Another two weeks went by while I walked around like an empty shell decorated well.

I liked my new wardrobe, it was comfortable but I still missed my old one.

Everyone started calling me Alicia so I could get used to my new cover. My boss thought changing my last name like all other times wasn't enough. I missed the name Ariana. Yes it was my real name, yes I make my last names of my favourite pop stars but I always kept my first name.

I missed being Ariana.

I missed the people calling me that, moaning my name- in anger, in haste, in love, in lust.

Everything was new around me, new cases, new colleagues, except Oli of course. But the same pinching in my heart whenever I got lost in my thoughts. So I found a way to stop that.

I figured out that the pain was due to my thoughts and I had to control them, or atleast not let them affect me. I drank.

After the first few shots, I figured out that he'd probably not like the real me anyways. I'm not normal, I'm not stable. Yeah sure I can entertain people but never please them. I don't care enough. I don't need him. I'm too independent. I chose this lifestyle even though I didn't have a traumatizing backstory. That itself is something to worry about.

Welp! This wasn't working so I tripled them amount of alcohol I consumed.

I drank more than an average human is capable to drink without risking alcohol poisoning. But unlike others alcohol didn't give me pounding headache or blackouts. It made my brain go... silent. It felt like not even an echo could penetrate the silent I felt.

I was drunk through most of my cases, but I always called Oli to confirm everything went fine. Soon he figured it out I was really out of my freakin' mind to call him every freakin' time and he came over to throw everything away.

He called Beth the only other person who could handle all my ups and downs. He said she was pretending to be someone's wife while guarding him but she left in an heartbeat as soon as she heard.

"Fúck it! This shit isn't working Beth! I can't write out my feelings to let go, it's making even more depressed realising what I'm depressed about." I threw the book away in frustration.

She rolled her eyes and brought a cloth bag from her room which seemed to be bursting out of it's seems.

[A/n: Use reusable bags, say no to plastic people! Save the sea, save the earth, or you create problems for next generation's birth!]

"I knew you would give up so I had a backup" she turned the bag upside down and emptied it's contents on the coffee table which slide down to the carpet because there was just too much stuff.

"Treats?" I rolled my eyes.

"Foreign treats!" She exclaimed.

She knew me well.

"I know you love the challenges and the thrills but on the top of your list is the unknown sooooo... WE GET TO TRY THEM ALL!" She picked up an armful of treats and rained them on me.

"I love you" my eyes almost watered.

"Thankyou" she bowed a little.

And we dived into the sugar mountain.

~•~

"I'm...so...full...I-"

"Can't...even breathe" We completed her sentence together lying on our backs, posing like the embassadors for double chins.

"I swear if a man saw us now like this, he would be banned from my life." Beth sighed.

"Maybe he has a chin fetish" I replied.

"When was the last time you had some?" She snorted.

"Uhh..." I thought back to my last and favourite weíner.

"Oh My God!" She sat up.

"You've got to be kidding me!" She rolled towards me.

"Ariana Owens didn't get some for so long she hesitated!" She screamed in my face.

"I was too busy...and there's no one worth a look here!" I defended myself.

"We need some pounding! Preferably by two different men" She determined.

"Well go on then get up." I gestured towards the door which seemed like miles away.

"You're right we'll go díck hunting tomorrow." She sank back into the sofa.

~•~

True to her words Beth was forcing me to go downtown at a chic club. By forcing I mean bribing me with all my favourite breakfast meals this morning and pizza this afternoon.

"I look like I'm three months pregnant with a food baby!" I said looking at myself in the floor to ceiling mirror.

"Oh shush just wear a fluffy dress" Beth waved her hand not even looking at me.

"What do you think I am? Cinderella?" I rolled my eyes.

"Catch!" She yelled and I let out a yelp before catching the flowy black dress with golden lines.

"This is called layers, not fluffy you dumb agent" I mocked her.

"Fine! Be an onion! Wear. That. Dress." She emphasized each word with a click on her straightening iron looking like a crab.

After dressing up and doing my makeup all dark with smokey eyes and maroon lipstick we made our way to the club called Mr. Wrong Decisions. How fitting.

Beth wants me to stay away from the alcohol but I still sneak in a few shots. I feel my heartbeat sync-in with the music and we loose ourselves to the party vibes.

I went back to the bar to get some water when from the corner of my eye I spotted someone familiar who seemed to be enjoying his time.

I'm still sober so to speak but I still made the decision to go right up to his face. Which seemed like a challenge as he was in the VIP area.

I sneaked past the guard and climbed those stairs while taking a peek at Beth enjoying herself with a guy grinding on her.

I reached his group and tapped harshly on his shoulders yelling "Hey!"

He turned around to give me a look of total disinterest and annoyance.

"We need to talk." I yelled over the music.

"I don't even know you!" He yelled back with a smirk, taking my body in with his eyes.

"But I do! You are Nick Bateman and we are done!" I pointed to him and then myself.

"What?" He asked confused.

"I'm breaking up with you!" I said with a smile and kissed his cheek.

"Huh?" He looked clueless and I took that time to go back downstairs.

I motioned Beth that I'm leaving and she gave me a thumbs up while sucking someone's face.

Right in front of my eyes, I lost the person who meant to me the most. Somehow I made the first great thing that happened to me in a while turn into something that ruined life for me.

Everything seemed so pointless now. There was work, there were people to tend to, but I couldn't take my mind off of her.

She didn't even get a proper funeral. Maybe it was good that it didn't happen, I don't think I would've been able to handle it. Now I can atleast believe that she's somewhere out there.

People have been trying to reach out to me. Friends, family, even the help.

Only the help has stuck with me now after several weeks. I didn't even know so much time passed as I just did some paperwork and read the death certificate over and over.

The whole fúcking house reminds me of her and I'm the reason she died. I should've stopped her, should've been more, said more.

My train of thought crashes as Mia enters bringing me pancakes and a 1000 watts smile.

"Sir it's a beautiful morning! Shall I get the shower warm? Or would you like to stay in bed and rest?" She asked bending down and placing the tray on my nightstand.

"Just leave" I say hoarsely, my throat dry from not speaking for long.

"Maybe..." She whispered sitting next to me on the bed.

"Maybe I can lift your mood in some other way..." She dared to trail her hands down my arm.

"What the fúck!" I jumped off the bed as if repelled by her touch.

"Didn't you hear what I say?! GET. OUT. And don't ever DARE to come in here again." I slammed the door open.

Zach and Michael hurried out of their rooms to see what the commotion was about. Zach had a gun in his hand. Steve and Alana hurried into the hallway looking disheveled.

Mia looked around, tears pooling in her eyes and one final look of determination at me, she left.

A moment of silence passed, none of us moving anywhere.

"Steve get the car ready." Michael said walking towards me and pushing me to my bathroom.

"I'm not going anywhere" I grumbled.

Michael turned me around and grabbed my collar.

"Listen here stinker, you are going to take a shower, get dressed and come out with me, and don't you dare say no or I'll beat you to pulp and then drag you in a bag myself."

"Go ahead." I clenched my jaw. That made him loose his hold but he regained his composure.

"Listen I know you are not in the right mind but I know you wouldn't want to hurt your sister." This made me look up.

"Yes she is worried day in and out about your health, mental and physical. It's affecting her too, it's affecting all of us. Do this for her." He sighed and left.

A few hours later after a shower and a car ride we pulled up to a mansion that I knew well. It was splashed across the tabloids after all.

The door opened with my best friend standing there with open arms.

"Nicholas" I hugged him following with our handshake.

"Alexander" he nodded inviting me in.

"What are you doing home this time of the year?" I asked with a small smile that I always have around him.

"What are you doing out of your home stinker!?" He joked making the smile fall off.

"I-I I'm sorry I heard about... I thought I would cheer you up-FÚCK this isn't going well." He facepalmed.

"It's alright, I'm- I'm okay" I sighed.

It didn't take up much time to leave the awkwardness behind and get going at it like two best friends who meet daily. We were sharing stories of the good ol' days and all the pranks we pulled.

"And then the principal thought the Mike was changing his words and he tried to cover it!" We laughed.

Ah it felt good to laugh like this, so carefree.

"Okay okay my turn!" Steve chimed.

"So this one time a girl came up to me and asked me to father her unborn children! I didn't even know her name! She basically wanted a free sperm donor!" He exclaimed.

"And you thought how being so good looking is dangerous" Michael rolled his eyes, spoiling the end to a story we already heard a million times.

"Hey!" Steve yelled.

"Get some new stories Steve!" I laughed.

"Ooh I got a good one!" Nick spoke.

"I was just casually hanging out with my coworkers at the club near the studio when a girl sneaked up on to me. She was kinda hot so I turned to her when she said she's breaking up with me!" He laughed.

"Maybe it was just someone you agreed to be in a relationship while you were drunk." I added. We do a lot of crazy things when we are drunk. That's also the reason why our parties were the best in highschool.

"Nah man, I would definitely remember her! Her body was to die for! And those cute grey eyes you just want to sink in..." He said dreamily.

I can think of someone with body to die for and cute eyes too. *Sigh*

I would give my everything to just meet her one more time, see her mischievous eyes twinkle with a smirk tugging her lips. Just to confess my love to her. Just once.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•