I'm not surprised when Luke doesn't show up for lunch. I'd expected as much from him, especially after the realization I'd came to in the hall this morning. The fact that Luke is avoiding me at all costs only proves my theory however, and this causes my heart to drop.

It's worse knowing that my friends are able to sense that something is wrong. I have a feeling they're starting to put two and two together about what's going on, as Luke and I had only just mended our strained relationship enough so that we could at least sit at the same lunch table.

And, of course, I had to ruin that.

I keep to myself for most of the period, not in the mood for conversation. Thankfully, my friends seem to notice this, and they don't pry me to speak.

I just feel so bad. Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why didn't I just listen to Luke when I had the chance? I feel like I've hurt him in a way that is irreversible, which hurts me as well. As much as I wish it wasn't true, part of me is attracted to Luke. And part of me always will be.

I don't realize I've been staring at the very boy of my thoughts until something catches my attention. I blink, my focus resurfacing. That's when I find that Luke is looking at me, too. For what feels like the millionth time since our worlds first collided, our gazes lock. However, this time I don't feel the need to look away in annoyance. This time, I doubt there's much that could make me look away.

Which is what I expect Luke to do, look away from me. But he doesn't. In fact, he stares me dead in the eye unblinkingly, as if to prove some point. That's when I notice the look in his eyes, though. A shattered, almost broken look. He was only trying to tell you how he felt, I think to myself bitterly.

How would I feel if I were in Luke's place? I try to imagine finally working up the courage to tell him what I felt, only to have him go off on me the way I did to him.

Needless to say, it's painful to simply think about.

Drifting out of my thoughts, I come to find that Luke has looked away. No, I realize. He hasn't looked away . . . he's left.

And it's my fault.

»»----- -----««

There's no way I'm going to be able to move on from everything knowing I have hurt someone the way I have Luke. I suppose that's why, when William drops Kendall and I off at home, I know there is somewhere else I have to go first.

When Kendall notices me heading for the front gate, she asks, "Where are you going?"

I pause, resisting the urge to snap something petty in response. I can still hear her voice in my head, asking me why I choose to always see the worst in her. I realize that I don't want to live in a world where all I notice is the bad in everyone else, including my own sister. Maybe if I hadn't started that habit, the two of us could live in another world. A world where Kendall and I can actually get along. Where we're friends who team up against our parents instead of suffer through the torments of our lives alone.

With this in mind, I respond, "I have to talk to Luke."

I don't know why I expect my sister to reprimand me for this. At the least, I'm thinking Kendall will roll her eyes at me and storm off, my love life far beneath her concerns.

Instead, she surprises me by nodding as if she understands. She then shocks me further by shooting what appears to be a smile in my direction. "Good luck." With that, she turns and heads up the driveway toward the front door, leaving me smiling at her receding frame. It's only after she wishes me luck that I fully understand what she was telling me about opening my eyes and seeing what's right in front of me. Or who she was talking about, at least. This is what gives me the courage to walk on, slipping past the front gate and heading for Luke's house.

I know the code for the Bradford's gate because of how often I hang out with Alissa. I slip through without a problem, closing the gate behind me and listening as the lock automatically whirs back into place. I already know Luke's parents won't be home. Mrs. Bradford is no doubt out volunteering somewhere, as Lily is really just that good at heart. And Mr. Bradford is still working, as his hours correspond with my father's. Even Alissa will be gone due to volleyball practice. I'm secretly grateful for this, because I don't want her hearing me pleading with her brother for his forgiveness.

Reaching the front door, I sort of stand on the doorstep for a moment. Suddenly nervous, I can feel my heart as it thuds in my chest, ramming against my rib cage.

Inhaling a deep breath, I force myself to ring the doorbell, which I immediately regret. I'm wondering just how many seconds I have to turn around and run back home before being seen just as the front door opens.

And there's Luke, irresistible in his glasses and uniform, minus his usual blazer and the sleeves of his button-up rolled up. His eyebrows raise at the sight of me, almost as if he's surprised I'm here. Then he does that thing where he completely masks his feelings, and I'm left wondering how a detail about him that's seemingly so simple can leave me with such a bitter chill.

"Hi." My voice shakes as I speak. "I know you probably don't want to see me right now, but I was hoping to talk to you?"

Luke shifts his weight so that he's leaning against the open door-frame, which has me all flustered because of how good he looks doing this. And then he merely sniffs in response.

"Sounds like you already are," he mumbles. For some reason, this comment lifts my spirits. For just a moment, Luke sounds like himself. The Luke who enjoys teasing me, though can also easily make me laugh. For a moment, we've gone back in time and I can almost pretend that Luke never revealed he had feelings for me.

That's the thing about pretending though. It isn't real.

"I mean . . . can I talk to you inside?"

Luke stares at me in silence for a long moment. After a while he kicks the door open gently, allowing me to walk in. I enter his house and shiver even though it's far from cold inside.

Luke closes the front door behind me and walks my way, and something about the purpose with which he walks has me thinking he's going to kiss me. I don't realize how badly I wanted him to do just that until he stops before me, merely waiting for me to speak.

I exhale sharply, following it up with a deep breath.

"You should hate me," I admit softly, unable to look Luke in the eyes. "I can't believe what all I said to you. But that's not what I'm here for."

I hesitate, suddenly tongue-tied. With Luke's eyes on me, I can't stop thinking about the last time we were alone together. How it felt to have his hands on me, his lips on mine, completely captivated by him and knowing he felt the same about me. I suddenly crave that feeling.

However, I force the thoughts aside, knowing all too well what will happen if I let them consume me.

"I'm so sorry, Luke." I blurt the words as if I have no control over them. "What I did . . . accusing you of using me . . . I was so terrible to you, and I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought . . . well, it doesn't matter what I thought. Because I was wrong. It was so wrong of me to assume I had you all figured out and not let you explain yourself. I mean, what you were trying to tell me—"

"Doesn't matter," Luke cuts me off, interrupting me mid-apology. I falter, glancing up at Luke to find he's looking at me so blankly it's almost scary. The only hint he gives that he even feels anything at all is the way his eyes drop from mine to the floor, like he can't stand to look at me.

"Don't say that," I whisper, taking a step closer to him. I don't want Luke to think I don't care about his feelings, because I do. In fact, I think I may return them. Actually, I know I do. In this moment—to me—nothing but Luke matters. I'm willing to risk it all—our friends, Liam, the "hatred" we share—just for him. And when I look into his blue eyes and start to drown slowly, I'm sure. I'm sure that ever since I met Luke Bradford, part of me has always been a part of him. And I know he feels the same.

"It's true," he mutters in response, tone gruff. "What I was trying to tell you doesn't matter. In fact, you should just forget that . . . moment between us ever happened."

Luke's words wrap about my heart and form a fist, squeezing my heart so tightly it shatters. I can't forget about what happened between Luke and I the same way I can't simply stop breathing. And, to be honest, I don't want to forget about what happened between us. Deep down, I know it will forever be one of my most treasured memories.

"Luke." My voice wavers as I speak, and it doesn't matter how hard I try to remain strong, I know that I am not in this moment. I reach for him, resting my hand on his chest. Only, when I touch him this time, I'm not releasing my feelings for him the way I tried to before. Instead, it's like my feelings for Luke only become stronger. I'm expecting for him to pull away, to refuse my touch and tell me to go. However, when my hand touches his skin he merely stares down at it as if he can't believe it's there.

Then he jerks away as if I've electrocuted him.

"Please don't be that way." My voice cracks, which I curse myself for.

"Don't be what way, Jade?" Luke snaps, his typically icy blue eyes dancing like flames. I realize that he really is angry with me, that I have hurt him worse than I first thought.

"Don't be—"

"I have the right to act however I want to act," Luke hisses, glaring at me through the lenses of his glasses. "Because you know what, Jade? As much as I hate to admit it, what you did hurt. I mean, it was one thing when you didn't reciprocate how I felt. But when you started accusing me of using you to hurt you? It only made me realize exactly what I am in your eyes."

"I was wrong!" I exclaim in a loud burst of anger. "I was wrong to say those things to you, Luke. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"And you should be," he replies coldly. "But that doesn't change the fact that when you said the words, you meant them."

I hesitate, realizing that Luke is right. When I'd been accusing Luke of kissing me to get Liam to leave me, there wasn't even a fraction of a doubt in my mind that I had cracked his master plan. But in reality, he'd been kissing me because he wanted to.

"And if that is what you think of me," Luke continues, "then I think I need to take a step back."

"What do you mean?" I sound whiny, but he has reduced me to this. I can't control my feelings anymore; it's quite the opposite.

"I mean that I can't put myself in a position to care about someone who only sees the worst in me." Luke's voice breaks, which contrasts with his emotionless expression. "Because—dammit, Jade—I do. I don't know what it is about you, but you didn't just run into me when you fell down those stairs. You flipped my whole world upside down. And I didn't—don't—know how to control what I feel toward you, which makes being around you so . . . hard. I don't even know how to explain it now."

"Luke." I can feel my eyes welling with tears, brought on by how much I dislike what Luke is saying. To hear that this boy I have constantly considered a nuisance, who I've only ever counted on for bickering with, feels so strongly about him . . . it's overwhelming. And I hurt him, and I've never hated myself for something more.

"I think I just need some space from you, Jade." Luke runs a hand through his hair, expression exhausted. As if having to deal with me has drained him. "I need to clear my head."

"Please tell me you don't mean that." Just the thought of distancing myself from Luke sounds unbearable at the moment. Only a week ago, this would have been music to my ears. But things are different now. Now I care about Luke in ways I never thought I would.

"Jade . . ." Luke trails off, expression pained.

"Luke, please tell me you don't mean that." I sound almost hysterical. "I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, but that doesn't mean you have to completely withdraw yourself from me . . ."

"I'm sorry, Jade." Luke sounds like he means the words, which is something. He surprises me by taking a step forward and grabbing my hands in his, squeezing comfortingly.

"Luke." My voice breaks once again. I feel like crying, but I choke back my tears. Luke and I were never together, though it feels as if he is breaking up with me. Ironically, this might be the gentlest he's ever been with me.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, voice barely above a whisper. He leans down toward me, placing a tender kiss on my cheek. Then he withdraws himself, as if he were never next to me at all.

I don't know why this all makes me so angry. The whole situation is frustrating. I know now that Luke cares for me. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel for him, too. And when two people like each other, it's obvious what is supposed to come out of it. But everything between Luke and I always has to be so complicated. Like we do love each other, just at different times.

"You know what?" I snap, fists clenched as I glare over at Luke. "Fine. Have it your way." I turn and wander back to his front door, slamming it behind me roughly as I exit. I don't look back once on my anger-fueled walk back to my house. In fact, I don't want to see Luke again for a long time. I'm not sure I could handle it.

Entering through the front gate, I'm surprised to find Liam in my driveway. Now is not the best time for me to have to deal with him, and I feel like I should say something about this. Then I notice that he's holding flowers, offering me a wide grin. This softens me enough to at least hear him out.

Liam and I have gone on dates, though we're not actually dating. So that technically means I didn't cheat on him by kissing Luke. Do I still feel guilty about it? Yes. But somewhere between then and now, my feelings for Luke have changed, just as my feelings for Liam have. I may not be with Luke, and maybe I never will be. But part of me will always care about him, and I hate myself for the fact.

"Uh . . . hi, Liam." I'm not quite sure what to say to him. I think I'm still running off of the anger Luke has caused me.

"Hey," he says, sounding slightly flustered. He appears nervous, though my mind is too clouded to pay much attention to this. "Did you have a nice walk?" he asks, confusing me.

"Uh, walk?" I mutter, mostly to myself, as I wonder what he's talking about. I remember that I've just returned from Luke's place, and that's probably what he's getting at.

"Yeah. Your sister said you'd gone out on a walk, so that's why I was here waiting for you."

I'm a little surprised to find that Kendall has covered for me once again. Which was nice of her, considering she definitely didn't have to. But if Kendall thought it wasn't a good idea to tell Liam where I really was, then I should probably keep my mouth shut about my actual whereabouts. I'm much too angry to care I'm lying.

"Uh . . . yeah. It was a . . . peaceful walk." I grit my teeth as I choke out the words. What I just went through was far from peaceful.

"Anyway." Liam runs a hand through his dark hair, glancing down at the flowers in his hand. Yellow roses, to be exact. He extends them to me, blushing as he says, "These are for you."

Despite my anger, this gestures manages to make me smile. "Thank you," I tell Liam, inhaling the sweet scent of the roses. "They're beautiful."

"Well, the flowers aren't why I'm here," Liam admits, stuttering over his words. "I, um, wanted to ask you something."

"It must be important if you came all the way out here to ask me," I tease, slowly turning back into my usual self. I can't help it—I've always found Liam's presence calming.

I must be the most naive girl in the world, as I'm completely taken off guard by what happens next.

Liam clears his throat, seemingly preparing for something. Then he lifts his brown eyes to my green, holding my stare intently.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me." Liam chuckles faintly, grinning. "Officially."

I'm more stunned than I think I should be. I mean, I'd been assuming this moment would come eventually. Maybe I'm so shocked because I've recently realized Liam is not the only boy I have feelings for. Or maybe my shock is brought on because—even though I'm here with Liam—I kind of wish I was with Luke.

"You mean, like, be your girlfriend?" I question, stumbling over the words. I don't know why I'm so hesitant to answer, but I am stalling. A week ago, I would have jumped at this opportunity.

It's funny how much can change in a week.

"Yes." Liam is practically beaming, like this is all he really wants. And I hate myself for not feeling the same way.

I'm unsure of what to say. I kind of just stare at him like I've forgotten English.

I swallow hard, glancing away from Liam momentarily. I make the mistake of looking behind me, where I find Luke standing by the front gate. I can tell by his stance and the way his chest is heaving that he must have run after me, and that can only mean one thing.

He regrets what just happened between us.

Just the sight of Luke fills me with anger all over again, and I wish I hadn't looked behind me at all. It's a blinding sort of anger, the kind that makes you unaware of what you're doing. I poured my heart out, tried to apologize for what I'd done. I'd told him what I was feeling. And Luke shot me down, claiming he needs time away from me. Yet he runs after me, anyway?

What does he think he can say that will make up for what just went down between us? What does he think he can do to fix the pain he's caused me endless times over? Does he seriously think he can just run after me and I'm supposed to be here waiting for him?

That's not how life works.

I turn away from Luke, Liam seemingly not having noticed his presence. Then I do the only thing I know I can do to hurt Luke the way he has hurt me.

"Yes," I say, loud enough for Luke to hear from the front of the driveway. "Yes! I'd love to be your girlfriend." Then I pull Liam toward me by the collar of his shirt, kissing him in a way that would make nearly anyone believe he is the only boy in my heart.

However, that isn't the case. And I know this. I pull away from Liam just seconds later, turning to look over my shoulder at Luke. Part of me hopes he'll still be standing in my driveway, waiting for me anyway. Part of me hopes he won't be willing to let me go so easily. That he'll be there when I turn around, now, then, and forever.

Instead, I find he is long gone.

»»----- -----««

a/n: i get to see my girlfriend tmrw. yeehaw.