The luggage which hung to my arm dropped to the floor as a tear trickled down from the corner of my eyes.

"Jared" my voice croaked as the tears of unbelievability flowed. I felt my chest tighten when he started walking towards me, a soft smile tugged at his lips- a smile that takes me to all the places and memories that I wished that I could relive, maybe just once.

I open my arms and wrap them around my little brother's shoulder as his, tighten around my hip. I intake the smell of his all too familiar cologne which tells me that I am not imagining all this. When I realize that he is finally here; my baby brother is here with me, I let out a cry- not with sadness but with contentment.

"Hello big sis" he muffled against my shoulder and a small laugh escaped my mouth. We let go of each other and I take my time looking at him 'cause it had been way too long. Jared's shoulders slumped as I look at my brother who never saw me any differently from my past, who never blamed me for his siblings' death, who always and unconditionally loved me no matter the circumstance. And right now Jared is the only one closest to an actual family I have. He is the part of my past that I didn't let tarnish, I didn't let the horrors of my past life darken what I have with my little brother. No matter how messed up I was, I realized that Jared had always stayed close to my heart and I did every selfless thing I could do to keep him away from the darkness because a soul like his is what the demons crave. So, I didn't even hassle when I got to know that my baby brother, my only sibling is been sent away from me, my shit of a mother and of course I thought otherwise, I did think that maybe I could take care of him and be a better sister but now knowing what my mother is capable of doing when she's in an episode and what I was capable of, I got no regrets. For heaven's sake, this boy is way too valuable for this cruel world.

"Jare bear!" a loud voice thumped and I turn towards the stairway to see Jason running down the stairs with a bright smile.

"How are you little guy," he said taking Jared in a brotherly hug. And yes, other than me it'd be Jason to be that excited to see my brother. They always were close and Jason treated him as the little brother he never had and Jason was the only guy my little brother was okay with me dating- we never dated but that is what I told my parents and Jared 'cause friends with benefits would be way too disapproving for them.

"I'm good and give 'Jare bear' a break please," he said with an annoyed tone.

"Ha! never" Jason speaks and walked towards the door, leaving to check on Jennifer back home I assume.

"How are you?" I asked holding his hand.

"Awesome," he tells, with a dimpled smile which I always was jealous of. My mom had dimples so all my siblings got that feature from her except me and that's why people say I mostly look like my father. But, right now I see so much of my father's handsome features on Jared. From his straight nose to a sharp jawline, accorded by father and his dimpled cheeks and blue eyes gifted by mom. I would never admit this out loud but my little brother had gone mad hot.

"I missed you," I tell him.

"Me you more," he says and pushes my hand playfully.

"Me you more more," I say with a small laugh, remembering our old times.

"Ughh that was a long time ago."

"I know." A voice was cleared as a palm pressed against the small of my back.

"Jared, don't know if you remember but this is Damien," I tell, looking at Damien and then back at Jared who slightly tilted his head looking at Damien with squinted eyes.

"I remember you..." he says.

"You do?" I asked 'cause how can he even since he was so little back when Damien was there and he barely came by our house.

"Yeah, he's the dude you got beat up-" I slapped my palm at my little brother's mouth, stopping him from finishing his sentence. Damien's hold on my back dropped down.

"Jared honey!" my mom called from the living area who was making conversation with Lily which seems pretty weird considering stopped all her connections with friends before we left town and became the alcoholic loner with a seventeen-year-old daughter.

"Coming," he says and walked away. I let out a sigh and looked at Damien who was already staring at me unhinged.

"Jared was saying..." he asked.

"It was nothing," I tell him because there are parts of my past that I don't want him to be burdened by.

"No, it's something. Rhea, your past, your future... it's everything to me" he says cupping my cheeks and I walk us towards the back garden to get some personal space.

"Um, back when we were small I used to sneak out to meet you and my father never really like that much so I disobeyed him since I was so desperate for a friend and I didn't want to end what we had over my father. One day I got caught and my father was partially drunk and furious. He took me to his study and-" my voice hitched at the end of my throat.

"And what?" he asked tilting my chin up to look at him.

"And he beat me up until he saw Jared come in. He stopped because he didn't want my brother to see that he could be a monster too. My father left and Jared was the one who helped me up to my room. He asked me what happened and I was hurt and didn't know what I was doing so I told him... everything. Jared was little, he wanted to blame someone for inflicting pain on his sister, his soul was way too... innocent to believe that it was father's doing so he blamed you." He cupped my cheek and pressed his forehead against mine.

"I am so sorry" he whispers.

"It's not your fault," I tell shaking my head.

"It kind of is"

"It's not your fault Damien" I reassured him 'cause the last thing I want is for him to be worried about my past; the darker side of it. No one deserves to hear about it nor experience it as it is my burden to carry.

"Therefore, my brother kind of... doesn't like you," I tell and wrap my hands around his neck.

He lets out a small laugh and caressed my cheek with his thumb. "I think I could make an impression and change that"

"Good luck! after all, he is his sister's brother" I tell, giving a kiss on his cheek and walked back inside the house.

Just as I reached in I saw Jared and my mother walk out from the living room towards the foyer.

"Are you'll leaving?" I asked.

"Actually I was wondering if you want to have dinner with me and Jared," my mother asked and I let out a humourless laugh.

"No, Jared is staying with me," I tell her. She might look like the perfect mother she used to be but I am not getting fooled by another one of her facades because I know under all this make-up is the mother who abused her own daughter. I know enough to never trust her; not with my life and especially not with my brother's.

"Sweetheart please, just dinner" she pleaded and I looked at Jared who held my hand.

"Come on Rhe," he asked and I couldn't help but give in. I looked at Lily with a small smile.

"Of course you can go," she said. I walk towards her giving a small hug. Just as then Damien walked into the foyer. "You going?" he asked.

"Yeah, for dinner," I tell.

"Okay. Want me to come pick you up?"

"Uh-"

"Please let me come pick you up" he whispered pleadingly and I nod my head letting out a small laugh. I placed my lips on him for a quick kiss before heading out.

At this point, I am unbelievably confused as to how much of an extent is mother taking this facade. She had got her own car which makes me think that has she actually changed? or is she yet pretending to be a good mom in the face of Jared? But I can't help but notice how true she is to herself, how genuine her smile is, the way she communicates with Jared. No sign of the messed up alcoholic woman she was is apparent. I can't help but feel a bit hurt, I mean it's great if she's back to her usual self but why couldn't she be that woman, that mother to me?

Oh yeah, I killed her children. That's why.

I almost laugh at my absurdity. Ella always was a drunk towards her daughter because that is exactly how I should see her, that is how I deserve to see her, after all, it was my doings that made her who she is and that is my punishment from her- to see the worst side of my own fucking mother. And, of course, she is going to be her usual self, Jared did nothing towards her and I wanted to say 'Mommy I didn't either'

Last whole month I fought the urge to fall down at her feet and begged for her to love me again, to be my hero, my best friend but mostly my mother. No matter what she did, how much she hurt me and how much I fucking hated her for it, Rhea will always, always will love Ella because just like my scars I will carry the good times and those few memories are more than enough to form a balance in my life.

Yeah, the good times will always make up for the bad. So, I am going to sit back and enjoy every single minute with my mother and hope I won't get too comfortable.

She reversed the car towards our house and flashbacks of me on the porch crossed my mind. I close my eyes and shook the image off, telling myself to hold it together 'cause I cant break and I won't, especially in front of my little brother. Speaking of which, the smile on his face managed to dissolve every bit of agony. I smiled back at him and walked through the front door.

I was taken back at the sight of the house. It wasn't just mom, everything had changed even the goddamn house. I notice she had repainted the house and no sign of the mess it used to be can be distinguished. The broken glassware replaced in the cabinets looking all lavish, a basket of fresh fruits and a brand new vine bottle placed on the countertop instead of empty beer cans and stacks of bills, the strong smell of cigarettes annihilated by the fresh smell of roses in the vase. Hurt pangs in my chest gaping at how homely the house looked from the shithole it used to be.

My head spins around to see a figure leaning against the wall behind me, in the kitchen.

"Mason," I tell completely surprised to see him here. It's not the first time seeing him after our last encounter. We've shared simple glances in school and other than that, no conversation at all.

"What are you doing here?" he asked cocking an eyebrow and I scoff at his question.

"Aren't I supposed to be asking you that? Considering this is after all my house."

"Well, if this is your house you should live here," he tells and I roll my eyes, crossing my arms across my chest.

"What brings you here, Mason?"

"I don't know you tell me," he says shrugging his shoulder.

"I don't either," I tell him. Honestly, I thought we are having dinner but considering Mason is here, I bet mom had other plans. He straightens his back, stepping away from the wall.

"Well, then I'm going to go back to my room," he says turning his back and walking away but I stop him, realizing what he just said-

"Your room?" I ask.

"Yeah my room," he says and I walk out the kitchen, purposely hitting my shoulder against his and up the stairs towards the only extra room since we only have three bedrooms in this house. My shoulders sink to see the room all brand new with just a few suitcases lying on the floor which I recognized is Jared's. I turn my head around and walked towards my room and pushed the door open. Disappointment floods as I intake the changed look of my room or Mason's room apparently. The walls are filled with posters of soccer players, basketballers, rock bands and cringe at the sight of the skimpy pictures of some girls. My bookshelf had been removed and a T.V was fixed taking up that space which is connected to a play station. The light curtains are replaced by dark ones and I shake my disappointment away by taking a seat on the edge of the bed. This means that Mason is staying in my room therefore his dad and my mom are still a thing. She was so quick to replace everything, even her daughter. Must be nice knowing that her burden of a child is no longer in her life when I simply left, making it all easy and here I thought she might want me back and regret everything she did but was completely the opposite. The question is, what the fuck am I doing here? Did she want to rub all this in my face and make me feel bad? True I feel hurt but none of this could simplify what a great home Lily had given me and the home I will get, moving in with Damien. Yes, that is so much more than what she had cooked up in here. I clasp my hand around the key which hung around my neck, that Damien had given. The key to my home.

"It's nice what you have done with the room," I tell Mason who just walked in.

"Oh, so you are not upset? considering this used to be-"

"Why should I be?" I cut him off and crossed my leg, with a small smile on my face.

"I love the Mettalic and the Nirvana posters there," I tell him lifting my chin towards the wall as he smirked cockily at me. I stand up from the bed and decided to walk out feeling a bit uncomfortable. Since it's not my room and been in a guys room makes me uncomfortable but Damien's and Jason's could be an exception 'cause I trust them both with dear life.

I walk down the stairs and my mom was standing at the end of it. "What?" I asked her.

"Come out, I want to talk to you," she tells and nudges her head towards the door. I reluctantly follow her outside and sit down on the steps of the porch, right next to her. After two minutes of complete silence, she speaks up.

"Um, Rhea I'm so-"

"Don't" I cut her off knowing damn well she's going to apologize and I don't want her fake apology for whatever she wants to say to me.

"Just say it." I stare into the darkness not sparing her a single glance but I could feel my mother's eyes trained on the side of my face. She let out a sigh and finally gets to the point.

"I am getting married," she says and I smile internally at how true my previous statement was. God, it would've felt nice if she proved me wrong. What can I say, anyone who had gone through the worst, expects the worst. Because there is no evident pain to top what you have already been through.

"I know."

"How come?" she questioned and I let out a humourless laugh.

"I've known it since the day you got engaged," I tell her and looked down at her hand. "Plus it's not that hard to miss the chunky ass rock on your finger and honestly I am surprised that you have not yet sold it and spent it off on drugs and alcohol" I spat reminding her of the reality she let me live through.

"Rhea-" she calls but I was quick to get up and look at her.

"It hurts mom!" I yelled and my voice breaks as tears started forming at the corner of my eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry should I not call you that?" I scoffed. Her eyes shot up as my voice gets louder and of course, she wouldn't want the people inside that house to hear the shit spilling out of my mouth.

The shit which is the fucking truth.

"I know Noah's and Nini's death killed you but for once did you think what happened to me or were you too caught up to blame it on someone; to blame it on your daughter. Did you not know when you lost your children, I lost my siblings, when you lost dad, I lost my father." Tears flowed down my cheeks as the words falls out of my mouth.

"Mom, you were hurt and so was I; maybe more but you didn't spare me a single thought did you?" She took in every single thing I said in complete silence.

"You didn't lose everything, mom. I know Jared was away but I was here and all I ever wanted was to be enough. Enough for you" my voice escalated and she snaps her head and stands up, looking furious at me.

"Enough? how can the person who killed my children ever be enough!" she yelled back and I stumble a few steps back. Her words piercing like daggers once again.

"I'm sorry!" I tell not knowing why I said that but that is what my mind said. 'Apologies to your mother for your wrongdoings', but I didn't do anything wrong? right?

"Sorry can't bring back my children Rhea," she says with utter disappointment and my name spill out her mouth like venom. I had no strength in me to fight back my mind and my mother, so I simply bow my head and give in, accepting the darkness had won over me once again.

"You used to be my hero mom, my best friend too. Want to know why?" I ask and sat back down on the steps, resting my elbows on my knees as I blow a warm breath to my palms.

"A hero saves you and you have saved me many times from dad. A best friend understands you, whether you are happy or sad and you always used to know that about me." She comes back and sat down next to me. I wipe a tear away from my damp cheeks. "And you lost both"

"Your life went downhill when Noah died but mine was way before that." I felt her head snap towards me but I continue to look into oblivion.

"I screamed for you to come, save me whilst I was getting raped." I felt her flinch at my words as an astound look took over her face.

"I wanted you to understand my pain while I was feeling suicidal," I tell her and she shook her head 'no.'

"No, you weren't!" she sneered and I close my eyes, keeping my tears at bay.

"I was! I was fucking raped when I was just fourteen! and you always told me that it should've been me instead of Noah, well it's true" I tell her and stand up to my feet.

"I loaded that gun. I was the one who was supposed to die that night not Noah and I will always carry that scourge in me." She stands up, tears flowing down her rosy cheeks and she keeps a soft hand on my forearm but I pull it away.

"Sweetheart I am so sorry," she said pleadingly.

"No mom you are not. Don't even go there" I tell her and storm back into the house leaving my mother with the biggest secret of my life. A secret that could destroy someone and right now I know it broke her heart which I kind of feel bad about. I didn't mean to blame it on her and I know I was wrong to put it out that way but she should know that I am broken as much she is or maybe more. She should know that she wasn't alone when shit was going on in her life but I was. I had nobody to take me through those days, no one to blame or no one to take my pain out on.

My mother must know that I paid for my sins even before the sinful act.

HAHA NOT SO FAST.

ANYWAYS, I WAS A WEEPING MESS WRITING THIS CHAPTER SO EXCUSE THE ERRORS.

- E