaantok? Ang taas pa rin ng energy mo," I whispered dahil baka magising si Tricia.
"Ano 'yon, Arki? Ang hina po, hindi ko masyado marinig,"
"Wait, layo ako konti," I said at naglakad papunta sa balcony ng room. "Sorry, Tricia's already sleeping inside, I had to tone down my voice, baka magising siya,"
"Okay lang p—teka, magkasama po kayo? Akala ko po hiwalay kayo ng room?"
Natawa naman ako nang bahagya. Ang marites niya.
"Tricia wants me here, who am I to tanggi?"
"Hala, Arki 'wag kang ganiyan. Nararamdaman ko lalo na single ako," reklamo niya. "Bakit kasi wala rito si Ma'am Aika?"
Natawa ako dahil tuwing makakausap namin siya ay talagang hindi nawawala si Ate Aiks sa mga binabanggit niya. Kahit na hindi connected sa topic ay isisingit pa rin niya.
"Mahaba pila kay Ate Aiks," biro ko.
I heard her sighed. "Okay lang, Arki nakapila po ako maayos dito sa likod," aniya. "Ah! Bakit po pala kayo tumawag? Tungkol po ba sa ganap bukas?"
"Uh no," I said. "Favor lang sana, if I can have extra pillows and kumot dito sa room ni Tricia?"
"Po? Para saan po?" Tanong niya. "Pero sige po, teka po aakyat na ako!"
She dropped the call at nag hintay na lang ako na makarating siya. Nang makarating siya ay agad siyang nag text na nasa harap na siya ng pinto. Ang sabi ko kasi ay 'wag nang kakatok dahil baka magising 'tong isa.
I opened the door at bumungad si Keith na may dalawang mga unan at kumot. I quickly grabbed it from her at inilapag sa sahig.
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"Sa lapag ka tutulog, Arki?" She asked while helping me na ayusin ang hihigaan ko.
"Nananaginip si Tricia kanina," I said at iniabot niya sakin 'yong isang unan. "Ayoko siya iwan mag isa,"
I saw Keith na sumandal sa pader at nag act na kala mo ay naiiyak.
"Lord, anak mo rin po ako. When po ako?" She joked at pareho naman kaming natawa nang bahagya. "Sorry, Arki ako kasi hinayaan, e."
"Wow, may hugot ka rin sa buhay, ah? Want to talk about it?" I asked her nang matapos namin ayusin 'yong higaan ko.
"Nako, Arki masstress ka lang po," aniya at inayos naman ang buhok. "Basta po nagkaanak siya sa iba, ayun na 'yon po,"
Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. "Huh? Nagkaanak sa iba?"
She nodded. "Opo, Arki. Bago pa niya ako makilala, may anak na pala siya sa iba," she said. "Tsk, hindi man lang sinabi sa akin,"
I suddenly got interested sa kwento niya. "What about the mother of the child?"
We walked papunta sa pinto habang magkakwentuhan pa rin.
"Ayun po, may communication pa rin po pala sila dahil nga nung bata. Kaya pala Arki ganun ako itrato," she sighed. "Mixed signals sa akin,"
Napailing iling siya at binuksan 'yong pinto. "Arki, balik na po ako sa baba! Secret na lang po natin 'yong kwento ko," sabi niya at lumapit sa akin bago bumulong. "Nakamove on na rin naman po ako,"
She smiled before walking away. Kumaway pa siya bago tuluyang pumasok sa elevator.
Hindi naman sa judger ako, pero sabi niya ay nakamove on na siya pero yung mga mata niya.. iba ang sinasabi.
Makikita mo talaga sa mata ng isang tao kung ano ang nararamdaman niya. Hindi man lagi sinasabi 'to, pero kung titingnan mo sa mata ay makikita mo 'yong tunay na nilalaman ng puso niya.
It's always the eyes na nagsasabi ng lahat.
Biglang pumasok sa isip ko kung paano ako tingnan ni Jill noon.
Yung tingin na nagsasabing..
Mahal kita pero hindi kita kayang ipagmalaki sa lahat.
And that shit broke me nung mga panahon na 'yon.
We almost had it.
Almost.
I brushed off all the thoughts na pilit pumapasok sa isip ko. Kailan kaya ako matutulog at gigising na walang iniisip?
I sighed and carefully walked papunta sa higaan ko para hindi makagawa ng ingay na posibleng makagising kay Tricia.
I checked Tricia and kissed her forehead once again. "Sleep well, pretty."
Nang makahiga ako ay unti unti kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko.
Ilang minuto na ang nakakalipas ay hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Paikot ikot lang ako at paiba iba ng pwesto. Mukhang mahihirapan ako matulog dahil hindi naman ako sanay na sa lapag natutulog.
But this is for Tricia.
I tried closing my eyes again and sleep.
Kinaumagahan ay nagulat ako nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko na nasa tabi ko. I quickly answered it dahil baka mabaala si Tricia.
"Hello?" I said in my morning voice.
"Bub!" Jill greeted me with full of energy. "Good morning!"
Hindi agad ako nakasagot dahil papikit pikit pa rin ako. Pakiramdam ko ay kapipikit ko lang. Ayun na 'yong tulog? Wtf.
Nawala sa isip ko na nakaon pa rin ang tawag nang biglang magsalita si Jill. "You're antukin talaga!" she said at tumawa. "You should bangon na, bub! Where's Ate Tricia?"
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"She's.. here," I said. Antok na antok pa rin ako at gusto ko pang matulog.
"Here? Where? Akala ko ba ay magkahiwalay kayo ng kwarto?"
Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Napaupo ako at pakiramdam ko ay nagising ang kalamnan ko dahil doon.
"Uh.."
"You slept with Ate Trish?"
"Yes—"
"What?"
"Ay, I mean no. No, Jill hindi kami magkatabing natulog," I explained. "You're Ate Trish is peacefully sleeping sa bed, and I'm here sa lapag,"
Silence.
"I see. Are you alright, bubby? Hindi ka sanay matulog sa sahig, nag sapin ka ba? Yung likod mo baka nalamiga—"
"Jill, chillax. I'm okay, kausap mo nga ako ngayon, oh. I'm all goods, nasurvive ko naman 'tong pagtulog sa lapag,"
I heard her laughed. "Wow, I can't imagine this Arki really slept sa lapag, not so you,"
"Nothing wrong with changes. And besides.. would do anything for her," I whispered and looked at Tricia.
"What? What is it, bubby?" She asked. "Humina signal for a moment, naglalakad kasi ako pababa,"
"Nothing, I said ingat and enjoy there!"
"Bangon na, ha? Para hindi ka na makatulog, dami niyo need ayusin ni Ate Trish," paalala niya. "As much as I want to talk to you pa, I need to go na, bub."
"Sure, mag enjoy kayo ni Tita!"
"Copy, boss!" She said and giggled a bit. "I love you, bubby."
I looked at Tricia. "Take care, Jill."
I was the one who dropped the call this time. I decided to text Tita Vp para batiin siya.
After the short talk with Tita, si Inay naman ang tinawagan ko. Kakamustahin ko sana sila ni Lian ngunit ilang beses na 'yon nag ring pero walang sumasagot, siguro ay tulog pa rin siya. Hinayaan ko na lang at hindi na ako nangabala pa sa pahinga niya. Deserve naman ni Inay ng pahinga at makabawi sa tulog dahil palagi siyang maaga gumigising kapag kasama kami.
Nakakatuwa isipin na kay Inay, hindi ko kailangan magmakaawa para bigyan ako ng atensyon at ng pagmamahal. Mula noon ay laging si Inay ang nand'yan para sa akin.
"Ano 'to, Y/N?" Mama asked me habang hawak 'yong papel na naglalaman ng grades ko. "Bakit ganito? Bakit ganito lang?"
"Ma, mahirap po kasi talaga," sagot ko at yumuko. "Pasado naman po,"
"The hell I care kung pasado," aniya. "Ang point ko ay bakit hindi straight uno 'to?"
Hindi ako makasagot.
Palagi namang ganito ang sitwasyon tuwing malalaman niya ang grades ko.
"Sagot!" sigaw niya at ibinato sa harap ko 'yong papel. "Bakit ganiyan? Ano bang problema mo? May problema ka ba?"
"Ma.."
"Huwag kang magpaawa sa akin, Y/N hindi mo ako madadala d'yan," she said and sighed. "Ano pa bang kailangan mo para pagbutihin mo pagaaral mo?"
"Maayos naman po, ako po 'yong una sa dean's list,"
"Still, tingnan mo 'yang grades mo! Hindi straight uno, 'yan na ba ang pinagmamalaki mo sa akin?" she asked me. "Kung akala mo ay magaling ka na dahil d'yan, pwes hindi para sa akin,"
"Ma'am, saksi naman po ako kung paano nagaaral nang maayos yung bata," Inay suddenly talked.
"Let me discipline my own child, Inay." Mama said at natahimik naman si Inay.
I just nodded at her and she gave me a sad smile.
"Tingnan mo 'yong anak ng kaibigan ko, ang galing galing!"
I tear escaped my eyes.
"Maliitin mo na ako, Ma pero 'wag niyo naman po akong ikumpara,"
Napapikit ako nang hindi ko napigilan ang sarili kong magsalita.
"Ano? Sumasagot ka na ngayon, Y/N?"
Hindi ko na kaya.
Just this one, Lord. Ngayon lang po. Ipaglalaban ko ang sarili ko.
I lifted my head and smiled at her. "Funny, Ma how you asked me kung anong problema with out knowing na kayo mismo 'yon,"
"What are you saying?"
"This is my problem, this toxic environment," I said. "Ma, kailan ka ba magiging proud sa nakukuha ko?" I asked her. Trying hard na pigilan ang iyak ko. "Kailan.. kailan mo ba ako ipagmamalaki?"
"Paano kita ipagmamalaki kung ganiyan?"
"Ano pa bang gusto mo, Ma? Halos mamatay ako kakamaintain ng grades ko. Iniisip ko nga minsan, hindi ko na 'to ginagawa para sa sarili ko, e. Pinipilit ko na lang kasi nakakatakot.. nakakatakot mahusgahan ng sarili mong ina when in fact you should be the first one who should be proud of me,"
"Stop this, Y/N."
"No, Ma. Bakit ako titigil? Masakit ba? Masakit ba malaman 'yong totoo mula sa anak mo? Masakit ba malaman kung.. kung paano mo sinasaktan 'yung sarili mong anak?"
"I said, stop this or els—"
"Bullshit, Ma!" I shouted at hinampas 'yong lamesa. "We're back again sa or else mo na 'yan. Lagi na lang bang may kondisyon sa lahat? Ano naman this time? Stop or else hindi mo ako palalabasin? Stop or else you'll confiscate all my gadgets? Stop or else what, Ma?"
She didn't talk.
Natawa ako. "Hanggang kailan ba ako maghahangad ng bagay na dapat ay kusa mong binibigay?" I looked straight sa mata niya. "Hanggang kailan ba ako maghahangad na sana.. sana maramdaman ko naman kahit saglit na may nanay ako?" There, I cried. "Kailan ko ba mararanasan 'yong uuwi akong nandito ka? 'Yong uuwi akong may nanay na sasalubong sa akin para sabihin na "anak, you did well today, you did your best and I'm proud of you","
Napaupo ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay nanghihina ang buong pagkatao ko. "Kailan, Ma? Nakakapagod na kasi mag hintay," I said. "Honestly, Ma ayokong sabihin 'to dahil ayokong masaktan ka, pero kailangan mo 'to para marealize mo kung anong ginagawa mo sa akin. Ma, mas nanay pa sa akin 'yong iba na hindi ko talaga kadugo kesa sa tunay kong ina,"
After I said that, naramdaman kong lumapat ang kamay niya sa pisngi ko. She slapped me.
I smirked. "Now, you gave me the answer to all of my questions," I said at tumayo.
"Pagmamahal mo lang ang kailangan ko, pati ba naman 'yon kailangan kong paghirapan para makuha?"
Dahan dahan akong naglakad palayo sa kaniya at papunta sa hagdaan pataas para makapunta sa kwarto ko.
"Mahal kita, Ma. But I will never regret that this night happened."
After that, I continued walking pataas.
I'm in pain.
And Mama gave me the pain that no one can heal.
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