The cold night air hit me instantly, sending chills down my spine as I followed Sam out into their backyard, far enough away where the loud roaring of the party turned into a dull murmur off in the distance.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, lighting one and letting it hang from his lips as he smirked back at me. I could already feel my cheeks burning from Jake's drink, the rest of my body starting to radiate what little heat I had left inside of me.

"I thought I was going to have to get the spray bottle out on you in there." He joked, flicking his ashes off to the side. I rolled my eyes, playfully shoving him.

"Shut up." I laughed. "I wasn't that bad." He blew his smoke in the other direction, trying his best to contain his laughter.

"Coulda fooled me." He muttered. "Cause.. I thought you were here with Josh tonight." I bit down on my lip, feeling my heart beat faster.

"I.. I am." I said softly, avoiding his eyes.

"So then.. what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. He smirked back at me, taking another drag before shaking his head.

"I mean.. what's going on?" I sighed, shrugging as I began pacing around their yard.

"I really don't know." I said softly. "I want to, but.."

I knew that I loved Josh. There was no question about it. I had always loved him. But loving him didn't feel fair when I also knew how I felt about Jake, and clearly there was no denying that either. I couldn't hide that if I wanted to.

"Well, you know how I feel." He said, giving me a gentle smile. I nodded, knowing that he had been pushing me towards Josh the entire time. And who could blame him? Josh and I had practically been together our entire lives. It's all everyone around us had ever known.

"I know."

"But.. it doesn't matter how I feel. All that matters is how you feel."

And he was right.

Partly.

It mattered how they felt too.

And the last thing I wanted to do was hurt either of them.

"And you know, no one says you have to be with any of them. Because who knows. Maybe.. it's someone else. They're really all you've ever known, right? You've never really given yourself the chance to even.. consider anyone else."

"Like who, Sam?" I laughed. I knew that there was no one else.

"I don't know, but it felt like the right thing to say." He laughed.

"Maybe in theory." But I knew in the end.. it was one of them.

It had to be.

I think what also killed me was the fact that I knew if I picked Jake, Josh would always be there, even just as my friend again. But if I picked Josh, I would lose Jake forever. And I don't think I was willing to risk that.

"I just.. I don't want anyone to get hurt." Sam muttered.

"Me either."

"And that includes you too, Jaime."

"Thank you." I sighed, smiling back up at him.

I had always appreciated our relationship over the years. He was like the brother I never had, having grown up an only child, it was nice to have someone like him to look over me, even if he technically would be my little brother, he was wise beyond his years, so it never felt like it. But I knew if it came down to it, I'd do anything to protect him too.

"But.. if you're gonna keep looking at Jake like that-"

"I know, I know.." I laughed, rolling my eyes. "I just-"

"You can't help it. I know." We sat in silence for a bit as he finished the rest of his cigarette, pulling another one out from his pack, lighting it and taking another deep drag before blowing the smoke up into the air.

"Can I tell you something?" He finally said. I nodded, feeling my heart beat faster. That question was always enough to make anyone nervous.

"Of course."

"That night.. in the hotel.." My stomach dropped.

"What about it?"

"Well.. it's just that.. and I will deny it if you say anything but.. if you're worried about Jake hurting you.. don't be. I've never seen him the way he was that night before, not over anyone. I don't know what you did to him but.. he's got it bad, Jaime and.. I know he's been kind of a shitty boyfriend in the past, especially when it's come to things like this but.. that's not how he feels about you. You're.. different. And again.. you know how I feel. But.. I don't think it's fair for you to make any decisions unless you know the truth about everything. I know I would want to know. So.. whatever you decide, whatever feels right for you, just know that.. you don't have to worry when it comes to him. He might not know how to act yet, it is still new for him but.. his heart is in the right place and he's trying. And.. he would do anything for you. I'm sure of it. If you could give him that, just a little patience.. he would. For you, he would."

"That actually makes everything so much worse." I giggled to myself. "Thanks a lot." He laughed, nodding as he slowly paced around the deck.

"Yeah, I'm sure, but.." He shrugged, giving me a gentle smile. "It's.. actually really sweet. And.. I'd hate for him to get hurt too. If there was even a chance of him being as happy as you clearly make him, then I really want that for him, just as much as I want it for you. This wasn't what any of us expected but.. now that we've all seen it, we can truly see it. There's no denying it when you see you two together. It's.. intense. But.. you make him better."

He made me better too.

"But.. you still think that.. I should pick Josh." I said softly. He shrugged again, avoiding my eyes.

"Like I said, what I think doesn't matter. All that matters is what you think."

"Why can't you just tell me what to do?" I joked, wishing it could be that easy.

"I mean, I could.. but I feel like no matter what I say, you're just gonna do the opposite anyway." I rolled my eyes, turning back towards the house, watching everyone back in the kitchen.

Even with all of us gone, Jake was still carrying Evalyn around, holding her close, showing her everything around the room, gently kissing her hands as she held them up to his face, laughing along with her as she let out her excited shrieks.

I couldn't help but be brought right back to my constant daydream of being in the kitchen of our own home and I helped the kids prepare breakfast, wanting to surprise him when he came downstairs. He would greet me with tired eyes and gentle kisses before wrapping the kids up into his arms and spinning them around. They would scream with laughter, loving how much their Dad loved them, and everything would finally be.. perfect, with all of us.

"Can I ask why?" Sam said, snapping me out of it.

"Why what?"

"Why do you love him?" He asked with a smirk. I felt my cheeks burn, my heart start beating faster as a timid smile escaped my lips.

"I'm not talking about this with you." I laughed, looking back inside to see Jake now spinning Evalyn around, grinning from ear to ear as she continued to laugh, clapping her hands and reaching up for his face.

All I wanted right now was to be inside with them.

"Why not?" He laughed, taking another long drag. "He's my older brother, I need to make sure you're good enough for him too." I sighed, smirking back at him. He wasn't wrong. But.. this wasn't something I would just talk about with anyone. This really wasn't something I had talked about with anyone, outside of them anyway. That was one of the things I missed most before I got involved with all of this, was our friendship. And sure, it was still there, but everything was different now, and it didn't matter what anyone said, you can never go backwards.

"Fine." I sighed, smirking back at him. He stared back eagerly with a satisfied grin as his cigarette dangled loosely from his lips. "He just.. he brings out something in me that.. I have never felt before. The first time we kissed, and.. I mean, really kissed.. not.. when we were little, or.. that one night in his room.. when it was real, I felt.. like something in me just came alive. I felt.. brave and beautiful and.. seen. And.. feeling seen by him.. makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and every time I'm with him I can't help but picture what life will be for us years down the road, it's just.. so easy to imagine life with him. The way he makes me feel.. I want to feel like this.. forever. He's passionate and thoughtful and.. he makes me feel like anything is possible, and I know for him it is, and.. maybe because of that.. I feel like it is for me too."

I looked back over at the house to see Jake had made his way over towards the back doors, pointing out all the decorations to Evalyn before she started slamming her hands on the glass, having obviously seen Sam and I out in the yard. Jake took one of her hands, forcing her to wave out at us, flashing us a toothy grin. My heart jumped, a huge smile escaping my lips as I happily waved back. And for a quick second.. it felt like it was all ours.

"Interesting." Sam finally said with a smirk.

"What is?" I asked, feeling my heart beat faster.

"Nothing." He giggled to himself. "It's just.. I never really said which one. But you sure did."